Soon to be ex lieing in her statements

[gooddadgoingmad]

Hi all,
I've been seperated for 14 months and am still going through the divorce procedure. My soon to be ex is claiming that she is disabled due to fibromyaligia and her exact words are that " I cannot work because I am disabled due to fibromyaliga". I was married to her for 17 years and she refused to work the entire time! We struggled so much and I at times had to take two jobs just to put food on the table. So now she wants spousal support (very high too) and is claiming she's too sick to work. Yes, several years ago she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but it is so mild that I barely even remember her being sick! Perhaps once a month she might grumble that she was feeling sore but it still didn't stop her from going grocery shopping or from any of the other regular day to day activities. I am sooo fearful that she will get away with this because she does have an officail diagnosis. But she never did want to work and she doesn't now so she's grossly exaggerating this to get long-term spousal support. I really don't know how this will play out and I'm wondering if I should hire a PI to take pics of her in her every day life doing the normal things. Any suggestions?

[gooddadgoingmad]

Bankruptcy

After my seperation I declared personal bankruptcy. Years of just having my income ( wife refused to work) caused majoy debt. So now I am wondering if I am still going to be held responsible for the debt that my soon to be ex still has becausee she didn't declare bankruptcy. Is it possible that the judge will force her to declare bankruptcy as well?

Thanks so much

[Grace]

Gooddadgoingmad,

Welcome,

I suspect your wife would have a good chance of obtaining spousal support, regardless of her medical condition. Your marriage would be considered long term. It basically comes down to if you have the means and she has the needs, spousal support will be awarded.

You can be held responsible for debts acquired during the marriage. I don't believe a Judge can force bankruptcy on an individual.

[hubby]

To add to what Grace has said ...

There be no free rides ... you could argue that your spouse has the 'ability' and/or 'skillset' to work ... thus potentially offsetting spousal support.

If your spouse can walk, talk, breath, fill out affidavits, go to court ... your spouse must also posses the ability to work at a career.

Hubby

[gooddadgoingmad]

You are totally right! She has always had the ability to work but she's lazy. I mean, she's out everyday visiting people and takes my son to the park and like I said before, by saying that she's "disabled" I know she's looking for long term support and I'm certain that she would quit any job she might get. I am thinking of hiring a PI to take pics of her leading her daily life...which would clearly show that she's more than capable of working.

It was so frustrating to live for so long with someone who didn't care that I was constantly stressed and tired from working two jobs just to put food on the table. She was so content to do nothing while we slowly went into debt and I went into a deep depression. It's even more frustrating to think that I will have to support her again and work like a dog while she does nothing. It makes me crazy and I wish I could just have a clean break from her. I think that the whole idea of spousal support is ridiculous. She did not give up opportunity so that I could have a career. She is not in this position at her age because of any other reason than that she was lazy! The whole notion of the courts that woman should be compensated for all the years that they put their careers on hold to support the man, is NOT accurate in my case. I encouraged her for 17 years to to something and she was too lazy to do it. How do I fight these ideas? Legislation clearly says that she should be compenstated for all those years but in my case, she refused to work or get an education even when there were many years that were not consdiered child rearing years. I dunno. I'm so frustrated and I feel that all of the rules and laws are there to support woman and there's nothing for men....we are nothing more than banks...not human beings. I'm so tired....

[Grace]

Gooddadgoingmad,

I hear your frustration. I am a working mother and do not receive spousal support. But fact of the matter is under the law, a spouse that has stayed at home, especially in a long term marriage will most likely be awarded support, regardless is she is just lazy. Hopefully in your case there will be a time limit place on it. Often a Judge will simply review the order after a certain time limit.

[FPI]

Gooddadgoingmad, I can so relate to your problem. It's strange as I read your post I thought you were talking about my ex. LOL.
Like you I don't agree with spousal support. This is nothing other than a luxury for the receiving spouse. The thing I don't like about it is that it could go on forever.
I will be ordered next Wednesday to start paying it to my wife. It is driving me crazy just like you. There should be a law limiting the time. In Texas it's maximum three years.
I also tried to get my ex to work many times before she left me, she flat out refused. I would bring her applications and she would simply tear them apart and trash them. Like you I'm not sure what I'm going to do if she doesn't get a job. My only thought is to go into errors and errors. What can she do have the Police put me in jail. Than that's it no child support or spousal. If they only would be more reasonable

[gooddadgoingmad]

I hear that there are a lot of men in our position.

I keep thinking about the fact that I tried to make my marriage work, tried to encourage this woman to do something with her life, and even though I recognized after 5 years being married, that she wasn't interested in doing anything to contribute, I still stayed and hoped that one day the clouds would open up and show her the way! HA! So for every year I stayed and tried to make it work, this is just another year I will have to pay for her to sit back and do nothing. Essentially the law tells women (for the most part) that they can do nothing and that they will never have to do anything as long as they were able to keep a husband for more than 10 years.

It's funny because if I had left her when I made the realization first (after 5 years) then I would be called a man who didn't give my marriage a chance and gave up. But the fact that I did stay and hoped for a change means I not only supported her for 17 years, but will probably for another 17 years. I certainly learned a hard lesson about marriage.

Again, can anyone answer my questions regarding standard of liviing? As per my previous post, the standard of living while we were together was poverty. Now that I"ve left her and am making more money, does that mean she gets to benefit from a MUCH higher standard of livng than when we were together. I mean really, spousal support for her is just going to encourage her NOT to get a job.,...especially when she see's that she is going to be much better off sitting on her backside and living off my income...definatly much better off than when we were together.

To everyone who is reading....please bare with me. I am going through such a horrible depression and I am sooooooo frustrated!! I greatly appreciate all the comments and help.

[Rob]

Hi there gooddadgoingmad. I suppose if misery loves company, you'll find lots here it seems. I have pretty much the same issues you have, except thankfully my son is in his mid 20's. However, I have the added joy of having an ex who is a delusional chain-smoking alcoholic as well as being lazy. From what I can see, the courts and FRO really don't seem to care that a goodly portion of my hard earned money subsidizes her addictions. She'd buy cigarrettes and booze before putting food on the table, and then complain she can't afford to eat.

Its interesting that your ex claims to have fibromyalgia. From what I read, there is significant evidence to show that the causitive factors are psychological, and its difficult condition to prove medically. No doubt why she picked that condition.

[Jenny]

As Grace says, even if you hired a private investigator to prove she is lying about her medical conditon she would still be eligible for support after a long term marriage where she didn't work.(for whatever reason?) You'd be paying for both support and the pi's bill.

What did she do for a living before you married? What skills does she have? Would it be a low paying job? if so - you would still be looking at paying support even though she is working.

Maybe you should make a proposal about paying for her to go to school for retraining - would mean higher support for a shorter amount of time.... who knows if she would be interested but I would say there is no way of getting out of your support obligations. Does your lawyer say differently?

Odds are you will end up spending a ton of money on fighting something that is inevitable. Is it worth it?

[Grace]

Jenny,

I think your 100% right.

Until the divorce laws change, spouses are entitled to support in a lot of cases, regardless if we think it's right or wrong. Best case scenario is to try to have a time limit place on it.

[Dianne]

Hello...

I am new here, and I have done some reading around the forums, and I started here. First of all, I understand that everyone's situation is different, and that at this time in life our emotions are all high.

I am not trying to tell you how you should feel, because that would just be stupid. Feelings are never right or wrong - they simply are. However, as someone on the other end of the spectrum, I felt compelled to write.

When my husband and I separated last year, I was where your wife was at. I had been a stay at home mom, un-employed, etc etc. I also have struggled with my health for years, and in fact, have recently been diagnosed with FMD. It is an awful thing to live with, and I do not blame her for whining. Some people can push through it and work, others choose not to, but that is really not the issue here.

I could give you all the myriads of reasons for which I went for support, but seeing as you are basing your opinions on that which has happened in your own marriage - I will not put myself out there.

Please remember this though. No matter WHAT she did or did not do....she was your wife. You married her, bound to her till death, and all that jazz. You chose to stay all those years that you called her lazy and struggled to get afloat. You made that choice, over and over every day of your relationship.
Whether or not you agree with what her rights are, they are *legally* her rights.

My hope for you is that you come to terms with that before you become so bitter that she ruins you forever. If you are the man you say you are, there will be someone out there who will give you the love and light you deserve. If she is the lazy and cold woman you make her out to be, your support may be all she has to look forward to in life.

Life is never easy, and marriage is a complicated thing. It was a commitment and you now pay for it. She pays too....maybe not in money, but I can guarantee....she pays too.

Dianne

(Who just so you know, is now working full-time and struggles to keep her head afloat just like you do)