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  • Shared Parenting and Unmarried Fathers

    Hi guys,

    Just wondering if anyone had some advice or statistics on unmarried fathers and whether or not they are at a disadvantage in recieving shared parenting.

    Just a few quick notes, communication is impossible. I basically get no input or say into anything, even trying to work together only results in me getting guilted, blamed and recieving inflammatory statements.

    Thankfully all communication is written so Ive saved it and I feel I can easily demonstrate that it simply would not work for us to have a conventional joint custody.

    What I want is parallel parenting with a 50/50 time split and probably have to delegate responsibilities in some areas so as to avoid any of these problems, and probably the only real issue that would require a discussion on would be the bills resulting.

    I am trying to be incredibly mature about this but it is not easy with this woman, I basically am at a point where it is virtually impossible and senseless to even try to talk to her with all the anger, switching the parenting schedule without an agreement, putting doctors appointments on my time (thankfully this has stopped) and scheduling extra curricular activites on my time recently.

    We have been in the process for quite some time now, and it is fairly obvious that she is using stalling tactics.

    Thats it in a nutshell, any comments or advice that anyone could share?

  • #2
    Seems odd - she schedules Dr appointments so that you are the one bringing the kid, yet doesn't permit you any say in decisions? I'm curious - why don't you want to take the kid to the Dr?

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by NeverGreen View Post
      I am trying to be incredibly mature about this but it is not easy with this woman, I basically am at a point where it is virtually impossible and senseless to even try to talk to her with all the anger, switching the parenting schedule without an agreement, putting doctors appointments on my time (thankfully this has stopped) and scheduling extra curricular activites on my time recently.
      Why would you not want to be involved in your child's medical care? Taking the child to the doctor's appointment would be part of it. Unless you are suggesting that she is only scheduling the appointments during your parenting time?
      Last edited by Nadia; 04-02-2013, 09:41 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Read deeper. She's scheduling the appointments during his time and taking the child to the appointment herself. And she's scheduling and taking the child to play group, or soccer, or yoga when he's supposed to have the child. It's an excuse to not give him access.

        Nevergreen, what is your current access schedule?
        Last edited by paris; 04-02-2013, 10:20 PM.

        Comment


        • #5
          Post is not very clear.

          Even if she is scheduling appointments during his time, what is stopping him from letting her know that given that it falls on his parenting time, he will take the child to the doctors appointment. That could only add to his argument for shared parenting.

          Comment


          • #6
            Sorry Ill try to clear a few things up here.

            The scheduling appointments started out as scheduling thew appointment when I was supposed to have my parenting time, and she asked me to pick him up on another night. Except one time she asked if I could take him when I picked him up, and I had plans to go out to the mountains (She sprung it on me), and I said that if I couldnt get around to it today, Id get him there the next day. It was nothing serious...as she put it "She wasnt concerned...just wanted to be sure". Well she took him that night after I dropped him off and I didnt hear the end of it, even though she was fine with what had been spoken to at the exchange.

            One time I was supposed to pick the child up from daycare and take him to an appointment, however she changed that as I "couldnt be trusted".

            Ive also got a litany of emails of her demanding me to be at drs appointments with her. Yet at the same time wouldnt release any medical information (names, numbers) at all to me.

            As for the extra curriculars, basically one day she told me I had the choice of taking him to them, or I would be picking him when they were finished. Which isnt right given it was right in the middle of the day on my weekend. I agreed I would take him, then she managed to work it so we were both there together.

            Problem is she has serious anger problems, no conflict resolution problems, a penchant for twisting everything, victim playing and lying. She does whatever she wants without even asking my input, anytime I try to have a say it becomes the aforementioned blaming, guilting and inflammatory words. Even being near her people have commented on her attitude and outbursts. That isnt good for the child to witness, and quite frankly, neither myself nor anyone else around needs to witness it. Ergo I will take the child to doctors appointments, but not with her, and likewise I will not attend drs appointments with her. (Ive got the drs name and number now so I just schedule my own appointment to follow up after she goes)

            The latest problem is that apparently Im not supposed to be talking to the daycare, or dropping off cheques or anything there unless it is on my parenting time. Bear in mind, she just picked a daycare with 0 input from me whatsoever and handed me the bill. Says shes working but doesnt qualify for a subsidy, but Im pretty certain she isnt working.

            Just some examples.

            My current access schedule is every second weekend and then 2 nights on the off week. I have steadily got increasing access, never missed my child support (in fact i actually had to take her to court to even pay support, she wouldnt let me, but thankfully I saved those emails). I believe fully in 50/50 being best for the child as it maximizes exposure to both their families, and this should only be inapplicable in the case of emotional/physical/sexual abuse, neglect, or agreement by the parties. Even with substance abuse I believe it should have to be severe cases or with proven child endangerment to deviate from this track.

            Hope that clears some things up here.

            Comment


            • #7
              Some basic advice...

              Don't converse with her. Make all communication by email. Do not have face to face discussions, do not text, do not phone. Have a single means of communication that is tracable and verifiable. (There are some possible means of transcribing texts, but you have to jump through hoops and it is not worth it.)

              Any "real time" communication is too likely to lead to conflict, and it doesn't give you a record of broken agreements and misleading statements. It is too likely to lead to emotional outbursts. Just stay away from it. With an email you have verified document of an agreement and you have a chance to sit and think for as long as you need to make a response. Just keep it businesslike and always write as though you know a judge will be reading it some day.

              Do everything possible to arrange the schedule so that the two of you do not ever have to meet in order to make an exchange. The simplest way is to do exchanges by one parent dropping off at school/daycare and the other picking up. Both of you stay involved with the teachers, etc. and you don't have to have any face time with each other. You are divorcing for a reason, keep some space between you. This alone will reduce emotions and conflict.

              If you know there is an appointment upcoming, then attend. This will support your claim for any level of custody.

              As long as there is no court order or separation agreement that states otherwise, and you are obviously part of the child's life, then right now you legally have joint custody. From the Children's Law Reform Act:
              Father and mother entitled to custody
              <!-- TRANSIT - HYPERLINK --><!-- .réforme du droit de l'enfance (Loi portant), L.R.O. 1990, chap. C.12. -->20.<!-- TRANSIT - HYPERLINK --><!-- .réforme du droit de l'enfance (Loi portant), L.R.O. 1990, chap. C.12. --> (1) Except as otherwise provided in this Part, the father and the mother of a child are equally entitled to custody of the child. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (1).
              Rights and responsibilities
              <!-- TRANSIT - HYPERLINK --><!-- .réforme du droit de l'enfance (Loi portant), L.R.O. 1990, chap. C.12. -->(2) A person entitled to custody of a child has the rights and responsibilities of a parent in respect of the person of the child and must exercise those rights and responsibilities in the best interests of the child. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (2).
              Authority to act
              <!-- TRANSIT - HYPERLINK --><!-- .réforme du droit de l'enfance (Loi portant), L.R.O. 1990, chap. C.12. -->(3) Where more than one person is entitled to custody of a child, any one of them may exercise the rights and accept the responsibilities of a parent on behalf of them in respect of the child. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (3).
              Where parents separate
              <!-- TRANSIT - HYPERLINK --><!-- .réforme du droit de l'enfance (Loi portant), L.R.O. 1990, chap. C.12. -->(4) Where the parents of a child live separate and apart and the child lives with one of them with the consent, implied consent or acquiescence of the other of them, the right of the other to exercise the entitlement of custody and the incidents of custody, but not the entitlement to access, is suspended until a separation agreement or order otherwise provides. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (4).
              You should not, ever, depend on the mother to provide you with medical or school information. You should be getting that information from the source. This is to be a part of the child's life and to assert your active custody. If you let the other parent have control over information, then they will use that control. You are experience this already. Assert yourself, not with the mother, but with the doctor, school, etc. and make it clear to the world that you are a joint custodial parent. You may have to jump through hoops, but when the day comes in court when you have to justify your claim, you can show factually all of the steps you have taken.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by NeverGreen View Post
                The latest problem is that apparently Im not supposed to be talking to the daycare, or dropping off cheques or anything there unless it is on my parenting time. Bear in mind, she just picked a daycare with 0 input from me whatsoever and handed me the bill. Says shes working but doesnt qualify for a subsidy, but Im pretty certain she isnt working.
                To Mess' very thorough post, I'd only like to add that if you think she is not working, then daycare is not necessary, and you should not be paying anything until she provides proof that the daycare expenses are necessary for her to work or attend school.

                Why do you think she isn't working? She must be living off something, especially if she tried to refuse CS at the start. Has she disclosed her income to you? You need it anyway to calculate CS for offset method, and to determine proportion of Section 7 expenses, like daycare.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I suggest everyone read the acts that effect children.
                  in ontario they are:
                  The divorce Act
                  The children's law reform act
                  The family law rules - court of justice act

                  There are some very good points to be had out of these, but a general reading will help you prepare for court and to deal with issued from the other side.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Thanks for the reply Mess,

                    I would attend the doctors appointments, except like I mentioned, no one wants to see an outburst, and if I go, she will have an outburst. I have had my lawyer recommend not being anywhere near her without a tape recorder, and to minimize my presence. It was his suggestion I just make my own appointments. No one wants to witness that.

                    She is supposed to be emailing me, its written right in the court order. However she keeps me texting me regardless, Ive had my lawyer tell hers, Ive sent her numerous emailed responses asking her to please start respecting the court order and nothing seems to work with her. Anyone have any advice for that?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Rioe,

                      Sorry I meant to include this in my last post but sometimes I seperate my thoughts and it shows in my answers lol.

                      She wouldnt let me pay CS, however she is chronically unemployed, and still lives with her parents. I am going to be asking for a record of employment at the next court date as if she was working she would be eligible for a subsidy with the amount she makes. Im pretty sure shes just trying to run up my bills, but even then she seems to manage to be at the daycare every time Im there, schedule swimming lessons so were in the same room at the same time and she facilitates every exchange, she will not let her parents or myself meet at all.

                      Any ideas how to approach this in regards to proof of employment?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        It seems to me that she is not even asking you to pay anything but you are by choice and even went to court to get to accept CS.


                        I do not see why you would even care if she work or not. Your request will fore sure anoy her and what difference will it make. I would say only ask for it if you plan to do something with it.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Moolight View Post
                          It seems to me that she is not even asking you to pay anything but you are by choice and even went to court to get to accept CS.


                          I do not see why you would even care if she work or not. Your request will fore sure anoy her and what difference will it make. I would say only ask for it if you plan to do something with it.
                          I think that if she is on social assistance then the child support should actually be going to social assistance.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            If she is texting you, ignore it. If she refers to any text she sent you, say you have no idea what she is talking about.

                            It is true of all of us, but especially high conflict personalities, that we do things in order to get a response. If she doesn't get any kind of response from a behaviour, she will eventually stop doing it.

                            As well, what is her recourse? You have a court order stating that communications will be by email. So is she going to complain in court that you don't respond to her texts?

                            Just ignore all texts. There are apps you can get to block certain numbers from texting. I used one for months with my ex. She eventually realized I wasn't kidding that I was blocking her texts, she stopped sending them, and used email instead.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by involveddad75 View Post
                              I think that if she is on social assistance then the child support should actually be going to social assistance.
                              Still not OP's problem.

                              Comment

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