I married my husband only seven months after we met online. He was a great charmer and swept me off my feet. Things started going wrong about a month into the marriage when I soon realized he controlled my every movement. He arranged my social life, picked out my clothes, and decided how I spent my days. He often spoke for me, to the point that people often did not realize I could speak English.
I felt very isolated and depressed. Considered leaving but learnt I was pregnant and felt I couldn't walk away from the marriage. The pregnancy was a nightmare. Lots of arguments and no rest. I was still working full-time but very worried about my what life was going to be like once the child was born
When my daughter was born, things moved from bad to very bad. He hated the fact that I was spending so much time with a newborn and was angry that she was getting so much attention. Determined to make the marriage work, I persisted, in trying to "please" him but nothing was ever good enough.
Then my dad passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly following a fatal accident. I was devastated. My husband flew back to the UK with me for the funeral. However, things just got worse. He argued at the funeral because the deceased got more attention then he did from my family and the fact that none of my family "appreciated" how famous and well respected my ex was in his community. It was horrible.
Wanting desperately to believe in life again, I got pregnant with my second child. My son was only two days old, when I over heard my husband complaining to his mother about the fact that I was an insufficient housewife. I had left a unwashed saucepan, cup and spoon behind after having made myself a cup of tea.
That was the turning point for me. I made a decision, that although I had no family in this country but my two small children (a toddler and newborn) I had to leave this marriage. I went to see a lawyer very shortly and started legal separation. My first lawyer was awful. Refused to go into court because I had legal aid.
The separation itself was ugly and police officers were called on more then one occasion. My now soon to be legal ex was advised by his lawyer in very strong terms to leave the matrimonial home and stay away. I changed the locks. My mom came out to help me for a couple of weeks but it was difficult having to look after the children and deal with the legal stuff on a daily basis.
My Ex complained to Child Protection services and convinced them that the children were in danger because I was suffering from Postpartum Depression. I wasn't but I had to spend the next six months persuading the social workers that I was a very capable mother and that the children were not in any danger.
I succeeded, and largely as a result of having a great lawyer I found second time around, I was able to secure custody and permanent residency for the children as well as child support. Once I was financially secure I left the matrimonial home and moved to a new neighborhood.
My ex continued to be abusive after the Final Family Court Order in every possible way he could. He dragged me to court alleging contempt no less then seven times in two years. We had a trial. Not only did I win but my ex had a huge cost order awarded against him (which helped pay some of my legal fees). He was also prohibited from ever bringng forward any further motions without prior leave from the court.
The abuse also continued with the involvement of police. Police officers were at my door step almost a weekly basis. Some of the neighbors stopped talking to me. Other times, he would call the police after I had already dropped off the kids because I was a few minutes late. The exchanges themselves became ugly as he used the opportunity to berate and yell at me in front of the children. He stopped the yelling after he realized I was recording everything.
In January of this year, I self-represented myself and won a legal motion to remove the police enforcement clause from our family court order because it was being abused so flagarantly by my ex. My Ex was so mad. I had single handedly removed one of the weapons he had been using to continue the abuse.
In the summer I self-represented myself again, and this time managed to get my ex to pay his share towards our daughters schooling expenses. She has special needs and was enroled in a private school. Again, he was bitter and angry and made sure I knew about it.
Because we have children together, I still have to communicate with my ex. Most of the abuse is via email and phone calls. I changed my cell number and most phone calls at home get screened before I answer them. The children routinely get informed "mommy is a liar" or that all this is "mommy's fault." But I have done everything I can to encourage their relationship with him. I know I've done my best because they always seem happy and excited when I drop them off at his place.
It has been four and half years since the separation and although it has been difficult, I have never regretted leaving him for one minute. The children are growing up fast, and are now aged four and a half and seven years old. People who meet them often comment upon how happy they appear. I think they are going to be ok.
For all of you who are in the midst of separation and divorce, it may seem that this nightmare might never end. But let me assure you that it will.
I felt very isolated and depressed. Considered leaving but learnt I was pregnant and felt I couldn't walk away from the marriage. The pregnancy was a nightmare. Lots of arguments and no rest. I was still working full-time but very worried about my what life was going to be like once the child was born
When my daughter was born, things moved from bad to very bad. He hated the fact that I was spending so much time with a newborn and was angry that she was getting so much attention. Determined to make the marriage work, I persisted, in trying to "please" him but nothing was ever good enough.
Then my dad passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly following a fatal accident. I was devastated. My husband flew back to the UK with me for the funeral. However, things just got worse. He argued at the funeral because the deceased got more attention then he did from my family and the fact that none of my family "appreciated" how famous and well respected my ex was in his community. It was horrible.
Wanting desperately to believe in life again, I got pregnant with my second child. My son was only two days old, when I over heard my husband complaining to his mother about the fact that I was an insufficient housewife. I had left a unwashed saucepan, cup and spoon behind after having made myself a cup of tea.
That was the turning point for me. I made a decision, that although I had no family in this country but my two small children (a toddler and newborn) I had to leave this marriage. I went to see a lawyer very shortly and started legal separation. My first lawyer was awful. Refused to go into court because I had legal aid.
The separation itself was ugly and police officers were called on more then one occasion. My now soon to be legal ex was advised by his lawyer in very strong terms to leave the matrimonial home and stay away. I changed the locks. My mom came out to help me for a couple of weeks but it was difficult having to look after the children and deal with the legal stuff on a daily basis.
My Ex complained to Child Protection services and convinced them that the children were in danger because I was suffering from Postpartum Depression. I wasn't but I had to spend the next six months persuading the social workers that I was a very capable mother and that the children were not in any danger.
I succeeded, and largely as a result of having a great lawyer I found second time around, I was able to secure custody and permanent residency for the children as well as child support. Once I was financially secure I left the matrimonial home and moved to a new neighborhood.
My ex continued to be abusive after the Final Family Court Order in every possible way he could. He dragged me to court alleging contempt no less then seven times in two years. We had a trial. Not only did I win but my ex had a huge cost order awarded against him (which helped pay some of my legal fees). He was also prohibited from ever bringng forward any further motions without prior leave from the court.
The abuse also continued with the involvement of police. Police officers were at my door step almost a weekly basis. Some of the neighbors stopped talking to me. Other times, he would call the police after I had already dropped off the kids because I was a few minutes late. The exchanges themselves became ugly as he used the opportunity to berate and yell at me in front of the children. He stopped the yelling after he realized I was recording everything.
In January of this year, I self-represented myself and won a legal motion to remove the police enforcement clause from our family court order because it was being abused so flagarantly by my ex. My Ex was so mad. I had single handedly removed one of the weapons he had been using to continue the abuse.
In the summer I self-represented myself again, and this time managed to get my ex to pay his share towards our daughters schooling expenses. She has special needs and was enroled in a private school. Again, he was bitter and angry and made sure I knew about it.
Because we have children together, I still have to communicate with my ex. Most of the abuse is via email and phone calls. I changed my cell number and most phone calls at home get screened before I answer them. The children routinely get informed "mommy is a liar" or that all this is "mommy's fault." But I have done everything I can to encourage their relationship with him. I know I've done my best because they always seem happy and excited when I drop them off at his place.
It has been four and half years since the separation and although it has been difficult, I have never regretted leaving him for one minute. The children are growing up fast, and are now aged four and a half and seven years old. People who meet them often comment upon how happy they appear. I think they are going to be ok.
For all of you who are in the midst of separation and divorce, it may seem that this nightmare might never end. But let me assure you that it will.
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