Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Divorce Guilt?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Divorce Guilt?

    Feeling Guilty You Got Divorced? Here?s What You Can Do About It - Judith Ruskay Rabinor, Phd. | Judith Ruskay Rabinor, Phd.

    Divorce guilt? of course not - I'm good with getting rid of the worthless son of a %$@# and should have filed for divorce years ago...

    Now for some truth - people will say in public that their divorce was justified and in most cases it was, but for many of us the simple act of turning away from a person that we once loved is not only complicated, it can be emotionally gut-wrenching.

    Most of us being caring, loving people, it's only natural that at some unconscious level we harbor guilt feelings towards our former spouses. After almost 2 years of separation I still worry (secretly) whenever I hear that the Ex is not doing well. Perhaps a part of me will always be concerned for his welfare - I think that's normal regardless of what lead to the divorce.

    There's also the guilt of breaking up the family structure for our children ... this is not what was supposed to happen, what about the extended family, grand-parents who's feelings are hurt - add all this to the melting pot and yes ... more guilt!

    Depression risk higher for divorced men: Statistics Canada - Technology & Science - CBC News

    Is it any wonder that so many suffer from depression directly caused by divorce and all the uncertainty associated with the process? To think that we have to have all our wits about us (legally) at a time when we are at our worst?

  • #2
    "Research has suggested that for men the loss of custody or a change in parental responsibilities is one of the most stressful aspects of a break-up," the study said.

    Good to know that in most cases it's really not all about the money is it?

    Comment


    • #3
      The loss of social support during a break-up "may be particularly difficult for men. Many men rely solely on their partner for support, while women tend to have larger social networks," wrote study author Michelle Rotermann of the agency's health analysis and measurement group.
      A break-up means not only the loss of a partner but also a division in the size of a social network of extended family and mutual friends.
      I am not sure where this comes from?

      Take a person's kids away we'll see how happy they are.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Links17 View Post
        I am not sure where this comes from?

        Take a person's kids away we'll see how happy they are.
        Apparently from Judith Ruskay who happens to be a PhD.....there you have it.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
          I am not sure where this comes from?

          Take a person's kids away we'll see how happy they are.
          Both parents suffer with the loss of parenting time - there's equality at least in that aspect of it. I think what the study is implying is perhaps that women have a better social network to deal with the emotional pain that shared parenting can cause?

          Men will usually keep this hurt inside in my opinion, which may contribute to depression in some cases.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Links17 View Post
            The loss of social support during a break-up "may be particularly difficult for men. Many men rely solely on their partner for support, while women tend to have larger social networks," wrote study author Michelle Rotermann of the agency's health analysis and measurement group.
            A break-up means not only the loss of a partner but also a division in the size of a social network of extended family and mutual friends.
            I am not sure where this comes from?
            I take it with a grain of salt. The word "support" is a euphemism for love.

            Regardless, I think some divorced folks should feel guilty. Both men and women break wedding vows and I belive doing so is a bad thing.

            Comment


            • #7
              Both men and women break wedding vows and I belive doing so is a bad thing.
              Meh, I disagree. I think some people need to get divorced and should have never gotten married in the first place.

              I don't feel a guilty for anything except that I subjected my kids to a bad marriage for far longer than I should have.

              Comment


              • #8
                Maybe more accurate and in line with the general consensus that divorce is last ditch resolution so while not ideal isn't bad.

                Cheating however or being dishonest is what is "bad".

                Comment


                • #9
                  The loss of social support during a break-up "may be particularly difficult for men. Many men rely solely on their partner for support, while women tend to have larger social networks,"

                  -- Woman have a larger 'social network' just means we have MANY BEST FRIENDS, while for most men their spouse is their only BEST Friend.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                    Originally posted by AnarX View Post
                    Regardless, I think some divorced folks should feel guilty. Both men and women break wedding vows and I belive doing so is a bad thing.
                    Meh, I disagree. I think some people need to get divorced and should have never gotten married in the first place.

                    I don't feel a guilty for anything except that I subjected my kids to a bad marriage for far longer than I should have.
                    I think he meant the guilt is about breaking the vows, not about the divorce itself.

                    How about getting divorced first instead of breaking the marriage vows? I know I would have been a lot better off overall had my ex told me years earlier that he wasn't truly happy anymore and wanted a divorce instead of concealing it and cheating on me.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quote from the article that I thought was very important (and expressed by a Justice in case law):
                      It’s never too late to apologize.

                      From the Very Honourable Madame Justice Mossip:

                      [78] If it can be of any assistance to the parties in the future, I do think at times there is too much communication between them especially, via e-mail and even the log book. Once something is in writing, and the “send” button is pressed, the words cannot be taken back. Sometimes, a quick phone call, or a conversation in person would be less wearisome than lengthy e-mails expressing more than is necessary about the point at issue. I dare say, each of the parties could use a “tune-up” to make sure there are no individual issues that are interfering with their ability to carry on forward in the healthiest way possible as to how they relate to each other, and which could perhaps be assisted with personal counselling. That effort would be a great gift to the_Child. I also know that unconditional apologies, accepting responsibility for harm done, go a long way in the healing process and may help these parties move on.
                      Van Rassel v. Van Rassel, 2008 CanLII 37217 (ON SC)
                      Date: 2008-07-23
                      Docket: FS-06-04395-00
                      Parallel citations: 61 RFL (6th) 343
                      URL: CanLII - 2008 CanLII 37217 (ON SC)
                      Citation: Van Rassel v. Van Rassel, 2008 CanLII 37217 (ON SC)

                      Something to ponder...

                      Good Luck!
                      Tayken

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Being able to apologize is freedom, relieves you from the pressure of always having to be right and accepting that you have and will make mistakes, it's wonderful.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                          Being able to apologize is freedom, relieves you from the pressure of always having to be right and accepting that you have and will make mistakes, it's wonderful.
                          That's the truth of it, regardless of what lead to the divorce, both parties contributed to the pandemonium. Forgiving the Ex is one thing - forgiving ourselves is just as important and I agree with ^^^ it is liberating.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Unfortunately, depending on who you're dealing with, apologizing may not always be the best thing to do. If you're dealing within someone who engages in "splitting", an apology is taken as evidence that you have come to agree with them and you recognize that you are completely wrong in every way.

                            I made the mistake of apologizing to the ex for a mistake on my part - renewing our daughter's gymnastics classes without checking with him first - and got a series of tirades along the lines of how it's about time I recognized my disgusting controlling behavior and that this was just one symptom of what a terrible human being I am. To me, an apology was an acknowledgement that I made a mistake, and won't do it again; to him, it was vindication that I really am as horrific as he wants to believe me to be.

                            So no more apologies, no more signs of anything that could be taken as weakness. This doesn't sit entirely right with me, as I don't believe that I'm infallible and will never make mistakes, but I don't think I'm dealing with someone who can accept an apology for what it is.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Okay, just reread the original post, and it's talking about apologies for what went wrong in the marriage, not the post-marriage issues.

                              In many ways, I would like to be able to apologize for what I think I contributed to the failure of our marriage - I know there are things I wish I had done differently and things that hurt him, even though I didn't realize it at the time. But I don't think I ever will, for the reasons in my post above. Similarly, even if the ex were to offer some sort of apology, I don't think I would believe him. Maybe ten years from now we can have that kind of honest conversation.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X