Some of you remember me from before... I am a single dad of two girls with two different mothers... sorry if I came across as contentious before and if it appeared as though I wasn't taking some of the advice. I do very much appreciate the feedback even though I may not agree with everyone all the time. There are a lot of wise and experienced posters on this board and I am very grateful for that.
My access to my 22 month old is Wednesdays and Thursdays in Burnaby, an 800Km round trip from Kelowna where I live. I tried to have this varied on May 2, 2012 and was partially successful (I had FaceTime access added and "no derogatory comments" provision added), partially unsuccessful (in person access schedule to stay the same, "adjourned generally" until I could demonstrate material changes in circumstances).
I went back to court on September 12 due to more changes in circumstances and I believe I would have got the variance that time, but there was a serious technical problem. I am supposed to draft and enter previous orders into the registry and neither I nor my previous lawyer had done so (the May 2 order and a Christmas 2011 Consent Order for holiday access that was drafted by my lawyer).
On September 12 my ex's lawyer was arguing that my May 2 application was "dismissed" and that was one reason why, she argued, no variation of our Consent Order should be allowed. Because I had not put the previous orders in the Application Binder, The Master on September 12 asked for the clerk to go downstairs and retrieve the Court Reporter's notes from May 2. She that it looked like I indeed had been granted a partial variance, however she was going to need to see the actual order entered before we could proceed. My application was Adjourned Generally Without Prejudice, until those orders get entered. Opposing Counsel and I cannot agree on the form of the May 2 Order, even though I got advice from Duty Counsel on drafting it. So we are before the Registrar on January 14, 2013 to settle the terms of the May 2, 2012 Order.
In the meantime I decided I would stop feeling like a victim and see if there was any way at all I can alter my work schedule and make the Wednesday and Thursday access happen consistently. After a lot of false starts, I was finally able to do this and for the past three weeks now I had been able to have regular Wednesday-Thursday visits with my daughter, which is awesome. However, right before the first visit three weeks ago, my ex let it slip that she had just started to work and had placed my daughter in daycare. She did not inform me of this, and does not think it is important to consult me about these things.
I said I would like her to consult me but at a minimum I should be kept informed. I told her, "Please let me have the contact information of this daycare, and please give me an assurance that I am on the emergency contact list for this care provider and that they are aware of our access arrangements". She flat out refused.
Because I called and texted several times over the course of several days, the ex has alleged I am "harrassing" and "threatening". Here is an example of a text exchange between us:
Me: "When will you provide me the particulars of D2's daycare? I would like to know about it and be assured I am on the emergency contact list and can pick D2 up there according to the access order".
She: "You need to understand I cannot just reply to things from you via text message. Everything needs to be documented and go through my lawyer, because you twist my words and I don't trust you. Of course you will be notified about D2's daycare, in due course".
A few days later I sent another polite email inquiry to her lawyer. The lawyer had initiated "without prejudice" discussions to see if I would NOW agree to switching access to the weekends. Apparently the ex has to have one of my daughter's grandparents take a day off work, as it has been either grandma or grandpa handing my child over to me each week so far. And them missing work is apparently preferable to me going to the daycare. At the end of her proposal to me, and with respect to the daycare, the lawyer said:
"It is my client's intention to provide you with the information regarding D2's daycare in due course. Your conduct last week is of concern to my client. My client will continue to work on finding a solution to her concerns on this issue."
I said I could consider a switch to the weekends but I would also like to discuss some regular Kelowna visits. D2 has made 6 visits here so far since our separation and I paid for half of them. I said I would be willing to pay for these to occur once a month, but would like to set a regular schedule. Flights are slightly cheaper than driving, allow for more time, and are much safer on the winter roads. Then we could have Burnaby visits once a month as well, in other words, access would be every other weekend instead of every single Wednesday and Thursday as it is now. She declined this. I also said I would like an agreement that I will be kept informed about major decisions in my child's life. To this she either ignores, or says "you will be informed in due course". And then this veiled threat from her lawyer:
"It does not appear we are able to reach an agreement even on an interim basis, once again. We will have to leave things the way they are for now.
For clarity, please advise which points in your application you still wish to argue even if the visits are switched to every other weekend.
Please be advised that my client also intends to make an application in this matter for necessary relief. Perhaps, your applications can be heard together, or maybe my client's can go ahead of yours. We will have to see."
When I asked my ex via text message what this "relief" she was seeking was all about, she replied simply "restraining order". WTF.
This week I agreed to change the access to the weekend. I asked the ex to confirm this in writing and yesterday she sent me an email, "this week only we are switching to the weekend", and the visits will be 7 hours a day instead of the usual 4 hours. Her lawyer then sent me a quick email in all capitals "THIS IS WITHOUT PREJUDICE TO MY CLIENT'S POSITION ON YOUR APPLICATION". I replied, when may I have the information about the daycare? To which she has so far not acknowledged, again.
To me this is HAP on the part of the ex. I just want to be involved in my child's life. I am not trying to disrupt her work, nor do I necessarily object to any of these decisions she is making. But I feel like I am being bullied and marginalised.
I think I should not agree to switch to weekends on a permanent basis without being given this other information. As for my work schedule, weekdays are FINALLY just as convenient for me as weekends - I make parcel deliveries now to and from Vancouver, which covers my cost of transport and earns me a little bit of money... and I have found a great family to let me stay overnight.. they are the parents of very good friends of mine who just moved to Vancouver. As of now, there is no direct difference to me what day of the week I head down there. The sisters can only see each other on weekends, however the eldest has a lot of holidays coming up and weekdays are just as good for her as weekends when she is not in school.
I don't know if it's worth going to court over this daycare issue, or if she has any reasonable chance of a restraining order against me. I am definitely non-threatening, maybe overzealous, but I cannot see how she can freely offer me a 7 hour unsupervised visit in exchange for me being kept in the dark about the daycare. If I need a restraining order against someone, I am not voluntarily offering them expanded access with a girl who is less than two years old. Something isn't adding up here. What do you all think?
My access to my 22 month old is Wednesdays and Thursdays in Burnaby, an 800Km round trip from Kelowna where I live. I tried to have this varied on May 2, 2012 and was partially successful (I had FaceTime access added and "no derogatory comments" provision added), partially unsuccessful (in person access schedule to stay the same, "adjourned generally" until I could demonstrate material changes in circumstances).
I went back to court on September 12 due to more changes in circumstances and I believe I would have got the variance that time, but there was a serious technical problem. I am supposed to draft and enter previous orders into the registry and neither I nor my previous lawyer had done so (the May 2 order and a Christmas 2011 Consent Order for holiday access that was drafted by my lawyer).
On September 12 my ex's lawyer was arguing that my May 2 application was "dismissed" and that was one reason why, she argued, no variation of our Consent Order should be allowed. Because I had not put the previous orders in the Application Binder, The Master on September 12 asked for the clerk to go downstairs and retrieve the Court Reporter's notes from May 2. She that it looked like I indeed had been granted a partial variance, however she was going to need to see the actual order entered before we could proceed. My application was Adjourned Generally Without Prejudice, until those orders get entered. Opposing Counsel and I cannot agree on the form of the May 2 Order, even though I got advice from Duty Counsel on drafting it. So we are before the Registrar on January 14, 2013 to settle the terms of the May 2, 2012 Order.
In the meantime I decided I would stop feeling like a victim and see if there was any way at all I can alter my work schedule and make the Wednesday and Thursday access happen consistently. After a lot of false starts, I was finally able to do this and for the past three weeks now I had been able to have regular Wednesday-Thursday visits with my daughter, which is awesome. However, right before the first visit three weeks ago, my ex let it slip that she had just started to work and had placed my daughter in daycare. She did not inform me of this, and does not think it is important to consult me about these things.
I said I would like her to consult me but at a minimum I should be kept informed. I told her, "Please let me have the contact information of this daycare, and please give me an assurance that I am on the emergency contact list for this care provider and that they are aware of our access arrangements". She flat out refused.
Because I called and texted several times over the course of several days, the ex has alleged I am "harrassing" and "threatening". Here is an example of a text exchange between us:
Me: "When will you provide me the particulars of D2's daycare? I would like to know about it and be assured I am on the emergency contact list and can pick D2 up there according to the access order".
She: "You need to understand I cannot just reply to things from you via text message. Everything needs to be documented and go through my lawyer, because you twist my words and I don't trust you. Of course you will be notified about D2's daycare, in due course".
A few days later I sent another polite email inquiry to her lawyer. The lawyer had initiated "without prejudice" discussions to see if I would NOW agree to switching access to the weekends. Apparently the ex has to have one of my daughter's grandparents take a day off work, as it has been either grandma or grandpa handing my child over to me each week so far. And them missing work is apparently preferable to me going to the daycare. At the end of her proposal to me, and with respect to the daycare, the lawyer said:
"It is my client's intention to provide you with the information regarding D2's daycare in due course. Your conduct last week is of concern to my client. My client will continue to work on finding a solution to her concerns on this issue."
I said I could consider a switch to the weekends but I would also like to discuss some regular Kelowna visits. D2 has made 6 visits here so far since our separation and I paid for half of them. I said I would be willing to pay for these to occur once a month, but would like to set a regular schedule. Flights are slightly cheaper than driving, allow for more time, and are much safer on the winter roads. Then we could have Burnaby visits once a month as well, in other words, access would be every other weekend instead of every single Wednesday and Thursday as it is now. She declined this. I also said I would like an agreement that I will be kept informed about major decisions in my child's life. To this she either ignores, or says "you will be informed in due course". And then this veiled threat from her lawyer:
"It does not appear we are able to reach an agreement even on an interim basis, once again. We will have to leave things the way they are for now.
For clarity, please advise which points in your application you still wish to argue even if the visits are switched to every other weekend.
Please be advised that my client also intends to make an application in this matter for necessary relief. Perhaps, your applications can be heard together, or maybe my client's can go ahead of yours. We will have to see."
When I asked my ex via text message what this "relief" she was seeking was all about, she replied simply "restraining order". WTF.
This week I agreed to change the access to the weekend. I asked the ex to confirm this in writing and yesterday she sent me an email, "this week only we are switching to the weekend", and the visits will be 7 hours a day instead of the usual 4 hours. Her lawyer then sent me a quick email in all capitals "THIS IS WITHOUT PREJUDICE TO MY CLIENT'S POSITION ON YOUR APPLICATION". I replied, when may I have the information about the daycare? To which she has so far not acknowledged, again.
To me this is HAP on the part of the ex. I just want to be involved in my child's life. I am not trying to disrupt her work, nor do I necessarily object to any of these decisions she is making. But I feel like I am being bullied and marginalised.
I think I should not agree to switch to weekends on a permanent basis without being given this other information. As for my work schedule, weekdays are FINALLY just as convenient for me as weekends - I make parcel deliveries now to and from Vancouver, which covers my cost of transport and earns me a little bit of money... and I have found a great family to let me stay overnight.. they are the parents of very good friends of mine who just moved to Vancouver. As of now, there is no direct difference to me what day of the week I head down there. The sisters can only see each other on weekends, however the eldest has a lot of holidays coming up and weekdays are just as good for her as weekends when she is not in school.
I don't know if it's worth going to court over this daycare issue, or if she has any reasonable chance of a restraining order against me. I am definitely non-threatening, maybe overzealous, but I cannot see how she can freely offer me a 7 hour unsupervised visit in exchange for me being kept in the dark about the daycare. If I need a restraining order against someone, I am not voluntarily offering them expanded access with a girl who is less than two years old. Something isn't adding up here. What do you all think?
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