Hello:
I am new to the site and, like many, looking for help. But first I want to be sure I am in the right place. I am not divorced, although I should have been many years ago and many times in between. There is an essay or even a book that goes with this but I don’t want to spill my guts if this is not the right place. A performance appraisal and a profile completed by survey, on me, last spring, showed me what I known in my heart for years… that although my skills in my administrative/supervisory role are excellent; my personal happiness is abysmal. This unhappiness has a beginning point way back, and has been aggravated by years of disrespect, verbal and emotional abuse and lack of, and sometimes withholding of, affection (or should I say more of a roller coaster) and has been gnawing at me for many years. But the survey was the last straw. Seeing it in black and white was the clincher. I am living a lie, through a personal version of hell compounded by my own personality; one that sees me giving and giving to everyone… everyone except myself.
The short version is that I am a 59 year old, well educated, well respected, man, still in a 37 year marriage that should have ended about 15 years ago, after 3 years of trying to reconcile, but overwhelming guilt (both materialistic and emotional) and fear trump my sadness and anger every time. I love my career and admittedly hide there as long as I can each day so I can put off having to go home. I have not yet left my marriage, but feel I am closer to doing so than I have ever been before. At least three rounds of counselling, and two of couple’s counselling have come and gone. I know my Meyers-Briggs personality type. I am knowledgeable in the techniques from “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. I now cope okay with most issues in my house. I am active and have many skills and hobbies. My children are grown. I could gripe and some might be shocked at what has transpired over the years, but in the end I am still there and simply and terribly unhappy. I have not been in love or felt love for many years. I am lonely and unhappy in my own home. It seems that except on holidays, my wife has no more to give, nor does she care to. Real affection, attention and physical and emotional intimacy are all things of the past.
A few friends know, but the reality is squarely with me. This is something I have to do on my own, but remain paralyzed by a lifetime of not knowing any other life, indecision, confusion, fear, guilt and even something as mundane as knowing what might happen if and when I walk out the door, or maybe even getting out the door in the first place. Not that my life is horrible… some might say my life is quite okay. Materially it is. I see many uglier relationships. But this is for me, not others. Emotionally, with respect to closeness, affection, happiness and connection, my life is empty. I am tired of trying, tired of being the one who get the advice to go back and try this or that, when it is me that seems to be hurting most. I could continue, but need direction first. There are days when I think I will go crazy. I am almost obsessive at times with rehashing thoughts, both pro and con, and wake up thinking about it at ridiculously early hours and simply cannot “get out of my head”, as the expression goes, on many days, to simply live at least a normal life. How the hell am I ever going to get out of the house, or alternatively, let the anger and sadness go and stop complaining?
Do you have suggestions for where a person might go for “pre-divorce”, “pre-separation” support? A website or people who might listen or help? Separation support seems almost synonymous with divorce support. This seems to be the most professional Canadian site I have come across.
Thank you.
btw... I am told that "Weslemkoon" is an Aboriginal word and is currently the name of a lake in central Ontario near where I live. I love the lake and especially the local dialect... The name has been "Anglo-sized" and is pronounced "Wesley McKoon" Gotta love that!
I am new to the site and, like many, looking for help. But first I want to be sure I am in the right place. I am not divorced, although I should have been many years ago and many times in between. There is an essay or even a book that goes with this but I don’t want to spill my guts if this is not the right place. A performance appraisal and a profile completed by survey, on me, last spring, showed me what I known in my heart for years… that although my skills in my administrative/supervisory role are excellent; my personal happiness is abysmal. This unhappiness has a beginning point way back, and has been aggravated by years of disrespect, verbal and emotional abuse and lack of, and sometimes withholding of, affection (or should I say more of a roller coaster) and has been gnawing at me for many years. But the survey was the last straw. Seeing it in black and white was the clincher. I am living a lie, through a personal version of hell compounded by my own personality; one that sees me giving and giving to everyone… everyone except myself.
The short version is that I am a 59 year old, well educated, well respected, man, still in a 37 year marriage that should have ended about 15 years ago, after 3 years of trying to reconcile, but overwhelming guilt (both materialistic and emotional) and fear trump my sadness and anger every time. I love my career and admittedly hide there as long as I can each day so I can put off having to go home. I have not yet left my marriage, but feel I am closer to doing so than I have ever been before. At least three rounds of counselling, and two of couple’s counselling have come and gone. I know my Meyers-Briggs personality type. I am knowledgeable in the techniques from “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. I now cope okay with most issues in my house. I am active and have many skills and hobbies. My children are grown. I could gripe and some might be shocked at what has transpired over the years, but in the end I am still there and simply and terribly unhappy. I have not been in love or felt love for many years. I am lonely and unhappy in my own home. It seems that except on holidays, my wife has no more to give, nor does she care to. Real affection, attention and physical and emotional intimacy are all things of the past.
A few friends know, but the reality is squarely with me. This is something I have to do on my own, but remain paralyzed by a lifetime of not knowing any other life, indecision, confusion, fear, guilt and even something as mundane as knowing what might happen if and when I walk out the door, or maybe even getting out the door in the first place. Not that my life is horrible… some might say my life is quite okay. Materially it is. I see many uglier relationships. But this is for me, not others. Emotionally, with respect to closeness, affection, happiness and connection, my life is empty. I am tired of trying, tired of being the one who get the advice to go back and try this or that, when it is me that seems to be hurting most. I could continue, but need direction first. There are days when I think I will go crazy. I am almost obsessive at times with rehashing thoughts, both pro and con, and wake up thinking about it at ridiculously early hours and simply cannot “get out of my head”, as the expression goes, on many days, to simply live at least a normal life. How the hell am I ever going to get out of the house, or alternatively, let the anger and sadness go and stop complaining?
Do you have suggestions for where a person might go for “pre-divorce”, “pre-separation” support? A website or people who might listen or help? Separation support seems almost synonymous with divorce support. This seems to be the most professional Canadian site I have come across.
Thank you.
btw... I am told that "Weslemkoon" is an Aboriginal word and is currently the name of a lake in central Ontario near where I live. I love the lake and especially the local dialect... The name has been "Anglo-sized" and is pronounced "Wesley McKoon" Gotta love that!
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