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  • One step forward, two steps back :(

    Just came back from Ontario court and loosing my mind here. Here's the short story...

    My ex-wife has been alienating my daughter against me for the last few years. Last summer was really bad with her denying access and me having to see a lawyer to get involved before she reinstated access. The last year has had it's fair share of ups and downs . Because things were getting difficult again, this past winter/spring I decided to start saving money for my 'lawyer fund' and as incentive, I took a picture of my ex that was on social media and wrote a slogan on it (in poor taste if truth be told) that my daughter found (it was hidden out of sight, but she found it) that she stole and showed it to her mom.

    Well, that was the catalyst for her to deny my access totally and immediately. Haven't seen my daughter since late spring. My lawyer is back on the case and we've sent letters, negotiated reinstating my access with her lawyer, had a court date last month where the judge said she has to follow my access order and still, no access. Well, things took a turn for the worse from that court date with my ex being downright hostile and combative. For example, the day of the court date where the judge said my access order was to be followed, she wouldn't even see me at the door and texted me to get off her property or she'll call the police. It's been more or less the same for the last few weeks with her being very animated and argumentative when I go to pick up my daughter. Today was another court date where we were to argue comtempt of court, get my access back, ask for OCL involvement, start family counselling.

    What happened was she argued my daughter is under tremendous stress when she has to see me and she isn't in comtempt because she is protecting the child. Judge agreed and deferred all until OCL report.

    Of concern is my ex is now going to send my daughter for solo-counselling and judge agreed that is a good idea. I have no input on who she see's nor am I to go see said counsellor to give my version. Basically, I am out of the picture and she is going to further brainwash my daughter against me AND most likely have a counsellor/therapist report to back her up by the time the OCL is involed.

    What is my next step? Any suggestions? What are timeframes for OCL involvement and settlement? How is OCL going to report on my situation when by the time they even get my case, I haven't even seen my daughter for many months and the ex has further brainwashed her and alienated her from me? How can the OCL do a fair assessment if I've been out of the picture for 6 months (or more) and it's been adversarial for many months to this day and time already? My daughter is definitely slipping away from me and I also cannot afford a long drawn out hostile legal battle. Tens of thousands of dollars I do not have.

    Looking for help.

  • #2
    Perhaps read Lovingfather32's posts and you can get an idea of the time it will take you to go through the OCL process. His ex abducted his daughter in the early spring and he only is able to see his daughter for sporadic 3 yr/week supervised visits.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by BessaGuy View Post
      Just came back from Ontario court and loosing my mind here. Here's the short story...

      My ex-wife has been alienating my daughter against me for the last few years. Last summer was really bad with her denying access and me having to see a lawyer to get involved before she reinstated access. The last year has had it's fair share of ups and downs . Because things were getting difficult again, this past winter/spring I decided to start saving money for my 'lawyer fund' and as incentive, I took a picture of my ex that was on social media and wrote a slogan on it (in poor taste if truth be told) that my daughter found (it was hidden out of sight, but she found it) that she stole and showed it to her mom.

      Well, that was the catalyst for her to deny my access totally and immediately. Haven't seen my daughter since late spring. My lawyer is back on the case and we've sent letters, negotiated reinstating my access with her lawyer, had a court date last month where the judge said she has to follow my access order and still, no access. Well, things took a turn for the worse from that court date with my ex being downright hostile and combative. For example, the day of the court date where the judge said my access order was to be followed, she wouldn't even see me at the door and texted me to get off her property or she'll call the police. It's been more or less the same for the last few weeks with her being very animated and argumentative when I go to pick up my daughter. Today was another court date where we were to argue comtempt of court, get my access back, ask for OCL involvement, start family counselling.

      What happened was she argued my daughter is under tremendous stress when she has to see me and she isn't in comtempt because she is protecting the child. Judge agreed and deferred all until OCL report.

      Of concern is my ex is now going to send my daughter for solo-counselling and judge agreed that is a good idea. I have no input on who she see's nor am I to go see said counsellor to give my version. Basically, I am out of the picture and she is going to further brainwash my daughter against me AND most likely have a counsellor/therapist report to back her up by the time the OCL is involed.

      What is my next step? Any suggestions? What are timeframes for OCL involvement and settlement? How is OCL going to report on my situation when by the time they even get my case, I haven't even seen my daughter for many months and the ex has further brainwashed her and alienated her from me? How can the OCL do a fair assessment if I've been out of the picture for 6 months (or more) and it's been adversarial for many months to this day and time already? My daughter is definitely slipping away from me and I also cannot afford a long drawn out hostile legal battle. Tens of thousands of dollars I do not have.

      Looking for help.
      uggh. So you think its just the mothers fault?? When you do something like take a picture of her mother and write something (that I take wasn't nice) on it that isn't alienating your daughter yourself?? I don't care if it was hidden, you should have never done it because there was a chance your daughter would find it.

      Your daughters counselling isn't a place for you to tell your side. Its for helping her deal with two parents who cannot get along.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by BessaGuy View Post
        Just came back from Ontario court and loosing my mind here. Here's the short story...

        My ex-wife has been alienating my daughter against me for the last few years. Last summer was really bad with her denying access and me having to see a lawyer to get involved before she reinstated access. The last year has had it's fair share of ups and downs . Because things were getting difficult again, this past winter/spring I decided to start saving money for my 'lawyer fund' and as incentive, I took a picture of my ex that was on social media and wrote a slogan on it (in poor taste if truth be told) that my daughter found (it was hidden out of sight, but she found it) that she stole and showed it to her mom.

        Well, that was the catalyst for her to deny my access totally and immediately. Haven't seen my daughter since late spring. My lawyer is back on the case and we've sent letters, negotiated reinstating my access with her lawyer, had a court date last month where the judge said she has to follow my access order and still, no access. Well, things took a turn for the worse from that court date with my ex being downright hostile and combative. For example, the day of the court date where the judge said my access order was to be followed, she wouldn't even see me at the door and texted me to get off her property or she'll call the police. It's been more or less the same for the last few weeks with her being very animated and argumentative when I go to pick up my daughter. Today was another court date where we were to argue comtempt of court, get my access back, ask for OCL involvement, start family counselling.

        What happened was she argued my daughter is under tremendous stress when she has to see me and she isn't in comtempt because she is protecting the child. Judge agreed and deferred all until OCL report.

        Of concern is my ex is now going to send my daughter for solo-counselling and judge agreed that is a good idea. I have no input on who she see's nor am I to go see said counsellor to give my version. Basically, I am out of the picture and she is going to further brainwash my daughter against me AND most likely have a counsellor/therapist report to back her up by the time the OCL is involed.

        What is my next step? Any suggestions? What are timeframes for OCL involvement and settlement? How is OCL going to report on my situation when by the time they even get my case, I haven't even seen my daughter for many months and the ex has further brainwashed her and alienated her from me? How can the OCL do a fair assessment if I've been out of the picture for 6 months (or more) and it's been adversarial for many months to this day and time already? My daughter is definitely slipping away from me and I also cannot afford a long drawn out hostile legal battle. Tens of thousands of dollars I do not have.

        Looking for help.
        I have a feeling my ex is doing the same thing. Except D3 seems stressed at the end of the visit because she can not stay longer. I have a feeling the next step is she call CAS to trump a motion I have set in Sept. I wont delve too much in to my case. This one's about you.

        Originally posted by BessaGuy View Post
        I took a picture of my ex that was on social media and wrote a slogan on it (in poor taste if truth be told) that my daughter found (it was hidden out of sight, but she found it) that she stole and showed it to her mom..
        Yikes. Bad move compadre. I don't know what the slogan said. If it was incentive then just keep it in your wallet, take it out and smile whenever you're pissed. By god don't do the social media thing. That's a tough one. Try and be very apologetic .. admit you screwed up large and will never do it again and hope for the best. The checkmate for her was your daughter found it.
        Now, it's of my opinion that it should NOT determine access. She shouldn't just be allowed to shut down access as she sees fit.

        OCL timeframes depend on their availability. Id guess 1-2 months, perhaps 3. The investigation itself is usually 90 days (deadline). But police CPICS usually take 3 months to get. So rough estimate 4 months to complete plus 1-2 months to get appointed Id say. Maybe more. Every situations different. So 5-6 months total? Let's say 7 months for the whole process, disclosure meeting, report filed and all.

        I feel for you my man. Chin up. No more taunting on social media. Lesson learned Im sure.
        Last edited by LovingFather32; 08-13-2014, 06:06 PM.

        Comment


        • #5
          I find this as a common example of someone who hates their ex more than they love their children. No matter what was going on or what you were saving for you screwed up huge and upset your daughter, you are just as much at fault.

          Moving forward you need to admit your screw up and maybe try apologizing to your ex and not just blaming her for not seeing your daughter.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
            uggh. So you think its just the mothers fault?? When you do something like take a picture of her mother and write something (that I take wasn't nice) on it that isn't alienating your daughter yourself?? I don't care if it was hidden, you should have never done it because there was a chance your daughter would find it.

            Your daughters counselling isn't a place for you to tell your side. Its for helping her deal with two parents who cannot get along.
            Yep, this part of your story got my red flags going as well. I understand how the divorce process can wreak havoc with our brains ... but that was a very immature thing to do (high-school stuff).

            My STBX complains constantly that our son wants nothing to do with him. He blames me - truth is I'm not happy about this situation and would prefer that father and son would get along. Sadly, he did it all by himself like a big boy.

            Comment


            • #7
              Some of the tones of the comments remind me of how our society used to handle domestic assault.

              "Oh, your husband hit you last night? Tsk, tsk. What do you do to set him of? Maybe, next time, you should be careful about what you say."

              I am hoping that we can all agree that regardless of the stupidity of the picture, that this woman's denial of access before and after is 100% not okay, and in no way an acceptable response.

              Comment


              • #8
                How well was this picture hidden that it was found so easily?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Whether the picture was left in an easy to find place on purpose or not, I fail to see how it justifies the previous and ongoing denials of access.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                    Some of the tones of the comments remind me of how our society used to handle domestic assault.

                    "Oh, your husband hit you last night? Tsk, tsk. What do you do to set him of? Maybe, next time, you should be careful about what you say."

                    I am hoping that we can all agree that regardless of the stupidity of the picture, that this woman's denial of access before and after is 100% not okay, and in no way an acceptable response.
                    I think that's a fair assumption.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                      Some of the tones of the comments remind me of how our society used to handle domestic assault.

                      "Oh, your husband hit you last night? Tsk, tsk. What do you do to set him of? Maybe, next time, you should be careful about what you say."

                      I am hoping that we can all agree that regardless of the stupidity of the picture, that this woman's denial of access before and after is 100% not okay, and in no way an acceptable response.
                      Agreed. Access/custody should always be 50-50, in fact it should be the LAW applied to every case unless there is clear evidence of abuse.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        What happened was she argued my daughter is under tremendous stress when she has to see me and she isn't in comtempt because she is protecting the child. Judge agreed and deferred all until OCL report.
                        How old is your daughter?

                        Sounds like your daughter has taken offence with your behaviour and it is problematic for her. She feels threatened from the sounds of it. I get that. I wouldn't want to go sit at my girlfriend's house if she was going to trash talk my spouse and yet her father did that to her mother.

                        Now with the above said - I don't know what the slogan said... that might shed more light to the scale of probabilities of why your daughter is behaving this way. But my gut tells me - this is a daughter excercising some independent thinking and *she* has decided that she is not ready to see you right now. The counseling is a good plan.

                        It's terrible that the separation/divorce got the best of you in this instance and you got caught and it has affected your relationship this way. God knows, we all have had days where we feel impulsive and want to do or say something we shouldn't. The fact is, you got caught. And you got caught by your daughter.

                        Honestly, I'm not sure how you get yourself out of this at this point. But I don't think that trying to pursue contempt with the mother is going to benefit you as far as re-establishing your relationship. You really have no face time with your daughter right now because of your actions and her discovery.

                        If I were in your shoes, I'd be tempted to put my tail in between my legs and humbly admit I was an @sshole and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to foster a healthy relationship with the child. If you take nothing else away from my post please take this: your daughter didn't like your feelings/thoughts about her mother. She disliked it so much she doesn't want to see you anymore. And you taking mom to court as opposed to trying to foster a healthy relationship between daughter and you, and mom and you, isn't going to benefit you.

                        I'd be standing on my head spitting wooden nickels. Your daughter has the right to counseling. And as others have said, it is not your place to tell your side of the story. You need to own up and go through your own counseling to manage your emotions so you don't alienate your daughter again if she gives you another chance.

                        I'm not trying to be hard on you. But your situation is less than ideal. I suspect you have a long road ahead of you. But do know that many broken relationships have been mended. The first step is to come clean and admit your fault, then wait to be forgiven. Best of luck.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                          I think that's a fair assumption.
                          Yep. Wrong move with the picture. Doesnt mean you are cut off totally from your kid.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It was a mistake to be sure. I'm assuming that if daughter is old enough to be checking out social media, she's probably old enough to make up her own mind. Had it been Mom who found this picture and show'd it to your daughter - then I would agree with the alienation problem.

                            I agree with above posters, keep a low profile for now and let some water run under the bridge - try again once the novelty/insult of this issue has worn off.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
                              Yep. Wrong move with the picture. Doesnt mean you are cut off totally from your kid.
                              by the picture he reinforced what the mom has been saying or whatever about him.

                              Maybe daughter doesn't want to see him for a bit so that has to be taken into consideration also.

                              Maybe a picture of his daughter with a loving slogan may have been a better "incentive" then then picture of ex with a not so loving comment?

                              Comment

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