Finally making my 1st post. Need advice how to proceed. Many issues with final divorce order but priority relates to access. Scheduled August access time was cut short due to safety concerns. I need help re-working terms of access that will help keep my kids safe.
FACTS: Live in Ontario. Married 2006; Children D15 & S11; separated 2003 & moved back to my hometown (approx 6 hr away) with children for family support. Interim physical custody & support (FRO) in 2005. Divorced in 2013. At a conference a judge said this case was a train wreck unlike he had seen before. Trial averted in the 12th hour. I was hopeful terms of final order were good enough considering ages of children & amount of contact from father... I couldn't justify the $ of trial.
S11 genetically complex special needs child, both congenital & chronic in nature. Significant global developmental delays, extreme ADHD Combined, not well controlled with medication & increasing anxiety make parenting a challenge. Specialists & therapies are ongoing and fathers consent has never been requested from any health care professional.
D15 developmentally advanced & happy child, slowly began to deteriorate. Finally, gr6, got fathers permission for treatment (1st & only time anyone required it). Saw her 1st psychiatrist for depression & anxiety. Now is depressed, regular panic attacks, cuts herself & has suicidal episodes. Has seen many professionals, numerous admissions to psychiatric facilities & on wait list for residential care. She is a very difficult patient to treat because she holds everything inside. A mental health nurse follows D15 intensely since her last discharge.
THE CHILDREN: D15 was born 2 weeks after graduating university. Despite being the highly educated one (father has high school education and is in a dead end job), I stayed home with the children. Post separation I returned to school and entered the workforce when D11 entered school full time. Their father has accused me of having Munchausen Syndrome (I believe he meant Munchausen by Proxy).
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MYSELF AND EX: I've documented every interaction starting a month before leaving in 2003. Ex stopped phoning years ago when I got a telephone conversation recorder. I insist on email communication, send only pertinent info regarding the children & he rarely acknowledges it. Repeated requests to subscribe to services such as Family Wizard have been ignored. Verbal & emotional abuse at myself & children are common. He has threatened suicide more than once & has not followed thru with help for depression.
CUSTODY & ACCESS: I have full custody. Our agreement identifies 3 access times a year (all he wanted): 1/2 of the school Christmas holiday; March Break; & 4 weeks in August commencing the start of Civil Holiday. For safety I insisted children visit together unless the parties agree & added "upon the child's freely expressed wishes" for August. Additional access occurs any other time we agree. We share transportation for access. I try to avoid scheduling medical appointments during fathers time but he will take them if needed. If father has the children spending overnight anywhere that is not his normal residence, he will provide me with contact information and if applicable, an itinerary. Each parent has reasonable telephone and electronic contact with the kids when in the care of the other parent. I do not require fathers permission to travel outside the country.
RECENT EVENTS DURING SCHEDULED AUGUST ACCESS: Civil Holiday weekend was fine. Every year their father attends an event and the children were looking forward to attending again this year. It is a "superficial environment" for them all. Two days later I start receiving texts from D15.
D15 is in distress. Among other things she has just heard her father screaming "Did you want (emphasized) me to kill you?" at her brother. S11 had accidentally spilled something as ex was getting them ready in the morning for work. I suggest D15 contact her nurse as an unbiased perspective. D15 lists off the excuses why she can't. I verify she has the contact info for my friend who lives close by, the long-standing, identified, go-to person in her safety plan. I notify D15s nurse & she contacts D15.
That evening D15 explains how she has been taking care of her brother & how S11 hurt himself by getting a metal cord to the neck over the Civil Holiday weekend. I remind D15 that all she has to do is say the word and they can come home. She tells me next time there is an incident like this morning she is calling my friend, saying this summer is likely the one that makes her break down & go home early. I verify that her father is giving her her anti-depressant. I ask for the ph# and address for her nana (babysits when ex at work) but D15 doesn't have it.
The next morning after seeing her father tell his mother "I'm going to drown him today" with reference to S11. She wants to go home. Nana can be just as bad. She has a plan to get out which includes telling nana & dad after she was gone because "that would give us the least possibility of getting smacked". D15 talks about a planned camping trip with her dad, his gf & her kid (ex has not notified me about any overnight outside his ordinary residence). Her father "is getting more physical in his advances. Today he was shaking (S11) chair and shoved it so he got the table in the stomach. (D15) took him away and got him dressed." D15 says he is getting more physical "Louder, meaner, and more often. Again, there has never been death threats before."
I tell her I was driving up that night. When she felt safe I'd call her father & nana. D15 gave me the address and phone number for her nana & we verified her plan to get out... Wait until the next morning, after ex dropped them off with nana & S11 waves off their father (only opportunity she identified). I would be waiting for them. I reminded her she could always call my friend for an earlier pickup & gave her ph# for the local police & children's aid.
I checked with my local police department, showed my divorce order, texts with D15 & discharge report from D15 most recent hospital admission. The officer said my friend I were within our legal rights. The texts were clearly genuine. As a mother the officer would not hesitate to get them. I don't have a police enforceability clause (my lawyer was very resistant to the idea). Police suggested I contact duty counsel and the local children's aid & police department where my kids were to be proactive if issues were to arise.
Duty counsel said get the kids home & go to the local court house for an emergency apprehension order if there was trouble. I was given forms for motion to change the access portion of my divorce order & to apply for legal aid. The form for legal aid also included the need to exchange financial information because my ex has ignored all my email requests for his 2012 tax papers and NOA which were due by May 1st.
Police where my kids were said they do not get involved in custody issues but offered to send an officer to check on them. I declined this out of fear for the repercussion which would follow after the officer left.
Children's aid society documented my case and said: it would likely be transferred to the office in my city and I likely will not receive a follow-up from them.
While on the road D15 calls: they had left & called my friend for a pick-up. Nana was yelling at S11 & stormed away. D15 couldn't take it anymore. I informed nana & my ex the kids had left, were safe, & not coming back. Ex was surprised, Nana got defensive, tried shifting responsibility on S11.
Ex sent me two texts. 1st to say how worried he was, he & his mom have been crying, he'd been trying to call & text D15 all night. 2nd to say his version of what happened to S11 neck (he did not know I knew anything about this). I did not respond to either message.
When I got to my kids I called ex, explained D15 did not feel safe, executed her safety plan & now I was executing terms of our court order. He said that he had packed their things & I could pick them up anytime at his work.
No issue collecting personal belongings. S11 came with me, D15 refused. Ex did not say a word about what had happened. He asked S11 to give his sister a big hug. Ex did talk inappropriately to S11 in my opinion but I said nothing... He told S11 about all the fun things that he had planned for them (including the camping trip). S11 ended up consoling his father. S11 asked to say goodbye to his nana. I took him to her. She tried engaging me. I told her I was there only because S11 wanted to say bye to her. She asked if she could see D15 & started walking towards my car. I said D15 was not with us. For her own reasons that I will respect D15 does not want to see her or her father at this time.
There is a history of disregard for safety & reluctance to accept personal responsibility from the ex with increasing severity. Ex has rigid thinking, hot temper & is impulsive. When D15 is with her father she keeps emergency contact info hiding on her body & a bag of necessities packed. I always receive disturbing texts and/or calls when she is with him but this was the first time she found the strength to act. Words cannot express how proud I am of her strength. I need help! I'm trying to do all the right things but consistently feel let down. How do I protect my kids from this type of behaviour? How can I fix my court order to best protect my children? My children are needlessly dying from the inside-out right before my eyes.
FACTS: Live in Ontario. Married 2006; Children D15 & S11; separated 2003 & moved back to my hometown (approx 6 hr away) with children for family support. Interim physical custody & support (FRO) in 2005. Divorced in 2013. At a conference a judge said this case was a train wreck unlike he had seen before. Trial averted in the 12th hour. I was hopeful terms of final order were good enough considering ages of children & amount of contact from father... I couldn't justify the $ of trial.
S11 genetically complex special needs child, both congenital & chronic in nature. Significant global developmental delays, extreme ADHD Combined, not well controlled with medication & increasing anxiety make parenting a challenge. Specialists & therapies are ongoing and fathers consent has never been requested from any health care professional.
D15 developmentally advanced & happy child, slowly began to deteriorate. Finally, gr6, got fathers permission for treatment (1st & only time anyone required it). Saw her 1st psychiatrist for depression & anxiety. Now is depressed, regular panic attacks, cuts herself & has suicidal episodes. Has seen many professionals, numerous admissions to psychiatric facilities & on wait list for residential care. She is a very difficult patient to treat because she holds everything inside. A mental health nurse follows D15 intensely since her last discharge.
THE CHILDREN: D15 was born 2 weeks after graduating university. Despite being the highly educated one (father has high school education and is in a dead end job), I stayed home with the children. Post separation I returned to school and entered the workforce when D11 entered school full time. Their father has accused me of having Munchausen Syndrome (I believe he meant Munchausen by Proxy).
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MYSELF AND EX: I've documented every interaction starting a month before leaving in 2003. Ex stopped phoning years ago when I got a telephone conversation recorder. I insist on email communication, send only pertinent info regarding the children & he rarely acknowledges it. Repeated requests to subscribe to services such as Family Wizard have been ignored. Verbal & emotional abuse at myself & children are common. He has threatened suicide more than once & has not followed thru with help for depression.
CUSTODY & ACCESS: I have full custody. Our agreement identifies 3 access times a year (all he wanted): 1/2 of the school Christmas holiday; March Break; & 4 weeks in August commencing the start of Civil Holiday. For safety I insisted children visit together unless the parties agree & added "upon the child's freely expressed wishes" for August. Additional access occurs any other time we agree. We share transportation for access. I try to avoid scheduling medical appointments during fathers time but he will take them if needed. If father has the children spending overnight anywhere that is not his normal residence, he will provide me with contact information and if applicable, an itinerary. Each parent has reasonable telephone and electronic contact with the kids when in the care of the other parent. I do not require fathers permission to travel outside the country.
RECENT EVENTS DURING SCHEDULED AUGUST ACCESS: Civil Holiday weekend was fine. Every year their father attends an event and the children were looking forward to attending again this year. It is a "superficial environment" for them all. Two days later I start receiving texts from D15.
D15 is in distress. Among other things she has just heard her father screaming "Did you want (emphasized) me to kill you?" at her brother. S11 had accidentally spilled something as ex was getting them ready in the morning for work. I suggest D15 contact her nurse as an unbiased perspective. D15 lists off the excuses why she can't. I verify she has the contact info for my friend who lives close by, the long-standing, identified, go-to person in her safety plan. I notify D15s nurse & she contacts D15.
That evening D15 explains how she has been taking care of her brother & how S11 hurt himself by getting a metal cord to the neck over the Civil Holiday weekend. I remind D15 that all she has to do is say the word and they can come home. She tells me next time there is an incident like this morning she is calling my friend, saying this summer is likely the one that makes her break down & go home early. I verify that her father is giving her her anti-depressant. I ask for the ph# and address for her nana (babysits when ex at work) but D15 doesn't have it.
The next morning after seeing her father tell his mother "I'm going to drown him today" with reference to S11. She wants to go home. Nana can be just as bad. She has a plan to get out which includes telling nana & dad after she was gone because "that would give us the least possibility of getting smacked". D15 talks about a planned camping trip with her dad, his gf & her kid (ex has not notified me about any overnight outside his ordinary residence). Her father "is getting more physical in his advances. Today he was shaking (S11) chair and shoved it so he got the table in the stomach. (D15) took him away and got him dressed." D15 says he is getting more physical "Louder, meaner, and more often. Again, there has never been death threats before."
I tell her I was driving up that night. When she felt safe I'd call her father & nana. D15 gave me the address and phone number for her nana & we verified her plan to get out... Wait until the next morning, after ex dropped them off with nana & S11 waves off their father (only opportunity she identified). I would be waiting for them. I reminded her she could always call my friend for an earlier pickup & gave her ph# for the local police & children's aid.
I checked with my local police department, showed my divorce order, texts with D15 & discharge report from D15 most recent hospital admission. The officer said my friend I were within our legal rights. The texts were clearly genuine. As a mother the officer would not hesitate to get them. I don't have a police enforceability clause (my lawyer was very resistant to the idea). Police suggested I contact duty counsel and the local children's aid & police department where my kids were to be proactive if issues were to arise.
Duty counsel said get the kids home & go to the local court house for an emergency apprehension order if there was trouble. I was given forms for motion to change the access portion of my divorce order & to apply for legal aid. The form for legal aid also included the need to exchange financial information because my ex has ignored all my email requests for his 2012 tax papers and NOA which were due by May 1st.
Police where my kids were said they do not get involved in custody issues but offered to send an officer to check on them. I declined this out of fear for the repercussion which would follow after the officer left.
Children's aid society documented my case and said: it would likely be transferred to the office in my city and I likely will not receive a follow-up from them.
While on the road D15 calls: they had left & called my friend for a pick-up. Nana was yelling at S11 & stormed away. D15 couldn't take it anymore. I informed nana & my ex the kids had left, were safe, & not coming back. Ex was surprised, Nana got defensive, tried shifting responsibility on S11.
Ex sent me two texts. 1st to say how worried he was, he & his mom have been crying, he'd been trying to call & text D15 all night. 2nd to say his version of what happened to S11 neck (he did not know I knew anything about this). I did not respond to either message.
When I got to my kids I called ex, explained D15 did not feel safe, executed her safety plan & now I was executing terms of our court order. He said that he had packed their things & I could pick them up anytime at his work.
No issue collecting personal belongings. S11 came with me, D15 refused. Ex did not say a word about what had happened. He asked S11 to give his sister a big hug. Ex did talk inappropriately to S11 in my opinion but I said nothing... He told S11 about all the fun things that he had planned for them (including the camping trip). S11 ended up consoling his father. S11 asked to say goodbye to his nana. I took him to her. She tried engaging me. I told her I was there only because S11 wanted to say bye to her. She asked if she could see D15 & started walking towards my car. I said D15 was not with us. For her own reasons that I will respect D15 does not want to see her or her father at this time.
There is a history of disregard for safety & reluctance to accept personal responsibility from the ex with increasing severity. Ex has rigid thinking, hot temper & is impulsive. When D15 is with her father she keeps emergency contact info hiding on her body & a bag of necessities packed. I always receive disturbing texts and/or calls when she is with him but this was the first time she found the strength to act. Words cannot express how proud I am of her strength. I need help! I'm trying to do all the right things but consistently feel let down. How do I protect my kids from this type of behaviour? How can I fix my court order to best protect my children? My children are needlessly dying from the inside-out right before my eyes.
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