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  • Question Regarding Primary Care

    On the court documents I was served by my soon to be ex-husband, he claimed that he was (since separation) the primary care giver for my 11 year old daughter.

    This is a complete fabrication. I have always been the primary caregiver for my daughter. In addition, he isn't even the secondary caregiver since he leaves the house at 6am for work and doesn't return until 6pm. My family has always managed secondary care of our daughter. The only day that he is supposed to watch her for the entire day...which is Saturday...he sometimes drops her off at my mother's home for care. He also takes business trips and comes home late without even informing me that he is going to be out or home late.

    My first case conference is coming up in June and I'm curious to how this might play out in court. He has zero witnesses and in fact, my family plans to support me in any future testimony.

    Does anyone have any experience with this that can provide feedback on how this might go or any actions I should take?

    Thank you very much!

  • #2
    Get your family/friends to start working on lots of very specific examples proving you were primary caregiver. You want to submit a few affidavits from people with different viewpoints all see you as primary caregiver, with specific examples to back up their statements. Specifically, if you can prove that he has made some false claims, definitely include that too.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you for the reply. He's petitioned for sole custody of our daughter.

      And since he isn't even physically present...it would be difficult for him to even suggest such nonsense. He leaves home at 6am...arrives back at 6pm and goes to bed around 8-9pm because he gets up early in the morning. My daughter has to go to school from around 9-4pm. He has no secondary support from his family to even provide care and doesn't call or help with our daughter in any way on a monday to friday schedule. I cook her meals, clean the house, and manage her day-to-day schedule..always have. My working hours are set up to correspond with her school hours and its always been my family who help me...his family has never helped with child care.

      On the weekends, I'm generally out of the house on Saturday and he generally watches her on that day. Although that's only post-separation. She used to spend Saturdays with her cousins and grandmother. However, he makes a point to not let her go there now on that day.

      I have been keeping a short list of times when he goes out of town or comes home late without bothering to even contact me. Aside from a weekly note to let him know that I won't be home on Saturday (not because i need his help..its just an obligatory note), I don't contact him for any help with her care since I've always managed on my own.

      Being as he has zero witnesses and his very own work schedule conflicts with his statement...I'm just very curious as to what the court will think of this lie. Its one of several lies on the claims he made against me including fabrications on his financial statement.

      If he lies once...especially this blatantly does it set up a immediate problem for him in court? I really cannot imagine how he thinks he's going to get away with this one.

      Comment


      • #4
        Primary caregiver should be used to refer to a stay-at-home parent. If you don't work, then refer to yourself this way.

        Since separation, where does the child reside? If it were me, I would not get into a huge argument about primary caregiver designation if the child were spending roughly equal time with each parent.

        The child goes to school during the day so you don't spend all that much more time with her. Arguing over a few hours after school just makes both of you look petty.

        Get a calendar, sit down and write up the schedule since separation, show what is a typical week and list any exceptions, like if she stayed with other parent one week on a holiday. Total up the overnights with each parent each week and figure the percentage. Be fair, don't get into an argument about after school time, the judge won't listen.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
          I really cannot imagine how he thinks he's going to get away with this one.

          Unfortunately that was my assumption when I read my ex Application... and I still asking my self this question almost 1.5 later...

          So I would be very careful with that assumption. My understanding is that probably will make sense only on trial. (that my also biggest hope)

          Comment


          • #6
            We are separated and unfortunately still residing in the same home since he won't let me put it up for sale.

            I don't stay at home. I work basically the exact same hours she's in school so I can get her to school and be home when she gets off the bus. When she gets home, I make dinner, clean up, start her homework, etc. If I need help with her care, I call my family for assistance. I never call him. He basically assumes no responsibility to ensure that she's managed before or after school.

            Thank you for the clarification on primary caregiver, however, its what he stated in his claims in order to gain full custody of our daughter. Although I was initially ok with a shared custody arrangement with me as the primary residence parent..he's been acting very erratically since I filed and i'm wondering about his ability to manage our daughter going forward. He's very bitter and vindictive. I intend to fight as hard as possible for her to spend the maximum amount of time with me.

            However, since he's the one who made the original accusation of primary caregiver...I'm assuming that the majority of the burden of proof is on him. Again, he has no family in the country and no one to support his claims.

            My primary question is just how do judges handle a blatant lie like this?

            Comment


            • #7
              I guess I was assuming that the burden of proof would be on him since he's making the claim that he's taking care of her full-time. Maybe you're right and that's a bad assumption.

              I just have a hard time believing he has a chance at sole custody.

              Comment


              • #8
                By the way...the schedule is pretty regular. I have her Monday through Friday...and almost all day Sunday.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I believe there are some things you can gather together to prove that you were primary caregiver as you don't want to assume anything and you want to disprove that him having sole custody is a bad idea. I think rather than assume in family law, you do your best assuming the worst. Documents that you could gather to support your claim of primary caregiver are possibly letter from school or daycare that you are always the person to drop off/pick up child, copies of all report cards showing that you've always signed them, doctors note that you are always the parent which brings the child for check-ups and any illnesses, possibly your families admission that you were primariy caregiver. Just a few thoughts and I can't say I've done this myself but have heard these ideas tossed around!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mess4
                    Primary caregiver should be used to refer to a stay-at-home parent. If you don't work, then refer to yourself this way.
                    IMO this is false. The Primary caregiver is the person who takes primary responsibility for someone who cannot care fully for themselves; you do not have to be a stay-at-home parent to be a primary caregiver.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      That's basically what i was told. My lawyer defined primary care as the parent who does the majority of pick ups/drop offs, cooks meals, cleans, takes care of kids when sick, takes them to doctor/dentist, arranges their secondary care, arranges their schedule, etc..

                      That has always been me. In fact, when I need help, i don't even call him....I call my family.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        The primary caregiver is a title given by your lawyer when you are seeking full custody.

                        It's not a term found in the Family Law Act but it's a lovely sounding thing to pad your court application with.

                        If you picked the child up from school more often, well of course you were primary care giver and should have full custody. How could anyone dispute that?

                        Frankly I think it's complete bullshit. If you are a stay at home parent up until the child start school, it means something. Otherwise it means bullshit. It is a title you give yourself to justify a long drawn out fight over the children.

                        If the best interests of the children are to have sole custody with one parent, you need to do more than write "Primary Caregiver" across your forehead. Detail the reasons why and let judge decide based on reasons.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Again...it was his claim, not mine. And the fact is that I have my child over 85% of the time during the week. Its not just the time that I have her but also the fact that I manage her day-to-day care. As you have advised, however, I will collect the data to show in court and leave it up to the court to decide. I'm simply defending myself against false accusations he made regarding her care.

                          One more question regarding relocation. The main reason that I believe he's seeking sole custody is so that he can move my daughter out of the country to the States which is where he's from. We applied for her to have dual citizenship, however, she has lived in Canada her whole life and her close family is here. In the worst case scenario of him gaining primary caregiver status, what actions can I take during this process to ensure he can't move her out of the country prior to her being of age without my permission?

                          I don't anticipate him gaining primary caregiver status but I want to protect my daughter in any way I can just in case.

                          Any help?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Mess View Post
                            The primary caregiver is a title given by your lawyer when you are seeking full custody.

                            It's not a term found in the Family Law Act but it's a lovely sounding thing to pad your court application with.

                            If you picked the child up from school more often, well of course you were primary care giver and should have full custody. How could anyone dispute that?

                            Frankly I think it's complete bullshit. If you are a stay at home parent up until the child start school, it means something. Otherwise it means bullshit. It is a title you give yourself to justify a long drawn out fight over the children.

                            If the best interests of the children are to have sole custody with one parent, you need to do more than write "Primary Caregiver" across your forehead. Detail the reasons why and let judge decide based on reasons.
                            Perhaps that's why I see it differently - I stayed at home with the kids until #4 was in school before re-entering the workforce, so that was 11ish years - just over 1 year later, I was a single parent, so perhaps that fit my situation.

                            But honestly, there are situations where one parent does little to nothing physically, emotionally, mentally etc etc for their own children - what would you call the parent that does it all (but is not a stay at home parent)? There must be some 'term' applied to that? If it's not Primary Caregiver, then what is it?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Yes Kim...thank you and I agree with you.

                              The fact of the matter is is that sometimes there is one parent who performs the majority of the day-to-day care...even while working. As previously stated, I was not initially seeking sole custody and didn't throw the "primary caregiver" label into the mix. I thought it only applied after the court had determined who the child would be with as the primary resident parent.

                              The truth is that a lot of parenting between couples is not equal. One person is often largely responsible for most of the day-to-day care..and that is where I think the primary caregiver label applies. And I think that it does bear examining in court. If one parent has been performing that function well for most of the child's life...why wouldn't it apply?

                              Comment

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