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  • #31
    The problem with my partners situation is that he doesnt even get a choice. Regardless of what the order says, the ex makes her plans without his input. He didnt even get the chance to say "ok lets work out a compromise" it was just "these are the plans and theyve always been the plans order or not". Then to cover the ass it was "well I was willing to accommodate but the kids didnt want it". She also puts it back on him that the break down in the relationship is his fault ignoring that she has shared misinformation with the kids since they split. The kids only have her version of events because he abides by the order to not involve them. He has multiple emails where he has tried to compromise to see his kids and its always a fight for control. Hell he drove up two weeks after the holidays last year with a gift that couldnt go on the train with them and because I was with him the ex started a fight. All he wanted to do was make sure she had her gift! He worked out dropping it off with her not the ex (as she had said for him to do) and she tried to take back control and stop her from seeing him! He was even willing to just deliver it, kid said lets have dinner!!! As he rightly stated to me yesterday, his kids are old enough now to see this for what it is and have a say. Theyre taking moms side because its easier even if they dont agree (which we may never know) but they are also old enough to understand consequences and that their actions hurt other people. My partners ex has never been reasonable or willing to work together even with a court order.

    My family learned long ago that you can work around weird schedules (my brothers are emergency services and my sister worked for a news broadcaster) and still enjoy traditions. When two families come together you have to make accommodations and create new traditions. My partners ex never did that and it caused a great deal of stress on their marriage. Hes just as responsible for catering to it and hes learned that the hard way.

    Bottom line is we both decided to stop letting this drama and ridiculousness impact our lives. She can make any excuse she wants and the kids can hide behind her or use her stupid logic all they want. He wont play into it anymore. As sad and as hurtful as it is, he sees it for what it is and she only wins if he lets her. She can spout her bs all she wants but the only person shes hurting is herself. Catering to the crazy is the worst thing we can do. So we had a nice evening and morning, hes reading up on a hilarious toy I bought him and we're heading to dinner later. Hes not sitting around feeling sorry for himself or bemoaning whats happened. This behaviour is exactly what his therapist said he had to do and hes finally following her advice.

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    • #32
      rockscan it sounds as though your husband is on the right track. The kids will eventually come around. I thought of you and many other people on this forum when I read this today in the Huffington Post. I can't imagine how difficult it must be with blended families this time of year:

      I Am No Longer a People Pleaser at Christmas|The Purple Fig
      Last edited by arabian; 12-25-2014, 01:06 PM.

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      • #33
        Ugh. Heres where I dont get this whole bullshit situation. Yesterday he turned his phone off because he didnt want to be sitting watching it waiting for a call. Both kids called his parents house looking for him. He had two messages from both of them last night. They ignore him for weeks, their mother tells him they feel forced to see him, the oldest wasnt planning to visit and told him nothing, mom says the youngest isnt comfortable being alone with him and then they hunt him down to wish him merry christmas? How do they think thats going to make him feel? What kind of mixed message is this? Do they have any idea how much this hurts him? Yes I know these are pretty much rhetorical questions. This is seriously effed up. Unfair as well!

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        • #34
          I am saying this with the utmost respect:

          I would recommend you and your partner read this book:

          Divorce Poison | Classic Guide to Overcoming Parental Alienation | Dr. Richard Warshak

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          • #35
            Ive been looking for that book. I read the one about parental alienation. He HATES self help books as his ex was constantly reading them to fix him when clearly she needs to fix herself. Ill pick it up and read it though. Maybe it will help me help him.

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            • #36
              I don't see it as a mixed message really. If the children call I'd personally be taking the calls. This is what I refer to as "keeping the door open".

              You can't suck and blow. You can't say you want to see and hear from them and then protest when they do call.

              I know it's confusing. And very difficult to go through....been there/done that.... but when they call consider it an opportunity to say "I love you, I miss you and I hope we can spend some time together very soon".

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              • #37
                No he gets that Serene but he also acknowledged he wasnt in the right mind set to speak with them. He wanted to know why he wanted to know what happened he wanted answers and he told me if he did talk to them he didnt know if he was strong enough to just say "you too I love you" to them. Hes trying to get his head into the right mind set over it all so he doesnt say the wrong thing and make it worse.

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                • #38
                  I think there is generally too much emotional fluff that goes on during the "big 4" days in the year (Christmas, Easter, Mothers Day and Fathers Day).

                  As the children are not knee-biters and are old enough to be responsible for their respective behaviours, I would simply plan to be away at these times of year. It might be awkward at first but once the kids know that good old dad has a life (outside of being their father) they will soon learn that they have to show more respect to him and his feelings If they want to be included in his plans. I'd plan well ahead and give them lots of opportunity to indicate if they want to come along but be very firm in confirmation deadline date. Once that deadline has come and gone you just say "maybe the next time you can join us."

                  The reason I would do this is simple. Mother seems to let the kids dictate when/where they will visit the father. That's fine, they just have to learn their father doesn't not cater to their immature whims and father has a life of his own.

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                  • #39
                    Already planning for next year we have a number of international friends who have extended invitations to us repeatedly but kids and work schedules got in the way. Now that he knows a court order wont be adhered to and we have 12 months to work out employment schedules, we're making plans.

                    And I downloaded that book. Going to read it tonight!

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                    • #40
                      One final update on this and then Im walking away from this emotional mess. My partners ex wife is ridiculous and he resolved to stop buying into her bs. She emailed him AGAIN making comments about how the visit didnt happen because he didnt come up with ways to make it happen. Then went on and on about how she and her family do nothing but speak fondly of him and the kids are uncomfortable with him and she cant understand why. Meanwhile he had some quality time with his nephew who told him a completely different story. One about how hes so uncomfortable around his aunt because of all the stuff she says and how his kids say stuff and it hurts him because he loves his uncle so much. He said he hated being around them all because they start bad mouthing my partner and the nephew cant do anything to stop it. Im inclined to believe the kid. Plus, when my partner called his ex on her claims about the visit by reminding her SHE was going to advise him on the dates, his kid emailed him saying it was her decision which is a new pattern that developed this year--when he catches mom in a lie one of the kids pops up taking responsibility. Like I said, ridiculous and hes not going to buy into it anymore. He asked the kids to give the relationship some thought and how the three of them can work together to repair it and move forward. Hes not responding to anymore messages that dont require a response.

                      Its really unfortunate and sad and hes been very upset that it has stretched out to drag his nephew into it.

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                      • #41
                        Rockscan, we get this all the time... I'm sorry this is happening to you...

                        While not the same, I will give you some examples of similar stupidity from my husband's ex:

                        Dad took a week vacation several years ago and missed two days of access with kids. Of course, he told mom about this well in advance and requested make up time to which she refused. Mom wrote in every court document how dad 'abandoned the kids to vacation with his girlfriend"... fast forward to when mom wants to travel with out children - its tolerated just fine by dad, he doesn't make stabs at mom, everyone likes a little alone/adult time. No biggie...

                        Mom chastises dad who has children more than 40% of the time constantly about missing an hour here or there (hours that the child is lets say at a baseball game on mom's time that dad doesn't go to, but dad attends all the baseball games during his time). And she goes on and on about how this is "lost time" and how dad can "never get this time back" then she sends an email the next day asking him to fcut his access short a few days with the kids for her to have more access time.... ummmm suck and blow much? lol

                        And every year that she interferes with dad's access, which is mostly on special occassions, it is ALWAYS dad's fault... even the invisible traffic that delayed them almost an hour on father's day (there was no traffic, we live in farm country and there isn't even a traffic light lol) was somehow dad's fault...

                        It's not about what it's about. Repeat.

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                        • #42
                          Im convinced its all high conflict and need for drama. She paints herself as this poor hard done by martyr who has done nothing but give him everything and she has nothing left. The only problem is my partner felt this need to respond and call her on it but he realizes now it only feeds the dragon. 2015 is going to be an interesting year!

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