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How do you combat the hopelessness?

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  • #16
    Very true. And if there is one thing the majority of my family and friends can agree on is the fact that it's better I found this stuff out now instead of 5 or 10 or whatever number of years down the road. It would have been way worse for the kids (and we probably would have had at least one more by then), way worse for me mentally and a disaster financially. Working the job I do, my ex would have been *miserable* to deal with because I am away a lot. I turned down a similar job with a different company just before we got married because of that. :|
    Last edited by Grauwulf; 04-17-2011, 01:41 PM. Reason: edited for puncuation

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    • #17
      There are always positives that you can find, even if they are small, few, and far between.

      Never turn an offer for coffee, company, and outing, anything like that.

      And try not to make your difficulties the centre of every conversation you have with friends and family. Even lie if you have to when they ask "how are you doing" - say "good today, thanks" maybe tomorrow you will say that and be telling the truth.

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      • #18
        "I'd be so much happier if my ex would just admit what she did was wrong. I don't expect an apology, nor do I want one anymore, but there's virtually no chance of that ever happening."
        Then let it go. Perform some private, hooky ceremony that represents that chapter of your life is closed. Close that chapter, turn the page and move forward. She isn't going to apologize -- forgive her the rotten things she did (in your mind) and move through it.
        As for sleeping -- try meditation, a glass of warm milk, avoid watching the news (or other mind-stimulating programs), don't lie in bed if you are unable to sleep (keep bed for sleeping and um... other intimate activities when you "get around" to it). It isn't easy to turn off your mind to sleep, but you can teach yourself to do that.
        IT will be an emotional roller coaster ride for a while yet. Take care of yourself. Good Luck.

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        • #19
          Practice the art of self care. Treat yourself like you would your best friend! Be Gentle with yourself and understand that it'll take time and it is ok to get any number of emotions bubbling up.

          Journal, talk to someone, learn to meditate, take a class, get active, eat well, sleep well, go for walks and get fresh air, get an affirmation cd, read an inspirational book, paint, practice kindness, smile at strangers, take up kick boxing, take a cooking class, volunteer, listen to music, and find reasons to be grateful.

          You aren't alone and you are worth it.

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          • #20
            Epona> I pretty much have let it go, I've had to for my own mental well-being and to improve my time with my son. He really is my number one concern, before anything else. I *know* getting anything of that nature from my ex is a pipe dream. As for bed, as an on and off insomniac over the years, I make sure that I'm not in bed if I'm not trying to sleep.

            One thing I have been trying to do is eat a little better, which is a real battle when you live in hotels more than 50% of the time. But I'm finding ways to do it. Volunteering is actually something that crossed my mind yesterday as a possible release, but right now I'm just trying to get some quiet time when I'm not at work to try and recharge my batteries. I'm just emotionally wrung out right now. And peace and quiet is a commodity that is in short supply in my world right now.

            I really appreciate everyone's input and suggestions!

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            • #21
              It will take time for the wounds to heal. The bar scene is not a good idea as the last thing anyone wants to do is discuss your problem with total strangers who are under the influence of alcohol, and burry your problem with alcohol....one drink becomes two and so forth! There are many good ways to meet new people but not necessarily to get involved since the emotions are running high at this point. Getting involved with volunteering in your community, getting a membership at a gym, join a club who meets on a weekly basis and involved in the community (rotary or Lion's club etc..), join a group on how to deal with separation, divorce..all where can meet new people. Most therapists will tell you to write down your feelings on paper; and there is if convenient for some "dogs man's best friend". I will always remember what the therapist who was in charge of the separated/divorce workshop I attended said to the group: "you cannot change another person, make them love you, admit to their mistakes, take responsibility for their actions, make them grow up, or possibly understand how their complex mind works, therefore, you have a choice to either: accept them for who they are, knowing all of the above, leaving you unhapy for the rest of your life; or think positive, make changes in your life, move on, focus on taking care of YOU, you needs, what will make YOU happy. Life is too short. One goes through the same process emotionally if not worse when going through a divorce than when grieving the lost of a loved one. One difference is the one going through the divorce, the other person can make your life miserable for as long as they want ~ "DO NOT LET THEM" ~

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              • #22
                One activity I've found to be useful as a meditative 'escape' is learning/practicing a musical instrument. It's very achievement-oriented, repetitive yet absorbing, solitary (but can lead to social opportunities). In university, overwhelmed by classes, I cherished the 90 minutes jazz band practices - realizing that for those 90 minutes I did not think about fluid mechanics or differential equations or numerical methods AT ALL. It's also fun to be a beginner again in an adult group class.

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                • #23
                  Plus, if you decide to learn drums, it really ups your cool factor with your kids!

                  But dinkyface, music IS mathematical!

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