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  • #31
    I see your side of the equation. Invasion of privacy, control of ex..etc.

    I hope you see my side, safety of my child.

    Do I do background checks on teachers? No, the school is responsible for that
    Do I do background check on birthday parties? For a couple of hours, no.

    Do you do background checks of your daycare providers? It's almost mandatory now.

    Is checking the background of someone living with my child (12 out of 14 days) for the sake of ensuring a safe environment? I can't see the harm, rather I see it as looking out for her. BEFORE anything could/might happen.

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    • #32
      Its an invasion of privacy.

      Do you have any evidence that your ex is leaving the children in this persons care? If you are doing back ground checks on boy friend, do you do them on anyone she has a friendship with?

      Do you do background checks on your children's friends.

      I do see your point of view and suggest you look up the term Helicopter Parent or Helicopter Mom. Your children are not infants.

      When the children are in your care, they are in your care. When they are in your ex's care they are in your ex's care.

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      • #33
        Oh my god youre a control freak and you need to let it go. Your kids are safe. You had children with this person, you left them in her custody and you share parenting with them. Hell in Toronto one family lost their kids who were with their grandparents due to a drunk driver. Anything can happen yes but being a paranoid control freak doesnt make it better. Let. It. Go.

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        • #34
          I have mentioned this is a suggestion that OCL worker made. Not me.
          My opinion on background checks are that they are fruitless. I don't know who is in the house.

          So if we back off the background checks discussion, here is a question: does the other parent have the right to know who is living with their child?

          It's a question, it definitely doesn't necessitate accusations of helicopter parenting or control freaking, or paranoia.

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          • #35
            No they dont have that right. And that is control freak behaviour. If youre so worried about poor choices your ex makes what does that say about the choice to be with you? Unless your child has expressly told you they are concerned leave it. And if they do that, talk to your ex and ask nicely.

            Ask yourself this, if you started living with a perfectly respectable wonderful wholesome person and your ex started making ridiculous accusations and conducting surveillance background checks would YOU be ok with that? Probably not.

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            • #36
              If you have concerns then I believe you would contact child protection services and have them investigate.

              Best thing to do is equip your children with knowledge and empower them to make the right choices... when and how to get help. Community babysitting courses for kids (11 yrs old I believe) might be a good thing to check out.

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              • #37
                "And that is control freak behaviour. If youre so worried about poor choices your ex makes what does that say about the choice to be with you? "

                I don't see how self-blame helps my child.

                "if you started living with a perfectly respectable wonderful wholesome person and your ex started making ridiculous accusations and conducting surveillance background checks would YOU be ok with that?"

                Let me rephrase your question:

                if I started living with a perfectly respectable wonderful wholesome person and your ex started making "legitimate" accusations and conducting "a single " background check would YOU be ok with that?

                Absolutely. I can see that she's doing this because she cares, and not because she wants to mess with my life.

                I will add I am astounded by the amount of maturity and understanding you are assigning to kids under 12 when there is enormous amount of evidence and history of children unknowingly, or coerced or self-imposed silence resulting in hidden acts of violence and abuse.

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                • #38
                  Youre being ridiculous. But hey if you think you need a background check on people who spend time with your kids knock yourself out.

                  Going by an off hand comment made by someone 50% of the people on this forum vilify because their ex has made false accusations really isn't making it better. Plus they could be baiting you into doing something that can reflect poorly on you in your report.

                  My partners kids believed their mother when she told them it wasn't safe to drive with me because she didn't have a drivers abstract on me. We went to the mall, ten minutes away. They drive with their elderly grandparents who have been threatened by the license bureau with revoked credentials. Do you see how a simple "I want my kids to be safe" can turn into a case of "please dial down the crazy"?

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                  • #39
                    Hey, I'll readily admit I have very limited understanding of this forum or your history.
                    I wouldn't label someone because he's asking questions. Or trying to understand various positions.

                    However, when questions lead to actions, such as the ones you've experienced, I do respect your perspective.

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                    • #40
                      I can also understand you're frustrated with false accusations. I'm sure you're a great father and your ex is wrong to play these games. BUT...you're in the early stages and you need to keep your nose clean, your i's dotted and your crazy stored. Get 50:50 custody, show your ex is crazy and get that shit in line and on paper. Then when you're done you move forward and live your life. It's easy to worry about this crap now because you're mired in it but big picture. Where she goes who she sees what she does is peanuts right now. Focus on throwing out the OCL report, demonstrating your ex is a crazy liar and get your kid in your life. Period. She wants you to lose your focus and worry about this crap. Stop giving her what she wants!

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                      • #41
                        FYI - if CAS were involved in supervising your ex I believe the only thing they could do is get an Order that anyone your ex invites into the life of her children must disclose to the mother and to CAS their criminal records and previous child protection involvement. Whether or not she adhered to this is another thing.

                        Don't forget about the Privacy Act with would likely come into play. You would not likely be given any information.

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                        • #42
                          If you're really worried about something that you have little control over (will I be able to have my kid in my life in an equal basis??) it's easy to divert that worry onto something else (who is this person who my ex got pregnant with and what if they get violent and my kid is involved??). I support the previous posters who say don't waste time and energy on who your ex is associating with, stay focused on showing that you are a good parent who deserves to be in your kid's life.

                          Ultimately, the best antidote to any undesirable influences in your ex's house is your kid spending time with you and the better influences you provide, and the way to get there is to stay focused on maximizing your time with your kid.

                          (As a private citizen, there is no way you can do a "background check" on another private citizen [other than just googling them], so I'm not sure what the OCL was going on about. Organizations like schools and daycares and shelters can work with police to seek clearances for individuals who are prospective volunteers/employees, but individuals can't go and dig up dirt on other individuals, unless you want to hire a private investigator, which would be a whole lot of crazy).

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by bautista27 View Post
                            I am concerned about the men she brings into the home, as I have no clue who they are and if my child is exposed.
                            You trusted her to have your child. Now you have to trust her to protect that child.

                            Originally posted by bautista27 View Post
                            The OCL mentioned I should do background checks on the men if I was concerned.
                            Yeah, sure. Just how do you suppose you can do that?

                            Originally posted by bautista27 View Post
                            And for the record, according to my ex, this was an accidental pregnancy, and the random dude was totally opposed to having the baby, but she was trying to get him to have it. A concerned parent might get worried about the possibility of violence in this scenario! What if my daughter becomes a collateral to the violence?
                            It seems that Stripes and SadandTired is advocating sitting on my hands and doing nothing.
                            Yes. I do advocate that. Keep an eye open and move on with your life. Get a hobby.

                            (And for the record, I do think that moving on too quickly into a new relationship is a mistake many newly separated parents make. Rushing into a "step parent" relationship especially when there is no marriage is ridiculous. Definitely not in the best interest of the child who is still reeling from the loss of their family unit.)

                            However, just because a man vehemently does not want a child, does not mean they are going to be violent. A stretch of an assumption really. I think he would be more likely to go missing and never be found to avoid child support.
                            Last edited by SadAndTired; 10-01-2015, 09:28 AM.

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                            • #44
                              Just wanted to add, is there anyone here who agrees that bautista27 should know what his ex is up to?

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                              • #45
                                I don't care what my ex is up to.

                                I am finding out that she is having multiple partners by meeting men on the internet, and she got pregnant with a random dude.

                                I am concerned about what kind of exposure my daughter is experiencing.

                                If this scenario wouldn't concern you, then good for you.

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