Spending time with child

[DonnaB]

My brother is just heading into a nasty separation and custody battle. He has a 9-year-old son with his common-law wife. They currently live together in a basement apartment but have just started the legal battle for custody and support. The wife wants my brother to move out, leave the child behind and pay her spousal and child support. My brother wants her to move out and leave the child behind. He has been the sole parent for the child's 9 years, does all of the parenting, homework, doctors etc appointments, parent-teacher meetings, the list goes on. She has done very little with this child but wants custody because it represents $$ for her.
Until they actually separate, my brother is trying his best to cohabitate and continue to take care of his son without disrupting his routine as much as possible.
The mother has started to take the child out on Saturday mornings and not returning until later the next day (she goes to one of her adult children's homes and says they are going to a 'sleepover'). My brother has tried to discuss this with her as this is against his wishes but she will not listen. It isn't fair because the weekends are the only time he can spend quality time with his son (as weeknights are filled with homework etc) but she just doesn't care. There's nothing my brother can do about it, she just keeps the kid out for the whole weekend. There have been times when my brother told her to make sure the child is home by a certain time on the Sunday because of other commitments but she just doesn't show up with him, leaving my brother very frusterated and helpless.
They both have a right to spend time with their child, but my brother is having his right taken away. He has no option, he won't physically stand in her way, he just tries to reason with her but she is unreasonable.
The child has often expressed to his dad that he doesn't want to go but she takes him anyways. What right does she have to do this every weekend when they haven't gone through a custody battle yet and the courts haven't decided that she gets him every weekend?
It is killing me to watch how helpless my brother is in this situation as all he wants is to spend time with his son on weekends.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks

[standing on the sidelines]

first off he is not the sole parent, he may have been the one to step up to the plate and do what needs to be done but she was around also. There really is nothing that your brother can do, she has ever right to take the child out just like if he was to take him on a friday and go away for the weekend. Your brother should get use to the idea of 50/50 custody.

I know it is hard not to be able to slap her upside the head and tell her to play fair but you have to keep out of the main battle. Just support your brother, be there to listen to him vent and direct him to this site so he can get some help and direction.

[HammerDad]

Your brother needs to be diarizing in a journal all of his parenting time with the child. If he:

gets him out of bed
makes breakfast (and what he made)
makes lunch
does homework
goes to appointments for child
gets him ready for bed

He also needs to ensure he separates himself financially from her. He can pay his bills and household bills, but there is no need for him to pay for her stuff.

He also needs to protect himself. He should wear a digital voice recorder at all times in the household or in her presence. She wants him out. The easiest way to get him out is to claim domestic violence by filing a false DV charge against him. From there he is playing catch up. Besides not protecting himself, MOVING OUT WOULD BE THE SINGLE WORST MOVE HE MAKES. By moving out (or being removed) he would effectively be accepting that she is the primary parent.

He needs to read this:

Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It)

Yes, the List may seem harsh. But by following most of it, it will protect him and his relationship with the child.

As for her leaving, all he can do is make known his displeasure with it. But as a parent, and with no order stating otherwise, they have defacto joint custody and as such she (and he) can make these sorts of decisions with the child.

[FaithandMorals]

I know I may get attacked for this but if I was your brother I would be looking for an apartment. I would then move and take his son with him. I would then immediately tell the ex in writing where the new address is and that he is not trying to keep the son from mom. I would let mom have a 50/50 visit schedule and start from there.
It is not right that many women do this to father's but if I could turn back time for my situation, I would have done this as I want 50/50 and my ex wants 70/30 for her so she can still have CS.

[NBDad]

DO NOT move out with a signed SA that has been reviewed with independant legal advice. It WILL screw you in the end.

As has been said, document, document, document. Perhaps he can schedule an activity with the child on a weekend. Express that to the STBX well ahead of time and let her deny him. It just goes to paint her as uncooperative and unreasonable. He may want to send her an R3 letter expressing the fact he wants to spend every other weekend with the child, rather than her taking the child away every weekend.

At the end of the day, there is nothing stopping him from taking the kid out for a weekend away himself. Pick the kid up after school and bring him back Sunday or something.

[standing on the sidelines]

I know I may get attacked for this but if I was your brother I would be looking for an apartment. I would then move and take his son with him. I would then immediately tell the ex in writing where the new address is and that he is not trying to keep the son from mom. I would let mom have a 50/50 visit schedule and start from there.
It is not right that many women do this to father's but if I could turn back time for my situation, I would have done this as I want 50/50 and my ex wants 70/30 for her so she can still have CS.

so you do not think its right for women to do that but you are giving advice that he should?????? I do not believe that either sex should do that. She has no right to move and take the child with her just like he doesnt.

[NBDad]

I would then move and take his son with him

If I were the ex, I would have an ex parte order in place the next day, claiming he kidnapped the child. Debatable whether I ran screaming to the police about a domestic violence charge first or not.

THAT will start him off at a severe disadvantage vis a vis custody and access, and could wind up getting him arrested and facing a falsified domestic violence charge.

[Pursuinghappiness]

lol..My first advice would to be careful about getting overly involved in your brother's breakup.

Statements like this are red flags to me:

She has done very little with this child but wants custody because it represents $$ for her.

I can guarantee you that you may know some things but unless you're in the relationship/marriage...you do not have a full and complete understanding of what happens in it. You have no idea how much she loves her child or what motivates her to spend time with her child. There are men and women who use access time with children to gain financial advantage but most people do love their children and want to spend time with them.

You can support your brother without blaming and badmouthing her for everything...she is the child's mother...he is the child's father. They both have a right to those relationships and more importantly, so does the child.

He needs to keep a parenting journal...as previously mentioned...and he needs to set out a time schedule based on a equitable split of time (regardless of what he thinks of what she "used" to do...only thing that's important is how their going to manage the split). The child has a RIGHT to a relationship with both parents. Its essential to the healthy raising of a child. Unless she's doing something worrisome or destructive like alcoholism, or drugs, or beating the child...she's entitled to be a mother. Tell him to email the schedule to her, ask her for feedback or any changes and see if he can get her to follow it.

Be careful about taking any other side than the child's...

[FaithandMorals]

so you do not think its right for women to do that but you are giving advice that he should?????? I do not believe that either sex should do that. She has no right to move and take the child with her just like he doesnt.

Sidelines, I 210% agree with you but the problem is despite two wrongs not making a right and being BIOC, tactically, it may help people to survive this trauma.

Never in a month of Sundays when I heard those magical words, "I am pregnant" did I think the joy of bringing our little person into this world would be followed by such acrimony.

[wretchedotis]

Debatable whether I ran screaming to the police about a domestic violence charge first or not.

heheheh....