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  • Lawyer (are you getting your money's worth)

    I'm sure there is probably a post about this already that I can't find.

    To use a lawyer or not? What do you think? Is it worth it? Have you gotten your money's worth? Would you have been able to settle with ex better without one?

    So far I have spent over $2000 in one month...We haven't started proceedings yet so I can't really say whether it will be worth it. However, I feel less worried that he will take full custody. I guess I got peice of mind for my $2000. Also whenever I have met with the lawyer I feel 100 times better than I did when I went in. Usually after getting some sort of threat from the ex.

    I have heard cases of people spending 50,000 to try and change the arrangment (to get more time with their children) just to have status quo rule and nothing changed.

  • #2
    I'm still in the middle of the process, but I found the lawyer's experience to be priceless. A good lawyer you can trust (i.e. not a runaway money train to trial), will put things into perspective and tell you what is worth fighting for and what is not. In my case, it made a whole lot of financial difference by including an inheritance I had dismissed (based on wrong info) and by not letting me settle for what I had originally offered, which would have been a terrible decision (I wouldn't have had money for old age)... A good lawyer will let you see the long term, not only the short-term results and they have connections to experts (actuaries etc). If money is tight and you can handle things/research/dealing with ex/with ex's lawyer etc... then find a lawyer who offers unbundled services, who will guide you in your work. Good luck (the amount of paperwork is overwhelming but this forum provides help and guidance) - and as a final note, only you know your ex and whether negotiations can work... From your post "Usually after getting some sort of threat from the ex.", I'd say you're in for a ride.... And as 2nd final/final note, I look at the lawyer's fee as a necessary investment, just make sure to cover all angles in your agreement, and project yourself in the future when the situation may change (new partners, kids off to university etc)

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    • #3
      Thanks Torontonian! I think I have a fairly good lawyer, she is very ethical. The ex happened to just call and he just obtained a lawyer. He was being polite! I think it may have something to do with the lawyer..not too sure. He was actually somewhat admitting that it's a control issue. Wow...never thought I'd see the day...I hope this mean progress.

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      • #4
        I do hope this good behaviour continues... I'd recommend some reading so you know what you are/will be facing with the ex... Anything about controlling people and/or Borderline Personality Disorder (for me: BPD Central - SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist went a long way...) The Public Library is your best friend

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        • #5
          If you have a good lawyer that you feel comfortable with, then that's worth it - every penny. Going it alone is not easy. Very stressful and the time you will spend and the running around will have you ragged in no time. My eyesight got worse quickly (when I self-rep'd for a short while), I slept very poorly, lost way too much weight, and I was a bag of nerves. Ask your lawyer to keep you informed of the costs and also ask if there's anything you can do (make copies, file docs w/the court, whatever) to keep your costs down. Wouldn't hurt to ask.

          Litigation often made me feel like a complete nervous wreck in the beginning. I didn't know if I was coming or going and quickly became way too absorbed w/all my "new duties" - I'm no lawyer! If you can keep your lawyer, definitely do so.

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          • #6
            Torontonian: thx for the book title! I could have used that. Will look it up. And you are so right - the library does have some excellent resources.

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            • #7
              Glad I could finally pay a little forward all the help I've gotten (directly or by reading others' posts) on this forum

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              • #8
                JD: yes, so much better w/ the lawyers communicating rather than you and the ex. Torontonian: thx again and there is so much great advice and support on here. We all need to help one another and this site is a great forum to share experiences, situations, and lessons learned the hard way. As well, it is a stark reminder that there are so many people going through very difficult times. It does help to know that, on many levels. I regret that I didn't access this info (or even know about it!) when my troubles were first brewing. I fell into a black hole for so long it seems, and I'm just glad that after what seems like a lot of torture, there is hope of navigating through the darkness and finding "light."

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                • #9
                  thanks torontonian and hadenough.
                  I am definitely going to check that out! I can't imagine doing it on my own, there is way too much to learn. I am already a ball of nerves. Well, some days better than others but I now know what anxiety really is. The racing heart, hard to breath...I've never had it until now. Every drop off and pickup I feel ill to my stomach waiting for what my ex or his family will say or do. I just hope that not too much damage has been done and that one day we can all get along. It's a rollercoaster ride and I am glad to have this forum for advice because objective opinions are the best.

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                  • #10
                    If you can be "civil" to each other, it will already be a success. Don't hesitate to look after yourself too, you need to keep it together for a long time. It is simply too easy to give in when too tired. And cutting the "cord" with the ex is very hard to do, but once done, it is a huge relief not to have that stress (Repeat: it's the ex' problem, NOT MINE...). Actually I have found that having a little voice recorder in my pocket alleviates the fear whenever I need to cross path with the ex...

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                    • #11
                      Torontonian is 100% correct. A good lawyer is priceless! There is nothing better for your success, level of stress and future than a great lawyer. But they are expensive.

                      Like many other professionals, lawyers sell their time. And like many other professionals, lawyers have varying degrees of skill and professionalism. I outright fired one lawyer for this. She basically ignored me! I provided her well-prepared, professional briefs with everything she would have needed to support my application for custody of my daughter. The last straw was when she missed a court date. Eventually I refused to pay the bill, and only after a long dialogue with her would she cancel it.

                      Mostly, you pay for the mistakes of your lawyer! Document resubmissions, phone calls and emails to clarify things that should have been clear, avoidable adjournments, etc, are usually at your cost! You also pay for your ex-spouse’s lawyer’s mistakes for the same reasons.

                      As for the cost, my legal fees for my divorce in New Brunswick were $37,000 back in 2001. As I got wise and did much of my own research, paperwork and case management, my legal fees were $6,000 in 2005 when I went for full custody of my daughter. Now, in 2009 to present, I am fully self-represented for my child support case. Saying this, I have incurred over $500 in personal costs to fight my case and invested maybe 100 hours of research time, FLIC visits, form-filling and so on.

                      I would love nothing more than to drop $20K and turn my whole case over to a lawyer, but not on my retirement year!

                      My two cents worth!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by torontonian View Post
                        I do hope this good behaviour continues... I'd recommend some reading so you know what you are/will be facing with the ex... Anything about controlling people and/or Borderline Personality Disorder (for me: BPD Central - SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist went a long way...) The Public Library is your best friend
                        This is a great book but, "It's All Your Fault" and "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes" (by the same author) are even better in my opinion.

                        Good Luck!
                        Tayken

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                        • #13
                          Thx so much for all the recommended reading! It's only recently I realized just how blind I was going into all of this at the beginning. Like the saying goes, "hindsight is 20/20"

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                          • #14
                            I hired a lawyer for my own peace of mind. It was a simple (for her) and for me, I didn't have to face my ex. It was only changes to the agreement more than 13 years later but to me, having someone who knew the laws, could do all the paperwork for me was priceless. I also have a full time and part time job, didn't leave much time for paperwork

                            I would call her again for anything, not even family law related.

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