Ex wants 50/50 custody now after 3 years. HELP

[Berner_Faith]

The daughter is 14, so she basically can make her own decision. That being said, they have only been separated for 3 years. It is not fair to assume that Dad has been absent from the daughters life for 14 years and had 14 years to form a relationship. For all we know they had a great relationship until separation. How does one know the mother didn't paint a bad picture about the father? How does one know what Mom is saying is 100% true... maybe Dad tried, maybe Mom had a legal aid lawyer and Dad just did not have the funds any more. Assumptions do not help. Why not try to answer the OP's questions instead of playing the assumptions game?

To the OP- Give it a chance. Encourage your daughter to try it out. Give it say a month and see if Dad actually steps up. If after a month daughter is still just hanging out in her room and has no real relationship with Dad then at least you can say you tried and things can do back to normal.

Maybe this is about money to Dad, but it also seems about money to the OP, so in reality, neither of them are better than the other. A relationship with both parents is best. Give your daughter the chance to rebuild a relationship with her father. If it works out, she will be grateful, if it doesn't she will at least know you cared enough to try and encourage her to have a relationship with her father.

[Links17]

Even if he gets access 50/50 - you can pull a contelli case and I guarantee you'll still get almost as much support.

I will say though that after being seperated for 3 years in what I will assume was a 15yr relationship you aren't working. In 3 years you could have gotten a uni degree, any sort of certification, at this point you should get a job at Timmies. The reality of divorce, face it. Living off CS, SS, Govt handouts completely for 3 years is bad.

For the father/daugher issues - I would say that kids need their dads, as a male role model who loves them unconditionally - I think it is the counter to having your daughter sleep around at a young age.

Lack of Self Esteem = vulnerable to people who stroke your self-esteem = guys take advantage = early pregnancy.

I like the increased access step - keep increasing access at your daughter's comfort level. Just a dinner at first, a day trip, a weekend, extended weekend etc.. I would make the eventual end goal shared custody (weekly) as long as things go ok and your daughter is ok with it.

Believe it or not the govt WANTED fathers to fight for custody for their kids even if it was for money because the end result was that the kids had closer bonds with dad. So it is in the best interest of your kid IF the father has money.

For the loud sex issue, maybe suggest another bedroom (basement perhaps?)

[MS Mom]

The daughter is 14, so she basically can make her own decision. That being said, they have only been separated for 3 years. It is not fair to assume that Dad has been absent from the daughters life for 14 years and had 14 years to form a relationship. For all we know they had a great relationship until separation. How does one know the mother didn't paint a bad picture about the father? How does one know what Mom is saying is 100% true... maybe Dad tried, maybe Mom had a legal aid lawyer and Dad just did not have the funds any more. Assumptions do not help. Why not try to answer the OP's questions instead of playing the assumptions game?

To the OP- Give it a chance. Encourage your daughter to try it out. Give it say a month and see if Dad actually steps up. If after a month daughter is still just hanging out in her room and has no real relationship with Dad then at least you can say you tried and things can do back to normal.

Maybe this is about money to Dad, but it also seems about money to the OP, so in reality, neither of them are better than the other. A relationship with both parents is best. Give your daughter the chance to rebuild a relationship with her father. If it works out, she will be grateful, if it doesn't she will at least know you cared enough to try and encourage her to have a relationship with her father.

Money was brought into the story by mom because DAD ISN'T PAYING WHAT HE IS ORDERED TO.

[FB_]

She has tried with the gf. SHe is an only child and used to 100% of her dad's time Now she doesn't get it. I have told him to try and that she has to suck it up. she is in Councelling also to help with this and other issues with her self esteem. She is encouraged to go continually by me. She also says she spends the whole time in her room when she's there. She hears the having sex and she can't have her dad to herself ever. I have spoke to her dad as I was married to him, and told him to try and keep it down. He just denies it. Sadly I know that part is true. However there are many issues that they have which has led her to to not wanting to gothere.
No. This is not about money for me. I want my daughter with me because I love her and genuinely want her home. Sure the support helps greatly and is used for her. If she was with him I would not expect anything. The issue is the whole bully tactics and the legal firm. Together him and his fiancé make over 250k a year. They can support her better financially. I am trying to get another job as I am just unable to rely on the support and am told not to rely in it. Sadly I have relied on it. It's supposed to be given to help me not as a bonus. Is I had the means to put some away it would be silly to be ordered support. I'm just really feeling bullied by the powerhouse legal stuff and not knowing where to start with the court proceedings. I can't afford a lawyer.

That's very tough... I understand her wanting time alone with her dad and if he is unwilling and unable to provide to her needs she will walk with her feet. There is probably not much a judge would do to change this situation.

If he is forcing this to court. I would as suggested provide a very detailed offer to settle. The offer would state that a more detailed access schedule be provided instead of a as It would also outline that due to the child's age it is more her choice than your's or his and her wishes should be respected. I would also in your paperwork request the OCL get involved to represent your daughters wishes. I would also suggest that he and her attend counseling together to work out their relationship.

You really have nothing to lose with the offer. It shows that you are encouraging the relationship as it is in the child's best interest. But you are also showing that it's really up to your daughter.

Under 50/50 he would most likely still be required to pay you child support considering the incomes at play here.

EDIT: And as Links stated you could use Contino Analysis to balance the support needs.

http://www.canlii.org/en/ca/scc/doc/...bnRpbm8AAAAAAQ

It does sound very much like an attempt to wipe out arrears and lower support. I hope the father realizes that if he gets what he wants and doesn't step up their relationship may be damaged beyond repair.. Again I would suggest counselling for both of them.

[Berner_Faith]

Money was brought into the story by mom because DAD ISN'T PAYING WHAT HE IS ORDERED TO.

Do you know that for sure, or is that something that Mom is adding to the story to try and paint a better picture for herself? Still NOT helpful.

[DowntroddenDad]

Money was brought into the story by mom because DAD ISN'T PAYING WHAT HE IS ORDERED TO.

And there are legal remedies for non payment. And those remedies should be persued, independantly of whether or not the child sees the father.

In a case like this I would see a case for a ramp up. Perhaps 6 months of 33% (so no change in CS). Then if everyone is ok, if the father has had exercised access, and the child is ok with it, then move to 50/50.

Could the fact the father moved (for work?) be part of the issue as to why he hasn't exercised access?

[arabian]

I hope your daughter's feelings will be considered.

If your daughter brings up her disgust at having to listen to her father's rutting perhaps suggest she uses earbuds and listen to her music.

I'd let the ex's hard earned money go to lawyers. When you get your chance to show how he isn't paying what he ought to, he will look pretty stupid.

[MS Mom]

And there are legal remedies for non payment. And those remedies should be persued, independantly of whether or not the child sees the father.

In a case like this I would see a case for a ramp up. Perhaps 6 months of 33% (so no change in CS). Then if everyone is ok, if the father has had exercised access, and the child is ok with it, then move to 50/50.

Could the fact the father moved (for work?) be part of the issue as to why he hasn't exercised access?

And we know that these rememdies haven't already been pursued to no avail?? Like going back to court - again - to make another agreement - again - that won't be followed - again - and won't be enforced by FRO - again.

You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results??

The opinion that court will solve the financial issues is hillarious. How about he just pay since he's such an involved, enthusiastic father that wants the best for thier child?

[Toutou]

If I understood correctly, it is not that he is not paying, he is a month behind. not an excuse, but not really a bad case of a father that doesn't want to pay CS.

Also, I don't think that OP said that her ex missed access, but that they did not have any regular thing schedule because of his work, so he would let her know when he is in town to see her daughter.

Also, if the daughter spends more time at her dad's she will be less resentful. She probably misses him, and since she doesn't spend enough time with him, every minute she has to share him with someone else is painful. But that is the reality, his future wife is not just going to move out every time the daughter comes to visit. It does not mean that the father is a bad parent. Maybe that is the reason why he wants 50%-50% access.

[MS Mom]

Toutou:

This is the OP's original post.

Ok, so our divorce order stated I have full custody with liberal visits. That has been no issue. Ex works out of town so it worked where my daughter would see him when he came back. However he would never and doesn't ever let me know when he is around, so I cannot plan anything.

The ex hasn't bothered with the child when he was available. This is probably the REAL reason the child doesn't want to go.

I have just been served paperwork that he wants to end the support and custody agreement and take on parenting two weeks out of a month. Cutting off all spousal support and child support.

What does spousal support have to do with 50/50 access schedule? But, he's not motivated by money, right?

And he is wanting to change all support stuff. I get that it is not forever, but he is already not paying me on time. He is always behind a month at a time, and I just cannot get on my feet. I want to arrange an amount, reduce spousal, but he won't negotiate. So I feel that is one of the reasons for wanting my daughter half the time.

I wonder if the reason the ex can now handle 50/50 is because someone else is home when he's away working? Or has his job changed? Hmmm, strange how the motioned change in custody is timed perfectly with the new girlfriend? Coincidence, I doubt it. Obviously, the OP isn't motivated by the money if she has OFFERED negotiate that includes a reduction in spousal support.