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I have a co-worker who brought to my attention a very unique case with her friend.
Father has been exercising supervised access to his son (now 8yrs old) since the child was a few months old. The CAS got involved because of his and mother's drug problem and temporarily placed the child with the father's aunt (the child's great-aunt).
Two years later, when the parents did not do what they were supposed to in order to have the child returned to them, the CAS approached the aunt and said it would withdraw its protection application if the aunt obtained a permanent custody order. She agreed and obtained the custody order with supervised access to the parents.
The unique thing here is that, for some reason, this 8 yr old child has never been told that this man, who has been exercising access to him regularly since he was a baby, is his birth father. The child calls the aunt and her husband mommy and daddy and believes the aunt's bio children are her brother and sister. The bio mother, although not together with the father anymore, has also exercised regular supervised access. The child calls the bio parents mommy-"first name" and daddy-"first name" but has never been told that they are actually her blood parents.
Now the parents have cleaned up their act and are pursuing unsupervised access. The child also one day recently finally came out and asked the bio dad why he calls him daddy (preceeded by his first name) and same for the bio mom. Bio dad did not answer the boy, but instead went to the aunt and told her about it and said it's time to tell him. The aunt freaked out and denied him any further access until he signs an agreement that he will not reveal to the child who his bio parents are and how he came to be in the custody of the aunt. The aunt also told him that he will never have unsupervised access. It appears the bio dad and his aunt's relationship was very good until the moment he suggested that the child know who he really is to the child, and until he asked her for unsupervised access. I'm told he is at a loss as to why his aunt would do this.
The bio father got a lawyer and signed the agreement but added that he would be filing a motion to vary his access and, as part of that motion, will be asking the court to decide whether the child should be told about his parentage.
Truly unique, at least I've never heard of anything like this. I can't find anything like this, factually, on CanLii.
What are your thoughts? Do you think a court should or would ever "order" that a child should continue to be lied to and withheld from such critical, self-identifying information to which this, and every, child has a right? I am also told the child is the spitting image of the bio father and looks nothing like the aunt's family. Bio parents are White and aunt is married to an Asian man. Their bio children, whom the child thinks is his blood brother and sister, clearly have Asian features.
Based on the version of the facts as given to me, I personally think that it's wrong to keep this information from a child who is obviously figuring things out and asking. If I was raised to call someone other than my parents a name that includes "mommy" and "daddy" in it, I too would be highly curious as to why that is. It was the aunt who taught the child to call his bio parents mommy-"first name" and daddy-"first name", why now is he so freaked out about telling him the truth? I understand this won't be easy by any stretch if the imagination, but it still must be done. It doesn't sound to me like the bio parents are ever going to leave this child's life, so I think the child has to know. In fact, I wonder why this wasn't done a long time ago. The kid is 8 yrs old now and this will only be more devastating the older he gets....Do you agree?
Father has been exercising supervised access to his son (now 8yrs old) since the child was a few months old. The CAS got involved because of his and mother's drug problem and temporarily placed the child with the father's aunt (the child's great-aunt).
Two years later, when the parents did not do what they were supposed to in order to have the child returned to them, the CAS approached the aunt and said it would withdraw its protection application if the aunt obtained a permanent custody order. She agreed and obtained the custody order with supervised access to the parents.
The unique thing here is that, for some reason, this 8 yr old child has never been told that this man, who has been exercising access to him regularly since he was a baby, is his birth father. The child calls the aunt and her husband mommy and daddy and believes the aunt's bio children are her brother and sister. The bio mother, although not together with the father anymore, has also exercised regular supervised access. The child calls the bio parents mommy-"first name" and daddy-"first name" but has never been told that they are actually her blood parents.
Now the parents have cleaned up their act and are pursuing unsupervised access. The child also one day recently finally came out and asked the bio dad why he calls him daddy (preceeded by his first name) and same for the bio mom. Bio dad did not answer the boy, but instead went to the aunt and told her about it and said it's time to tell him. The aunt freaked out and denied him any further access until he signs an agreement that he will not reveal to the child who his bio parents are and how he came to be in the custody of the aunt. The aunt also told him that he will never have unsupervised access. It appears the bio dad and his aunt's relationship was very good until the moment he suggested that the child know who he really is to the child, and until he asked her for unsupervised access. I'm told he is at a loss as to why his aunt would do this.
The bio father got a lawyer and signed the agreement but added that he would be filing a motion to vary his access and, as part of that motion, will be asking the court to decide whether the child should be told about his parentage.
Truly unique, at least I've never heard of anything like this. I can't find anything like this, factually, on CanLii.
What are your thoughts? Do you think a court should or would ever "order" that a child should continue to be lied to and withheld from such critical, self-identifying information to which this, and every, child has a right? I am also told the child is the spitting image of the bio father and looks nothing like the aunt's family. Bio parents are White and aunt is married to an Asian man. Their bio children, whom the child thinks is his blood brother and sister, clearly have Asian features.
Based on the version of the facts as given to me, I personally think that it's wrong to keep this information from a child who is obviously figuring things out and asking. If I was raised to call someone other than my parents a name that includes "mommy" and "daddy" in it, I too would be highly curious as to why that is. It was the aunt who taught the child to call his bio parents mommy-"first name" and daddy-"first name", why now is he so freaked out about telling him the truth? I understand this won't be easy by any stretch if the imagination, but it still must be done. It doesn't sound to me like the bio parents are ever going to leave this child's life, so I think the child has to know. In fact, I wonder why this wasn't done a long time ago. The kid is 8 yrs old now and this will only be more devastating the older he gets....Do you agree?
She was such a vibrant and lively, fun-spirited person. She'd been married (albeit not blissfully happily) for 60 years. She and I got to talking. She told me that she had 3 children. The first 2 were adopted (at a few months old) and then against all odds, 20 years into her marriage, she learned that she was pregnant. I told her that my friend (who attended wedding w/me) was adopted, and that I'd also known a person who was told (or found out is more like it, by accident) that she had been adopted, and was 12 when she learned this news for the first time. That event seemed to send her into a tailspin of rebellious behavior and poor choices in friends. In later life, she would come to abuse drugs (prescription and otherwise) and eventually lost custody of her 2 children.
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