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  • My STBX is trying to paint a picture of a history of violence

    I learned about this information last week from a reliable source.

    Quick background for those that haven't read my other posts. Still in house but live in a different room, involved daily with my child, been 6 months, she won't yield, wants to give me the EoW screwjob, have a 3yr old daughter, I'm trying to get her to agree to 50/50. We are at a total impasse.

    She has done an admirable job of painting this picture by getting statements from people over the last 4-5 years, and it looks like she is getting ready to present it as a case of a father that has a bad temper.

    I can disprove about 80% (with facts) of what she intends to bring to the table, as its a gross exaggeration of the truth or lies. The other 20% is just the normal reaction of a guy, to his wife pushing buttons, and she is good at it, she is a lawyer. I have never hit her, our child or ever been engaged in violence, bar fights etc. I haven't even sat in the back of a cop car... ever. Never even been in a fistfight in my life.

    She is grasping onto straws here because she has nothing else on me. I have always been around, I've been a good dad, and I love my daughter and want to share custody and be big part of her life as she grows up.

    Please speak from experience, I'll be presenting this to my lawyer to get their opinion, but tell me what you think.

  • #2
    If she's still in the same house as you, you're still involved with your child, do parenting tasks alone while the ex isn't around without her expressing concern to anyone, and there are no police reports, she's hardly going to be able to present a good case. I guess even being a lawyer doesn't maker her immune to desperation. You can probably be glad she's wasting so much effort on this instead of on other aspects of her case against you.

    However, I'm not speaking from experience.

    Comment


    • #3
      So she has managed to get letters/affidavits from people who will support her claim that you are prone to violence? It's hard to imagine that in the absence of police reports/incidents that these letters would not be viewed as hearsay.

      I don't know how you two are managing in the same house. I too was in the house w/ex for a few months but we were not in court yet. It's tough. What back up plan do you have should she make up an allegation that you threatened her? I used to keep a mini-recorder w/me. I never ended up using it - (for anyone to listen to) but I guess I felt better, at the time having it on my person. I recently listened to some of what I had recorded. It's been a few years. It really took me back. I don't want to listen to them again any time soon.

      When do you make a court appearance? Hopefully your lawyer can give you some assurances with regards to her unsubstantiated claims.

      Comment


      • #4
        The nature of litigation is adversarial.

        I really don't think you need to worry. The truth comes out.

        Concentrate on being collabrative about the kids - put a parenting plan forward that shows just how you would do so - and don't worry about the name smearing.

        If she can provide police reports, or reports from people in a postition of authority over your child (teachers, supervised visitation observers, etc) - that arguement could hold sway.

        But I believe most Justice's see past the affadavits from 'friends' of the person making allegations.

        Concentrate on being good to your kid(s). Be as involved as you can be, and simply show that you are as equal to the task of parenting as she is - and what can go wrong?

        Comment


        • #5
          Good advice and even the teacher/doctor (authority) thing is a "reach" b/c had there been a claim of violence/abuse, there would be a duty to report it and it doesn't sound like there's anything of the kind. I should not be surprised anymore but it's just awful what couples who were once together DO to eachother. I was initially floored by the lies my EX put forth in documents. I still remember the one lawyer (I did have a few) looking at me and saying "Everybody lies." He was looking at me like I was nuts for being so surprised by all the BS. That was a defining moment for me, lol.

          Comment


          • #6
            dadthatshadenough:

            I know its intimidating and scary to have someone doing this stuff to you but you have to do two things here...1. relax...and 2. protect yourself.

            False allegations of abuse are very, very common in divorce court..and she can gather as many affidavits as she wants. A huge mistake would be for you to "react" to her and sink to her level. Don't do that and if your lawyer suggests it, you've got the wrong lawyer.

            There's a chance that her allegations may initially get a tiny bit of traction (small chance). If so, you're going to basically categorically deny everything that she said and bring up exactly what you said here and indicate that she is high-conflict and that she is using these types of allegations to damage your ability to be a parent. You should always stay on the high road. Don't challenge her lies with more lies...EVER. Ignore any lawyer who tells you to do so because they're trying to create conflict and ramp up your bill. You deny the allegations, do not engage at her level, and then present evidence to the court of who you are. If she's gathering affidavits to rip you apart....get some people to give affidavits to prove your character and what kind of father you are. Meet negative with positive...all the time. Its likely that you're going to have a custody evaluation of some type...either OCL or a private custody evaluator. I would recommend you get one with a psych component if you get a private evaluator. They have more depth.

            The more likely scenario is that she's digging herself right into a hole. You want to constantly bring up how high conflict she is...how she's trying to damage your reputation and your relationship with your child...then you constantly present evidence of what a shining example of manhood you are. She is setting a tone for the rest of the divorce action. She's going to be the high-conflict, angry, negative person...and you're going to be positive, forward-thinking, and reasonable. You just want to be a dad...that's it. You want your child to have positive relationships with both of you. This isn't about the divorce...its about what comes after. Keep that theme always in your head.

            Be the most active parent you can...go to the school...to the dentist/doctor...make dinner...wash and fold her clothes...volunteer for something with her....take her fun places....and keep records of everything you do with her...talk to other parents and neighbors. Make a schedule of how things are going to run in the house and send it to her and maintain it.

            While you're doing all of the above....be vigilant because she's going to try to get you to engage her in an argument or possibly she's going to lie and make one up. Keep a tape recorder...stay away from her as much as you can...practice radio silence...do not speak with her verbally..use email. Keep a small tape recorder in your pocket at all times.

            Until you get out of that house...you are going to have to deal with this stress and believe me, I know how tough it is. Ignore what she's doing...and concentrate on proving your own character and your parenting abilities. She might be a lawyer but there's a lot of really bad lawyers out there...and there's a lot of lawyers who don't understand that judges are getting sick and tired of the mud slinging in court.

            I've been where you are...actually I still am...and I'm giving you the same advice I was given by a number of people and so far, its been very very good advice.

            You have both my sympathies and best wishes...hang in there.

            Comment


            • #7
              PH: I wish I'd had you to talk to and get advice from when my stuff all started. I was so naïve!! You give so much to the people on here with your grounded advice and comfort
              Last edited by hadenough; 04-11-2012, 10:12 AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Thank you hadenough...I can't take credit for that advice though. Some of it I got here on this forum..and some I got from friends who've been through recent divorces and custody battles. It has been invaluable.

                One thing to keep in mind is that the custody evaluators read all the affidavits and court documents. That's very important.

                My stbx in his initial filing just started telling outrageous lies...including that he was the primary care giver in our home and labelling me as basically an absentee party parent. In subsequent affidavits, he continued these types of allegations....drug use, alcohol abuse...when that didn't work (i'm a vegetarian who's never even smoked a cigarette in my life), the next affidavits were about how I work out too much and am obsessed with my appearance. The funniest one being that he cooked all the meals (you have no idea how amusing that is). We also underwent hours of (expensive) deposition where we were questioned about activities in the home among other things.

                All of these documents....all of the affidavits...all of the questioning...was read by the evalulator who also met with the children and both of us.

                The evaluator we had was a very kind, intelligent, thoughtful person who is beyond thorough. Everything I said on my affidavits, I backed up during my meetings with examples. I never lied or stooped to his level (and sometimes it was really hard not to fire back...believe me). In meetings with the children...I didn't need to speak to the evaluator...they did it for me...giving hours of funny stories about our lives and our family. At the end of the meeting with him, he told me that he could tell how close me and my children are and complimented how lovely the children were.

                Now given that this evaluation is to determine custody and access and my ex has over the past 2 years sworn documents in which he repeatedly lied, attempted to defame and slander me, called me a neglectful and absentee parent, etc, etc, etc (he's basically accused me of everything he and his lawyer could come up with)...how do you think its gonna go for him? Remember the evaluator read EVERYTHING. On the flip side, I proved what I said consistenly in my court records. I told the truth about my own flaws...things that I wish I had done better...but I also showed him what kind of person I am and what type of mother I am over the 20-something years that I've been a parent.

                The report isn't compiled yet...it will be in the next month. But I have a lot of faith that I've not only done the right thing for myself and my children...but also I've done the right thing as a human being. For me, this wasn't a game to win by whatever means necessary. It was a test of my own ability to rise above the sludge being thrown at me and earn my future happiness.

                The advice that I gave the OP is honestly the same good advice I was given by people that I admire and trust (including some of the wonderful posters here) and as I give it, believe me, I'm in exactly the same place that he is...hoping that I get the opportunity to continue to be a parent to the children that I love.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I believe it's been recommended in another post of yours, as well as above. GET A DIGITAL RECORDER NOW ! Leave it on 24 hours/day and cover your ass...The easiest way to get you out right now is with a DV charge, and if she's gathering 'backup' information it will only help back up any false claims of abuse.
                  Olympus Digital Voice Recorder (VN-8100PC) : Voice Recorders - Best Buy Canada (843 hours of recorded audio-you can download once a week)

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Yes and once it's downloaded - back up onto cd's and keep off the premises! He can't risk her having any access to his computer. Lol, I never did get to the point of transferring my recordings onto the computer. I didn't (and still don't) know HOW to!

                    I don't need it now anyway - but it's a great investment for some!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by hadenough View Post
                      So she has managed to get letters/affidavits from people who will support her claim that you are prone to violence? It's hard to imagine that in the absence of police reports/incidents that these letters would not be viewed as hearsay.

                      I don't know how you two are managing in the same house. I too was in the house w/ex for a few months but we were not in court yet. It's tough. What back up plan do you have should she make up an allegation that you threatened her? I used to keep a mini-recorder w/me. I never ended up using it - (for anyone to listen to) but I guess I felt better, at the time having it on my person. I recently listened to some of what I had recorded. It's been a few years. It really took me back. I don't want to listen to them again any time soon.

                      When do you make a court appearance? Hopefully your lawyer can give you some assurances with regards to her unsubstantiated claims.
                      A court date hasn't been set yet, and yes I am totally tired of this living arrangement, its not doing anyone any good.

                      I use my phone as a recording device if I need it.

                      All of her claims are weak and exaggerated, I'm actually starting to feel like I am looking forward to seeing a judge.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by dadthatshadenough View Post
                        I use my phone as a recording device if I need it.
                        What do you mean "if you need it" ?

                        How do you prove you didn't threaten her at 9:30pm today if you don't have a 24 hr recording ? She could say you had an argument when you never did/were around her.

                        Read through this forum and do a search. I am astounded with how many false DV claims there have been, and what great lengths the OP has to do to try to prove they didn't do anything. Just advice...it's ultimately up to you.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          See ddo1's situation for awful fallout from being unable to turn the recorder on in time for a REAL domestic violence incident.

                          Record everything. She's a LAWYER. Protect yourself. All she needs is one successful misrepresented incident to validate all the history she's currently busy exaggerating.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            If he gets an audio recording, how would he present it to a court?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by AdTheDad View Post
                              If he gets an audio recording, how would he present it to a court?
                              He doesn't, he presents it to the police who come to arrest someone when there's a domestic violence incident (real or fabricated). Without it, odds are it's going to be him arrested, no matter what occurred or didn't occur. Then he's out of the house, away from the kids, and it's pretty much game over for him. With it, he can prove what really happened instead of it being her word vs his (and police usually believe the woman, and she's a lawyer to boot), and then he demonstrates her as being the nasty, underhanded party.

                              Comment

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