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  • New to site and newly seperated

    Hi my name is Chris,

    New to site and newly seperated. I had to leave my house because things were just getting too bad (I wont bore you with all the details). I have been a very involved father, I have a very close relationship emotionally with my kids, I have been there everyday of their lives. My wife now refuses to even consider 50-50 as she stayed home with the kids (4 and 6, both in school full time now) and considers herself the PCG (she is on disability). We are awaiting mediation and in the interum she has offered me 1 day a week and every other weekend. Do I have any options here?

  • #2
    Originally posted by calicodacat View Post
    Hi my name is XXXX,

    New to site and newly seperated. I had to leave my house because things were just getting too bad (I wont bore you with all the details). I have been a very involved father, I have a very close relationship emotionally with my kids, I have been there everyday of their lives. My wife now refuses to even consider 50-50 as she stayed home with the kids (4 and 6, both in school full time now) and considers herself the PCG (she is on disability). We are awaiting mediation and in the interum she has offered me 1 day a week and every other weekend. Do I have any options here?
    Hi Calicodacat:

    My recommendations to you in the immediate:

    1. You don't have to leave your home.

    2. You should return to reside at your rightful residence - the matrimonial home immediately and take up all the responsibilities that you would have if you were a SINGLE PARENT.

    3. Realize that false allegations of "domestic violence" and "child abuse" could be potentially made against you. You should be recording all your interactions with the other parent.

    Although I am not a fan of "the list" could someone please post the link for the OP. It is something he really needs to read end to end.

    Leaving the matrimonial home and abandoning your children is NOT a good idea. Waiting until mediation to establish an access schedule is NOT advised and you should have not left the home unless you had a signed agreement or court order for a 50-50 residential schedule and full joint custody.

    I would strong urge you to return to the matrimonial home!

    READ THIS NOW: http://forum.dadsdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=13374

    Be prepared for a pile of parents whom have made the mistake of leaving the matrimonial home and the children to come to this thread and lambaste you for doing this.

    Do you have a family law lawyer advising you on what you should be doing? If so, and they recommended you leave the matrimonial home, might I recommend you find a new lawyer immediately.

    Good Luck!
    Tayken

    Comment


    • #3
      She is now in a position where she can delay, obstruct, make excuses while you get more and more desperate, leading to you settle for being an alternate-weekend dad. Also, since you moved out, CS becomes an immediate issue.

      2 ways you can apply pressure on her to get out of this situation:
      - file a motion in court to ensure that the mediation doesn't drag
      - move back into the house (but protect yourself as Tayken describes)
      - make it explicit (email message, or registered letter) that you do NOT agree to her offer, and that for your kid's benefit, you expect to be a 50-50 parent.

      Find ways to EMBODY your belief in the 50-50 arrangement. Buy them clothes; in your limited time help with their homework, bathe them, stay in contact with their friends' parents and the school - don't just visit. It IS really hard not to start behaving/thing as the 'lesser' parent, and accepting her dictates.
      Last edited by dinkyface; 11-01-2013, 01:26 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
        She is now in a position where she can delay, obstruct, make excuses while you get more and more desperate, leading to you settle for being an alternate-weekend dad.

        2 ways you can apply pressure on her to get out of this situation:
        - file a motion in court to ensure that the mediation doesn't drag
        - move back into the house (but protect yourself as Tayken describes)
        - make it explicit (email message, or registered letter) that you do NOT agree to her offer, and that for your kid's benefit, you expect to be a 50-50 parent.
        In addition to dinkyface's always wise recommendations:

        - RETAIN COMPETENT LEGAL COUNSEL TO REPRESENT YOU.

        In the alternative where you can't afford a lawyer:

        - Start reading all the legislation, case law, legal books, parenting books, high conflict management books and other materials to be self represented.
        - Be prepared to make an investment of roughly 800-1000 hours of study and research to go it alone as an unrepresented litigant.

        If you are unwilling to educate yourself at the same level a lawyer and custody and access evaluator is you will be slaughtered as an unrepresented litigant. If you are unwilling to pay for a competent lawyer you will be slaughtered.

        As an unrepresented litigant you are expected to know the law as well as a lawyer, be a parent and be as educated and knowledgeable as a custody and access evaluator... It is no small task...

        Good Luck!
        Tayken
        Last edited by Tayken; 11-01-2013, 01:29 PM.

        Comment


        • #5
          It was an apartment but all the same. I have thought about this, it is not my preffered approach but if she insists I think this is the route I will take. She got me good, had her boyfriend call and threaten me and pushed me till I couldn't take it anymore. All is fair in love and war I guess. I really don't have much money so legal advice has been thin at best. Trying to cash in some rrsps to get a proper lawyer and advice.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by calicodacat View Post
            She got me good, had her boyfriend call and threaten me and pushed me till I couldn't take it anymore.
            Recorders are cheap. Buy one now. Keep it on you at all times. Stop talking on the phone and only email the other parent. You are not obligated to answer her phone calls. Let it go to voice mail then do this:

            1. Listen to the message and transcribe it fully. Every word exactly as spoken.
            2. Type it all into an email message to her.
            3. Respond like this (just an example):

            Dear Other_parents_name:

            Thank-you for your voice mail message you left for me at XX:XX AM on Day, Month, Year in which you explicitly stated the following:
            calicodacat you stupid idiot! You can't come around my house or my boyfriend will kick the living crap out of you! Stay away from us and my children! You have been warned!

            With regards to your voice mail message I kindly remind you that:

            1. My name is on the lease for our apartment, Unit XX, 123 Happy Street, City, Provice and as such I am permitted to attend at and reside at this location.

            2. Please kindly leave the expletives out of any future communications regardng our children in any emails, personal telephone calls, chance encounters and any other situation for which we may interact. I implore you to act in a corjual manner and especially in the presence of our children.

            3. Threats are inappropriate and should you leave another message in which you threaten physical violence against me either directly or by a third party I will bring this serious matter to Division XX of the Municipal_police_closest_to_your_home for further resolution.

            I hope all is well with you and look forward to improved communications.

            blah blah blah...

            I don't want to sound rude but, may I ask what your level of education is? This helps me focus my recommendations if disclosed properly. That way I gear my responses to your educational level. As well, better match what level you would write at. You don't want to sound overly educated as a judge may not like that your material is being ghost written.

            Good Luck!
            Tayken

            Comment


            • #7
              Being cordial is also recommended.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
                Being cordial is also recommended.
                And proper spelling, grammars and other improtant things like puncuation?

                Comment


                • #9
                  I am high school educated but have been in IT for the past 15 years, I work as the helpdesk rep for a courier company. Reading and writting skills are pretty good.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by calicodacat View Post
                    I am high school educated but have been in IT for the past 15 years, I work as the helpdesk rep for a courier company. Reading and writting skills are pretty good.
                    They were making fun of Tayken, who is in general a very good writer.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Move back now if you want ANY chance of 50/50.

                      It took me 19 months of living with my ex to get 50/50 she eventually settled two days before a long motion on the matter.

                      Write up a detailed and complete offer to settle.

                      Setup a 50/50 schedule in the house and live by it.

                      Protect your ass

                      My ex would bring her boyfriend(s) to the house to try and get me to do stupid things you MUST and I repeat MUST remain calm and collected at all times. Never raise your voice or react to anything. Keep the voice recorder running at all times you are at home. Start it before you arrive and after you leave.

                      If you want any chance of getting 50/50 you really need to do this NOW. You are in a very bad spot legally speaking.

                      Good Luck

                      FB

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Welcome to this wealth of knowledge and expertise.

                        I am recently separated as well and although you already have excellent advice from the "seniors" here ... I'll give you my take on things ...

                        1. Yes, get back into the apartment ASAP. and go back to being with your kids as you were before. If you want 50-50 then you need to continue being in their lives for 50% of the time at least.

                        2. My initial conversations with the ex were horrible. She couldn't go 5 mins without saying all kinds of horrible things about me and my family ... all lies. As soon as I brought out my phone to say that I would record the conversations, she stopped talking . Since then, all communication is over email - helps maintain a record of who said what and there is no issue of he-said / she-said. She has said some fairly interesting things over email as well which if I need to take to court, will certainly not help her.

                        3. Feel free to take pictures / videos / audio recordings of stuff around the home that may help you in your case. Also take pictures of yourself with the kids when you do stuff with them either at home or outside. They're good for your own memories and would come handy if needed.

                        4. Her BF has no right to be in your home ... if he comes there to fight with you, ask him to leave ... politely but if need be call the cops.

                        5. Do not get angry / fight with her about anything. No matter how much she gets on ur nerves. You as much as point a finger and it would be translated to "threatening violence". Just walk away, go to your room or get busy with the kids. Its short term pain for long term gain.

                        6. Engage anyone your kids come in contact with - daycare provider, school teacher / principal, friends etc and dont shy away from sharing your side of the story. If you're honest and you have indeed been a part of your kids' lives, theese people will get it and if it comes down to it, they will be your witnesses that will help prove that you are indeed deserving of the 50% custody.

                        In my case, almost 100% of the time I was the one taking the kids to their activities, preparing them for school and dropping them off to school / daycare etc. But ofcourse there is no proof of anything. Thats why pictures, references from the providers / other parents etc come handy.

                        Finally, court should be your last option. And quite often, once you have concrete evidence like the kind i mentioned above, the other party may realize that they would lose in court anyway and thus will step back.

                        Good luck!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ottawa_divorce_dad View Post
                          Welcome to this wealth of knowledge and expertise.

                          I am recently separated as well and although you already have excellent advice from the "seniors" here ... I'll give you my take on things ...

                          1. Yes, get back into the apartment ASAP. and go back to being with your kids as you were before. If you want 50-50 then you need to continue being in their lives for 50% of the time at least.

                          2. My initial conversations with the ex were horrible. She couldn't go 5 mins without saying all kinds of horrible things about me and my family ... all lies. As soon as I brought out my phone to say that I would record the conversations, she stopped talking . Since then, all communication is over email - helps maintain a record of who said what and there is no issue of he-said / she-said. She has said some fairly interesting things over email as well which if I need to take to court, will certainly not help her.

                          3. Feel free to take pictures / videos / audio recordings of stuff around the home that may help you in your case. Also take pictures of yourself with the kids when you do stuff with them either at home or outside. They're good for your own memories and would come handy if needed.

                          4. Her BF has no right to be in your home ... if he comes there to fight with you, ask him to leave ... politely but if need be call the cops.

                          5. Do not get angry / fight with her about anything. No matter how much she gets on ur nerves. You as much as point a finger and it would be translated to "threatening violence". Just walk away, go to your room or get busy with the kids. Its short term pain for long term gain.

                          6. Engage anyone your kids come in contact with - daycare provider, school teacher / principal, friends etc and dont shy away from sharing your side of the story. If you're honest and you have indeed been a part of your kids' lives, theese people will get it and if it comes down to it, they will be your witnesses that will help prove that you are indeed deserving of the 50% custody.

                          In my case, almost 100% of the time I was the one taking the kids to their activities, preparing them for school and dropping them off to school / daycare etc. But ofcourse there is no proof of anything. Thats why pictures, references from the providers / other parents etc come handy.

                          Finally, court should be your last option. And quite often, once you have concrete evidence like the kind i mentioned above, the other party may realize that they would lose in court anyway and thus will step back.

                          Good luck!
                          Sorry to say but this statement is totally inaccurate. If you ex's name is on the lease/ownership legally she can have anyone she chooses in the house and you cannot do anything about it.

                          I called the police one night after returning home to her bf in "our" house. The police asked if she was on title to the house. I said yes, they said we cannot do anything. They did ask him to leave and he did but a sergeant told me with a wink and a nod that I should go somewhere else for the night and I did. He said he had seen it too many times. Boyfriend leaves the two make up some story that you went nuts on her after the bf left and you end up in Jail.

                          The bf kept coming around a lot, I later found the best way of dealing with this was to become friends with the bf. The second I started talking and laughing with him she never brought him around again. Worked like a charm.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Well I think I've screwed myself good as I have already got another apartment, expecting she would let me have the kids half the time. I have given the 60 days notice at the last place and she will be moving January 1st (at her request). The agreement was that her mother would stay for a couple months with her and help her out so I could get established as we really don't have any money. The moment I left everything was off the table. We are both alcoholics (I am in recovery but she is still drinking), combine this with her medication and it makes for a very volatile situation. It was not good for the kids for us to be under the same roof. In the end I know I made a mistake for leaving but I think I did the right thing for the kids as I am now much more stable and of sound mind. I see my kids as much as I can and they will be coming over to my place for the weekend this weekend but what are the chances of me winning shared custody in court?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by calicodacat View Post
                              Well I think I've screwed myself good as I have already got another apartment, expecting she would let me have the kids half the time. I have given the 60 days notice at the last place and she will be moving January 1st (at her request). The agreement was that her mother would stay for a couple months with her and help her out so I could get established as we really don't have any money. The moment I left everything was off the table. We are both alcoholics (I am in recovery but she is still drinking), combine this with her medication and it makes for a very volatile situation. It was not good for the kids for us to be under the same roof. In the end I know I made a mistake for leaving but I think I did the right thing for the kids as I am now much more stable and of sound mind. I see my kids as much as I can and they will be coming over to my place for the weekend this weekend but what are the chances of me winning shared custody in court?
                              Where are you moving to? Where is she moving to? Where is the kids school?

                              You NEED a lawyer.

                              EDIT: Everything from this point forward will be done in the kids best interest. You need to focus on that.

                              Comment

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