Divorce BECAUSE of pets?

[meowmmy]

Hi everyone,
Let me tell you a bit about my situation. In February of 1997, I met my now husband. I had just turned 20 and he just turned 24. First time relationships for us. By December I was pregnant with my first - planned by both of us. We bought a house together, he worked and I was a SAHM. At age 23, we had our second child, also planned. Throughout these yeras I was left at home with my one daughter (oldest) then both of them as he came and gone as he pleased (drinking, partying until the wee hours). We married in 2002 and even then, he still did what he wanted. I was lonely and looking for "love" and started rescuing persians and himalayans. 3 years ago he finally stopping going out as much, stopped golfing and fishing but continued to play hockey. He always watched tv down stairs and I watched tv upstairs, the odd show we would watch togther and tried for one movie a month together. We did very little together. We did go on trips (the 4 of us always) once or twice a year and our sex life was ok.. Last year his company shut down. He found another job (that he didnt want), then found another that paid better. The guy was an ass so my DH was stressed to the max and quit. He was home for 2 months and found an excellent job in Alberta (AMAZING pay) but was iffy because of the work schedule (I wouldnt move there because of the kids). Another job came up an hour and a half from here so DH turned down the one in Alberta. He starts his new job and finds out that he will be laid off in the new year after training. He calls Alberta back and they say sorry, too late! Keep in mind my DH is a super contributer to RRSP's, stock's etc....He has everything in his name and controlled the finances (I know nothing about paying bills So Nov. 1st he comes home and I have a kitten that I fosted back in August. Well he blows a gasket! This is cat #9. My house is VERY clean, you cant tell that I have 9 cats...they are groomed, seen by a vet regularly, litter boxes are done 3x a day and I dust daily. He goes back to work the next day and calls me 2 days later and askes for a divorce! In one breathe he tells me that he loves me, in another he doesnt and felt that way for a while. I was blind sided. Our sex life was fine, he was very home sick and was all over me when he cam home, he was never distant and we never ever really fought. At first I said that my sister would take the kitten, he said no. He says h cant handle the "bullshit" and that he cant live with 9 cats and feels betrayed. I understand his point now and promised not to get anymore and started to go for counselling.
At this point, I wont give any of them up. Its not a score card but I put up with A LOT of his crap while I was at home. His family is hurt, my fmaily is too and so are me and the kids. We are both great parents and always protected our kids and the weird thing is that he told them about the possible divorce but a definate break up right away. I think he made a rash decision too soon - 3 days after I brought the cat home. Before this we had talked about him getting a transfer and us re-locating within Ontario. Everything was fine. My DR. thinks that he may have depression and asked if there was more to the story because it seems so simple to fix. I contacted a lawyer and she said that shes never had anyone divorce OVER pets. I do believe that the spark is gone but we can get it back. We never do anything without th kids. We went to 2 parties last year and had so much fun. The year before we didnt go out together alone once He says that he cant commit in one breath but in the next, he doesnt know what he wants. I am seeing a counseller but he wont. I strongly suggest marriage counselling but he thinks he will be guilted because of the kids. I think we owe it to our kids to try and if it doesnt work than atleast we tried.
What does everyone think? Please dont suggest that I re-home my cats because I wont, they are my second children and I love them and care for them very well as so my kids. Is there a way to get hime to trust me again and to save my marriage? He says that hes in no rush to see a layer and is giving me whatever I want. Its all so weird and this shocked everyone!

[meowmmy]

Divorce because of pets or possible depression?

Hi everyone,
Let me tell you a bit about my situation. In February of 1997, I met my now husband. I had just turned 20 and he just turned 24. First time relationships for us. By December I was pregnant with my first - planned by both of us. We bought a house together, he worked and I was a SAHM. At age 23, we had our second child, also planned. Throughout these yeras I was left at home with my one daughter (oldest) then both of them as he came and gone as he pleased (drinking, partying until the wee hours). We married in 2002 and even then, he still did what he wanted. I was lonely and looking for "love" and started rescuing persians and himalayans. 3 years ago he finally stopping going out as much, stopped golfing and fishing but continued to play hockey. He always watched tv down stairs and I watched tv upstairs, the odd show we would watch togther and tried for one movie a month together. We did very little together. We did go on trips (the 4 of us always) once or twice a year and our sex life was ok.. Last year his company shut down. He found another job (that he didnt want), then found another that paid better. The guy was an ass so my DH was stressed to the max and quit. He was home for 2 months and found an excellent job in Alberta (AMAZING pay) but was iffy because of the work schedule (I wouldnt move there because of the kids). Another job came up an hour and a half from here so DH turned down the one in Alberta. He starts his new job and finds out that he will be laid off in the new year after training. He calls Alberta back and they say sorry, too late! Keep in mind my DH is a super contributer to RRSP's, stock's etc....He has everything in his name and controlled the finances (I know nothing about paying bills So Nov. 1st he comes home and I have a kitten that I fosted back in August. Well he blows a gasket! This is cat #9. My house is VERY clean, you cant tell that I have 9 cats...they are groomed, seen by a vet regularly, litter boxes are done 3x a day and I dust daily. He goes back to work the next day and calls me 2 days later and askes for a divorce! In one breathe he tells me that he loves me, in another he doesnt and felt that way for a while. I was blind sided. Our sex life was fine, he was very home sick and was all over me when he cam home, he was never distant and we never ever really fought. At first I said that my sister would take the kitten, he said no. He says h cant handle the "bullshit" and that he cant live with 9 cats and feels betrayed. I understand his point now and promised not to get anymore and started to go for counselling.
At this point, I wont give any of them up. Its not a score card but I put up with A LOT of his crap while I was at home. His family is hurt, my fmaily is too and so are me and the kids. We are both great parents and always protected our kids and the weird thing is that he told them about the possible divorce but a definate break up right away. I think he made a rash decision too soon - 3 days after I brought the cat home. Before this we had talked about him getting a transfer and us re-locating within Ontario. Everything was fine. My DR. thinks that he may have depression and asked if there was more to the story because it seems so simple to fix. I contacted a lawyer and she said that shes never had anyone divorce OVER pets. I do believe that the spark is gone but we can get it back. We never do anything without th kids. We went to 2 parties last year and had so much fun. The year before we didnt go out together alone once He says that he cant commit in one breath but in the next, he doesnt know what he wants. I am seeing a counseller but he wont. I strongly suggest marriage counselling but he thinks he will be guilted because of the kids. I think we owe it to our kids to try and if it doesnt work than atleast we tried.
What does everyone think? Please dont suggest that I re-home my cats because I wont, they are my second children and I love them and care for them very well as so my kids. Is there a way to get hime to trust me again and to save my marriage? He says that hes in no rush to see a layer and is giving me whatever I want. Its all so weird and this shocked everyone!

[yearsgone]

Husband or cats?

Your H is depressed because of his job situation. A man's work means a lot to him and if there are problems there, everything is out of line. I think you are depressed too because the two of you have no life. You both need to see a MC and start having date nights to spice things up. Frankly you need to get your priorities straight. If you feel the cats are more important than keeping your family together, then you have serious issues that you need individual counseling for. Your babies need a Dad, not cats.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

Sorry to hear about your situation, and welcome to the forum.
I do not believe this is about the cat or cats.
This is indeed something much deeper.
I went through a 4 year bad patch with my husband, I think he had mid life crisis, and this description doesn't begin to sum it up. I am just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was supportive when he went through troubles with his ex, compounded by the troubles with my ex, all the while thinking that his depression type destructive behaviour was related to his ex and child etc. And I tried to be his crutch, but nothing I did “seemed” to matter. We were and still are very much in love, and let me tell you it was roooouuggghhhhh at times and I cried all the time wondering what I was doing wrong and why couldn't I fix it.
If your guy is going through an emotional/physical crisis, then he has to get the help to get through it, you cannot "love" him better. All my research and doctor visits have taught me this. Using words like “if you love me’” if you love the kids” will only worsen his feeling of guilt and failure and make things worse. I learned you can only be there when he realizes that you love him enough to have stood by him. I have often thought, this is it, no more, I cannot live like this, the kids cannot live like this. But then I’d look at him and see the man I love and I just couldn’t give up.
Men go though an emotional break down in their 40's or so. Generally if a man (or women) have been hard-working, the fruits of their labors-a home and family, material possessions-will probably surround them. Then, before anything dramatic happens, small nagging doubts may appear, perhaps followed by a series of dramatic, apparently irrational events leading up to significant changes. During it all, they ask themselves questions such as: Is this all there is? Am I a failure?
Behaviours can be subtle or severe, including, boredom and exhaustion, or frantic energy, self-questioning, daydreaming, irritability, unexpected anger, alcohol abuse, drug, food, or other compulsions, greatly decreased or increased sexual desire, sexual affairs, especially with someone much younger, greatly decreased or increased ambition.

The list and variations are endless as each is unique, if this is indeed what is happening. Sad to say more then 30% of couples going through this will end in divorce, and they tend to be the nasty bitter divorces you hear and read about because of the high emotional turmoil on both parts.

My advice is to see a doctor and ask what their experiences are with this. A Dr cannot make a diagnosis or offer you info on it without his presence or permission, but a Dr can educate you. If this is the case with him and he agrees to finally see a Dr, he'll understand his feelings are real and there is a way to get past it. Men tend to hid emotion as they are taught through out life to have a “stiff upper lip”, and "boy's don't cry".

Best of luck to you, I hope things change for the sake of the kids, he sounds like a good person, he’s just going through a rough patch and he needs your strength, which you seem to have.

Sorry for the lengthy reply

[meowmmy]

Thank you for the reply. You made a lot of sense. What do I do though if he is pushing me away? We have been having heart to heart talks on teh weekend when he is home. Is is trying to say that I never want to be around his family. This isnt true. In our 12 years together Ive only missed 2 suppers with them. He agreed that he was wrong. He then said that I am no good with money that we are opposites. I told him that Ive never been invited to the bank with him and most times he was half way out the door telling me that was where he was going. We never really sat down and made budgets either. This is something that we NEED to work on. I really want him to get help before he makes such a decision to end our marriage. If we try and it doesnt work out, than atleast we tried! I think we both need a clear conscince if we are going to end our marriage. I am more than willing to change for the better, I know that Im not perfect but, he needs to too and he keep saying that he cant commit. We are having financial issues, hes stressed about his job and I think that he is trying to eliminate the one and only problem that he has control of...me!
This summer he wasnt sleeping and he told me that he was feeling depressed (this was before he found work). My family DR. has some psychology training and I would just like him to speak to him to start. He is who I have been talking to. We would have to travel to see a marriage counsellor and with his work schedule, it will be tough. Jobs are very scarce where I live (town of 2000) and I do need to find one but how can I start a job when every second day Im crying then the next Im so, so angry at him and this situation? My kids are both having a hard time, especially my youngest. None of this is like him at all.

[meowmmy]

I agree...my kids do need their dad. Keep in mind that "Daddy" said not to re-home them and that it wouldnt make a ddifference and that it wasnt just about the cats. Ill be the first to admit that I have depression, anxiety too. I am seeing a DR. because of it. I am the one going for help and trying to get better and change. He isnt. I cant change the past but I am working on today and the future.

[FL_Needs_To_Change]

I feel that he is in an emotional turmoil; as are you.
That's probably why he says one thing then another and things seem to contradict each other.

You cannot force him into counselling for your marriage or himself, and that's the sad part. This emotional whirl wind that he is going through is real; many accept this from a woman, but frown when it comes from a man. Men are supposed to be the holders of the family unit, the strong never faltering ones, and when they are at their wits end and snap, we expect them to just get over it. Men are not vocally emotional animals by nature, and may see any outside help as a personal flaw. You cannot push him, he has to make the choices, and I hope he does try for the sake of the children.

To enter into the realm of divorce in the state of mind and emotional upset that you are both obvciously in will not be pretty.

[yearsgone]

meowmmy, you haven't done anything wrong, at least not bad enough to break a M up over. It is very common for them to blame their wives because they feel guilty. He wants to leave because he is unhappy and probably has been all his life. His depression has made him unable to succeed at work. He's looking for a quick fix and too lazy to work on himself or your M. When they do this they demonize you, saying things like they've never been happy and shouldn't have M you. Again it's the guilt talking. If he hasn't already, he's very vulnerable to cheating now because an OW would say everything he wants to hear. A quick fix.
You need to get him into counseling ASAP.

[dadtotheend]

meowmmy, you haven't done anything wrong, at least not bad enough to break a M up over. It is very common for them to blame their wives because they feel guilty. He wants to leave because he is unhappy and probably has been all his life. His depression has made him unable to succeed at work. He's looking for a quick fix and too lazy to work on himself or your M. When they do this they demonize you, saying things like they've never been happy and shouldn't have M you. Again it's the guilt talking. If he hasn't already, he's very vulnerable to cheating now because an OW would say everything he wants to hear. A quick fix.
You need to get him into counseling ASAP.

Those are very strong words. Who are them and they and their?

I hope you are not bringing a stereotype to this specific case, or inappropriately projecting your experiences onto the situation.

[yearsgone]

When a man leaves a woman (Part 1) - Relationship Matters

By posting to this thread, meowmmy has asked for opinions. I am entitled to post my opinions as much as you are. If you don't agree with mine, that's fine.

[dadtotheend]

When a man leaves a woman (Part 1) - Relationship Matters

By posting to this thread, meowmmy has asked for opinions. I am entitled to post my opinions as much as you are. If you don't agree with mine, that's fine.

We certainly are entitled to our opinions. What's not fine is to make blanket statements to describe the behaviour of men generally.

[About_Time]

Ultimately none of us has any clue what was going on in meowmy's hubby's head or in their marriage. There isn't nearly enough information to form anything other than a vague opinion.

She wants things to work, but if he won't go to marriage counselling - whatever the reason might be - then it's pretty much dead in the water. Talk to a lawyer and prepare for the worst. You can't force someone to get their head screwed on straight.

My gut instinct is that he was looking for an excuse to leave for a while and the cat thing was simply a convenient excuse. If you get him into counselling, concentrate less on the number fo cats in the house and more on why he was so unhappy that a 9th cat pushed him over the edge.