Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Access and a hostile ex

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #46
    Let me see if I have this straight:

    The mom once called the cops after the dad picked up the kids, claiming he had abducted them. Luckily, he had the agreement that proved it was his weekend, but it was traumatic for the kids.

    The mom sometimes calls the dad to come get the kids on her access time.

    The dad wants the extra time, but is afraid to do so for fear of having the cops called on him again, or having it used against him in some other fashion.

    The dad decides that he'll only take the kids on mom's access time if she makes the request in email so he has it writing for proof later that he has not abducted them.

    She calls up the paternal grandparents instead.

    The grandparents happily come take the kids.

    The dad is concerned that this can still blow up on him and the ex can use it against him or the grandparents somehow.

    Instead of criticizing the wording or belittling the dad for letting his fears prevent him from seeing the children, can we offer some advice for minimizing the potential havoc the mom could wreak on him when he takes the kids?

    I like the suggestion of sending a confirmation email, but the mom could still not answer it and say that he made it up and she never asked him to take the kids. What could protect him from false allegations later? He could record the pickups on a digital recorder, right? He could make sure to say something like "I'll take them for the evening and send them to school tomorrow? Does that work for you?" Then he'd have her on record being okay with him taking them.

    Comment


    • #47
      Originally posted by Rioe View Post
      Let me see if I have this straight:

      The mom once called the cops after the dad picked up the kids, claiming he had abducted them. Luckily, he had the agreement that proved it was his weekend, but it was traumatic for the kids.

      The mom sometimes calls the dad to come get the kids on her access time.

      The dad wants the extra time, but is afraid to do so for fear of having the cops called on him again, or having it used against him in some other fashion.

      The dad decides that he'll only take the kids on mom's access time if she makes the request in email so he has it writing for proof later that he has not abducted them.

      She calls up the paternal grandparents instead.

      The grandparents happily come take the kids.

      The dad is concerned that this can still blow up on him and the ex can use it against him or the grandparents somehow.

      Instead of criticizing the wording or belittling the dad for letting his fears prevent him from seeing the children, can we offer some advice for minimizing the potential havoc the mom could wreak on him when he takes the kids?

      I like the suggestion of sending a confirmation email, but the mom could still not answer it and say that he made it up and she never asked him to take the kids. What could protect him from false allegations later? He could record the pickups on a digital recorder, right? He could make sure to say something like "I'll take them for the evening and send them to school tomorrow? Does that work for you?" Then he'd have her on record being okay with him taking them.
      That's a great suggestion. The recorder is a good idea. We are a tight knit loving family. I'm sure we'll come up with some good ideas at some point. I don't feel it is my place to get involved so all I can really do is just be a shoulder for my partner.

      One of the biggest problems here on this forum is scrutinizing a poster's conundrum. People make assumptions and the threads get messy with unnecessary comments. It is human nature to get defensive when your credibility is questioned. Anyhow I'm sure many like myself do not crave any validation. I posted to get a fresh set of eyes on my conundrum. I thought it would enable me to look at my situation in a different way.

      Like I said we will continue to go the email route. We have too much to risk and lose if we don't. If that means we will miss out on a few hours here and there with the kids then so be it. We are finished dealing with the police, cas, ocl, lawyers, and judges. We have moved forward with our lives and rebuilding. We also owe it to our children to protect them from any more psychological harm from these incidents.

      Comment


      • #48
        One other angle to consider.

        As tough as it is to accept, many in-laws don't automatically become out-laws in divorce country.

        Your partners ex can and should be able to maintain her own relationship with his parents, regardless of his wishes.

        My ex's family and I are still close. She dislikes that. They have told her "tough"...

        Can't control everything.
        I think this is fine sometimes.

        But one of the problems is when the ex-spouse uses these connections to invade the other spouse's privacy about things that are not related to the children.

        Often times, ex's have a hard time letting go and so will form unnatural connections with the ex-spouses relations to try to have any connection with the old relationship.

        I think if the relationship is about the kids...its fine. If either party is asking or sharing personal information about the other ex-spouse...its inappropriate.

        Ex-spouses have a right to be able to move on with their lives and have some distance and privacy from each other. I have zero interest in having any relationship with my ex's family....its his family, not mine...and I was married for a long time. I just think its invasive and weird and I have no interest in sharing any type of connection with my ex aside from our children. Unless he dies, which may be relevant, I really have no interest in knowing anything else about him. He has a right to his own private life and his own family.

        In Freedom's case, if the grandparents are only going there for the kids and not engaging in gossip or drama over the past marital relationship or their new relationships...there's no issue. I can certainly understand her new partner being wary and suspicious though. The ex is obviously trying hard to get under their skin.

        Personally, I would instantly cut-off a relationship with any of my family members who maintained a relationship with my ex that invaded my private life. Family = loyalty to me.

        Despite the fact that there's nothing you can do about this stuff and need to learn to disengage. Its certainly understandable that its bothersome because it can cause extreme havoc in relationships between family members.
        Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 11-16-2014, 01:22 PM.

        Comment


        • #49
          You hit the nail on the head PH.

          In our situation the kids are school aged and transfer alot of information randomly. The ex grills her own kids about how big my house is, what kind of car I drive, where we go out to eat, and I'm certain a whole lot more. Even the kids are anxious at drop off time because they know they'll be asked for detailed report of their weekend upon return.

          Grandparents have told us that the time spent at her house is awkward at best. She crys and displays fits of anger. She tells them that their son abandoned her and ruined her life. Has accused me of stealing her man. Even went so far as to say that I had sex with her man in the matrimonial home. Talk about unnatural connections....

          Funny thing is we met at a post divorce parenting class. We clicked from day one. We are both professionally employed in the public sector and became a support to each other. Grandparents even joke about us because they say we did everything backwards...lol.

          Comment


          • #50
            Originally posted by Rioe View Post
            I like the suggestion of sending a confirmation email, but the mom could still not answer it and say that he made it up and she never asked him to take the kids. What could protect him from false allegations later? He could record the pickups on a digital recorder, right? He could make sure to say something like "I'll take them for the evening and send them to school tomorrow? Does that work for you?" Then he'd have her on record being okay with him taking them.
            It is impossible to protect oneself from all angles. All one can do is act reasonable. Sending a confirmation email is a reasonable response. Recording may also be reasonable, but it is more impractical if anything.

            Also, if the ex should call the police on OP's partner, all OP partner has to do is say "we discussed this, and I even sent a confirming email. If she really wanted the kids back on her time, all she had to do is ask." Then he arranges for the kids to be brought back. He looks reasonable, she looks unreasonable. He then sends an email advising her that if she wanted the kids returned at a time other than what was discussed, she should have advised him of such and he would've accommodated her. That calling the police was unreasonable and not in the kids best interests.

            But anyway, the ex is going to continue to act like a nutjob. Not much one can do about. But the OP's partner shouldn't cut off his foot to spite his toe. There a big difference between prudent actions and unnecessarily difficult. And IMO, being unreasonably difficult (both parties it seems) is the cause of this problem.

            Comment


            • #51
              Sometimes you gotta cut off the foot because the infection from the one toe spread to the other toes.

              The ex created this atmosphere.

              Not exactly even sure what she needs help with anyway. Both kids are school aged and fairly independant.

              Sorry but I think my partner is smart and not difficult. Keeping your kids safe is smart. Calling the police for nothing is difficult. How many "difficult" fathers do you know sign over their half of the home to their ex so the kids wouldn't get uprooted? Most divorcing people are focused on their "half". He's a great dad and I respect him for it.

              How hard is it to type out a two minute email anyway? I would hammer out an email if I needed help. Even more so..... if the judge ordered me.

              Comment


              • #52
                Originally posted by wantmyfreedom View Post
                Sometimes you gotta cut off the foot because the infection from the one toe spread to the other toes.
                I don't agree, but it is clear that we aren't going to agree.

                The ex created this atmosphere.
                Fault is irrelevant. Especially when it comes to the kids.

                Not exactly even sure what she needs help with anyway. Both kids are school aged and fairly independant.
                Who knows. Crazies gotta crazy?

                Sorry but I think my partner is smart and not difficult. Keeping your kids safe is smart. Calling the police for nothing is difficult.
                He is likely very smart, and so are you. But sometimes, when emotions get to involved, we fail to see the big picture. And that is what I see as happening here.

                How hard is it to type out a two minute email anyway? I would hammer out an email if I needed help. Even more so..... if the judge ordered me.
                I agree that it isn't hard and in itself isn't an unreasonable request. But there is the flipside to that coin as well. How hard would it be for your partner to do just the same? He asks it of her, but can't take the initiative himself? If it meant getting a bit of extra with my kids and covering my butt in the process, I'd do it.

                Also, you send the judge "recommended" using email due to hostilities. Was it recommended, or ordered? If it was ordered, the order would specify all communication to be sent by email. It makes a difference.

                Comment


                • #53
                  I don't think she's crazy at all. She's manipulative and craves drama. Crazy people cannot control themselves. She has the good sense to maintain employment and care for her children. Grandparents think that she is unfit but I think that's unfair to her. We all have different parenting standards. Some of us are more liberal than others.

                  The communication through MFW was ordered and e-mail as an alternate for the best interests of the childen. She refused to use the software because she didn't like it. My partner even suggested text msg'ing but she refuses to purchase and maintain a cell phone. She wants to phone and have verbal contact.

                  That isn't happening until bunnies fart rainbows.

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    We deal with this type of person on a shared custody basis as well. You need to remember it is about the children, if she thinks she is controlling the situation my forcing verbal contact than let her think that. Don't feed into the bs and keep it short and simple.

                    If you can't bite your tongue and realize that you are not doing what your doing for her sake or because SHE says so, your doing it for the kids. You have a looooong miserable road in front of you.

                    An order is really just an expensive piece of paper to ex's like her.... they mean nothing and are only followed when it benefits them. All you can do is keep going back to court with each breach of the order to show a pattern and hope that something comes of it. BUT if your not willing to spend $$ or time on going through the process it probably isn't that big of a deal!

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Sorry to hear that you have a high conflict ex too. The way I see it life is short and the best way to behave in a situation like this is to remain diplomatic. We choose not to entertain any of her bullshit. We just wont.... even if we miss out on a few hours with the kids. I know not all of you agree but it is what it is. Too much has happened....DON'T want more.

                      The grandparents are already complaning about driving out to her place so this is a short term arrangement. Eventually she will have to comply with the court order is she needs any help from us. She knows what to do.

                      BF already has a generous access schedule which is almost 50/50 so no worries here. Like I said these are my BF's problems and not mine. I figure if I can keep my ex in check then he has his homework to do. I certainly will not make his problems my own. Life is too short.

                      In the bigger picture you guys are right. The kiddos come first and that is why we will always be here help out.

                      Itsworthit, thanks for responding to my post and you're right about keeping it short and simple.

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        I have to say that I agree with playing it safe and requiring that the scheming ex confirm things by email.

                        I have a mostly okay working relationship with my ex, but there was one week that we couldn't agree on anything, and there were many things that needed to be settled and discussed (daycare, activities, adjustment to child support, etc.) We had been communicating via a spattering of texts, facebook messages, emails, and phone conversations. We had one phone conversation where she called me at work, yelled at me for not agreeing with her, and then I messaged her telling her that I couldn't talk about this stuff on the phone with her because of the way she was acting. I then responded to all of her concerns with a series of text messages. She then responded back, indicating that she found my messages to be too numerous and overwhelming, and that she considered them harassment. She insisted on emails going forward.

                        I took her claim very seriously. Not in the sense that I agreed with her assertion of harassment (I don't use negative language and I only communicate about the kids), but in that I knew I was being accused of something serious, and I wasn't interested in giving her that leverage. I could also tell that her message accusing me of harassment was written by her high-conflict, triple baby-momma boyfriend (I know her writing style very well), so I decided to give her what she wanted.

                        Everything, moving forward, got communicated by email. Within a week, she was calling and texting, because she didn't like having to type and/or respond to an email for everything. I responded to everything by email. She tried to change her mind, but I told her that until she retracted her accusation, I would be declining to give her any more excuses to slander me, and would only be using email. I basically gave her what she demanded, and refused to let her change her mind. That was almost a year ago. To this day, she refuses to retract her accusation, and I still ensure that 90% of our communication is by email. (last minute logistical changes to pick up and drop offs still need the odd text or phone call) Even today, it is her week with the kids, but she needs me to take our daughter to her Brownies tonight. She requested by email, and I replied, agreeing to help her, and she replied back.

                        The crazy thing is that I know my example is pretty tame compared to this thread, and many other threads, but it is basically runs off the same concept of putting the kids first without putting oneself at risk. The bottom line is that as long as your partner is concerned that his ex is going to try and screw him over, he has every right to stick with emails and require that she confirm things in that medium.

                        Comment

                        Our Divorce Forums
                        Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                        Working...
                        X