Joan Berlin Kelly, PhD
An examination of attitudes by counsellors, therapists, attorneys and judges toward the concept of joint custody for the children of divorce.
Transcript of presentation during the conference: "Patterns and Perspectives: The 21st Century Family" Conducted by the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts on May 20, 1982 at the Sheraton Palace Hotel, San Francisco, California.
In examining resistance to custody, we must look to the influence of mental health professionals, lawyers and judges in counselling parents and in decision making in matters of shared parenting.
Attitudes in mental health and law
As you know, attitudes regarding joint custody within the fields of mental health and law range from outright opposition to wholehearted acceptance of joint custody for everyone.
Joint custody scrutinised to a far greater level than sole custody
It is ironic that we have subjected joint custody to a level and intensity of scrutiny that was never directed toward the traditional divorce arrangement of sole custody to the mother and 4 to 6 days per month of visiting to the father. And yet, there is a growing body of evidence that such post divorce relationships, that is 4 to 6 days per month with the father and the rest with mother, were not healthy for many children or parents and were, in fact, psychologically destructive for other children.
Since 1962, when the spiral of the divorce rate began, countless thousands of father/child relationships have deteriorated and thinned to a relationship of mere formality in the years after divorce. Mental health professionals did not challenge these arrangements that led to this situation until very recently.
Influences contributing to resistance
Why does the notion of joint custody arouse such passion? It is worthwhile to examine the various influences contributing to the resistance of many mental health and legal professionals to joint custody. These include:
First cultural traditions: we don't need to dwell long on this except to say that cultural tradition, as you know, is very strong and is an integral part of every one of us. What, basically, is it that we have assimilated? We have decades of precedence for mothers having primary responsibility for their children. Mother/child relationships became the focus of attention of psychoanalytic theory and practice and child development research. Concurrent with this focus on mother/child relationships was a resulting de-emphasis of the father/child relationship. Over time, mother/child relationships achieved sanctity. Today, we find mothers who feel that they essentially own their children.
As the divorce rate spiralled and women returned to the economic workplace, little thought was given to changing the prevailing view. It is notable, for example, that 60% of the mothers of children from birth to 5 are now in the economic work place. I needn't dwell any further on cultural influence and its immense role in our lives, but preserve for the child his relationship with both parents post divorce.
Deprivation rather than 'differences' leading to problems
With the introduction of the joint custody concept, there is now considerable preoccupation with the child's ability to cope with differences in the personality, style and attitudes of parents after divorce. The concern here is with confusion and problems of identity formation. We did not question the child's ability, strangely enough, to cope with these same differences within the intact marriage. Youngsters cope on a daily basis with stylistic, emotional and attitudinal differences of teachers, friends, Cub Scout leaders, soccer coaches, and others, with little if any assistance. For the most part, it is the parent's anger about the other parent's differences which create problems for the child, rather than the differences themselves. There is some evidence that, in our well-meaning efforts to save children from anxiety and confusion, we have produced in the longer run the more ominous symptoms of anger, depression and a deep sense of loss by depriving the child of the opportunity to maintain a full and nourishing relationship.
Dangers of policy-making predicated on the most angry parent
Another psychological concept used to bolster resistance to joint custody has been the notion that parents who divorce, by definition, will be unable to co-operate around any of the aspects of parenting post divorce. This theory draws upon the erroneous notion that a failed marriage included amongst its debris failures in parenting, and that the conflict that permeated the marriage permeated decision making around parenting as well. Lawyers seem to voice this concept the most often by saying that if parents could agree about their children they wouldn't be getting a divorce.
Indeed, it would be better for all concerned if parents were not angry at each other at the time of divorce. But, the fact remains that the vast majority of parents, during the initial separation period are indeed very much angry at each other. For the most part, over time, this anger diminishes between parents except in a small percentage, approximately 15%, of those parents who remain pathologically enraged. We need to be very careful that we do not make policy on the basis of this 15% who fight to the death and who are the most regular and frequent customers of a conciliation court. When the child is in the custody of an angry parent, needing to secretly and silently defend his affection for the other parent, one might well ask whether the child wouldn't be better served by a joint custody arrangement that involves large amounts of time with the non-angry parent who does not force the child to align or take sides.
An examination of attitudes by counsellors, therapists, attorneys and judges toward the concept of joint custody for the children of divorce.
Transcript of presentation during the conference: "Patterns and Perspectives: The 21st Century Family" Conducted by the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts on May 20, 1982 at the Sheraton Palace Hotel, San Francisco, California.
In examining resistance to custody, we must look to the influence of mental health professionals, lawyers and judges in counselling parents and in decision making in matters of shared parenting.
Attitudes in mental health and law
As you know, attitudes regarding joint custody within the fields of mental health and law range from outright opposition to wholehearted acceptance of joint custody for everyone.
Joint custody scrutinised to a far greater level than sole custody
It is ironic that we have subjected joint custody to a level and intensity of scrutiny that was never directed toward the traditional divorce arrangement of sole custody to the mother and 4 to 6 days per month of visiting to the father. And yet, there is a growing body of evidence that such post divorce relationships, that is 4 to 6 days per month with the father and the rest with mother, were not healthy for many children or parents and were, in fact, psychologically destructive for other children.
Since 1962, when the spiral of the divorce rate began, countless thousands of father/child relationships have deteriorated and thinned to a relationship of mere formality in the years after divorce. Mental health professionals did not challenge these arrangements that led to this situation until very recently.
Influences contributing to resistance
Why does the notion of joint custody arouse such passion? It is worthwhile to examine the various influences contributing to the resistance of many mental health and legal professionals to joint custody. These include:
- Our larger cultural tradition of which we are all a part.
- The psychological theories that determine our thinking and our decision making.
- The more illusive unconscious attitudes which shape our reactions and thinking - the transference phenomenon.
First cultural traditions: we don't need to dwell long on this except to say that cultural tradition, as you know, is very strong and is an integral part of every one of us. What, basically, is it that we have assimilated? We have decades of precedence for mothers having primary responsibility for their children. Mother/child relationships became the focus of attention of psychoanalytic theory and practice and child development research. Concurrent with this focus on mother/child relationships was a resulting de-emphasis of the father/child relationship. Over time, mother/child relationships achieved sanctity. Today, we find mothers who feel that they essentially own their children.
As the divorce rate spiralled and women returned to the economic workplace, little thought was given to changing the prevailing view. It is notable, for example, that 60% of the mothers of children from birth to 5 are now in the economic work place. I needn't dwell any further on cultural influence and its immense role in our lives, but preserve for the child his relationship with both parents post divorce.
Deprivation rather than 'differences' leading to problems
With the introduction of the joint custody concept, there is now considerable preoccupation with the child's ability to cope with differences in the personality, style and attitudes of parents after divorce. The concern here is with confusion and problems of identity formation. We did not question the child's ability, strangely enough, to cope with these same differences within the intact marriage. Youngsters cope on a daily basis with stylistic, emotional and attitudinal differences of teachers, friends, Cub Scout leaders, soccer coaches, and others, with little if any assistance. For the most part, it is the parent's anger about the other parent's differences which create problems for the child, rather than the differences themselves. There is some evidence that, in our well-meaning efforts to save children from anxiety and confusion, we have produced in the longer run the more ominous symptoms of anger, depression and a deep sense of loss by depriving the child of the opportunity to maintain a full and nourishing relationship.
Dangers of policy-making predicated on the most angry parent
Another psychological concept used to bolster resistance to joint custody has been the notion that parents who divorce, by definition, will be unable to co-operate around any of the aspects of parenting post divorce. This theory draws upon the erroneous notion that a failed marriage included amongst its debris failures in parenting, and that the conflict that permeated the marriage permeated decision making around parenting as well. Lawyers seem to voice this concept the most often by saying that if parents could agree about their children they wouldn't be getting a divorce.
Indeed, it would be better for all concerned if parents were not angry at each other at the time of divorce. But, the fact remains that the vast majority of parents, during the initial separation period are indeed very much angry at each other. For the most part, over time, this anger diminishes between parents except in a small percentage, approximately 15%, of those parents who remain pathologically enraged. We need to be very careful that we do not make policy on the basis of this 15% who fight to the death and who are the most regular and frequent customers of a conciliation court. When the child is in the custody of an angry parent, needing to secretly and silently defend his affection for the other parent, one might well ask whether the child wouldn't be better served by a joint custody arrangement that involves large amounts of time with the non-angry parent who does not force the child to align or take sides.
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