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  • Scared and Alone

    Here's my story - or at least my version of 'our' story:

    I've been married for 27 years to a man with severe anger issues... In the course of our relationship I have tried my best to be understanding and supportive of everything he did.

    We built our home ourselves, he is a construction worker and I was the 'mom' in the traditional sense. In all the years that we were together, I never asked for much, was careful with the family budget, was a good mother.

    Over the years, I have had to leave him and stay in domestic violence shelters several times as my husband has anger issues and would be aggressive towards me. I never pressed charges and would forgive him with the hopes that he would calm down. Although things were far from perfect, I wanted this marriage to work and to raise our son together. (till death do us part - I know, I know!)

    Last year the violence got so intense that my neighbors called 911 and my STBX was arrested and criminal charges were made. The police kept him in jail for 5 days and when released he was prevented from coming back home. Now there is a non-contact order and I have been living in the family home alone since then, doing my best to keep things going.

    I know that I am in denial - I still want to work on this marriage, I still have feelings for him. My lawyer insists that I have nothing to do with him.

    I don't want my ex to go to jail - what good would that do him or myself?

    The courts don't care about domestic violence, no fault divorce and all that, so this whole process seems a waste of time to me as it won't help the ex with his anger issues by rotting in a jail?

    I have no family left and the shame of it all keps me isolated from others. I'm very fearfull for the future ... My self-esteem is hanging by a thread and I'm feeling hopeless.

    I'm trying to find work - any work but since I have zero experience and am 55, it will take a while before I find something. A judge ordered temporary spousal support and our home is 'luckily' paid for.

    I asked for mediation to try to settle our divorce in a fair way, it was refused. I suggested therapy for both of us, it was refused. My ex is very bitter and blames me for all this mess ...

    I don't know what more I can do, it seems hopeless. After all these years together I'm still willing to try to save things as I don't feel that divorce is the answer. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. Neither of us will benefit from a divorce - we will both loose.

    So many men and woman have abused the system to the extent that 'real' domestic violence cases get no help at all.

    We need help, not a divorce ... tell that to the lawyers who are bleeding him dry and making my life even more stressful than it was when I was being abused?

    I would appreciate your comments as it is obvious that I don't have a clue

    Jan

  • #2
    You are truly in denial, so nothing I have said or will say will make any difference, even though I did try to help you on your previous introductory thread an hour ago.

    I identify with your situation very strongly and am in the process of getting out of my marriage, not stay in the denial that I was in for so many decades.

    I differ from you in that I kept all of his abuse hidden from everyone all of those decades...not even family knew. You have, and are using, this great opportunity to tell the world about his abuse, and yet choose not to learn or even try and listen to what others have counselled you...I'm sure you must have had some advice from the shelter counsellors at least.

    I'm sorry for your lawyer, as he/she appears to be truly enlightened and sympathetic to your situation. This lawyer really deserves your appreciation, at the very least.

    Once you decide to try to get past the veil of blindness you are in, PM me if you wish.

    Comment


    • #3
      Dear Caranna,

      Yes I'm in denial, as I wrote in my other post but I am working on that.

      I have taken my lawyers advice, have not contacted stbx and have accepted that nothing more can be done. The house will be sold before the end of the year as there is no other option and hopefully this whole process will not drag on for too long.

      My priorities for the time being are my safety and financial security ... the rest of it I will deal with one day at a time.

      Good luck to you as I know how difficult this whole process can be.

      Jan XX

      Comment


      • #4
        I was also in denial but for many different reason when my situation started or ended . It will get better. For me it was like turning on a switch. One day I just woke up and said to myself WTF were you thinking. The fog cleared and I have not looked back.

        I hope you are now in some kind of counseling. You should also look into some support groups. I had great friends who were my support group but the best thing you can do is find someone to talk to about it.

        You have made a good start here. Keep up the good work and keep your head high.

        Comment


        • #5
          I've commented on the other thread, but I will comment on the criminal charges issue here. Many times people with issues need to hit bottom in order to recognize the issue and seek help. Jail might be that signal for him, and he may not come to it on his own without a strong signal.

          With all due respect, love has to be a partnership between two people. Someone who abuses you emotionally and physically is not a partner. They aren't demonstrating love. You may be nostalgic for the love you once had, scared for your future, that is natural and to be expected. Find some support, and counselling, as others have suggested. If your husband's company has an employee assistance program (EAP) that could be a place to start. Or if you have a church you like, a minister or a priest can point you to resources.

          You have the right idea with one day at a time. That is how you have to live until you can sort things out.

          Stay safe, stay strong. It can get better.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
            I've commented on the other thread, but I will comment on the criminal charges issue here. Many times people with issues need to hit bottom in order to recognize the issue and seek help. Jail might be that signal for him, and he may not come to it on his own without a strong signal.

            With all due respect, love has to be a partnership between two people. Someone who abuses you emotionally and physically is not a partner. They aren't demonstrating love. You may be nostalgic for the love you once had, scared for your future, that is natural and to be expected. Find some support, and counselling, as others have suggested. If your husband's company has an employee assistance program (EAP) that could be a place to start. Or if you have a church you like, a minister or a priest can point you to resources.

            You have the right idea with one day at a time. That is how you have to live until you can sort things out.

            Stay safe, stay strong. It can get better.
            It WILL get better.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks to all for your encouraging words,

              I appreciate all the support that I can get

              As you said above, 'when the fog clears', that is exactly how things appear to me at this time in my life. I have participated in group therapy, I understand the cycle of domestic violence and am also seeing a private therapist.

              On a purely intellectual level, I get it, I really do. The denial part comes from the heart and THAT is what needs fixing - all in due time I suppose.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                Thanks to all for your encouraging words,

                I appreciate all the support that I can get

                As you said above, 'when the fog clears', that is exactly how things appear to me at this time in my life. I have participated in group therapy, I understand the cycle of domestic violence and am also seeing a private therapist.

                On a purely intellectual level, I get it, I really do. The denial part comes from the heart and THAT is what needs fixing - all in due time I suppose.
                do what ever you can to repair the damage living with an abusive man has caused. Try to find your inner strength and see the value of yourself. What do you value about yourself as a person..ask yourself. Seek the answers and lengthen that list as you seek support from others who can help you see it. Read about it...buy books and more books about it to learn more. I personally was in a 10 year abusive relationship..and it still affects me till this day. but since I've let go of my emotional connection to him...to the best of my ability, yet still care about his well being...it is still hard to see the value in myself when he starts spewing verbal remarks that are only a reminder of the past life with him. It's been almost 2 years since breaking it off with him completely and I am glad to say I see value in myself more than I saw in the past...however I still have more work to do. So relating to your situation...it's going to take time to repair yourself from inside...but you will get there. Don't give up. Staying with him and not breaking away from the abuse is not the answer. I used to make excuses like that and say stuff like...we can still be married but live apart in separate homes. That wouldn't have been the answer either...the abuse would have still prevailed. Now that we're divorced..i'm on my way to cutting off the abuse entirely...and taking control of my life and destiny. We are stronger than we think!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Here's a few lines of inspiration that I read everyday - it was written by a woman who left an abusive partner 35 years:

                  'There are very good things I'm dwelling on tonight, no more fear of abuse or constantly being put down. No more isolation and having to stay 'in my room'. I can breathe and not be afraid when I hear a car come down the street.

                  God has been patiently teaching me that He provides just when I need it. Not a month before, but just at the right time. We don't need our ticket until we get on the train and God has done miracles for me these last few months. He has never failed me and won't in the future.

                  Remember, life isn't fair. Don't think about the should haves or the if only's. No matter how long you were married or what age you are, God never meant for love and marriage to hurt. I look forward to what God has in store for me. I'll be able to be close to my family, can have friends over, and make my own decisions.'

                  I think the hardest part of the recovery process is not forgiving the abusive spouse - it's forgiving ourselves ...

                  Jan XX

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Janibel all I can offer is that I am so sorry this happened to you and I do pray you find your way to a life without fear and its full of happiness - best wishes for you

                    your not alone

                    pokeman

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thank you Pokeman,

                      And I see that you are from Calgary - are you ok? Judging by what I see on TV --- it looks like hell! I hope that you are safe and dry. You must be very proud of your neighbors, thousands of volunteers! Good people to be sure

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        Over the years, I have had to leave him and stay in domestic violence shelters several times as my husband has anger issues and would be aggressive towards me. I never pressed charges and would forgive him with the hopes that he would calm down. Although things were far from perfect, I wanted this marriage to work and to raise our son together. (till death do us part - I know, I know!)
                        Interesting that the "domestic violence" shelters did not call the police. Generally on intake many of them require to report your attendance as to alert the police at minimum to avoid a missing persons report. Generally, the intake procedure requires them to contact the police and in most (not all) cases the police lay criminal charges against any person whom's spouse is residing in a "shelter".

                        Not saying you are miss representing what actually happened. Just curious as to why the shelter never alerted the police and notified them of your residential location. This generally gets the wheels turning for the criminal charge.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        Last year the violence got so intense that my neighbors called 911 and my STBX was arrested and criminal charges were made.
                        As they should be if there was a violent situation that required the intervention of third parties to contact the police.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        The police kept him in jail for 5 days and when released he was prevented from coming back home. Now there is a non-contact order and I have been living in the family home alone since then, doing my best to keep things going.
                        Interesting that he was held for 5 days. It is a rare case that someone is held for 5 days.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        I know that I am in denial - I still want to work on this marriage, I still have feelings for him. My lawyer insists that I have nothing to do with him.
                        Your lawyer is absolutely correct. Furthermore, you should listen to the advice of your lawyer.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        I don't want my ex to go to jail - what good would that do him or myself?
                        A criminal charge doesn't automatically result in "jail time". It won't be decided until a trial is heard on the issues. A criminal charge doesn't mean guilt. It just means that enough evidence has been gathered to bring forward a charge but, it doesn't become a conviction and sentenced until a trial on the matter is heard.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        The courts don't care about domestic violence, no fault divorce and all that, so this whole process seems a waste of time to me as it won't help the ex with his anger issues by rotting in a jail?
                        Here is the reason why the courts can't help the other person you are so concerned about... The court cannot order someone whom is sick to get better. There are underlying mental health issues which lead to 'anger' and then to violence. The court can't order someone who is unwilling to seek help on their own to be forced into treatment.

                        Even on a Form 1 they can only hold someone on a very temporary basis.

                        It all boils down to... You can lead a horse to water but, you can't make them drink.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        I have no family left and the shame of it all keps me isolated from others. I'm very fearfull for the future ... My self-esteem is hanging by a thread and I'm feeling hopeless.
                        I do advise you as you have expressed all the emotional states of depression to seek out help for yourself. You have expressed that you are feeling "shame", "isolated", "fearful" (anxious), self-esteem issues and finally feeling "hopeless" to seek out the appropriate medical attention. What you have expressed feelings often associated with depression/adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and/or depression. Do not be afraid to contact your family practitioner of medicine and seek the help you need. There are many people in our medical system here in Canada who can help you with your emotions and help you significantly.

                        You are not a weak person for seeking mental health help. Those who seek assistance for mental health and deal with their issues are incredibly strong people. You have come here, shared your story and demonstrated your strength. Don't be afraid to seek out help from a mental health professional. They can really help you through this time.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        I asked for mediation to try to settle our divorce in a fair way, it was refused. I suggested therapy for both of us, it was refused. My ex is very bitter and blames me for all this mess ...
                        This is because a mediated solution can not be done when there is evidence to violence and/or abuse. The same requirements apply to family therapy and joint sessions with a custody and access assessor. If there is an allegation of abuse by either party they should not be put into the same room in a mediated situation.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        I don't know what more I can do, it seems hopeless. After all these years together I'm still willing to try to save things as I don't feel that divorce is the answer. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. Neither of us will benefit from a divorce - we will both loose.
                        Or you can look at it from the perspective that you both win. Clearly there is an emotional bond but not one that is healthy for either of you. You are feeling "hopeless" and experiencing other emotional distressing things. Imagine your life if you didn't feel this way? You can feel this way as a single person and you are not dependent on someone else to make you happy. Until you can be happy on your own being with someone won't make you happy. Sure, there are times you can remember that you were happy with the other person in your life. Keep those happy thoughts but, do realize that you can experience that happiness in other parts of your life. Don't be dependent on others to make you happy - learn to be happy yourself and then you will be truly happy.

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        So many men and woman have abused the system to the extent that 'real' domestic violence cases get no help at all.
                        I don't think this is the issue per-say. Short of forming the other party and forcing them into treatment isn't the solution. It may "feel" like the solution... But, the reality is... the horse to water theory...

                        Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                        We need help, not a divorce ... tell that to the lawyers who are bleeding him dry and making my life even more stressful than it was when I was being abused?
                        It does get better. You need time away from the situation but, until such time your matter goes to trial it is very stressful. Please do seek out the proper support from a mental health professional to assist you through this time. It is probably the best investment in YOURSELF that you will ever make. You will be happy you did.

                        Good Luck!
                        Tayken

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Thank you Taken, I value your opinion.

                          I have gone to DV shelter,s in the past and received support, and council but never did they put pressure on me to press charges. Usually this is done by the ER staff or some other third party. The police who escorted me explained my rights but did not insist.

                          Statistically speaking most DV victims will leave their abuser several times before actually filing charges. Often they will try to have the charges dropped out of fear, shame or guilt. In my case it was a third party. When the police arrived they took photos, drove me to the hospital and yes I did press charges.

                          They kept the neighbors 911 call, my testimony and went ahead with the arrest and prosecution. The restraining order will be on-going until the trial.
                          I will have to testify whether I want to or not.

                          This happened over a year ago and is far from over. Same thing with the divorce, it will take time as mediation was refused.

                          I have been to group therapy and realize that this is nothing to be ashamed of - could happen to anyone - male or female, all ages and backgrounds.

                          Yes I'm depressed, but will be alright as I understand the cause of it.

                          I'm at the point where I feel sorry for him - he has serious issues and needs professional help, it's out of my hands. In my opinion this is a matter of too much devotion to the wrong person. Live and learn.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Janibel View Post
                            Here's a few lines of inspiration that I read everyday - it was written by a woman who left an abusive partner 35 years:

                            'There are very good things I'm dwelling on tonight, no more fear of abuse or constantly being put down. No more isolation and having to stay 'in my room'. I can breathe and not be afraid when I hear a car come down the street.

                            God has been patiently teaching me that He provides just when I need it. Not a month before, but just at the right time. We don't need our ticket until we get on the train and God has done miracles for me these last few months. He has never failed me and won't in the future.

                            Remember, life isn't fair. Don't think about the should haves or the if only's. No matter how long you were married or what age you are, God never meant for love and marriage to hurt. I look forward to what God has in store for me. I'll be able to be close to my family, can have friends over, and make my own decisions.'

                            I think the hardest part of the recovery process is not forgiving the abusive spouse - it's forgiving ourselves ...

                            Jan XX
                            Thanks for that quote Janibel. I could have written that passage. Every word rings true.

                            I found it especially hard to forgive...until I realized that I needed to forgive myself above all.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I can honestly say Caranna, that of all the feelings associated with DV (a virtual Victory Garden-full of emotions) forgiveness is the most difficult one that I have had to deal with.

                              I can understand and forgive the STBX's behavior in light of his past issues with a dysfunctional family situation. I seem to have trouble applying the same towards myself. That is the core problem that we have to face.

                              This hurt will heal, as I refuse to think of myself as damaged. There's a lot of truth to the saying:'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'.

                              Comment

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