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  • Does my opinon count in Joint Custody

    Hi Folks, first time here and Ive spent most of my morning looking through some of the old info. Great stuff!!

    My question today is......"How do I get my opinions heard by my ex husband"? We have joint custody, do I not get a say? Do non custodial parents have no rights at all? I hate feeling like my back is against the wall all the time and I have to watch the kids suffer. Sometimes I think I should have just sucked it up until they were done school and then left.........

    I have 3 boys, 20, 18 & 13. That live with thier Dad. We managed to get 2 of them through school, a lot of fighting with my ex and the boys, but we got it through their heads that education is important.

    My concern is for the the past couple of years I have been asking my ex-husband to do something about our youngest sons education. He repeatedly comes home with notes and report cards that say he is not doing his homework or handing in his assignments. I have sat down with my ex to discuss this, he agrees with me then goes back to his normal ways. He wanted the responsiblity of the boys, but I can now see that it was all a ruse to get to me.

    Well it is not about me or him it is about our son. How can I drill that into his head? How can I get him to stop allowing his hatred for me to see that it is hurting our son. I cant believe after 9yrs he still has sit down lectures with the boys on how much he hates me............pls

    Any advice, anyone may have, will be very helpful.

    Thanks,

  • #2
    If you have joint custody, you have the right to attend parent teacher interviews, make appointments with the principal for discussions and advice, and to arrange tutoring.

    Unless you have 0 time with the kids, you have the ability to sit down with them, help them with their homework and have your own discussions with them about their schoolwork.

    This can't possibly be just their father's fault, and he is not the only part of the solution. From the way you are writing this, and I understand that you are frustrated, but you are making it about him and not about your child. That is probably why he still feels animosity after all these years. It goes both ways and you are probabably each provoking the other. That doesn't make either of you a bad person, it points out why you got divorced in the first place.

    You have no ability to micromanage what goes on at the father's home. I'm sure you don't feel that's what you are doing, but I'm also sure that he feels that way, and this is why he is unco-operative.

    Many children have tough times through school. For many years I didn't give a darn about homework or grades, and neither did my friends. We pulled up our socks in grade 12 and qualified for university by grade 13 no problem.

    So sit down and work out exactly what it is you want to accomplish here. What is the end result. How can that result be achieved in your own home? What can you do with your boy while he is with you to help him?

    Then arrange a parent/teacher interview with his father and discuss what steps can be taken within each home. If the father choses not to attend or co-operate, that is his right, unfortunately.

    If he doesn't see the problem the same way that you do, that doesn't make him a bad parent, in means he has a different opinion. Bad grades don't mean the child is being abused and neglected, otherwise half the children in the province would be in foster care. After all, half the children are below average.

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    • #3
      Your children are old enough to take some responsibility for their homework, studying for exams and in the end their grades in school. Parents should have expectations of their children however it is really in the hands of the children to take on their work as their work. Parents are not always going to be their to get on their backs when they are in college or in university and are spending their time at the campus bar instead of studying for finals. In university, the profs don't get paid to babysit our children, if they don't show up, no one notices or cares.

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      • #4
        How does being concerned for my sons education turn into micromanaging, abuse or neglect................I have no response, as my jaw is still on the floor...................

        Mediation may be my only hope at this point because there will be no sitting down and talking resonably. Im tired of being the one to back down.

        Comment


        • #5
          could you approach the teachers and discuss with them? They might be able to schedule a parent-teacher meeting with just him where he won't feel like he is being cornered by you.

          I understand your concerns, but try to remember what it was like to be a teenager. Many of the decisions are not thought out well or are decided to rebel against parents. Has your son gone through any counselling?

          Mediation probably is a good idea. Obviously neither of you can agree with the other.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank you billiechic, first time I felt like I wasnt being attacked.
            I have tried. His teachers have given up on his Dad.............
            They have started to call me with their concerns, but it is difficult to do anything when we cannot come to any common ground. Our son does well with structure and right now there is none and there is nothing I can do about it. Im getting a little worn out.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Momymonkey View Post
              Hi Folks, first time here and Ive spent most of my morning looking through some of the old info. Great stuff!!

              My question today is......"How do I get my opinions heard by my ex husband"? We have joint custody, do I not get a say? Do non custodial parents have no rights at all? I hate feeling like my back is against the wall all the time and I have to watch the kids suffer. Sometimes I think I should have just sucked it up until they were done school and then left.........

              I have 3 boys, 20, 18 & 13. That live with thier Dad. We managed to get 2 of them through school, a lot of fighting with my ex and the boys, but we got it through their heads that education is important.

              My concern is for the the past couple of years I have been asking my ex-husband to do something about our youngest sons education. He repeatedly comes home with notes and report cards that say he is not doing his homework or handing in his assignments. I have sat down with my ex to discuss this, he agrees with me then goes back to his normal ways. He wanted the responsiblity of the boys, but I can now see that it was all a ruse to get to me.

              Well it is not about me or him it is about our son. How can I drill that into his head? How can I get him to stop allowing his hatred for me to see that it is hurting our son. I cant believe after 9yrs he still has sit down lectures with the boys on how much he hates me............pls

              Any advice, anyone may have, will be very helpful.

              Thanks,
              This is a tough situation.... if you and your ex still have a volatile relationship, then he, as the "custodial parent", will probably accuse you of interfering in his 'rights' to parent, without you meddling.... which will frustrate and anger you, and then the war begins!

              Unfortunately, you have no say in how he deals with the kids when they are with him, so if you two are on seperate sides of this issue, it will make things much more difficult....you may have to take matters into your own hands.

              I don't think this is an issue for the courts. Even if you wanted to, this is not an issue that would force a Judge to change the custody arrangements.

              Mediation is probably a waste of time and money. Your ex will probably agree that something needs to be done... but if he behaves as you say he does.... he wont follow through with anything.

              As the primary caregiver, he is responsible for taking care of your sons educational needs, and unfortunately it sounds as if he is not doing his part and you can't force him to do any different!

              Yes, teenagers can be difficult when it comes to homework and school assignments, but it is very important for the parents to push him to do his best and provide him with the tools and structure that he needs.

              If Dad is not enforcing things like homework time and assignment completion, maybe you should enroll your son in an afterschool tutoring program.

              Does he have an 'agenda'? The school district where I live sells these calander books that the kids write their daily assignments and homework in so that they wont forget.... If you son doesn't have one, maybe you could get him a journal for him to keep track of his homework.

              However, this wont work unless you and your ex check the entries every day and ensure that the work is completed.

              Maybe you should meet with his teachers, guidance counsellors and maybe even the Principal.... Does your son have an IEP? Is it possible that he may need one?

              If he is 13, I assume he is in grade 8??? If he is, and doesn't get his study skills and homework completion straightened out, he is going to be in trouble in grade 9.

              Do you see your son throughout the week? Maybe if you do, you can sit down with him and help him with his assignments. Unfortunately if Dad isn't doing the same, you will come off looking like the 'homework nazi' and your son will rebel against you. But it is your job to be his Mom and not his friend, so you will just have to chin up and perservere.

              When I was in school I hated it. And what I hated the most were the subjects that I didn't understand and struggled with. Your little guy needs some help right now, because it is just going to get harder and harder for him.

              Best of luck!!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by first timer View Post
                Your children are old enough to take some responsibility for their homework, studying for exams and in the end their grades in school. Parents should have expectations of their children however it is really in the hands of the children to take on their work as their work. Parents are not always going to be their to get on their backs when they are in college or in university and are spending their time at the campus bar instead of studying for finals. In university, the profs don't get paid to babysit our children, if they don't show up, no one notices or cares.
                The child in question is 13 years old. Ofcourse he is somewhat responsible for his school work, but in this situation, I think the little guy needs some additional guidance and structure from Mom and Dad.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Trust me I can relate to your situation, in a similar one only it is the mom that is not doing her share of the school work with my husband's kids. We have gone through all of the suggestions here (talked to teachers, set up meetings with the teachers, went to co-parenting sessions...etc) and in the end nothing has changed. Our only advantage is that we provide before and after school care so it gives us the time during their mom's week to check their homework, make corrections, complete projects, etc...Their mom does not feel that school work is a priority, her approach is they get the mark they get, end of story. We do not have any influence over how their mother runs her house. So instead of continuing with the issue, we realized the only influence we really have is over our kids. Our only recourse is to teach our children their responsibilities because from a teachers point of view - this came from the mouth of a teacher - the kids in her class are assigned homework and the expectation is that they complete it and if not the kids are held responsible not the parents. This has become our mantra with our kids because it is what is preached in their classroom by their teachers. We could have kept preaching to their mother but we found we are having more success by preaching to our kids. Best of luck!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Just an idea...could you get one of his older brothers to talk to him, explain how inportant it is to be a little more focussed? I hope they might be able to help him.

                    Comment

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