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  • I really need some advice. Worried.

    My 3 YO daughter is going in for a tonsillectomy on Wednesday. She has to stay home from daycare for 10 days to recover and to make sure there are no complications. I have her with me only until Friday afternoon, then her father will have her for a week.

    I am really worried that he doesn't realize how serious this is. He did not attend the specialist appointment or her doctors appointment last week, he has no idea what kind of care she will need. He did not even arrange to be on vacation to stay home with her and her won't tell me who is watching her. She cannot be playing with other kids, she has to stay in bed, and kept calm and occupied quietly. I beieve he probably has one of her aunts watching her, so that means there will be other young kids around to get her excited. If not an aunt he might even have his 15 YO neice watching her. I just don't know.

    Any other time I would not try to get involved, his time is his time. But this is scaring me. The biggest most common complication is with serious bleeding. I know someone whose sister almost died from the same surgery just last summer. I really think my worries are valid.

    Back in October when the surgery was scheduled I made sure that I arranged my vacation time to coincide with the surgery. I want to be able to watch her during the day if he is not home with her. Is this unreasonable? I could pick her up and drop her off and he wouldn't lose any time with her at all. But I just talked to him and I couldn't even bring it up. He actually sounded offended that I called him to tell him the doctor wanted to talk to him about her aftercare.

    Does anyone have any advice? Am I overreacting? I am so worried that she will not get the level of care I could give her. Thanks.

  • #2
    Explain the situation to your child's GP and very firmly require the GP's office to keep trying to contact the father directly until he answers. The father NEEDS to hear directly from the doctor about the aftercare.

    At the hospital one of the nurses after the operation will go over things with you regarding aftercare. Again, explain the situation and request that she phone the father and explain the same things. Tell her that you are bad at explaining things and couldn't possibly do it. Also ask for written instructions to send along with the child.

    Try to call the aunt, perhaps you are on better terms with her? Make it sound like her taking care of the child is perfectly normal, just ask if there is anything she needs, tell her to remind you to send over the painkillers and antibiotics etc.

    Keep your chin up. If there are complications, they will most likely set in within 48 hours. As long as she gets her medications she will be fine.

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    • #3
      Thank Mess. I will call the doctor today and ask him to do that. Her father will be there for the surgery, so he will get the instructions firsthand.

      Maybe he feels like I am intruding, since I asked the judge to change our schedule so that she would be with me the first few days after surgery. I could have had her for next week, but I felt it was more important for her to be in my care when she was released and in the first few days.

      I am just getting a little scared and worried for my girl. I think I will call her aunt. She probably will understand at least a little.

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      • #4
        Great that he will be there for surgery, just a tip from my experience. The nurse may come to you with instructions for aftercare because you are mum, and because she's going home with you. Make sure the nurse talks to the father as well and treats him equally.

        When my daughter had her operation, I came out of the bathroom (we'd both slept in my daughter's hospital room that night, me on the floor) and the nurse was just finishing the aftercare explanations. Except that my daughter was coming home with me for 3 days. My ex likes to be front and centre and didn't tell the nurse to include me or even that we weren't together.

        I know you are not like that, but I say this story to show that even the professional nurses at Sick Kids who should know better will make assumptions about the family. There was never any written notation that the parents were separated, and we had mentioned at least twice, and at intake. Since you need dad to hear this, you have to take it on yourself to make sure the nurse talks to him. I'd also advise that for diplomacy, try to get the nurse to talk to him separately from you, instead of going over it once for both of you. She needs to give dad special attention to make him feel a part of it, and so he feels the responsibility.

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        • #5
          Good advice Mess. I will ask them to address him seperately for sure. They will only let one of us stay overnight, and that will be me since his home is in the town where her surgery is, and mine is not. I don't know if he will be there when she is discharged, so I will ask them to speak to him after she is out of surgery.

          I do want him to feel included, and that does mean asking them to treat him as an equal parent. He might not be able to come up with questions like I will, but it will benefit the situation much more to have him hear it from the horse's mouth. That way it won't feel as though I am telling him how to parent.

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          • #6
            You have right to be concerned for your child at such a time I think as well as the doctors input that both parents need to be reasonable at such a time. Try to make alternate arangements maybe. are you working on a 50/50 time split for example. Compormise maybe. When the child is better maybe Dad can accept two weeks in a row for example. The whole thing about co parenting is that it has to come form both sides.

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            • #7
              We are doing 50/50. But we just started the week on/week off thing and we both think it is a little too long for a 3YO. I don't think 2 weeks in a row would be in her best interest. At least not at her age, and I seriously doubt he would be willing to even consider it.

              I am fully willing to pick up my daughter from him each workday (or even a couple) and care for her while he is at work. I know if he doesn't agree it will be because of his sense of entitlement rather than concern for her. He wouldn't lose any time and he has always said how good a mother I am.

              I really don't think he has actually gotten to the point where he can put his emotions aside and think about what is best for her. I had hope he would have been able to do that by now.

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              • #8
                Good luck with the surgery tomorrow. Hope it goes well.

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                • #9
                  Thanks. She's in bed. We have to be up at 5:30!!!

                  Comment

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