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My 9 yr old son wants to come to my place instead of his Mom's.

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  • #31
    Everyone,

    Here is how I now plan to handle the scenario.

    When he shows up here, on a night he is to be with his Mom, I will send him to his room (there is no TV, no Computer etc there) until I contact his Mom. This may seem obvious - but note, this will do NOTHING to discipline him. He has been 'grounded' for weeks before, with no friends, no TV, no computer etc. and he is perfectly fine with it. He will still see it as a reward compared to being at his Mom's. What does work - is talking through things, and demanding he make a card with a written apology to the other person etc. etc.

    I will then email his Mom (she never answers my calls but gets email on her phone) with details of what has happened, that he is 'grounded' in his room and ask what she wants to do. It will take a good 2 hrs for her to make arrangements. I will then have a written record that I did the best I could.

    Then, if it goes to court - it shows I did the right thing, but that my son clearly does not want to live at her house.

    This has been my first (I think) post on this forum. I am not impressed with the feedback. I know we are all hurting, but jumping to conclusions about a scenario is the exact mistake the courts make all the time. Doing the same thing out of the family court system is not right.

    Thanks and goodbye.

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    • #32
      I think you got to him Tayken...

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      • #33
        another poster who runs away when they get told that they are wrong. Geesh

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        • #34
          Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
          another poster who runs away when they get told that they are wrong. Geesh
          We really are to tough on ODF... maybe we should play nicer?

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          • #35
            Nicer? Nope. Intelligence and well meaning? Yes.

            If there is anyone reading this who knows of a forum with helpful feedback instead of vitriolic people, please let me know.

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            • #36
              Originally posted by bigdad View Post
              Nicer? Nope. Intelligence and well meaning? Yes.

              If there is anyone reading this who knows of a forum with helpful feedback instead of vitriolic people, please let me know.
              You have to weed through the nonsense. I find if you don't word things the way a select few like, the nonsense starts. Just ignore it and keep posting. And if you look really hard, sometimes there is a little bit of sense mixed in with the "nonsense". Good luck to you, it isn't a good spot to be in, but I think it says a lot that you took the time to ask for some advice.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by Unevenplayingground View Post
                You have to weed through the nonsense. I find if you don't word things the way a select few like, the nonsense starts. Just ignore it and keep posting. And if you look really hard, sometimes there is a little bit of sense mixed in with the "nonsense". Good luck to you, it isn't a good spot to be in, but I think it says a lot that you took the time to ask for some advice.
                do you agree with what he wants to do???

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by bigdad View Post
                  Everyone,

                  Here is how I now plan to handle the scenario.

                  When he shows up here, on a night he is to be with his Mom, I will send him to his room (there is no TV, no Computer etc there) until I contact his Mom. This may seem obvious - but note, this will do NOTHING to discipline him. He has been 'grounded' for weeks before, with no friends, no TV, no computer etc. and he is perfectly fine with it. He will still see it as a reward compared to being at his Mom's. What does work - is talking through things, and demanding he make a card with a written apology to the other person etc. etc.

                  I will then email his Mom (she never answers my calls but gets email on her phone) with details of what has happened, that he is 'grounded' in his room and ask what she wants to do. It will take a good 2 hrs for her to make arrangements. I will then have a written record that I did the best I could.

                  Then, if it goes to court - it shows I did the right thing, but that my son clearly does not want to live at her house.

                  This has been my first (I think) post on this forum. I am not impressed with the feedback. I know we are all hurting, but jumping to conclusions about a scenario is the exact mistake the courts make all the time. Doing the same thing out of the family court system is not right.

                  Thanks and goodbye.
                  I cannot weigh in on the issue at hand here as I don't have experience with it but I will say although I do not always like what I hear they are telling it the way the courts see it. If you are only looking to validate your opinions unfortunately it is the wrong place to be as they may not always share the same opinions (I have learned this) but they are based on significant amounts of research and case law.

                  I do a lot more lurking than I do posting but there are a number of very well intentioned and knowledgeable people here and I would strongly encourage you to follow their advice even if it is not in keeping with your own opinions.

                  My 2 cents! Have a great day!

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                    do you agree with what he wants to do???
                    I agree with the final posting he made with respect to what he would do. He can't stop his son from going to his house, but he can't take control if his son does show up at his door. I don't think he was saying his son should do it, he was asking for advice IF his son did it.

                    What I don't agree with is the mob mentality that goes on sometimes on the forum. I don't know what people get out of it, I chalk it up to small "man" syndrome. The guy obviously cares about his son, enough to ask for a little advice, why can't a poster expect a bit of maturity? I think he can get a point while still being treated with respect. I know I listen a hell of a lot better when a person "talks" to me, instead of hurling insults. We need to remember it is easier to throw these insults from behind a computer.

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                    • #40
                      Originally posted by Unevenplayingground View Post
                      I agree with the final posting he made with respect to what he would do. He can't stop his son from going to his house, but he can't take control if his son does show up at his door. I don't think he was saying his son should do it, he was asking for advice IF his son did it.

                      What I don't agree with is the mob mentality that goes on sometimes on the forum. I don't know what people get out of it, I chalk it up to small "man" syndrome. The guy obviously cares about his son, enough to ask for a little advice, why can't a poster expect a bit of maturity? I think he can get a point while still being treated with respect. I know I listen a hell of a lot better when a person "talks" to me, instead of hurling insults. We need to remember it is easier to throw these insults from behind a computer.
                      yes the end post he made was more reasonable, but that was after it was pointed out to him that he has to follow the court order and how a 9 year old has really no choice in the matter, its up to the adults to sort it out. He wasnt really listening to that at the start.

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                      • #41
                        Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                        yes the end post he made was more reasonable, but that was after it was pointed out to him that he has to follow the court order and how a 9 year old has really no choice in the matter, its up to the adults to sort it out. He wasnt really listening to that at the start.
                        My take on it was both sides were not listening, to a degree. What I was trying to tell him, is yes it is frustrating the way some people talk to people on this site, but if you look really hard, sometimes there is some valid advice. It is just to bad the advice couldn't just come, in a different way. Just seems like we could all avoid the hostile side, I think a lot of us get enough of that in our personal life.

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                        • #42
                          For those of you with the recent 'positive' comments - THANKS.

                          For everyone that provided valuable information about the legal side - Thanks.

                          For everyone - I guess things would have gone the right direction from the start, if I could have provided more information. But had I done that, there is a chance his Mom would find the post. In fact, I made some changes to make that very difficult.

                          For the 'dribs and drabs' sprinkled through this post, that helped me make a plan - THANKS FOR LISTENING AND HELPING ME PLAN.

                          See - what I am after is a plan to spin her bad parenting and parental alienation against me, to my advantage. So, when he says his Mother is never home, and I am - that's to my advantage, regardless if he is stuck in his room making an apology card etc. or sitting through another tough talk from me about getting on the right bus. When he comes home saying how much his Mom hates me, and does not hear or feel the same from me about her (I don't) then that's to my advantage. When he sees me handling situations without YELLING and SCREAMING at him like she does - that's to my advantage.

                          NOW - when he comes home nights he is to be at her house, my INITIAL plan is as outlined above. It follows the court's expectations, it creates a paper trail to back me up, and it will also document that she is never home until after dinner - because that's when she'll arrange to pick him up at the exchange point, or use as an explanation why he needs to be taken to her Mom's in a Taxi.

                          If she was a good parent, I would have no problem disciplining him as much as needed by 'grounding' him etc. But, she is a pathetic parent. Every decision is about her, and not her son. She is a Mom because her family and friends expect that of her. I know this as fact, because I have a hand-written note she had posted in her office cubicle when this all started that laid out her 'new life'. It point blank stated she would have our son every other weekend, so she could be a 'party girl' at the dance clubs the rest of the time. A co-worker of hers that was appalled at that, got me a copy.

                          So - for those of you that think I should yell and scream at him to get in the car so I can take him to a home where she rarely is, and there is no love, because that's how it has to be - sorry. I don't want to teach him that, and I don't want that for him. I do want to teach him that life is not fair - but I also want to teach him that we can change our situation sometimes.

                          If there was some scenario where she could convince her family she had no choice but to accept visitation every other weekend, deep inside, she would be HAPPIER about that, as long as she could maintain the 'poor me' image. I am hoping that if our son starts coming to my house - that will be one small step in that direction.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            You don't get to judge her as a parent, just like she doesn't get to judge you. If you posted more of your life, trust me, I could find many things that you do that I would judge harshly, as a fellow parent.

                            And you seem to be taking advice from a poster who would have moved a 9 year old across the country, away from a parent, without understanding the long term ramifications or caring about the inevitable dissolution of a parental relationship.

                            None of the posts so far have contained vitriole, or been harsh.. they have been honest and frank.

                            If I were your ex, the moment I heard of this nonsense from you, I'd call the school and instruct bus access to only the child's primary residence - mine. That would shut down any of this kid's right of entitlement to choose where he went.

                            I get where you are coming from - but I've been the parent who has always DENIED my kid... when she texts me and asks if we can fake her death so she never has to go to my ex' house again, I say NO. You have two parents, and you will be parented by two parents.

                            As Tayken has already posted, if you can't parent, and if you choose to make this move, I suspect a judge will be making the decision for you - and it won't be to your benefit.
                            Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by mcdreamy View Post

                              None of the posts so far have contained vitriole, or been harsh.. they have been honest and frank.
                              Man you need to get your head out of your ass becasue I just read through this whole thread and I am shocked.

                              Its full of vitriole!

                              Bigdad you are right, the whole family law system is severely broken, lawyers lie, they say all kinds of thing to make you think you have a case. They lie to judges and they are believed. I had one Judge say ' a severence package is income and you have to pay support on that income' then in a settlement conference the same judge says 'what justifies you to get all that extra support' Then you are left standing there with your sausage in your hand and jaw dropped not know what to say.

                              How the hell can you move forward with something like that?

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                              • #45
                                Originally posted by Technodaddy View Post
                                Man you need to get your head out of your ass becasue I just read through this whole thread and I am shocked.

                                Its full of vitriole!
                                I have a skinny ass.. unfortunately hereditary. I'd love to have a plump, round ass, but it is not to be. And yes, I am very jealous of plump asses. But fitting a head up my skinny ass would be most likely impossible.

                                Please, quote the vitriole that I seemed to have missed.
                                Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                                Comment

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