Hi -
Wanted to do an intro and get some advice.
I am late 30s father of two, seperated for 2+ years. We split custody of two kids 11 + 14 50/50. We were together ~12 years. Wife initiated the seperation, but in retrospect I am much happier and hopeful now that we are seperated. I know it does not matter in the eyes of the law, or in many peoples assesment, but there were fidelity issues and that was really hard for me to deal with in the marriage, and during the initial seperation. As I said, I am better now, learned a lot through the pain!
We own two houses, each live in one, and I pay the mortgages on both, as well as other expenses. We get along pretty well, and there is no active animosity. The kids are doing really well, student council / president / honour roll etc...
We have been ostriching a bit on the divorce proceedings for all the normal reasons (fear, uncertainty, etc...). We have made some initial progress, and I am hopeful it will not be a battle zone. We intend to use a mediator to help us through the process.
In the last couple of years the finances have taken a hit, but I am in a decent position now. I do have a bunch of backlog (taxes, etc...) to deal with that I am having trouble finding the time and energy to get to. I want to deal with it soon though, as it is getting ridiculous and I am stressing about it a bit. I think I was able to not be too stressed about it during the initial chaos of seperation, but things are more normal now, and I need to deal.
I am open to any advice, and will appreciate and consider it all. I am looking for support from others who have gone through the process and survived. At times I am scared.
I am trying to come to terms with the "system". On one hand, so much of it seems ridiculous and unfair, but on the other hand I do want my kids to be in a stable environment and if I won the lottery tomorrow I would gladly share with my XW... and clearly I know I am on the hook for something, possibly a lot!
One thing I am wondering is has anyone worked out an arrangement that is "outside" the system but works better for both parties. I do know some couples who have seperated who have agreed to terms that seem more fair than what the the system dictates, and I wonder how prevalent that is, and how to do it. I would imagine there would always be an ongoing liability for both parties in that anything agreed to could be undone at any time by the other party and then it could be a real can of worms. I think the risk might be worth it, as I do think we care for each other, and do not intend any harm or injustice on the other.
I am possibly naive, but I do think my XW will be reasonable and open to an arrangement that is more fair than unfair. I just do not know where to start with that, as it seems all of the actors in the "system" as commited to the "system", even while acknowledging that is often unfair.
And my wife is not that financially sophisticated, which sucks, because she will need help from others throughout the process, and they may not be open to alternatives. She is reasonably frugal and responsible though.
I want to be clear that I do not want to be unfair to my XW or children. I value most of the time we had together as a couple, the kids are great, and I really value (I think we both do) not being in an hateful / fighting situation.
So that is my sad, honest state / story.
Thanks in advance for words of support or 2x4s that I need to be hit with. I want to clean up this mess and move on, I really do, and I need help.
Thanks,
Wanted to do an intro and get some advice.
I am late 30s father of two, seperated for 2+ years. We split custody of two kids 11 + 14 50/50. We were together ~12 years. Wife initiated the seperation, but in retrospect I am much happier and hopeful now that we are seperated. I know it does not matter in the eyes of the law, or in many peoples assesment, but there were fidelity issues and that was really hard for me to deal with in the marriage, and during the initial seperation. As I said, I am better now, learned a lot through the pain!
We own two houses, each live in one, and I pay the mortgages on both, as well as other expenses. We get along pretty well, and there is no active animosity. The kids are doing really well, student council / president / honour roll etc...
We have been ostriching a bit on the divorce proceedings for all the normal reasons (fear, uncertainty, etc...). We have made some initial progress, and I am hopeful it will not be a battle zone. We intend to use a mediator to help us through the process.
In the last couple of years the finances have taken a hit, but I am in a decent position now. I do have a bunch of backlog (taxes, etc...) to deal with that I am having trouble finding the time and energy to get to. I want to deal with it soon though, as it is getting ridiculous and I am stressing about it a bit. I think I was able to not be too stressed about it during the initial chaos of seperation, but things are more normal now, and I need to deal.
I am open to any advice, and will appreciate and consider it all. I am looking for support from others who have gone through the process and survived. At times I am scared.
I am trying to come to terms with the "system". On one hand, so much of it seems ridiculous and unfair, but on the other hand I do want my kids to be in a stable environment and if I won the lottery tomorrow I would gladly share with my XW... and clearly I know I am on the hook for something, possibly a lot!
One thing I am wondering is has anyone worked out an arrangement that is "outside" the system but works better for both parties. I do know some couples who have seperated who have agreed to terms that seem more fair than what the the system dictates, and I wonder how prevalent that is, and how to do it. I would imagine there would always be an ongoing liability for both parties in that anything agreed to could be undone at any time by the other party and then it could be a real can of worms. I think the risk might be worth it, as I do think we care for each other, and do not intend any harm or injustice on the other.
I am possibly naive, but I do think my XW will be reasonable and open to an arrangement that is more fair than unfair. I just do not know where to start with that, as it seems all of the actors in the "system" as commited to the "system", even while acknowledging that is often unfair.
And my wife is not that financially sophisticated, which sucks, because she will need help from others throughout the process, and they may not be open to alternatives. She is reasonably frugal and responsible though.
I want to be clear that I do not want to be unfair to my XW or children. I value most of the time we had together as a couple, the kids are great, and I really value (I think we both do) not being in an hateful / fighting situation.
So that is my sad, honest state / story.
Thanks in advance for words of support or 2x4s that I need to be hit with. I want to clean up this mess and move on, I really do, and I need help.
Thanks,
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