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Long distance ex trying to get every other weekend

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  • Long distance ex trying to get every other weekend

    Hi there, my sons father lives approx 3 hours away and was not very interested in our son for most of his life even though I made every effort to build their relationship. My son is 11 years old. The past 18 months he's made more of an effort (even though he NEVER calls) and now because I'm taking him to court to increase support (he's been paying less than half of what he should = $192 as opposed to $700) he now wants him every other weekend and 5 weeks in the summer. The problem is that my son plays competitive sports (has for 5 years) which are a passion of his and if this were to happen then he would have to quit. Plus my son does not have a strong bond with his dad and does not wish to spend that much time with him.
    My problem is that I cannot afford a lawyer and he has one. What are the odds of him getting what he's requesting?

  • #2
    Originally posted by Kita22 View Post
    Hi there, my sons father lives approx 3 hours away and was not very interested in our son for most of his life even though I made every effort to build their relationship. My son is 11 years old. The past 18 months he's made more of an effort (even though he NEVER calls) and now because I'm taking him to court to increase support (he's been paying less than half of what he should = $192 as opposed to $700) he now wants him every other weekend and 5 weeks in the summer. The problem is that my son plays competitive sports (has for 5 years) which are a passion of his and if this were to happen then he would have to quit. Plus my son does not have a strong bond with his dad and does not wish to spend that much time with him.
    My problem is that I cannot afford a lawyer and he has one. What are the odds of him getting what he's requesting?
    Work out the sports thing. Maybe dad can bring them to some on his weekends.

    He's their father. He's telling you he'd like to have a relationship with his children. This is easy math. You have a duty as a parent to promote that relationship at all costs.

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    • #3
      I've already said that he can have him any weekend that our son doesn't have sports unless he can get him there prepared and on time. He doesn't like that.

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      • #4
        It can't be worked out that he can have him on the weekends he doesnt have sports?

        Or he refuses to take them to the his sporting events? Or both? How old is your son?

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        • #5
          Sports are optional recreational activities and they are less important than a child's relationship with his/her parent. Try to work out a schedule with Dad that allows Kid to take part in his activity, but if it comes down to a choice between seeing Dad and taking part in a practice or a game, Dad-time trumps. (Especially if Kid is 11 and hasn't had a great relationship with Dad - there's a lot of time to make up).

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          • #6
            Think of it from the kid's point of view though. Here's this man who was supposed to be his dad, but ignored him for many years of his life. Now, this stranger wants to come back and take the kid away from the sport he loves.

            Yes, it would be good for the boy to have a good relationship with his father, however late it is established. But a good relationship is not going to be established with that sort of reintroduction!

            The two parents need to work together to come up with some sort of reintroduction scheme that does not involve the child resenting the dad right from the start.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Rioe View Post
              Think of it from the kid's point of view though. Here's this man who was supposed to be his dad, but ignored him for many years of his life. Now, this stranger wants to come back and take the kid away from the sport he loves.

              Yes, it would be good for the boy to have a good relationship with his father, however late it is established. But a good relationship is not going to be established with that sort of reintroduction!

              The two parents need to work together to come up with some sort of reintroduction scheme that does not involve the child resenting the dad right from the start.
              Exactly my thoughts.

              This child is 11 and has established a life without his dad around.
              If it's a positive relationship, then that's great he's showing interest in your son. But the child shouldn't be giving things up to make it happen.
              That's dad's job.
              Dad should be coming to his son and fitting in to his life, not vice versa.
              Some trust needs to be established to start building a relationship that will benefit the child.

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              • #8
                Thank you.

                Since he was born it was always me trying to build the relationship between my son and his father and it was only up until last year that he started making some sort of effort. He would be within 20 minutes from my house sometimes and not come to see him. My son knows and has spent some time with his dad over the years but it's mostly because of me. He's getting old enough now to see that.

                Recently when I asked him to sit down and have an open dialogue with our son about why he doesn't want to spend more time with him his response was "whatever" and it hasn't happened. The numerous times over the years that I asked him to call our son more often than once a year his response was "He knows my number, if he want's to talk then he can call me". When I asked him not to let my son go jumping off 20 foot rocks into a lake without supervision (my son was the oldest one of the group) I was told that it was "f*cking bullsh*t and I should just keep him at home then".

                This is what I'm dealing with.

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                • #9
                  We don't know the full story. We've only received a clip-it from one side.

                  We don't know why there is three hours distance between the parents, just that it exists. The distance has created certain barriers to the parent/child relationship. Fault isn't the issue at this point as I gather the distance has been in existence for some time now. Now we need a remedy.

                  Having the child only go to visit their parent on weekends that they don't have activities isn't a reliable solution. It doesn't prevent the child from being registered in every activity under the sun in order to prevent the other parent from having parenting time. That said, I assume that the activity is not year round, so make-up time could be provided in the off-season. But that could create instances where the child and parent could go months without seeing each other, which will not facilitate their relationship.

                  I guess the first question is, what do the existing order provide in regards to parenting time? That would have to be known before we can really assist.

                  Parenting time is more important that activities. That the child already has a loose relationship with the other parent, it means they should be spending more time together in order to grow that bond, not less. Suggesting that the bond is weak, and that is a reason not to promote it over activities, only feeds the impression that you don't believe that a bond with the other parent is really all that important. Which couldn't be further from the truth.

                  I don't get the issue with not calling. I am not one call often. Hell, I call rarely. My kid and I text/FaceTime or call maybe 1-2 times a week, MAX. Hell, my parents haven't called in the past 3 months. Some people just aren't phone people. That doesn't make them bad parents.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Kita22 View Post
                    Thank you.

                    Since he was born it was always me trying to build the relationship between my son and his father and it was only up until last year that he started making some sort of effort. He would be within 20 minutes from my house sometimes and not come to see him. My son knows and has spent some time with his dad over the years but it's mostly because of me. He's getting old enough now to see that.

                    Recently when I asked him to sit down and have an open dialogue with our son about why he doesn't want to spend more time with him his response was "whatever" and it hasn't happened. The numerous times over the years that I asked him to call our son more often than once a year his response was "He knows my number, if he want's to talk then he can call me". When I asked him not to let my son go jumping off 20 foot rocks into a lake without supervision (my son was the oldest one of the group) I was told that it was "f*cking bullsh*t and I should just keep him at home then".

                    This is what I'm dealing with.
                    Nothing in here shows me that the other parent doesn't care. Not to make excuses for your ex, but he could have any number of reasons why he didn't pop over to see the child during your parenting time. As for the calling thing, it is quite true, that the child can also call him as well. Do you encourage the child to call his father, or do you leave the onus on the ex?

                    The passive aggressive backhanded attack to his parenting of asking him to sit down with the child and explain why he doesn't want to see him is as ridiculous as it sounds. If that were me, I'd be telling you where to go and the fastest mean on how to get there. That is an inappropriate comment, one that I hope you haven't told your child.

                    As for the cliff-diving, yeah, an adult should have been there, much like any time the kids are in water. That is just safe parenting. If the ex has shown a pattern of allowing the child to be unsupervised, then you may have legitimate concern. But if it is one instance, that isn't a pattern and won't get you much traction.

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                    • #11
                      My sons father and I have never lived together. We had a long distance relationship and broke up during my pregnancy.

                      My son plays single A hockey which he absolutely loves and has played for 4 years but it's never been an issue until now.

                      There is no existing access order as my sons father did not show up in court 10 years ago (he had a substance abuse issue which he has since kicked). I have family where he lives so for most of my sons life, I brought him to see his dad every free weekend and more often in the summer even though I did not have to. Last year I asked him if he would like his son every other week in the summer and he agreed and then cancelled on him half the time to go to Saskatchewan to see his girlfriend.

                      He calls his son ONCE A YEAR but claims to want build a better relationship.

                      I agree that a relationship with a father is extremely important (which is why I tried all these years) but not at the cost of my sons happiness and emotional well being, especially since it was never a priority to his dad until now after I am trying to increase support.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by OntarioMomma View Post
                        Exactly my thoughts.

                        This child is 11 and has established a life without his dad around.
                        If it's a positive relationship, then that's great he's showing interest in your son. But the child shouldn't be giving things up to make it happen.
                        That's dad's job.
                        Dad should be coming to his son and fitting in to his life, not vice versa.
                        Some trust needs to be established to start building a relationship that will benefit the child.
                        This is wrong-headed thinking. It is BOTH parents who have an obligation to facilitate the relationship with the other parent. Just because one parent has not had the best relationship with the child doesn't mean they all the sudden bear more responsibility to make it better.

                        And yes, as kids we all had to give up certain activities due to our parents lives. That is called life.

                        And as mentioned in an earlier post, we don't know what the current order provides or why the distance exists. Those two factors will weigh greatly on any real advise we can give.

                        Just because one side of the story says the relationship isn't great, doesn't mean we take it at full value. Especially when the solution to the comment is self-serving.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Kita22 View Post
                          I agree that a relationship with a father is extremely important (which is why I tried all these years) but not at the cost of my sons happiness and emotional well being, especially since it was never a priority to his dad until now after I am trying to increase support.
                          You realize that the increased parenting time will have no impact on the amount of support you would receive. I hope your ex realizes it too.

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                          • #14
                            For years I've even begged him to try some sort of mediation to work out our issues, even going so far as requesting HIS father as the mediator. He flat out refused and said that he didn't care if he had to live with this the rest of his life.

                            I've tried every possible way I could think of over the years to get them to have a better relationship. During that time my son and I built a life that he enjoys and I'm sorry, I don't believe he should have to pay for his fathers mistakes.

                            Most of our communication has always been through texts and I've kept the past 4 years. I have record of it all.

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Kita22 View Post
                              For years I've even begged him to try some sort of mediation to work out our issues, even going so far as requesting HIS father as the mediator. He flat out refused and said that he didn't care if he had to live with this the rest of his life.

                              I've tried every possible way I could think of over the years to get them to have a better relationship. During that time my son and I built a life that he enjoys and I'm sorry, I don't believe he should have to pay for his fathers mistakes.

                              Most of our communication has always been through texts and I've kept the past 4 years. I have record of it all.
                              I am not saying that you won't be somewhat successful should this end up in court. I am saying that the ex will get some parenting time, and it may not be entirely convenient to you or the kid. In lieu of weekends during hockey season, he may receive 1/2 the summer, each March Break and 1/2 of Christmas Break (heck, they may get that anyway). Alternatively, they may get every long weekend and some combination of the above.

                              How all this goes down will depend on what you are willing to sacrifice. The ex will almost certainly get some sort of parenting time. You can either try to negotiate something where the ex gets some sort of combination of weekends/breaks listed above in exchange for having 1 weekend a month during hockey season. Hockey season would have to be fairly well defined as to not allow it become year-round hockey season.

                              Unless the child is likely going to be drafted into the NHL, the courts will likely see that the relationship with the ex is more important than hockey. That the ex was a douchebag for years is now irrelevant because it looks like they have now saw the light, no matter what you believe the reasoning behind it is. It's never to late to try and fix old mistakes.

                              Comment

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