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  • Sociopath

    Sadly the following profile fits my EX to the "T". Has anyone else had to deal with someone like this? How have you managed?

    Glibness and Superficial Charm

    Manipulative and Conning
    They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

    Grandiose Sense of Self
    Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

    Pathological Lying
    Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

    Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

    Shallow Emotions
    When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

    Incapacity for Love

    Need for Stimulation
    Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

    Callousness/Lack of Empathy
    Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

    Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
    Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

    Irresponsibility/Unreliability
    Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

    Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
    Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

  • #2
    why waste so much energy trying to pigeon hole your ex into a catagory? To me only a qualified person who is not emotionally attached can make that sort of assumtion.

    You married him and had a kid with him, so you are going to be faced with dealing with him until the kid is 18.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Nadia View Post
      Sadly the following profile fits my EX to the "T". Has anyone else had to deal with someone like this? How have you managed?

      Glibness and Superficial Charm

      Manipulative and Conning
      They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

      Grandiose Sense of Self
      Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

      Pathological Lying
      Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

      Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
      A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

      Shallow Emotions
      When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

      Incapacity for Love

      Need for Stimulation
      Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

      Callousness/Lack of Empathy
      Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

      Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
      Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

      Irresponsibility/Unreliability
      Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

      Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
      Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
      Yes and yes.
      There are several good books about Sociopaths and the havoc they cause. The sad part is that you will have to deal with this person until your child is no longer deemed " a child of the marriage".
      As someone who has gone through the same steps of realizing and dealing with the fact that their "ex" is not normal, I can only offer a big virtual hug and this - document, deal with your ex only through email and letter, and move hard and fast through legal means only to protect yourself and your child.
      I'm sure you are reading and obsessing on this issue right now and that's okay , quite normal under the circumstances. It's important for you and perhaps your child to get some therapy to discuss your issues with a professional. Take the right steps to get healthy and to protect yourself from future issues with this person ... it can take a couple of years... in the end... relegate any dealings with him to a small portion of your life.
      You will discover that a life without the day to day strife with this person is a much happier place ... and stress free.
      Keep this in mind as you are going through hedouble hockey sticks , there is a brighter future if you take the time to set up a tight legal framework now.

      Comment


      • #4
        Just described my ex to a "T"

        Ex is exactly as you describe. On top of a divorce I am dealing with a criminal case. His only support are now his mother and brother, as bad as he his. His childhood friends are supporting me and willing to help me get the kids away from him. My problem is I now hve stage 4 breast cancer and I am worried that these issues will not be settled before I pass( hopefully can last until my kids can make own decision, they are now 12 and 14). My family and friends and his friends fully support my decision to prepare my brother to have custody of the kids if I pass. He will fight tooth and nail. Don't have any money other than equity in home so this will be a struggle. Applying for legal aid now. Started chemo again. Everyday a struggle but I have to fight to protect my kids.

        Comment


        • #5
          To make a diagnosis one has to be OBJECTIVE, one has to be experienced enough to make an assessment in comparison to societal norm, and one has to be professionally trained.

          So let's all read some brief articles on the internet and diagnose our ex's and have them locked up.

          Not.

          Comment


          • #6
            Are you saying we can't do that? Bummer ...

            Comment


            • #7
              I'd bet a lot of people would think their X matched that profile (both me and my ex for example!). Objectiveness is lost upon separation.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                Sadly the following profile fits my EX to the "T". Has anyone else had to deal with someone like this? How have you managed?

                Glibness and Superficial Charm

                Manipulative and Conning
                They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

                Grandiose Sense of Self
                Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

                Pathological Lying
                Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

                Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
                A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

                Shallow Emotions
                When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

                Incapacity for Love

                Need for Stimulation
                Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

                Callousness/Lack of Empathy
                Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

                Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
                Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

                Irresponsibility/Unreliability
                Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

                Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
                Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
                OK. Now what?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Nothing much I can do, but recognize his behavior for what it is and change my response.

                  Nadia

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Exactly!!!!!!

                    Ignore 99% of everything he says and does, address the 1% of relevant communication as directly and politely as possible.

                    Then buy a punching bag and go for it!!!!!!! Feels good to let off steam and get great arms in the process.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      If you are dealing with a true sociopath, then it is not that cut and dry.

                      My brother is a diagnosed sociopath. I've learned (the hard way) that you can't trust anything he says. Not that it's all lies, you just never know.

                      If you are seriously concerned, this is something you should address if your case is not closed. Otherwise not much you can do.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        What can I do?

                        He can not be forced to undergo a mental assessment. The allegation is unlikely to be taken seriously if its coming from an ex-spouse. I have kept a record that establishes a pattern. But again it will be naturally be seen as biased.

                        By their very nature, someone who is a Sociopath is likely to be very charming and manipulative. They are unlikely to admit there is anything wrong with how they behave and unlikely to seek any help.

                        I don't want to make any changes to access etc, but just want him to get some help, so that he stops hurting me and the children. I want the children to grow up having a healthy relationship with him. I will do whatever I can to support that.

                        But no matter what I do, it will mean little, if he doesn't admit that anything he does is wrong or is unable to see the harm that his actions have on the children.

                        The children at the age of three and five aleady know there are certain rules you just can't break with Dad. They walk around egg shells hoping not to upset him in any way. They even try and protect me, if they think I might get in trouble. That shouldn't be a role that they should have to play and one that I don't want them to play.

                        It feels like I signed my own life sentence, when I married the man.

                        Nadia

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Has the OCL been involved? They may be interested in having an assessment done.

                          I'm not encouraging you to go down this path. You have to decide how much it is impacting your kids. I suggest you speak with a counsellor or other mental health professional about your concerns and ask their advice. If there is any documented history of his mental illness, substance abuse or domestic violence I think you can use that as an indication that there is a problem.

                          My brother was diagnosed during a criminal trial. He committed violent crimes against a family member and their property. It was premeditated and was of no benefit to him. That is what a sociopath does.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                            It feels like I signed my own life sentence, when I married the man.

                            Nadia
                            Thats the worst part.... if he is truly a sociopath... it must have taken you a long time to see through the charming manipulation... and by then, it was too late.

                            All you can do, is the best you can, with what you have.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Nadia View Post
                              I don't want to make any changes to access etc, but just want him to get some help, so that he stops hurting me and the children. I want the children to grow up having a healthy relationship with him. I will do whatever I can to support that.

                              But no matter what I do, it will mean little, if he doesn't admit that anything he does is wrong or is unable to see the harm that his actions have on the children.
                              Unfortunately, that's also one of the characteristics of a sociopath/psychopath, that they are highly resistant to treatment, primarily because of that belief that they are not doing anything wrong. I wouldn't hinge much hope on him getting help and changing his ways. This isn't like depression or schizophrenia where there can be an improvement with the right meds, for example. There's no medication, and therapy makes them worse, not better. All you can do is your best to insulate the children against him and try to minimize the emotional harm.

                              Comment

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