Shared parenting, where to buy my house now?

[dadthatshadenough]

This has been a really bad 10 month journey, and I finally feel like I am about to emerge from the end of the tunnel. There were times I couldn't even see the light at the end to be honest...

We haven't executed our agreement yet, but its about to happen and I need to think about where I am going to move to.

BTW I will share my story after its all done on how I won shared parenting by staying in the matrimonial home until she capitulated. It was very hard, but it does work and if handled properly will help you avoid court and huge legal bills.

I need feedback from parents that have a shared arrangement and have moved out of the house. I will have my daughter every other weekend and 3 weekdays in a two week cycle.

Details. She is buying me out and staying in the house, our daughter is 3 and will be starting kindergarten at a school about 1.5km away. We live in a unique pocket of homes with very little within <5km currently on the market that appeals to me.

My thoughts are to be as close to the matrimonial home as possible so our daughter will have easy access to the same friends from school as she gets older. I don't want her to feel alienated when she comes to dads house because "Sally" lives near her mum and school and not me. I haven't checked with the school yet, but where I am looking is probably out of the school/bus zone so I'm not really sure how that effects things.

I have looked around and the closest neighborhoods that appeal to me are about 9km away.

What are your experiences with this? Is 9km that big of a deal or am I being silly here? How much distance is too much for the child?

[Berner_Faith]

I don't think 9km would be a problem... the house I grew up in was 11km from my school... we jumped on the bus every morning and went to school. If it is out of the school zone, you would be required to drive your child to and from school, but most will not have an issue with that.

For me the 11km to school was seriously a 7 min drive on the bus down the highway... there are kids that live in the country and travel way more than 9km to get to school, so my personal opinion is you are safe if you move 9km away.

[matwiyj]

The best advice I was given and can give is when sharing parenting stay close to your ex. Living 9km away isn't the same as living in the same school zone. When we separated my ex bought a house first in an area that I didn't really want to move into, but I bought in the same school area and have been thankful for it ever since (and I've grown to like the area).

When we go for walks we pass their friends' houses, and there are always kids they know at the playground. They could ride their bikes or walk between our homes so the neighbourhood feels like home to them regardless of whose custody day it is. When they get a bit older they will be reliant on you to drive them to and from organized playdates whereas at their mom's place it's likely they will just go out the door and see a street-hockey game with their friends and go join in. That is much harder to do if the kids in the street hockey game are already friends from a different school and yours has to "break in" to the group.

My kids were 3 and 6 when we split, are 9 and 12 now and I still think it was the best decision I made. Just my $.02.

[blinkandimgone]

Contact the school board and find out where the boundaries are for this and the next consecutive schools are located. Get yourself a real estate agent who is willing to work for you, provide them the info on school boundaries and that your purchase MUST fall inside the school boundaries. You'll be surprised at what they come up with that they are aware of that hasn't hit the market yet and they can surely help you find something that appeals to you AND falls within the boundaries.

[billm]

My ex lives 1 km away and I am very grateful for that.

I bought her out. My kids have grown up in this house and neighbourhood.

I am closer to the grade school, but she is a little closer to the high school, which 2 of the 3 will be going to next year.

I was just thinking yesterday how convenient it is to have her 1 minute drive away for getting things, drop offs etc. Also, we stick to our schedule generally but living so close to each other makes changes easy.

I have 3 kids and neither of us will have more, so that is a difference perhaps from what will happen with you.

You can only do what you can, but there is a big price on living close to each other. There is no guarantee that one of you will want to move in the future though.

[Mess]

My thoughts are to be as close to the matrimonial home as possible so our daughter will have easy access to the same friends from school as she gets older. I don't want her to feel alienated when she comes to dads house because "Sally" lives near her mum and school and not me. I haven't checked with the school yet, but where I am looking is probably out of the school/bus zone so I'm not really sure how that effects things.

I have looked around and the closest neighborhoods that appeal to me are about 9km away.

You give great reasons for wanting to stay close the mat home for your child's sake, and then you decide to move out of the school zone, 9km away?

To some extent it depends on where you live. If you are in the east end of Toronto and your ex is 9km away in the west end, you may as well be on different planets. If you are in a rural area, 9km is a quick drive, but keep in mind your 3 year old doesn't drive. I don't just mean you will have to drive her, I mean she can't play in the neighbourhood and have the same friends at each house.

If you are out of the school district it makes it really hard to have friends over or later on for them to go out after school together. That kind of distance cuts her off from the exact things you say you want her to have.

If her life is going to be school, a few sports or activities that you drive her to, then it doesn't matter where you live if you are willing to drive. But as she grows her life is going to be much more than that and she naturally going to want to be closer to her school neighbourhood, those will be her primary friends and activities.

[nogoingback]

Congratulations on the 50/50 arrangement. I tried the same by staying in the house and it was not a happy ending. If I recall correctly your STBX works, whereas mine did/does not. I'd be keen to hear your story when you do share it.

I bought my STBX out of the matrimonial home and she moved into a rental on the same street less than a block away. It has its pros and cons. For transitions it makes things very easy being a 30 second walk away. My STBX is constantly forgetting to drop off kids' belongings, so it makes it easier for either of us to drop off forgotten items. That said, I feel as though I have blacklisted/badmouthed in the neighborhood somehow. Friends and neighbors are a bit cold with me now. I often wonder about a fresh start in a new, but close-by neighborhood. But, it's not about me, and I think there is lots of value for my girls to be in a neighborhood that they are accustomed to.
Keep in mind that the catchment area for buses are usually much larger in French immersion schools, should you want to enroll her in such a school.

[hadenough]

Congratulations DTHE on the shared parenting. I'm happy to hear things worked out so well as you were facing multiple challenges, not the least of which was remaining in the mat-home w/LAWYER, stbx!!

I think if at all possible it's best to stay in the school zone but I wouldn't want to be on the same block as the ex either. My ex is an ass and probably doesn't even know the NAME of S13's school, let alone live in the district so I just want to say that I very much commend you for going through everything you did to achieve your parenting goal. I am relieved for you and your daughter that the Judge was able to clearly see how dedicated you are to being a father. Also: nice reality check for your bully stbx. Bet she wasn't banking on this outcome.

Wishing you the very best and hope it's a smooth transition from here on in!

[Tayken]

You give great reasons for wanting to stay close the mat home for your child's sake, and then you decide to move out of the school zone, 9km away?

To some extent it depends on where you live. If you are in the east end of Toronto and your ex is 9km away in the west end, you may as well be on different planets. If you are in a rural area, 9km is a quick drive, but keep in mind your 3 year old doesn't drive. I don't just mean you will have to drive her, I mean she can't play in the neighbourhood and have the same friends at each house.

If you are out of the school district it makes it really hard to have friends over or later on for them to go out after school together. That kind of distance cuts her off from the exact things you say you want her to have.

If her life is going to be school, a few sports or activities that you drive her to, then it doesn't matter where you live if you are willing to drive. But as she grows her life is going to be much more than that and she naturally going to want to be closer to her school neighbourhood, those will be her primary friends and activities.

Wise words that all parents who are separated and divorce need to consider. It is amazing how many parents think that living in two different cities or even small distances from the key element (school) is a good idea.

It is more amazing how many "custody and access professionals" do not operate on the clear and sound logic of Mess' message.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[May_May]

I'm only 1.5 streets away from our marital house (where my ex is living). I thought it would be beneficial to both us as adults, as well as to our children.

For the children it means they do not have to worry about switching schools, friends, easy to commute to either parents house.

It did work well for over a year, but now some difficulties have arisen as dad has a new gf, and he will not let our boys over to his house if it's not his week. So if they forget their bike, or a toy, they can't get it from his house. Mine is open all the time and they do come and get stuff if they need it/forgot it. Irregardless of the challenges that are now arising with another adult on the scene, it is still in the best interest of our boys, and even when I buy (as soon as my ex pays me for my share of our house/equalization) I will buy in the same sub-division.

[dadthatshadenough]

You give great reasons for wanting to stay close the mat home for your child's sake, and then you decide to move out of the school zone, 9km away?

To some extent it depends on where you live. If you are in the east end of Toronto and your ex is 9km away in the west end, you may as well be on different planets. If you are in a rural area, 9km is a quick drive, but keep in mind your 3 year old doesn't drive. I don't just mean you will have to drive her, I mean she can't play in the neighbourhood and have the same friends at each house.

If you are out of the school district it makes it really hard to have friends over or later on for them to go out after school together. That kind of distance cuts her off from the exact things you say you want her to have.

If her life is going to be school, a few sports or activities that you drive her to, then it doesn't matter where you live if you are willing to drive. But as she grows her life is going to be much more than that and she naturally going to want to be closer to her school neighbourhood, those will be her primary friends and activities.

I hear what you are saying, but I forgot to mention, it is rural(ish) but about 90% of the homes listed for sale in the school zone I currently live in are estate homes in the $1.5m- $10m range, I am not an elitist like my stbx and would prefer a more modest home... hence the 9km distance.

So pay more for a big stupid house I don't need in my kids' zone or drive/drop her off. Its a tough call.

[Mess]

"Rural-ish" is right, rural isn't $10m!! Unless it's an Alberta farm sitting on an oil field. I think you're looking for "exurban."

[hadenough]

That 9km distance is sounding like the practical, sound, and sensible thing to do. Who needs to be a slave to a massive mortgage and big house? Better to live more modestly and enjoy LIFE. I have a big fat mortgage and it is not fun. Credit is ruined and it's hard to know wth to do most days. I'm feeling trapped but nowhere to go if I throw the towel in.

[blinkandimgone]

Are you in a position to buy within the school zone?































If so....are you single?

[hadenough]

Lol. Good one. I think it's a damn good question. lmao.