My Child and my Girlfriend 'squabbling'

[ANewLife]

My ex and I separated December 2006, although shared matrimonial home (separate floors) until June of last year.

I have my 2 sons with me FT (14 and 9) and my girlfriend (of over 1 year now) moved in in September.

She and my oldest have started squabbling - she has tried to be nice and things go well for a few weeks. My oldest then seems to retaliate and last weekend started a campaign to get my girlfriend out of the house and is refusing to do some basic tasks around the house and is very rude and belligerent towards her and now me, as I won't necessarily do as he wishes (i.e. get her out of the home).

I want to see how things work for a few weeks as we had 'discussions' about all this over the last two weekends. My son is attending counselling this weekend.

My problem is this: When I have not had a live-in, my sons try and get me to be their housekeeper and I am constantly poking and prodding them to participate (in activities around the house as well as extra-curricular school activities etc).

We have been able to have some calm chats and I also inform them that I would also like a social life. The oldest states, fine as long as no one lives in my house (his words). My girlfriend has been pretty much there since we all moved in June.

Should she move out - she gave up her lease in September? She also seems determined to stay (which she benefits from financially, as do I, and provides stability for her). If she moves out we know we will break up.


Should we try and work through this - he is probably not going to be patient and stated he will not try and adapt at all.
He says that when he is 16 he will move out and I have lost a son, which I obviously do not want as part of the solution. He also says that If I don't do as he wants (i.e. get her out of the house and not see her), then he has no respect for me! (i.e he is trying to give me an ultimatum?)

I don't want to end up estranged from my son, but also want to be able to 'get on with my life' and do feel committed to trying to make it work with my GF.

My ex only sees them once every couple of weeks or so for a few hours and does not have them overnight or on a fixed schedule, so I have 24/7 responsibility.

[representingself]

You poor guy! What a terrible situation to be in... like this isn't hard enough.

Kids will be kids and teenagers will be difficult... even at the best of times.

Your oldest son is at a very difficult age right now, and he is hurt and confused and frustrated at the situation between his mother and you. It is only reasonable that he act out like this. Hopefully some counselling will help.

How is your new relationship with your new GF? Are you in love with her?
It is very important for you to determine how you feel about her, before you proceed. If you think that this woman is important to you and makes you happy, then I see no reason why you should have to let her go.

Your son is in pain, but he is still over-stepping his boundaries....

Even if you break it off with this woman, he will have the same issues/demands about the next woman you try to integrate into his life...and you can't be alone forever.

Your child needs some counselling, and he needs to be given some time to adjust. Like you said, he is unreasonable some of the time, not all of the time, so he is using "her" as an excuse to vent his frustrations.

[Mess]

This is a terrible story. I feel for you. No one is going to be able to offer the perfect solution.

Your son says he "won't respect you" unless you do what he says. He's not respecting you by giving ultimatums, and he won't ever respect you if you don't stick up for yourself. He is just tossing lines around that he doesn't understand and hasn't thought through.

Most/all children will resent a new spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. Your son is reacting to the extreme, and it seems like there must be more to the story. This isn't about blame, it's about finding the real root of the problem so that you can find the real solution.

You may have rushed the girlfriend moving in. It seemed like a long time to you, but it seemed quick to your son.

I don't want to pass judgement on your relationship, but if it boils down to, she has to live with you or it's over, is the relationship really about love or is it about finances and convenience? You have to answer this question for yourself, and also realize that questions like this are goin through your son's mind too, even if he can't fully articulate them.

It's obvious he is threatened by her being around. Something you have to stress to him and her both, is that she is not his parent, and doesn't have to be. He should have a choice in that. Nor should he have to be her friend. But he needs to learn to get along with people as workmates and housemates, and they should be able co-exist.

He needs you and he is saying this clearly, just not in plain language. And he is scared of losing you and losing his home and his world. And if he thinks it's lost anyway, then there's nothing more to lose if he walks away from it all, including you. This is a concept you have to address and change.

In a few years, even in a best case scenario, he will leave anyway, to go to college or university, or to start his own life and career. He won't stay forever. The difference we are talking about here is 16, or 18?

Look ahead to when he is 20, or 30, or 40, He will always be your son. This woman may or may not be your girlfriend in 6 months. You mention your son making an ultimatum, but between the lines your girlfriend is too. You live together or you will break up. The dilemma you have is because neither party is allowing you your own choice.

I can't give you a solution, but maybe thinking about these things I mention will help a little. Good luck.

[ANewLife]

This is a terrible story. I feel for you. No one is going to be able to offer the perfect solution.

Your son says he "won't respect you" unless you do what he says. He's not respecting you by giving ultimatums, and he won't ever respect you if you don't stick up for yourself. He is just tossing lines around that he doesn't understand and hasn't thought through.

Most/all children will resent a new spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. Your son is reacting to the extreme, and it seems like there must be more to the story. This isn't about blame, it's about finding the real root of the problem so that you can find the real solution.

He has gotten some of his information from his Mum and there is some 'competition' between losing his Mum and previous way of life and not accepting or participating in a new situation. I have emphasized with him that I know he didn't choose this, but sometime life does throw us curve balls.

You may have rushed the girlfriend moving in. It seemed like a long time to you, but it seemed quick to your son. Yes, I thought long and hard about that prior to it occuring. In the end it seemed there was a lot of change going on so 'doing it all at once' may still work. I also thought if I waited another say 6 to 12 months, he may be even less tolerant as it would truly he 'his home' by then

I don't want to pass judgement on your relationship, but if it boils down to, she has to live with you or it's over, is the relationship really about love or is it about finances and convenience? You have to answer this question for yourself, and also realize that questions like this are going through your son's mind too, even if he can't fully articulate them.Yes, this is something I need to reflect on along with the previous poster commenting about whether I truly love my GF or not. She certainly has more to lose from it not working so is pushing as well and wants to know where she stands

It's obvious he is threatened by her being around. Something you have to stress to him and her both, is that she is not his parent, and doesn't have to be. He should have a choice in that. Nor should he have to be her friend. But he needs to learn to get along with people as workmates and housemates, and they should be able co-exist.Yes, this is one of my primary concerns. I feel this is an opportunity for him to learn about societal behaviours. He openly said: I am fine in other places, I am choosing to do this behaviour here (ignore her, not speak to her, glare if she happens to discipline. We have spoken that she is not their parent but is another adult in the home. She does cook meals and clean etc for all, as do I, so deserves to be acknowledged for that - they thank me for dinner, but if then realize she cooked it, almost take it back)

He needs you and he is saying this clearly, just not in plain language. And he is scared of losing you and losing his home and his world. And if he thinks it's lost anyway, then there's nothing more to lose if he walks away from it all, including you. This is a concept you have to address and change.

In a few years, even in a best case scenario, he will leave anyway, to go to college or university, or to start his own life and career. He won't stay forever. The difference we are talking about here is 16, or 18?

Look ahead to when he is 20, or 30, or 40, He will always be your son. This woman may or may not be your girlfriend in 6 months. You mention your son making an ultimatum, but between the lines your girlfriend is too. You live together or you will break up. The dilemma you have is because neither party is allowing you your own choice.Regarding the above 2 paragraphs, this is my real concern- I would hate to be estranged from my son when he is an adult with a life and children of his own

I can't give you a solution, but maybe thinking about these things I mention will help a little. Good luck.

Thanks for this reply and the one above. It really helps put some perspective on the situation as well. PS I said to both of them, they both don't seem to be considering my wishes as well!