Where to start??

[bookworm]

Quick question - its unbearable at home right now. Need to get the ball rolling to get out of this mess. Husband is good dad, good provider but verbally abusive and has had several affairs. Home life stinks right now and has for some time. It's affecting the kids and myself. Husband says he's not leaving and there's no way I will get a cent from him. I should just leave and leave the kids. We both work and have a nice home, etc., etc.

But coming up with funds to just leave is almost impossible - what's the first step to take. I really need to leave him before it gets much worse.

[Lindsay]

Legal Aid

bookworm,

What a terrible situation!

You have started in the right place. Please feel free to explore previous posts by our members, or post a more detailed summary of your situation. Our members are always willing to help!

If you are considering retaining counsel and finances are an issue, please contact your local legal aid office. If in Ontario, you may contact Legal Aid Ontario at 1-800-668-8258. You will be required to attend at the Legal Aid office in your area in order to apply for a certificate. Once you have this, Legal Aid should be able to provide you with a list of Legal Aid lawyers to choose from.

Lindsay

[Duped]

work quickly

Get copies of everything, leave the originals in place, be sure to get all financial information first, store them some where out of the home where he cannot find them.

Do research, especially on separation agreements and legal aid.

I have found http://www.yoursocialworker.com to be a great help and full of information relating to the children in separation.

Also a good idea to find a FLIC (Family Law Information Clinic) usually through legal aid office or provincial court, I attended one at the provincial court building where I live.

Good Luck

Duped

[Hanging On]

Bookworm - photocopying everything, especially a paystub is very important. You WILL get child support and possibly alimony, it's just that it's going to take time - they will garnish his pay if they have to (courts). I will tell you what I was told - get a lawyer who will then have him served with a letter of your intention to separate, requesting his lawyer to contact them, ect.. to discuss the matters at hand. He will have 30 days to respond I believe. But call a friend or a woman's shelter and be ready to get out with the kids if he shows any tendancy toward physical violence - if he did get violent and you called the police, you could get a restraining order. You may have to live with him while you are fighting for custody and child support arrangements, if you can't afford to move out on your own. Also, if you just take the kids and leave, he can technically just take them back the next day (say from school) because you both have equal access until you reach an agreement or a court says differently.

[today]

I have to ask, why would anyone counsel a person to remove thier child from another parent when it is clearly stated "he is a good father", this astounds me every time. One might suggest it is purely for financial gain, only a suggestion certainly something to think about. Is it not the adults who about to seperate, does the child not have a right to equal time with each parent. Just blows my mind. Can not understand, some needs to explain this one.

[bookworm]

Thanks!

Thanks folks - I'm going to start documenting and photocopying I want to be prepared, ready and making the right choices. I also want to do what is best for the kids - they always seem to be the ones who suffer the most. I've put in 18 years of pure hell - now its time to move on in a positive direction. Thanks for your help - I'm sure I'll have tonnes of questions as this progresses! It's great to find such a positive forum with so much to offer.

[whattookmesolong]

Got out 5 months ago!!

Hi, everyone....oh my gosh, I just had to respond to this; cause it sounded somewhat like me!! First of all........to have the term ....good Father......in the same space as ......is verbally abusive......... is so wrong!! I am not blaming this on the authour.....believe me, until you can step out of the box and look back, you will never really see how bad it actually was. Verbal abuse hurts and damages the kids as much OR MORE than it does you. I left when my oldest son was 12. but since he was about 10, he wanted to leave and would ask me .......Mom, why are we still here.. As it turns out, I finally got the strength and woke up to realize.....THEY DONT CHANGE!!! I know that what I did was right because my kids will be so much happier and they dont have to listen to the fighting and verbal abuse anymore. I know that my now 13 yr old has issues because of what he heard and what he has had to live with in the past.. All I can do is make his........or our lives from now on happy and as fulfilling as possible. My only regret is that I tried so hard for a jerk who wasnt worth it......and I didnt start fresh sooner!!!!

[hubby]

Quick question - its unbearable at home right now. Need to get the ball rolling to get out of this mess. Husband is good dad, good provider but verbally abusive and has had several affairs. Home life stinks right now and has for some time. It's affecting the kids and myself. Husband says he's not leaving and there's no way I will get a cent from him. I should just leave and leave the kids. We both work and have a nice home, etc., etc.

But coming up with funds to just leave is almost impossible - what's the first step to take. I really need to leave him before it gets much worse.

To answer your question ... the first thing to do is ensure you have a seperation agreement nailed down BEFORE leaving him and the home. Otherwise it can come back to bite ya.

Yeah, I know it may stink, but heh, thats the system.

Hubby

[Decent Dad]

I have to ask, why would anyone counsel a person to remove thier child from another parent when it is clearly stated "he is a good father", this astounds me every time. One might suggest it is purely for financial gain, only a suggestion certainly something to think about. Is it not the adults who about to seperate, does the child not have a right to equal time with each parent. Just blows my mind. Can not understand, some needs to explain this one.

Usually it is a case of bad husband = bad father, but she has stated he is a good father. One can only think that a) she wants the kids to get money, b) she wants the kids to get the house or c) she is using them for emotional support, or d) they are threatened by the father (the good father?).

I am not saying what she is going through is not real. Or is pleasant at all. But I have seen this so many times where the woman circles the wagons around and its open season on Dad.

BTW, I will offer one small piece of advice: if you leave the house it looks like you abandoned the children and the home. So be careful. But, get serious about this - now. If you ex does not want to talk, or mediate, you will have to get some legal action going.

[emguy68]

Place to live after separation

If you are leaving the matrimonial home, you are entitled to half the equity. Through the courts (if he is uncooperative) you can force him to either sell, give you a buyout of your half even if that means he has to remortgage. That could be the break you need to set up your new home with your children. Remember, what you are doing might not only be good for you, but for the children. I am a strong avocate that children need both parents. But even more the kids need a peacefull upbringing. Talk to your lawyer or legal aid. Many courthouses even have duty council that you can ask a quick question to. You might be able to get the money you need to start out in your new life though his buyout of assets. Or maybe you might get the house. It is not entirely up to him. The courts will look at the needs of the children, and I believe a roof is important.