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  • Emotional issues at other parents house

    I have a problem that I need advice on:

    D10 has been having an increasing emotional stress and anxiety that has affected school, home and her personal life. She gotten very emotional at school so much so that we got a counsellor for her last year. The counsellor and doctors have indicated coparenting/communication counselling with my ex and I as we parent differently.

    We have little communication and have joint custody.

    Recently my I received an email from my ex's address (from his wife) that our daughter had "physically and emotionally threatened" their oldest daughter because she said she would tell the counsellor about the fighting between the girls?. Im not 100% sure what happened as I wasn't there. The stepmother said that they are used to our daughters "lies" but the normal punishment isn't working. She said their kids never lie and its always just our daughter.

    After coming back to my house our daughter told me that her fighting with her sisters has increased the last few months and her father told her he doesnt know what to do with her anymore cause she lies so much, and if she continues he's not her father anymore. She was so upset, as she was adamant that she was telling the truth. She even understands that there are different points of view between her sister and her, that they can both be telling their version of the truth, but she gets in trouble all the time. She then proceeded to tell me that she felt like she wanted to run away to go to a neighbours house to use the phone to call me as she isn't always allowed to call me. This scares me. At this point her counsellor said I need to call the ministry because of threat to run away, but isn't this a little much?

  • #2
    You don't need to call any ministry. Your daughter has expressed a wish to go to the neighours' house and call you - that's not the same as running away or any other dangerous behavior.

    It sounds like typical blended family stresses. Is Stepmom giving you this information because she wants your help, or wants to get you on board working out conflicts between the step-siblings, or is this just Stepmom letting off steam? I know you say you have very little communication with Dad, but if things really have gotten worse, can you have a sit-down conversation with Dad and Stepmom about how to change the ways all three of you deal with the kids involved?

    It sounds like you're doing the right thing by reminding D10 that different people (e.g. her and her stepsister) have different points of view. Bear in mind that kids at this age can be very dramatic and exaggerate . Keep listening to D10 and say you're sorry that she's feeling unhappy, but don't show too much reaction on your part or D10 will figure out that a way to get your attention is to have a meltdown about how bad things are at her father's, and she'll stretch the truth even further. Offer sympathy and encourage her to keep talking. It sounds like she already has support in the form of a counsellor, so this may just be a situation she has to wait out, as unpleasant as it feels to her.

    (I can relate to this one - my own kid of roughly the same age just got back from her week at her father's [with Stepsister], and according to Kid she is blamed for everything, no one pays attention to her, Dad and Stepmom only care about Stepsister, life is terrible, etc. I have no doubt that some of this is true, but some of this is also a preadolescent with ramped-up emotions. I tell her that she doesn't have to be BFFs with her stepsister, but she does have to figure out how to live with her and stay out of trouble).

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