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  • #46
    Even though I said it because I know that she cannot properly raise teh child (based on the facts she has revealed to me or what she has told me). I think I have sound reason to say that. Even if she lied about it, that's what I know. She has not given me any reason to think otherwise. So, if its what I know why wouldn't I say that? It's bizzare that my words wouldn't be taken with that criticism given the information I have been told and the observations I have seen, whether or not they are true. It is what I know and what she told me. I think I would have a responsibility to express my concerns to her and indicate that I intend on raising the child so that there was no confusion about it, incase she decided she wanted to give it up after birth.

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    • #47
      Originally posted by FamilyGuy View Post
      Good point. So I should contact CAS about it? I mean it's something I would rather not do, but I have to do everything I can. Then I'm gettin this other party involved (her adopted sister) and it gets messy. I am hoping not to have to do it, but somebody has to think of what is best for this child if our court system won't.
      Yeah...see now there's that lack of judgement again.

      Best interest of the CHILD.

      If you truly think it is bad for a child to live in that environment, you would step up for the 11 year old that is currently living there. If you sincerely think the court will not consider that you stood by and said nothing while it was another child, but will consider you the wonderfully responsible parent for removing your child, you're in for a big surprise.

      "I'm hoping not to get involved because they're smoking drugs around an 11 year old child. But I will if I have to if it means I can use it against her to get sole custody of MY child."

      Seriously?

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      • #48
        that's not my child. this one is my child. that's the difference.

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        • #49
          OK,

          You really need to calm down. I know that's not easy.

          You cannot do anything until the baby is born.

          Once the baby is born you ask for a paternity test. If she refuses you ask for the court for one.

          Once you know you are the father then you can make an application for custody and access.

          I'm guessing you'll know when the kid is born as she will come asking for Child support especially if social services is involved in any way.

          I would do your best to assist her. Offer to take her to medical appointments etc. Not much else you can do. I also would not give her a penny until you are confirmed to the courts that you are the father.

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          • #50
            i dont parent other peoples children. if she thinks it to be appropriate than that is her business. it's wrong in my eyes, but in hers, not so much. She drinks and party's around her too, but again, that is her business. it's not something i would ever approve of or allow my children to witness. But is it causing serious harm to her. no. so i stay out of it. if she was beating her kid thats another story. her idea of whats appropriate simply doesnt match mine. thats how i see it. that's why i didnt call cas.

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            • #51
              Originally posted by FamilyGuy View Post
              that's not my child. this one is my child. that's the difference.
              Yeah, the defense that your unborn child's health and well being is more important than that of another, already existing child in this kind of scenario is NOT going to serve you well.

              What happened to the best interest of the child - or does that only apply to....your child?

              Edit: Ahhh...so there it is right there. It is a difference of parenting styles, not something you consider dangerous enough to do something about for a child.

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              • #52
                thank you fb. i will keep calm. i will write that letter to try to soften things up and hopefully it is effective enough that i will at least know when the child is born so that I can begin the legal process that way. I guess that's all I can do. It's sad, but i will do whatever i need to do. if that's what i have to do, I guess there's nothing I can do.

                I wish I was one of those people who can just forget about it and let her raise it and forget I even have that child. I wish I had that capability. But I don't. It's my child (and hers). I hope it all works out.

                And I always knew I would have to soften myself up anyway because I had no intention of taking motherhood away from her. I simply want what's best for teh child. It is ultimately best that we do what my sons mother and I have done and create a parenting plan together. But seriously, I know she is not able to PROPERLY care for a child, particlualry at this point in her life.

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                • #53
                  well smoking marijuana infront of a child isnt doing teh child any more harm than drinking in front of them. And I wouldn't do that either.

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                  • #54
                    Perhaps. But you cannot use a difference in parenting styles to secure sole custody.

                    I'm not saying that I think that smoking anything in front of any child is ok. I am, however, rather surprised that a parent would feel it is only an issue for THEIR child to be exposed to it as opposed to it being bad for ANY child.

                    Every parent I know, and even people I know without children, would definitely call CAS if drugs were being smoked in a house with children present - their own or not.

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                    • #55
                      Can I ask for a psychological test to further prove her unfitness?
                      If she is unfit then CAS will apprehend. If they don't, she is probably fit enough. No parent is perfect.

                      I definitely cannot understand why I would need supervised visitation - I would strongly argue the opposite.
                      Controlling nature and emotional intimidation of the mother may lead her to plead that you are a risk of failing to return the child. Furthermore, if you are that aggressive towards the mother (barely out of childhood herself) think what harm you could cause the child!

                      Besides, the child has been with its mother for the first year of its life, just because the paternity results came back positive doesn't mean you can completely disrupt the established routine.

                      What is the payment plan for arrears in child support?

                      I am certain a test of some kind will support this.
                      Which you have a right to impose upon her why?

                      I know she is not able to PROPERLY care for a child, particlualry at this point in her life.
                      A shame this didn't occur to you before January.

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        I think what people are trying to say is that offering to help is timely and a smart thing to do. However, suggesting you're taking the baby away is premature and will inflame the situation and alienate the girl.

                        Based on what you're saying you may end up with a very strong case for custody but you don't have it yet. Consider a softer, more collaborative approach to co-parenting with this girl until you can definitely prove your case. At least this way, you can try to negotiate a way see the child in the interim. Right now your headed for her blocking you from even seeing the child.

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                        • #57
                          Certainly is a shame. It is what it is. Trust me, I don't want to be in this situation.

                          I am not suggesting I force her to take some kind of test. I am wondering if because of the amount of "evidence" I have, is it something a Judge would order? I'll take paternity test, or whatever test they want me to take. But I have serious concerns that I would hope a court would at least entertain me in considering them.

                          I don't know that I have ever intimidated her. I mean, I have always been supportive of her. I have always been open to hearing her and considering her thoughts, even before she became pregnant. She at first indicated she wanted an abortion, which IO don't necessarily agree with, but I supported it. When she told me that she changed her mind but didn't want the child that's when I first indicated that I would be more than happy to raise the child. Then after that, is when she said she was going to keep it and raise it herself. Knowing what I know about her (what she has told me), I don't know how I wouldn't indicated that it would be my intention to raise the child. Although I admit that I should have had more foresight to see the outcome of that statement. I truly thought though that she felt the same - that she realized she couldn't raise the child. That was a miscalculation.

                          I will now have to backtrack and seriously humble myself to almost a crawl and hope its enough to get a foot in the door.

                          What arrears in child support? Am I missing something?

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Originally posted by FamilyGuy View Post
                            Certainly is a shame. It is what it is. Trust me, I don't want to be in this situation.

                            I am not suggesting I force her to take some kind of test. I am wondering if because of the amount of "evidence" I have, is it something a Judge would order? I'll take paternity test, or whatever test they want me to take. But I have serious concerns that I would hope a court would at least entertain me in considering them.
                            If your concerns are for the well-being of the child, you need to talk to CAS. They will look out for the child's well-being. You're jumping way ahead of yourself if you're imagining some sort of court scenario in which you are awarded sole custody. A judge won't give you custody just because you express concerns about the mother's parenting, especially when she hasn't even had the chance to demonstrate that she can be a good parent, if you get what I mean.

                            Originally posted by FamilyGuy View Post
                            I don't know that I have ever intimidated her. I mean, I have always been supportive of her.
                            If you told her you were going to take the child and raise him/her, that's pretty darn intimidating. You've got a lot of work to do to gain her trust back after that.


                            Originally posted by FamilyGuy View Post
                            I will now have to backtrack and seriously humble myself to almost a crawl and hope its enough to get a foot in the door.
                            Good plan. And you need to resign yourself to the fact that your biological child is going to be raised primarily by a very young mother, with help from her own mother and her sister. You can (and should) offer financial help and seek as much access to the child as possible, but I see nothing here that would lead to sole custody for you, at least not in the short term. You're going to need lots and lots of patience. And some evidence that this is indeed your biological child, either in the form of your name on a birth certificate, or if the mother won't do that, a paternity test (which may require a court application, and may take a long time). Patience, patience and patience.

                            (And finally, please take the picture of yourself and your other child (I assume that's who it is) off your profile. You don't know who could be reading this and might recognize your child).
                            Last edited by stripes; 04-14-2014, 05:11 PM. Reason: screwed up quotes

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                            • #59
                              Am I missing something?
                              The implication was the delay between your filing, obtaining the paternity test, getting the results and then seeking access would be 8-16 months. Thus, with a well established status quo, mother-to-be may claim you should only have supervised access since you've had little to no contact with the child and likely no positive contact with the mother.

                              Since the relationship with mother is poor, you probably didn't pay guideline support voluntarily, hence the arrears.

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                If I were the mother of the 19yr old I would be devastated. What sort of man (a father no less) impregnates a girl 16 years his junior?

                                D I S G U S T I N G

                                You do realize that you are old enough to be her father?

                                Posting a picture of yourself is sickening - it's almost like you are proud of what you have done.

                                You are a predator in my opinion, nothing less.

                                Comment

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