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  • ex screaming at son till he cries

    My son told me today that his mom screams so much at him till the point he cries. He said it happens about once or twice a week....

    Suggestions?

  • #2
    If it is happening regularly then I would think it is appropriate for a 3rd party, such as a child psychologist, to work with/assess your son.

    My son told a teacher once that he was deprived of light in his bedroom. I spent the money and took him to a psychologist. I made sure the school received a copy of the psychologist's report. [My son had a drafting table and very bright drafting table lamp in his bedroom LOL]. He was 9 yrs old at the time and wasn't doing well in school. I remember feeling a tad remiss as I had his eyes tested and he needed glasses. Kids can exaggerate things but I think good parenting requires one to give the kids the benefit of the doubt.

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    • #3
      How old is child?

      Comment


      • #4
        What does your son tell you about why Mom is yelling at him? Not to condone her behavior - it's clearly bad parenting on her part. There is a fine distinction between normal loss of patience and child abuse .... Tread gently as you don't want to make things worse.

        Also, are you on good terms with his teacher, perhaps he/she could give you some insight as to how your son is doing? What do the other siblings have to say about this? Are they treated in the same way?

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        • #5
          I dont know what he did as he said it occurs regularly....

          My children do very well in school, best in the class type (at this level not saying too much).

          She also screams at my 6yo daughter at the same intensity.

          Apparently she also threw a knife at my son.


          My children are remarkably well behaved - among the best of any children I know.

          I barely every have to discipline them, a timeout periodically and I am actually strict but very playful with them at the sametime.

          There are no outwards sign but they are terrified of their mother to the point they don't want to tell me anything because she will punish them and my daughter pleads with my son not to tell the mother anything (my daughter) tells me.....

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          • #6
            Knife throwing would definitely be my line in the sand. Toss cutlery at my kid over my dead body!

            Sounds like your Ex has serious anger issues. Problem is you have no way to prove any of it, that's were the caution comes in. I think Arabian has the right idea, you'd need to get a 3rd party evaluation for ALL the kids - better safe than sorry. Has child protection services ever been involved with your family?

            No child should ever feel terrified in their own home.

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            • #7
              I have a recording now talking about the knife throwing and screaming. The kids weren't aware of me recording them.

              I have never recorded my kids before but they don't want to speak against their mom out of fear of her and getting her on trouble. Never had child protection involved - I knew she was nuts but I was hoping it was me that was driving her nuts (politically correct b.s. about how marriage stress makes u a crappy parent)

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              • #8
                I have read many cases where judges are highly critical of parents who tape record children. To what end would you record? It would not be of any evidential value.

                When kids go to counsellors/clinicians it isn't for them to "rat" out a parent. Often the child needs reassurance that the problems mom and dad are having are not their fault. I don't have any experience with child protection services (thankfully) but from little I've read on this forum I would think that you would contact those people if your child was in imminent danger and you had absolutely no other options. You can likely afford private counselling services for your kids (and if employed it would likely be covered under your work insurance). Probably the best benefit for you would be to get professional advice for yourself on how to best handle this situation BEFORE you have to call in the child protection services and/or police.

                You sound like you are a loving, concerned father who wants what's best for his children. You also have been "around the block" and would know how devastatingly damaging a single inexperienced, but well-meaning, government employee's involvement can impact someone. I'd be very careful before calling in the army. Just talk to a counsellor yourself and see how they recommend you should handle this situation.

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                • #9
                  You taped your kids talking about their mother?

                  What exactly are you hoping to do with the tape?

                  If you're concerned about the children's well-being, make a request to bring them to a psychologist.

                  Kids say a lot of stuff...especially when they're trying to gain the sympathy and approval of warring parents.

                  You can go down the route of calling CPS but I seriously doubt its going to result in much. I have a feeling you're going to keep picking at the scab forever though.

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                  • #10
                    Not really sure what to do....

                    A few of my concerns are

                    a) that my ex has basically my children are under threat to never tell me anything that happens when they are under her care. I can never reveal anything I know unless I know something corrective will come of it because it will just result in an escalation - more secrecy, more threats on the children.

                    b) I don't like the tape recording thing and I just did it to have something documented

                    c) I am worried to tell child protection and even a psychologist. The throwing knife incident can be interpreted as assault perhaps - do I want to open up that can of worms...

                    I am leaning towards bringing them to a psychologist but
                    a) She won't agree - can I bring them anyways on my time?
                    b) I guess I tell the psychologist my concerns but the psych can't tell my kids that he/she knows through me.

                    I have a cousin that is a child psychologist I am thinking I should ask....

                    I don't think the kids were trying to appease me, they don't really care - their answers were nuanced and they were saying "mommy loves us" so it wasn't a mommy bashing session... and sometimes they would say something and when I'd ask them to clarify it would end up being not as bad as they started off by saying.

                    The reality is probably:
                    -she threw a knife on purpose at my son
                    -she screams at them daily and occasionally she will bring them to tears due to the intensity.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I'm with you on the video tape. It's not admissible you probably know that. It isn't a video interrogation...it's easily accomplished in an non intrusive manner, you are concerned about your kids and you're afraid nobody believes you (which they won't had it not been recorded).

                      I have found simply stating something has been recorded gives it 300x more credibility in addressing the issue. The other parent will not so quickly brush it off. I have also found if you have a perpensity to record, miraculously everybody suddenly behaves much more politely.

                      I am not someone who uses his phone for video or pictures or selfies very much at all...but in dealing with my ex and what my children have reported it has been a god-send. Had this happened even 10 years ago...I think it would be completely different.

                      Nothing I have record will make it to court or has even been transcribed or even addressed specifically in court documents. But it's changed the nature of the game and the Ex's behavior.

                      Welcome to the 21st century.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You don't use a recording of the children talking about what happened as evidence that it happened. You use it as evidence that they told you something, in the event your ex claims you are lying about what the children told you, or claiming that you coached them to say it.

                        Other than that, my best advice would be for you to reassure your children that they can tell you anything, and they will not get in trouble for it. If something is bothering them, they should always feel they can come to you for problem-solving assistance, not for criticism.

                        It's like the old thing about telling your kids never to get in a car with a driver who has been drinking. They should KNOW they can always call you at 2am to come get them, and you will do so, not yell at them for being out drinking.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                          Not really sure what to do....

                          A few of my concerns are

                          a) that my ex has basically my children are under threat to never tell me anything that happens when they are under her care. I can never reveal anything I know unless I know something corrective will come of it because it will just result in an escalation - more secrecy, more threats on the children.

                          b) I don't like the tape recording thing and I just did it to have something documented

                          c) I am worried to tell child protection and even a psychologist. The throwing knife incident can be interpreted as assault perhaps - do I want to open up that can of worms...

                          I am leaning towards bringing them to a psychologist but
                          a) She won't agree - can I bring them anyways on my time?
                          b) I guess I tell the psychologist my concerns but the psych can't tell my kids that he/she knows through me.

                          I have a cousin that is a child psychologist I am thinking I should ask....

                          I don't think the kids were trying to appease me, they don't really care - their answers were nuanced and they were saying "mommy loves us" so it wasn't a mommy bashing session... and sometimes they would say something and when I'd ask them to clarify it would end up being not as bad as they started off by saying.

                          The reality is probably:
                          -she threw a knife on purpose at my son
                          -she screams at them daily and occasionally she will bring them to tears due to the intensity.
                          The reason you're not sure what to do is that its very difficult to deal with these situations. You're generally torn between knowing that your ex deserves some right to privacy and raising her kids as she's sees fit and protecting your children from possible abuse.

                          First thing I would do is talk to your lawyer because certain things are specific to the terms in your custody order.

                          Second thing I would do (and did do with my own ex) was inform her that the kids are showing signs of stress and anxiety potential due to her conduct which is concerning you and if it continues, you will be taking action. This will result in one of two things 1) She'll be on notice and will start watching her behavior and being more careful or 2) She'll get significantly worse and you'll have more of a basis to call CPS and take further action. Its not fun to have to deal with this when you're worried about your kids and the potential of her escalating her behavior but the truth is that she's probably escalating anyway if this is actually what's going on.

                          You need to consider a couple things though. One, kids say things...and when they realize that there's conflict between two parents, they also can exaggerate...so try to take a step back and figure out if what they're saying is really based in reality or are you egging them on to exaggerate based on the fact that you obviously detest this woman. I'm not telling you to do this for your sake...I'm telling you to do it for their sake. Ultimately, if they're exaggerating this to gain favor with you and you take unnecessary action, the same thing can happen to you when you attempt to legitimately discipline them.

                          For instance, someone throwing a knife at their kid sounds literally nuts. Did that really happen or was there some other version of the story? Kids do exaggerate or make up stories. Its not unusual. So you saying "its reality" may or may not be true. Its really hard to say.

                          Seek legal advice, send her a note putting her on notice, and spend some time explaining to the kids what the difference between normal discipline (which she absolutely has the right to do) and abusive behavior is. One is none of your business and one you need to be informed of.

                          This isn't an easy issue to deal with...
                          Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 09-14-2014, 12:38 PM.

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                          • #14
                            Objectivity is crucial.

                            Because you are in a custody dispute, and calling CAS might be viewed as retaliation of some sort, I wonder if it would be better to ascertain validity of your concerns through the services of a qualified professional. If/when there is something of substance to warrant CAS involvement you can then have a chat with your lawyer while the psychologist contacts the appropriate child protection agency.

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                            • #15
                              was the knive actually thrown at the child or was she cutting something and slammed the knife on the counter?

                              The kids could be following your body language cues when they mention something bad about their mom. They see that you are liking what they are telling you so they embellish it more because they want to please you.

                              As for the tape recording, you could of said something to coach the kids to say it or something. Better for the kids if they tell someone in authority like a teacher. Look at LF32 and the "recording" his ex apparently made of him.

                              Comment

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