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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 01-03-2018, 11:19 PM
Where is the Light Where is the Light is offline
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Default Teens into alot of very bad stuff

I don't even know where I should post this, where to vent.

First my children a year ago decide they don't want to live with me after 13 and 16 years. They don't want to obide by simple rules. I thought I would die of a broken heart when they went to live with their dad. I became a very sick mess.

Teens, although living a 10 minute walk from me (with their dad), rarely came to visit or even return my calls/text messages. All I ever heard was, busy with my friends, sleeping at my friends. Sorry, let me back track - I would hear from them when they wanted money or drives.

I started to hear ALOT of bad stories about my kids, the stories got worse. Never at their dads, dad always allowing them to sleep out, boys never home, boys don't have dinner with dad/his wife, etc. Then came the drugs, selling and using. More stories........ cops to ex's house often.

Well, a month ago, I hear a knock at my door and it is my teens. Mom, we have to stay with you for a few days, dad needs a break from us. Well it has now been a month and he has advised he may take the older teen back a couple days a month, but won't allow younger one back to stay with him. Ex has them as residing with him on paper since the change over a year ago. Teens in one month have stolen merchandise in stores (expensive stuff), shot holes in my blinds with a stolen bb gun, holes in my tv and the list goes on. My car was taken in the middle of the night and my 14 year old drove it under the influence. THANK GOD NO ONE WAS HURT! But, I do wish he were caught. He is out of control. He has stolen cash from me, has no respect for my home/property. I am constantly sworn at. Here is the deal, I had the childrens aide to my house because they had been visiting ex and kids at his house. Ex advised them they now live with me, unknown to me. This is when I found out the above (his plans for kids). While in his care for a year, they ran the roads day and night, no rules, no curfews, no having to come home for days. The scary scary drugs the younger one is doing is very alarming i.e. coke, lsd, zanax etc. I have found text messages where it says he is dealing also. He ran out from my house lastnight after 2 a.m and did not return to 8 a.m. I told the childrens aide everything and this is what they advised: You can't order your children into rehab without their consent past age 12. Can you believe this law?!! My teen kids OD on drugs but I can't order him into rehab without his consent. How messed up is this. I also can not order my ex to take them back despite the court docs showing he has residency custody of them. I can't stop my teens if they want to leave the house in the middle of the night. If |I touch teen, I can be charged with assault. What can I do? Call the cops once teen has left the home. They will then look to return after a period of time missing. Then if teen wrecks my home out of anger for being returned , oh well. I can send my teens off to a horrible group home however. This is what |I can do. Yes, a group home where there is more drugs, little supervision, lots of people arriving from jail. What the hell? What is wrong with the system?!

My ex has helped to create monsters. I did not sleep lastnight after teen left. I was an absolute mess thinking what if he od's, what if he gets in anothers car who drinks/does drugs and drives. This is an insane life, a faultered system. Where is the help here?!

Then there is my lovely ex, who once again when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

I am so scared, so angry!

Thoughts..........
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  #2  
Old 01-04-2018, 12:35 AM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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Tough love. Here are the house rules, they apply to everyone wishing to live under my roof and at my expense. Don't follow the rules and you are not welcome here. Period. Then follow through. Have them removed, ex can decide if he will allow them there, if not they will be delivered to a shelter and fend for themselves.

No, it's not and won't be easy. But it is the right thing to do, for all of you. Talk to a family counsellor on how to handle the situation to protect yourself, your home and your sanity.
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  #3  
Old 01-04-2018, 02:00 AM
Soiled Soiled is offline
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Dealing with the teenagers themselves, I have no real experience to base any thoughts or suggestions on for you.

However, addictions and treatment/rehab, I have an unfortunate amount of experience with... Forcing somebody into rehab, will almost never work. If you're dealing with real addictions here, and not just teens being assholes without caring about anyone but themselves, they have to want to get treatment. If they don't want treatment they will be back to using as soon as they get out of a treatment program.

What you have full control over however is educating yourself on how to deal with them, their addictions and how you allow it to effect you.

I attended a program at the Edgewood facility in Nanaimo BC which is geared specifically towards the family members of addicts. I would highly recommend it, or something similar, as what you end up learning is wildly different than what you go in expecting.

Sounds kind of corny, but if you can't take care of yourself in all that, there's no way you can help them get out of the life they're choosing for themselves.

Family Care Program for Addiction Edgewood | Edgewood Health Network

That link is for the program I mentioned, it's for you, not for them.

Terms to look up for this stuff and get familiar with... Rock Bottom, and enabling. Further on it things get better, you'll want to learn about relapse and how to deal with that unfortunately.
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Old 01-04-2018, 09:01 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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you need to set boundries and stick to them. If they wont obey your curfew then take their house keys or change the locks. If they are not home by a certain time then they are locked out. Make sure you check windows etc to make sure they are locked also so they cannot sneak in.

If they have stolen property in the house and/or dealing drugs then you need to contact the police. Shoplifting hurts the people that actually pay for their merchandise. The store starts factoring the shoplifting losses in the prices they charge. I am not sure but considering that you know they have stolen property in the house and you havent reported it to police, there may be a charge that the police could put on you.

You say you wish your son would of be caught when he took the car for a joyride. Obviously you knew about it after the fact so hide the keys and if he does it again (kids are sneaky, he may of had another set made) report it as stolen as soon as you see its gone.

You really need to set boundries and stick to it. I have a feeling you are not strong enough to do that. You need to get some therapy for yourself to learn how to be more assertive and how to stop enabling the kids. They can still change their lives around but unless you take some drastic measures their downward slide will continue. You are not a bad mother, you are just faced with kids that are in more trouble then others. Their decisions, not yours.
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Old 01-04-2018, 11:05 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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You should have reported these activities to police. Several years ago a police officer was killed by a 14 yo joyriding with his parents car. Your sons actions may impact others. You are equally as responsible.

You sent them to their father because you were tired of their crap. He got tired of them too. You dont have to take them back. Time for some seriously tough love and if that means a group home so be it. Its better than jail and may shape them up.

Contact your local police department. Emergency services have a number of programs that educate youth. It may not help but its a first step if you arent able to handle it.
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Old 01-04-2018, 01:56 PM
trinton trinton is offline
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and for what reason exactly do you think they are so against you once they became teenagers - and ended up doing drugs ?
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