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If I pick her up from camp he will call the cops!!

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  • If I pick her up from camp he will call the cops!!

    My ex started a new job which conflicts with the daycamp schedule. Since he starts his job earlier than the extended care available, I have arranged to meet him at 7am and 5:30 on his days in order to get our daughter to camp. This is his first week of work, so I was unaware of the need for this arrangement, and have a doctors appointment at 4:40. I suggested I pick up our child at 4 (when daycamp ends), take her with me to the appointment, and hopefully I will be back to drop her off to him at 5:30, but I may be late.

    He is angry and threatening to call the cops.

    Its not like I could foresee this problem. I tried to cancel my appointment, but they said there would be a $60 fee even if I reschedule. I can't leave my 5 year old at camp, they expect someone to pick her up at 4, and I said I would be there when I thought I could cancel my appointment this morning.

    Do I call his bluff and go get her? I'm not doing this to stir the pot, but I cant suck up a $60 charge just becasue he is being unreasonable. What if he showed up later than 5:30 to meet me due to an accident or traffic, would I call the cops? absolutely not!

    Anyone been in this situation before?

  • #2
    This is his day with her on the schedule, he is responsible for her care.

    He rightly offered you first refusal for childcare/pickup, but you are unable to fill in. If he is unwilling to accomodate your appointment, he therefore should be paying a babysitter to go and pick up the child, notifying the camp of the additional person who is authorized to pick up on that date.

    I don't for a second think he is being reasonable, but I think your best recourse is just to say "OK, you have to find a sitter for that day then" and withdraw from the conversation. When I do that with my ex when she is being like that, she ends up calling back and accomodating me. Or very rarely she will call her sister to do it, but I still have ROFR for the future.

    On other days you should remind him of right of first refusal. I forget, but I think you have that worked in?

    Comment


    • #3
      no, we dont have it worked in. He is making this all my fault. He refuses to pay the extra money for extended care, and insists that becasue it cost more than what her old daycare costs, that I should have to pay the extra $60 a week. I can afford another 140 a month, especially when my CS is going up by another $150 once he provides a paystub!

      Yes, it is his day, but he is just going to make this all my fault. I just dont want to leave my kid there thinking she has been ababndoned. I told her I was coming to get her.

      So if I go pick her up, as a responsible parent would do, what is the court going to think of it? Are the cops actually going to come? Am I in trouble because its not "my day"? What if I left her at camp and nobody showed up to get her? isnt that neglect??

      Comment


      • #4
        The cops won't charge you, but certainly document your messages to him that you picked up the child as required because there was no extended care. Text would probably be good to show a cop on the spot if your ex is stupid enough to call them.

        A court would see that your ex called the cops unnecessarily and you were ensuring that your child wasn't abandoned, or that you weren't charged an arm and a leg by the daycare.

        Comment


        • #5
          ok, then if he doesnt arrange to be there for 4 I will pick her up. He is obviously being unreasonable and creating conflict. And I am just trying to make sure someone gets her!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Mess View Post
            The cops won't charge you, but certainly document your messages to him that you picked up the child as required because there was no extended care. Text would probably be good to show a cop on the spot if your ex is stupid enough to call them.

            A court would see that your ex called the cops unnecessarily and you were ensuring that your child wasn't abandoned, or that you weren't charged an arm and a leg by the daycare.
            And... that the other parent in the matter was unable to make the appropriate child care arrangements in the child's "best interests" potentially. If the other parent does call the police it only further supports the argument you are presenting about the unnecessary conflict the other parent is creating in the matter.

            Don't let the other project their problems on to you and make it "all your fault" that they cannot make simple arrangements for child care and by all means don't take their hostility personally. This is a common tactic of highly conflicted people to make these kinds of idol threats to "gain control".

            Good Luck!
            Tayken

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            • #7
              thanks Mess and Tayken. His creating conflict is obvious. Who calls the cops because you are late dropping the kid off? Especially when you let them know you are late and give them a heads up!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                thanks Mess and Tayken. His creating conflict is obvious. Who calls the cops because you are late dropping the kid off? Especially when you let them know you are late and give them a heads up!
                Answer: A highly conflicted individual. In fact, it is quite a common pattern of behaviour of someone who is this highly conflicted. They will threaten, call the police and serve baseless contempt motions in an attempt to create fear, obligation and guilt in the other parent.

                Any opportunity to create conflict, even on minor details like this, they will try to create conflict. They will step on your parenting time, make last minute requests and create unnecessary "emergencies" which they try to "sell" as being "all your fault".

                Comment


                • #9
                  yup. I asked to have one of his Sunday's and he gave it to me. Sceduled daughter's 6th birthday party for that day, so that her best friend (my BFs daughter could come). He then took it back, on the same day I had delivered the invitations to all her daycare friends.

                  So now her best friend cant come to her birthday (bf's ex wont let her come since its on "her" weekend) and I had to take back all of the invites and look like an ass. Even worse, he actually told our daughter he took the time back, knowing that her friend would not be able to come. How do you think my 6 year old feels about that?

                  My BF and I are both dealing with highly conflicted individuals, and it is pure hell. Wish i could set up our exes, maybe then they would fight each other!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                    Answer: A highly conflicted individual. In fact, it is quite a common pattern of behaviour of someone who is this highly conflicted. They will threaten, call the police and serve baseless contempt motions in an attempt to create fear, obligation and guilt in the other parent.

                    Any opportunity to create conflict, even on minor details like this, they will try to create conflict. They will step on your parenting time, make last minute requests and create unnecessary "emergencies" which they try to "sell" as being "all your fault".
                    A person who is high conflict is not thinking about the other person at all, period. They are thinking about themselves. Not how to create fear and guilt in the other parent.

                    To the high conflict individual, it is all about deflecting responsibility from themselves.

                    If they were thinking at all about you, the other parent, or the child, this behaviour would not take place in the first place.

                    So, stop reacting to them as if they were reasonable, they are not. They are going to create conflict every time.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by frustratedwithex View Post
                      A person who is high conflict is not thinking about the other person at all, period. They are thinking about themselves. Not how to create fear and guilt in the other parent.
                      I disagree and rely upon Eddy, Lawson, and others counter to your opinion.

                      Candidly summed up recently here:

                      More Thoughts on FOG, Hoovers and No Contact When Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic and/or Sociopath | Shrink4Men

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Bring a copy of your court orders, as well as the email communication chain with the ex and put them in an envelope in the glove compartment.

                        If he is stupid enough to call the police, you have that stuff handy. Don't forget to get the officer's names/badge numbers and request they provide you the incident file # once they complete the paperwork.

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                        • #13
                          He is threatening to call the cops because you are not going to be able to drop off the child at 5.30pm as scheduled. What a silly man. Has he no idea how distressing involving police officers may be for the child?

                          My ex always involved the police to deal with each and every issue. He never saw or thought about the negative impact that this was having on the children.

                          You've done all the right things by contacting him and explaining why there might be a delay.

                          As posters above have stated, make sure you have a copy of the message you sent him explaining why you are going to be late close at hand and copies of all court orders.
                          Last edited by Nadia; 07-31-2012, 06:33 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                            I disagree and rely upon Eddy, Lawson, and others counter to your opinion.

                            Candidly summed up recently here:

                            More Thoughts on FOG, Hoovers and No Contact When Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic and/or Sociopath | Shrink4Men
                            This is a great article. Thank you for posting another great link.

                            I still stand by what I know to be true. A reasonable person will stop the behaviour after you tell them it is hurtful or causing some other stress. A high conflict person does not stop. They don't stop because the other persons feelings are not important. Deflecting the blame off them is important. Thats why they do it.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft


                              The part where it goes into post separation and legal behaviour is a real eye opener.Im sure much of this could be applied to abusive women as well but while the sex is different -in abusers ,the pattern is often the same.This can be downloaded pdf off a lot of websites for free,all you need is google :-)
                              Last edited by murphyslaw; 07-31-2012, 09:10 PM. Reason: adding more data

                              Comment

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