Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

So Tired

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #46
    Careful with redirecting the calls as she could claim that there was something urgent or an emergency and you refused to answer. Perhaps simply having it go straight to voicemail and then checking the messages might be a good plan? At least that way, you're getting the messages and can call her back if you decide it's necessary.

    Kudos on standing your ground though, good job!

    Comment


    • #47
      Have to admit...I did chuckle when I read what you did!!! When I was going through my stuff, it was so easy to try and 'get back' at the other person. I decided that I wasn't going to let my ex get to me. So when things were done out of spite, I didn't even acknowledge it. Acted as if nothing happened. I documented everything and after I gave no reaction for a while, it stopped. It may have enraged her even more...but there would be nothing on record that paints me as an aggressor that way!

      Comment


      • #48
        How much detail should I be putting in to documenting her lying about the children's location. She basically told me they were X and the kids later told me they were actually at Y. Is it relevant. I get she has rights to do as she wishes with the kids and does not need my permission

        Comment


        • #49
          Your journal notes don't have to be a well written novel. What I would write in that case was simply what you said. She said they would be x and I later found out from the kids it was Y. This potentially puts the kids in an awkward position if you ask how if they had a good time at x. My assessor took note of that...part of the "not understanding or ignoring potential effects her actions had on those around her" part of his summary. If it happens all the time, then a pattern can be established. Yes, journals are "he said she said", but when I went in with a year full of notes, it added to my credibility. You can lie about one or two or sporadic entries, but when they turn into months, its hard to ignore.

          Comment


          • #50
            Originally posted by FB_ View Post
            How much detail should I be putting in to documenting her lying about the children's location. She basically told me they were X and the kids later told me they were actually at Y. Is it relevant. I get she has rights to do as she wishes with the kids and does not need my permission
            I guess just summarize it in your journal. It's not like you're going to have any documentation to disprove these particular lies in court, so huge effort probably isn't helpful.

            Isn't it horrible when your ex lies to you about the children? Mine does that too, and I don't understand it, especially considering how well we appear to be cooperating. My kids will just blurt out something they did sometimes that I had no idea about. I know it's none of my business, and I'm not pumping the kids for information, but sometimes it comes out. I can't figure out what he might have to gain by lying to me. It's not like I would have tried to say he couldn't do that activity, or be mad at him afterwards, but to actively lie to me about what they did baffles me. And makes me a little concerned that he'll lie about something more important some day, like if they got hurt or something, or start teaching them to lie to me themselves.

            Comment


            • #51
              Again last night my stbx followed me around the house. I went to the basement she followed. I asked her to leave numerous times, she refused. I told her I did not want to discuss the crap she was trying to "sell" me. I left the basement, my living quarters, and went back up to the kitchen. She again followed me. I again told her to stop following me. If she had something to say send it through her lawyer. I went back to the basement tried to close the door but she was right behind me. I turned out the light and went and laid on my bed. She turned the light back on and also got on my bed. I then took out my cell phone and started to record her actions. She of course told me I didn't have her permission to record her and I asked her several times to leave and she refused. She then tried to physically remove my phone from my hands and I told her if she touched me again I would be calling the police. She then told me if I deleted the recording she would leave. I probably should not have but did and she did leave. I just wanted the situation over. I also had my voice recorder on during the situation which I did not delete.

              I'm going to Home Depot at lunch to buy a lock for the door. My question is that the laundry room is in the basement so I'm assuming I can only lock the door when I'm in the basement correct? My plan is to only lock her out in situations such as this one. I am also going to buy a lock that can be unlocked with a pen so that she can't try and claim the kids locked them selves in the basement and she couldn't get to them because she didn't have a key. This obviously would allow her to gain entry even during an argument but I think having the door locked is a clear indication I did not want her there. But, I'm not sure how else to handle this.

              Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

              Thanks.

              Comment


              • #52
                Get a solid lock with no little hole in it. If she wants to use the laundry facilities she can text you or go to the laundromat.

                Keep the basement door locked at all times.

                Post a "NO ENTRY" sign on the door.

                Call your lawyer and tell him to get his act together. It seems to me that this is taking way too long.

                Chin up - don't let her push your buttons. Disengage yourself from her 100%.

                Comment


                • #53
                  FB:

                  If you're only planning to lock the door when you need to have a place to go and are worried about the kids locking themselves in...but a latch lock instead.

                  For instance, the kind of sliding bar lock in hotels. If the kids are young..simply put it up high on the door where they can't reach.

                  It is perfectly reasonable and understandable for you to have a private area in the house during an in-home separation.

                  Also, as per your daily calendar or log....you should be logging everything..the key is do to it in a way that is a statement rather than an opinion. ..ie "Wife attempted to come into my room at 8:30pm, I asked her to stop following me...v.s....Wife is trying to follow me around the house to emotionally abuse me and force me into leaving the house." You simply want to state the observation of behavior without the judgement of what it means. Evaluators are trained to look at patterns and determine their own conclusions from what you state.

                  You do the same thing with your parenting issues...ie "I called wife at 3pm to ask her where to pick up the kids, she told me that they would be at PlaceA...I left work to pick them up and they weren't at that location. I finally determined that they were at PlaceB and picked them up there..."

                  As for her calls...when she calls, let her know that you can be reached at any time at X email address. If there are any urgent emergencies, she can text you...but you will no longer verbally speak to her. I can tell you that in over 2 years...I have had ZERO verbal communication with my ex...zero.

                  Make sure you leave nothing in your area in the house that you mind if she takes, reads, or disturbs...including computer equipment...take everything of personal value (as long as its directly yours)..any sensitive documents, etc..out of the house and store them elsewhere. You no longer have any privacy in your home.

                  You really do need to change your patterns here and the only way you can do that is to get really serious about what's going to happen here. She's probably going to get temporarily worse as you get more firm...she's probably going to use the kids to get to you...she may escalate into accusing you of abuse. Be very very careful...document, run your video phone whenever she is close-by...do NOT engage her or talk to her...DO not. Even in the house, she can reach you by email or text.

                  You will not get into any legal trouble for not verbally speaking to her anymore...but you can get into lots if you continue on the road you're going.

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Originally posted by arabian View Post
                    Get a solid lock with no little hole in it. If she wants to use the laundry facilities she can text you or go to the laundromat.

                    Keep the basement door locked at all times.

                    Post a "NO ENTRY" sign on the door.

                    Call your lawyer and tell him to get his act together. It seems to me that this is taking way too long.

                    Chin up - don't let her push your buttons. Disengage yourself from her 100%.

                    Bad advice. She has the right to use the facilities at her convenience, just as he has the right to use the upstairs facilities at his convenience.

                    Simply do not let her engage you in any conflict. Verbalise to her that you will not be entertaining conversation about your issues with her, she is welcome to email you anything important and you will respons once you have discussed it with your lawyer. Reiterate this to her in an email, state your boundaries and enforce them.

                    Put yourself in a position where you cannot be followed around and harassed. Relocate to your own space, find a chair to sit in and stay there. Busy yourself with something and continue with absolute silence until she realizes you will not be engaged. Christ, go into the bathroom if needed, but the longer you do this consistently, the sooner she will realize you're serious.

                    Document everything.

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Call your lawyer and tell him to get his act together. It seems to me that this is taking way too long.
                      You can call the lawyer a million times to nag him but I wouldn't advise it. Lengthy in-home separations are commonplace.

                      Bottom line, this guy just filed...the fruitless attempts at mediation do not matter with regard to this timeline. There's no doubt, if his NFP isn't to the lawyer and/or if she hadn't been served...he can ensure that gets done immediately...but once done, he'll be waiting. It can take months to get a case conference.

                      In the meantime, he should be hunkering down in a secure location in the house, documenting and making decisions about the home..ie buyout vs relocation. He can also try to reach an agreement regarding sale of the house, however, he may have to wait for the CC for that too. He may have to file a motion after the CC to get it decided. He can also work with his lawyer on strategy.

                      Unless you have ex-parte grounds or are a celebrity...you cannot rush this process. It takes time...sometimes a lot of time. You have to prepare yourself for dealing with it until you can move out or move her out. And that takes a lot of preparation, patience and rational thinking.

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Is a room in the basement that a door could be put up? Or is the basement one big unfinished or open concept area?

                        Next time she pulls a stunt like this, harrassing you and invading your space (and moreso trying to remove the phone from your hand - I hope you documented/journelled the ordeal), simply call the cops.

                        They will come over, tell them you've been trying to get away from the ex but she is following you and harrassing you, and tell them you've recorded it.

                        As a note, it is my understanding you don't need her permission to record her. Should she say "I don't consent" again, simply reply with "I don't need your consent" and continue to record.

                        But she is likely trying to get you to react so she can call the cops on you. Stay patient and do everything you can not to be around her.

                        Let her calls go to voicemail. If they are important, call back. If it is jibberish rants, save them. Anything child related (outside of emergencies) should be via email.

                        But don't interact with her. Cook your own meals and meals for the kids. Do your own laundry. Live like she isn't there. If she gets upset, she should learn to control her own emotions, you don't care.

                        Protect yourself and get a room you can put a door on (so you can lock it).

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          I went out and bought a keyed lock. It was only $13.00

                          I plan on leaving it unlocked when I'm not home. I want the kids to feel welcome and unhindered to be in my space. She can use the laundry facilities anytime I'm not down there and if she requests to do so I would most likely let her depending on what's going on. I have provided full disclosure so there are no documents left in the house that she has not seen. Any documents that I don't want her to see are at work (police reports, lawyers stuff, etc.). I'm not looking to argue over household items really nothing of any value that isn't joint.

                          My lawyer is preparing the paperwork. I'm signing it all next Thursday. Not sure how long after that she will be served, but I expect a firestorm after that.

                          NFP and all financial disclosure was provided to her lawyer last Nov. Hers was provided to me in May. Since May negotiations have gone no where so I decided to end this once and for all. I have been told CC will most likely not be until Nov.

                          Clearly I am being too nice. Trying to be decent and it's not really getting me anywhere. Her life is clearly too easy and she is under no pressure to change.

                          The basement door that I would be putting the lock on is at the top of the stairs and the laundry facilities are at the bottom along with the room I am living in. So it is open space. The basement is shaped in a way the I could build a wall between the laundry facility and my room that I could put a door on but that would cost money and most likely devalue the home.

                          I have documented the incident. I have it all on voice recorder. I have called the police on 3 separate occasions all times they basically give me the third degree. The reports all state that we are going through a separation. They basically tell me that in their opinion I am just abusing the system to help my case. During none of those incidents did I have a recording which I now do which would obviously sway their opinion. I am a little hesitant to this as she just lies to the cops.

                          I have remained calm at all times and I think it really drives her nuts. I have given her nothing to call the cops on me. She has tried to get me going many times.

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Clearly I am being too nice. Trying to be decent and it's not really getting me anywhere.
                            Ok...look...you ARE divorcing.

                            This has zero to do with being nice. Your priorities here need to be protecting your children and protecting yourself. That's it...zero exceptions. Forget about her right now. Your only duty to her at this point is to make sure you don't do anything that will damage the relationship that the children have with her and to ensure that you are fair, realistic and reasonable concerning finances and custody during the divorce.

                            Otherwise, this isn't about being kind. This is about not being foolish. The behavior you need to exhibit in a divorce really isn't a gray area..its pretty black and white.

                            Her life is clearly too easy and she is under no pressure to change.
                            This is just a very bizarre statement.

                            You are divorcing. Who cares about how easy or hard her life is. Who cares whether she changes or not.

                            I'm not trying to be rude to you here but your mentality is a little off. The only person who needs to change right now is you. What she does at this point is her problem...not yours.

                            You need to put all your energy and all your focus into you and your children because you need everything you've got for the battle that's coming. Stop being emotional, stop playing games with your ex, stop being focused on what she's doing or how she's living. She shouldn't be mattering to you right now unless you want to go to marriage counselling instead of to a divorce lawyer.

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              There is no law preventing you from putting a lock on the door to the basement. You are likely only prohibited from changing the locks on the house. Protect yourself. According to what you have posted she is clearly unbalanced.

                              It is not your job, happily married or not, to change your spouse. If you went into this relationship with that intention then you are delusional.

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                And as an owner, there's no law stopping her from removing it. Locking off the whole basement, including the laundry room is rather ridiculous. If THAT is acceptable, I assume you think it would be totally fine for him to get up one morning and find himself locked out of the upstairs?

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X