Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

My husband sent me a text saying he wants a divorce

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #16
    Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
    Thank you for the replies. I didn't realize it would be consider abduction if I told him where I was going and when I would be back. I appreciate you telling me. You can tell I know nothing about this and my head is spinning.
    Self-help remedies like removing the children without consent is not a good idea. It doesn't put you in the best light with the court system.

    Remember, that telling someone you are going to do something isn't the same things as getting their CONSENT to do it. Right now, you both have joint custody under the law and he has a right to lawful care and charge of the children just as you are.

    Perception is a very key thing to consider in all this. You may not intend for your action to be something but, the court may perceive it as something totally different.

    If you are going to do something like this, even for a week, you should make an offer for the children to reside with you for a week, him to have access on Wednesday of the week and then, he has the kids for a week and you have access to the kids on Wednesday. Equal is better than taking them, telling him and thinking that it is "ok" to do. It is simply NOT.

    Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
    BUt he is violent. He has strangled me in the front of the children. He has spanked our developmentally delayed son who cannot comprhend his actions, he swears and yells in front of the children. He screamed at my son when he was a month old to STFU.
    You should be calling the police if this is true. There is no statute of limitation on this kind of stuff. Abuse is abuse and if there is an ounce of truth to this then you should woman-up and call the police and have them investigate.

    Now, just to warn you much of this reads as one-time incidents. The court will NOT take away children from parents for this generally. I know this sounds like crazy talk because they impact you. But, you need to consider a number of factors that the courts will consider. The court looks at things with a much larger and broader stroke than you will. You are best to retain a lawyer who can assess your situation better.

    You are advised to read this posting to see how a judge tackles the difficulty with the term "abuse": http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ase-law-16809/

    Good Luck!
    Tayken

    Comment


    • #17
      In addition...

      This is a recent case that demonstrates a pattern of behavior of false allegations of domestic violence and/or abuse. Pay close attention to how the judge breaks down the argument.

      Brown v. Elliott, 2017 ONSC 180 (CanLII)

      Date: 2017-09-14
      Docket: FS 15-264 BRT
      Citation: Brown v. Elliott, 2017 ONSC 180 (CanLII)
      http://canlii.ca/t/h5xjt

      What you should learn is that judges can easily break down what is a "story" and what is actual "evidence". Judges are well trained in all of this. Very well trained. Your argument isn't as easy to make as you would think.

      The new beatitude: "Good luck..."
      Tayken

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
        I've helped many mothers on these forums deal with douchebag ex's so I just want to make sure you're aware that I do not believe that all women make false allegations etc. I tend to analyze the details of posts very carefully.

        In my experience when posters only mention abuse after they're being disagreed with it's to try and sway everybody to their side. The allegations are usually sprinkled with custody matters such as..... he wants 50-50 and I want him to leave the home ...I don't want to give him 50-50 blah blah.

        If you're a victim of extreme abuse you're in the wrong place. You need to contact CAS immediately and report everything he's done and let them know that you're concerned about the safety of your children around your soon-to-be-ex.

        Personally I find the timing of your allegations of abuse extremely coincidental and so will the police and CAS

        Making allegations of that nature right after your husband asks for a divorce will not look good. Him asking for a divorce should not have been the Catalyst to allegations of all kinds of abuse and addiction. This is what I see and I guess other posters such as sots apparently do not.
        and what do I not see? If you re-read my post I said that

        With that being said, unless there is a police report, witnesses or he admits it, there isnt much use in trying to use that. Not that I am saying it didnt happen, but unless there is proof it may look like positioning to try and get sole custody.

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
          He has sent me texts saying that if I give him $85,000 he will not fight me for joint custody.
          What an idiot.

          Have a conversation where you negotiate. Maybe offer him $50,000 to drop the custody fight. The point is to show that he is serious. Don't worry, you are not going to actually pay him. The point of the negotiation is to show that all he cares about is money, and all you care about is the darling children. Those texts are going to kill him.

          Once you have agreed on the figure, go to court and get sole custody for free.

          Comment


          • #20
            I failed to leave out a lot of the details, because I Didn't want to turn my post into a husband bashing one. BUt he is violent. He has strangled me in the front of the children. He has spanked our developmentally delayed son who cannot comprhend his actions, he swears and yells in front of the children. He screamed at my son when he was a month old to STFU.
            Regarding the physical abuse against you. Did you call the police and get a police report? If not, not reporting it is your fault and its not going to help your case now. Every single family law judge hears 10 times a day a woman who tries to use abuse as a reason to deny fair custody to the other parent. This tactic is really starting to backfire...so if you did nothing about it, don't bother to think it matters now.

            That being said, if he does ANYTHING threatening or violent towards you, call the police.

            By the way, both my kids were extremely collicky when they were babies and I think I screamed at one of them to "shut the hell up" when she kept crying for 6 hours straight and I had gone 2 months without more than a couple hours of sleep each night. Its pretty normal for new parents to have a freak out here and there. And believe me, the kid didn't care and will have no memory of it. In fact, I told my youngest about the time that I was holding her and told her that "if she didn't stop crying, she better grow some wings because I was gonna throw her out the window." (Yea, that happened)...Luckily, she's very amused by the story.

            Point being, its not something that's going to win you an unfair and unequal split in custody. Its petty and irrelevant and that types of nonsense will hurt...not help in court.

            Parenting isn't a skill you're born with....it takes practice. And him being out of a stressful marriage and having one-on-one time with his own children in a setting he's comfortable with might make him a much better parent than you think. Regardless, he has the right to fair access until he does something to justify not having it.

            They are in daycare because I do not trust him with them.
            Understand that when you get divorced, you don't get to make the unilateral decision...you don't own the kids. The judge isn't going to give a crap about your version of his trustworthiness. You are biased and not credible. The judge will ask to get expert evidence which can be a long and sometimes very expensive process.

            My advice...be reasonable and be fair.


            To answer your questions, I want him to leave because he has told me he does not want to live with us and the children anymore. He specifically said he does not want them more than once, and only when I agreed to give him his divorce he is now trying to intimate me saying he NOW wants joint custody. I 100% believe it is not a genuine wish. He only wants to fight me for it to make my life more difficult.
            People in bad marriages say a lot of hateful things. Its not relevant. I'm sure its not completely one sided..it never is.

            He has sent me texts saying that if I give him $85,000 he will not fight me for joint custody.
            Weird number.

            I truly do not believe my kids being with my husband is in their best interest. Maybe when they're older it will be, but certianly not now. They have too many needs he is unable or willing to help them with.
            What you believe is irrelevant. You don't own the children and don't get to make this decision. The sooner you accept that, the easier this process will be for you.

            He is their father and has the same, equal rights as you do. You can't kick him out of his own home...and you can't take away his parental rights. Period. The more you try to do this...the more likely you're the one who will lose parental access to your children.

            That's where I was coming from. I truly am trying extremely hard to not bash him, make this about him or about me. Everything I'm trying to do is what I honestly believe to be in their best interest.
            He may be the biggest asshole in the world...and you may be perfect.

            But that's who you had children with and he's their father.

            I wanted to take them to my parents house because my husband wont even talk to the kids now. HE comes home and he walks right by them. They call his name and he ignores them. It's confusing and upsetting for them.
            People in bad marriage and divorce situations are not in a good place and often have bitterness, anger and anxiety. Its too bad if he's letting that get in the way of parenting his children and I hope he straightens up. But I think this is more about trying to hurt you than him trying to hurt his kids. The sooner you guys are able to get into your own spaces, the sooner you can both start focusing on just the kids.

            I wish you the best but you need to focus on doing what you need to do and stop worrying about what he's doing. Your job at this point is to show why you deserve to be an equal parent...not trying to whittle away at his rights.

            Comment


            • #21
              That said I dont think its a bad idea to take the kids to your Mom's for a week.
              As long as he agrees with it. If he doesn't, she has no right to do this on her own accord.

              This is where women get confused in divorce situations...they believe they have some weird ownership status of the kids and can make unilateral decisions.

              Comment


              • #22
                Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
                I'm not really sure why your post was so hostile. I am not lying about anything I said in either of my posts. I know it doesn't help me to get advice from people if I'm just making shit up.

                I posted because I already feel extremely confused, alone, sad and depressed. I am worried sick about my children.

                I really didn't need to read your last post.
                You're dealing with a group of parents on here who love their kids as much as you love yours.

                They've also been through the family law system. Some of us have been through custody disputes that have lasted years and cost a lot of money.

                If you think we're being harsh, wait until you get into the court system.

                You and and your case are not different or special. Judges see this stuff every single day...and they handle their cases in a very systematic methodology gleaned from thousands of trials. Its actually a lot easier if you save the emotional part of your divorce/custody situation for vent nights with your friends and recognize that the family law system won't really consider how you feel or what your personal opinion is.

                The family law philosophy is simple. Kids come first...kids are better off with both parents in their lives (even if the parents aren't perfect)...parents come second but both have equal parental rights under the law.

                Read that last paragraph 10 more times.

                Comment


                • #23
                  My boss split from her hubby, they have 2 kids, and something she said struck me: when you can figure out how to act to get your kids the best parenting, and separate that from what you personally want for your own needs, even in the midst of the inevitable hatred & fears & guilt & confusion & exhaustion - that's when you have figured out how to co-parent after divorce.
                  They have also remained members of the same congregation, so are held accountable to some degree by their 'circle'.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    I've deleted the last few posts as this was going off topic. Please stick to the topic at hand. Opinions about the law or men / women in general or relationships belong in the politics forum.
                    Ottawa Divorce

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      They are in daycare because I do not trust him with them
                      I would not put the children in daycare because of your hurt feelings for the dad, especially when the father is available to look after them..

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by trinton View Post
                        I would not put the children in daycare because of your hurt feelings for the dad, especially when the father is available to look after them..
                        Here is the thing you need to consider Trinton that many OCL, Section 30 and judges consider in situations where there is conflict...

                        Daycare is seen by many of these professionals as a way to remove children from conflict. They are seen as a neutral 3rd party where the kids are not influenced (generally) by either parent. They are free to be kids at daycare / afterschool programs. So, when there is conflict judges often like to order the use of daycare to further protect kids. In the same vein, OCL and Section 30 likes to recommend daycare.

                        Now, you can disagree up-and-down all you like with what I have written above. Your challenge is convincing (providing evidence) that your option is better than daycare.

                        Your situation is unique as you are dealing with a biased childcare provider. Which is easy evidence to present on any motion and get a change but, it won't likely be to your care and control during those times. The better approach would be to a neutral 3rd party and not some crazy home daycare provider who is going to sway with either parent.

                        You would have a hard time getting professionals at say Mini Skool, The Salvation Army, Montessori, school attached daycare, or reputable daycare provider of reasonable size, to engage in parental nonsense. These kinds of organizations have well-structured governance and other policies and procedures for dealing with parents who live separate and apart. They are not rinky-dink operations run by an angry person who hates you. They are large organizations that manage risk and are FAR MORE ACCOUNTABLE than what you are experiencing.

                        Your best path, in my humble opinion, to resolve your daycare issue is to motion for a change in daycare provider, supply the evidence to the collusion between mom and the provider, the negative environment there and recommend three reputable alternatives for the judge to choose from. A daycare that is school-attached is always the first choice for judges... especially if this is the school the child is going to attend. (In some areas this is done through PLASP or similar programs.)

                        The parent-provides-care model you are trying to possibly argue is not going to net you any success. One conflicted parent means that the only option, in my humble opinion, is for a reputable daycare provider to provide care when parents are not available.

                        You won't gain much ground on the parent is best... Your situation, no matter who is the cause of it, is not what is possibly best in the eyes of a judge, OCL or Section 30 evaluator. They will see daycare as the best option for the child's interests I suspect.

                        Good Luck!
                        Tayken

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                          only option, in my humble opinion, is for a reputable daycare provider to provide care when parents are not available.
                          She is not available. But I am. and am willing, and eager. I do not support daycare, and really have nothing good to say about it or to talk about it with the child. Daycare doesn't get discussed at my house.

                          I would agree to using child's before school program a couple times a week. Though child get's lots of socializing at school. No need for daycare to socialize.

                          You may argue daycare shields the child, but it doesn't. Just helps mom sanction my time, alienate child and bring child closer to mom. That's all. If child's access with me is extended passed the limits childcare subsidy allows, then daycare will be lost, so mom uses that to sanction my access.

                          Where is case law where standard of perfection is not required. Intact families have conflict and don't live in a perfect world. Why should perfect world be applicable to separated parents ?
                          Last edited by trinton; 10-31-2017, 07:21 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                            You would have a hard time getting professionals at say Mini Skool, The Salvation Army, Montessori, school attached daycare, or reputable daycare provider of reasonable size, to engage in parental nonsense. These kinds of organizations have well-structured governance and other policies and procedures for dealing with parents who live separate and apart. They are not rinky-dink operations run by an angry person who hates you. They are large organizations that manage risk and are FAR MORE ACCOUNTABLE than what you are experiencing.
                            Lmao. Don't kill me. "well-structured governance" Yeah let's follow our mandates and pickup the phone and call the CAS on dad and rig up the child to say her dad was beating her with a belt, and deny the fact that the child fell down the stairs at daycare. And to not let him find out I wasn't even home and my son was looking after their kid. Meanwhile, let's accuse him of not feeding the kids properly and give him a stink eye everytime he comes by. Rinky Dink is perfect term for the daycare that was unilaterally chosen for our child by mom. An angry person who hates me is bang on. Manage risk? Lmao. please stop with your humour. They're usually a bunch of high school/college drop outs without any degrees, who could not get real jobs. Every seen those ads on kijiji for doggy daycare ? Daycares for lazy neglectful parents. Everyone I know , one parent adjusts their work schedule to look after the kids when the other is working. Everyone normal I know anyways. Don't come across people too often who spend their monthly income on daycare. If they're rich and both have serious jobs and really can't look after the kids and don't have family or friends who can, then maybe so. Maybe 1 or 2 days a week. Not every damn day.

                            Funny thing my lawyer had a case against that grumpy fat old daycare lady. Oh he has some really good stuff to say about that daycare. To me anyways. He can't really use his personal dealings with other people in his clients cases though, at least he knows what type of person I am dealing with.
                            Last edited by trinton; 10-31-2017, 07:40 PM.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              What a terrible put-down of people who work in day cares. Actually they do indeed have "real" jobs... they look after our most valuable resource - our children.

                              "They're usually a bunch of high school/college drop outs without any degrees, who could not get real jobs..." ????

                              "grumpy fat old daycare lady" ????

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by arabian View Post
                                What a terrible put-down of people who work in day cares.
                                I guess you missed the part where I said I was in agreement of before school care at the school. They also have part time daycares at my gym. Big difference in those then grumpy old biased ladies running daycare in their homes. We have quality daycare and we have crap daycare.

                                Research shows that while high quality child care positively influences children's development and learning,
                                poor quality care is shown to have negative effects on children - regardless of social class
                                SRC: http://childcarecanada.org/sites/default/files/fs2.pdf

                                Originally posted by arabian View Post
                                Actually they do indeed have "real" jobs... they look after our most valuable resource - our children.
                                resource - money, or any property that can be converted into money; assets.
                                Oh that's what your children are for to you and your fellow daycare providers now, a source of money.

                                Originally posted by arabian View Post
                                "They're usually a bunch of high school/college drop outs without any degrees, who could not get real jobs..." ????
                                Yes, the ones who have real careers (who I see at my job) are only doing it part time and are in university full time. And guess what, they're not studying any degree in child home daycareopy or child-supporteropy.

                                Originally posted by arabian View Post
                                "grumpy fat old daycare lady" ????
                                Imagine having to see this everytime you went to see your kids


                                No thanks.

                                Last edited by trinton; 10-31-2017, 08:27 PM.

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X