I am not new to this forum, but it seems to take me forever to find where to post a new thread. My situation is complex so please don't make assumptions or judgments, but I do need some help and I need it fast.
Sorry, it is so long!
Brief: Divorced in 1998 when pregnant with 3rd child - 3 children of the marriage - Son J - 19 years old, Son N- 15 years old and daughter M - 12.5 years of age currently.
Up until 2005, we had a shared custody agreement with a week about arrangement. Joint custody on making the usual decisions re: school, religion etc. My ex remarried in 2002 to a woman who had a son 1 year older than my middle child. Dad remained in the matrimonial home - I was evicted when pregnant with our third child. Ex was and still is, abusive both emotionally and physically. I did not fight for the home or anything else. However, over the 7 years, we were in and out of court many times. My ex wanted sole custody of all the children from day one, his words were also "it will be a cold day in hell before I pay you one red f.. cent".
However, silly me, I should have gone for sole custody because he has been on a campaign to try to prove me an unfit mother from day 1. (why? Because I had an affair and that betrayed him - my other big mistake) He fought over CS the entire time, worked cash jobs under the table, and has not filed income tax in 10 years. Suffice it to say, I have over the years erased all arrears. I just wanted the kids to be happy and to maintain a relationship with both parents and realized pretty quick that if I went after any CS, he would make it into a custody and access battle. I thought by not making this a matter of money, he might be more cooperative and stop calling CAS on me, accusing me of things I did not do. But even that has not stopped him.
Fast Forward to 2002 - when Dad remarried, his new wife joined in the vendetta against me. He now has a team partner in his vendetta. If the children were at his home, they would not be allowed to call me or I would not be allowed to attend school functions on his week. If I enrolled the kids in extra curricular activities such as dance or hockey, he refused to take them on his weeks. He calls CAS on me regularly, makes sexual abuse allegations and the saga continues.
2003 - I meet my now current husband. Great man, stable, healthy, loves my kids. I introduce them to him slowly. By 2004 - It is clear that the shared parenting is not working. My oldest son who is 14 at the time, starts to share the kinds of abuse going in Dad's home - He does not want to live with Dad but I insist we have a court order and he must go back and forth. SO... I request a full child assessement and a motion to vary allowing me to move with the children to a different community to reside with my then partner, now husband. The assessor states " the children will be better off residing with Mom and S. as they will support and encourage an ongoing relationship with Dad. The children need the stabiility of the home they can offer and need to be raised by their natural mother, not stepmother ( at the time, my ex was working out of town from Mon - Friday so the kids were raised by step mom). Assessor also clearly states that if the children reside with Dad, he will estrange them from Mom. So we move 1 hour away. Kids still see Dad every other weekend, mid week visits, split holidays etc.
So fasst forward. July 2008 my middle son ( then 12) goes to visit Dad for weekend access and refused to return. Too many details to go into, but suffice it to say, he has no contact with me now. He refuses to visit, communicate. I signed an agreement within 3 days to settle. But now Dad and his new wife have successfully alienated him from me. My oldest son is also alienated - they refuse to allow him to attend their home at any time. ( probably because they think he was the cause of the order allowing the children to move with me) The oldest son has been in and out of emotional health counselling for years over issues of abondonment. BTW - although my order states N is to attend, there is nothing a parent can do when they refuse at the age of 12 - 13.
So, everything is normal right. No, I now have a 12 year old daughter who has been living with my husband and I since 2005. She is in grade 7. Happy, well adjusted, no concerns. Goes every other weekend to Dad's, shared holidays etc. No restrictions on access. I encourage regular contact.
She goes to visit at Christmas and refuses to return the following weekend. " It is my choice, you cannot make me return" ( Clearly coached by Dad., step mom and brother" N was allowed to leave and it was his choice, so why cant I. I got an emergency motion and had her returned. But now, she is angry, and is very upset. She does not want to live with me, is blaming me for having her returned, is emailing and callling Dad 4 - 5 times a day - is buying right into the alienation camp.
So, I know I have to let her go live there. The longer she stays with me, the longer she will be able to build resentment towards me and if that happens, then it is probable she won't visit me either on weekends and then I will have lost 2 children. I am stuck. I also know if she goes to live there, it won't be long before they alienate her from me. She is 12 and is not going to be able to not be impacted by a hostile aggressive home that hates MOM.
What do I do. The other thing is that I keep telling her that right now without a written agreement between Dad and I, I cannot let her go live there. She is now blaming me even more.
Sorry, it is so long!
Brief: Divorced in 1998 when pregnant with 3rd child - 3 children of the marriage - Son J - 19 years old, Son N- 15 years old and daughter M - 12.5 years of age currently.
Up until 2005, we had a shared custody agreement with a week about arrangement. Joint custody on making the usual decisions re: school, religion etc. My ex remarried in 2002 to a woman who had a son 1 year older than my middle child. Dad remained in the matrimonial home - I was evicted when pregnant with our third child. Ex was and still is, abusive both emotionally and physically. I did not fight for the home or anything else. However, over the 7 years, we were in and out of court many times. My ex wanted sole custody of all the children from day one, his words were also "it will be a cold day in hell before I pay you one red f.. cent".
However, silly me, I should have gone for sole custody because he has been on a campaign to try to prove me an unfit mother from day 1. (why? Because I had an affair and that betrayed him - my other big mistake) He fought over CS the entire time, worked cash jobs under the table, and has not filed income tax in 10 years. Suffice it to say, I have over the years erased all arrears. I just wanted the kids to be happy and to maintain a relationship with both parents and realized pretty quick that if I went after any CS, he would make it into a custody and access battle. I thought by not making this a matter of money, he might be more cooperative and stop calling CAS on me, accusing me of things I did not do. But even that has not stopped him.
Fast Forward to 2002 - when Dad remarried, his new wife joined in the vendetta against me. He now has a team partner in his vendetta. If the children were at his home, they would not be allowed to call me or I would not be allowed to attend school functions on his week. If I enrolled the kids in extra curricular activities such as dance or hockey, he refused to take them on his weeks. He calls CAS on me regularly, makes sexual abuse allegations and the saga continues.
2003 - I meet my now current husband. Great man, stable, healthy, loves my kids. I introduce them to him slowly. By 2004 - It is clear that the shared parenting is not working. My oldest son who is 14 at the time, starts to share the kinds of abuse going in Dad's home - He does not want to live with Dad but I insist we have a court order and he must go back and forth. SO... I request a full child assessement and a motion to vary allowing me to move with the children to a different community to reside with my then partner, now husband. The assessor states " the children will be better off residing with Mom and S. as they will support and encourage an ongoing relationship with Dad. The children need the stabiility of the home they can offer and need to be raised by their natural mother, not stepmother ( at the time, my ex was working out of town from Mon - Friday so the kids were raised by step mom). Assessor also clearly states that if the children reside with Dad, he will estrange them from Mom. So we move 1 hour away. Kids still see Dad every other weekend, mid week visits, split holidays etc.
So fasst forward. July 2008 my middle son ( then 12) goes to visit Dad for weekend access and refused to return. Too many details to go into, but suffice it to say, he has no contact with me now. He refuses to visit, communicate. I signed an agreement within 3 days to settle. But now Dad and his new wife have successfully alienated him from me. My oldest son is also alienated - they refuse to allow him to attend their home at any time. ( probably because they think he was the cause of the order allowing the children to move with me) The oldest son has been in and out of emotional health counselling for years over issues of abondonment. BTW - although my order states N is to attend, there is nothing a parent can do when they refuse at the age of 12 - 13.
So, everything is normal right. No, I now have a 12 year old daughter who has been living with my husband and I since 2005. She is in grade 7. Happy, well adjusted, no concerns. Goes every other weekend to Dad's, shared holidays etc. No restrictions on access. I encourage regular contact.
She goes to visit at Christmas and refuses to return the following weekend. " It is my choice, you cannot make me return" ( Clearly coached by Dad., step mom and brother" N was allowed to leave and it was his choice, so why cant I. I got an emergency motion and had her returned. But now, she is angry, and is very upset. She does not want to live with me, is blaming me for having her returned, is emailing and callling Dad 4 - 5 times a day - is buying right into the alienation camp.
So, I know I have to let her go live there. The longer she stays with me, the longer she will be able to build resentment towards me and if that happens, then it is probable she won't visit me either on weekends and then I will have lost 2 children. I am stuck. I also know if she goes to live there, it won't be long before they alienate her from me. She is 12 and is not going to be able to not be impacted by a hostile aggressive home that hates MOM.
What do I do. The other thing is that I keep telling her that right now without a written agreement between Dad and I, I cannot let her go live there. She is now blaming me even more.
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