Changing drop off point

[NeverGreen]

Have a question and Im hoping that there is some good advice to be had on this forum,

My sons mother asked me to trade days with her because she wouldn't be able to facilitate the exchange on her end. Her offer didn't work for me (the day she offered in lieu Im busy, and she refuses to give me a day the week after, even though I said she could pick the day), so now shes trying to force the situation.

She says that its my responsibility to have our child back in her care at the usual time, except she wont be at the usual dropoff point, shes going to be about a half hour away.

I explained that since I had not agreed to a switch, that nothing changes, and that she didn't need to be there to facilitate the exchange, but she needs to have someone else there to do it.

So now shes told me that I have to have him at the place she will be to drop him off or Im breaking the court order.

I do have this all on email (I have a custody evaluation highlighting significant interpersonal problems, she really is a handful), and I don't want to fight about it, however I think Ive been more than reasonable allowing her to pick a day that works for her the week after.

Before anyone suggests it, keeping the child late will not be an option, its her way or the highway.

Advice pls?

[Janibel]

For the sake of the child, your sanity and world peace -- perhaps you could do what the Ex wants just for this time just to avoid WW3? If she pulls a stunt like this again, then ... you draw a line in the sand.

You don't want to be a push-over yet if she is being stubborn is it worth going to court over? One of you has to be the reasonable one --- I guess it's you. Your child notices.

[Rioe]

Simple things get hugely complicated once you're divorced. If she's unable to pick up the child at the normal time, ask when she will be able to do so, and keep the child a bit later. Or a whole day later, whatever works best for you both.

Why does she prefer to have the child at a weird location where she's still busy than at a later time? On the surface, that seems illogical.

But for now, I would suggest a compromise that you will have the child at the normal drop off spot at the normal time, and if she can't be there, you would be fine with driving the child the extra half hour to where she will be. You get an extra half hour with the child, even if it is spent in the car, and she gets the child brought to her nonstandard location.

[Serene]

Keeping your child later is always an option - if you want it to be. Think about what your saying.... mom can't be where she needs to be and you are trying to force the issue anyhow...and you "can't" keep the kid late but that is "just the way it is"?

Get over it already - be flexible and accommodating. There are many ways to achieve a positive end state. Just do it already.

[Berner_Faith]

I assume it is Mom that is saying you can't keep the child late and instead have to drop the child off at the regular time but at a different location.

I would honestly respond and say that you will meet her at the drop off location at a time that works for her, even if it is later. If she wants the child on time, she needs to be there.

We have been in this situation and drove the children to Mom and then she expected it every time. If Mom can't make it at the specified time then she is the one that needs to be flexible for a later time.

Is this the first time she has requested this?

[NeverGreen]

This is not the first time, and it is becoming a problem.

Her stance is that since there is no drop off point written in our court order, that I have to have him to her at the end of my parenting time wherever she is.

Im not trying to start a fight, but again, you have to take a stand somewhere.

I have informed her she has a responsibility to honor the court order, and that if she cant be there, all she needs to do is have someone else there to receive the child. She refuses to have someone else there, and has simply told me that I have to have the child to her or Im breaking the court order.

Rioe - Shes extremely vindictive and likes to cause illogical problems for no other reason than to inconvenience me.

Serene - I offered to keep the kid until she could pick him up, she insists I have him to her by the regular time.

Berner Faith - You nailed it. Her point is that since theres no drop off written in the court order, that she basically becomes the drop off point, regardless of where she is.

[mcdreamy]

Exactly what does your order say when it comes to the handover?

Obviously, the best scenario for all is there be no parent-to-parent handover, and all exchanges take place at school/day care. Is that a possibility in the future for you as your access increases? How far away are you from the cp/residence/school of kidlet?

Failing that, I would think in a reasonable world, each parent would be responsible to pick up the kidlet at the commencement of their respective time.

If this is becoming an ongoing issue, and you wish to clarify moving forward, I would suggest you send an email confirming she has 2 choices, (Option 1) same time, same place or (Option 2) pick up when she can at your residence; let her know if you haven't received written email confirmation by noon tomorrow from her that she has chosen #1, you will presume she has chosen 2 and look forward to seeing her tomorrow evening at your residence, where kidlet will be ready and waiting for her.

^of course, I wouldn't send that email unless I had kidlet currently in my house for access. And then be prepared for the proverbial sh*storm but I agree with you, I think you and she need to come to mutually agreeable terms with handovers. There are many many more in your future.

eta: nevergreen, none of us are lawyers, so you are just receiving random advice from strangers on the net. Have you thought about asking yours on Monday morning how best to clarify handovers, in the future? It might be a worthwhile investment to have this agreed to for the future. We always did our own pickups, so this was an issue I never had to consider.

[NeverGreen]

I understand none of you are lawyers, I appreciate the advice all the same because when every individual problem takes an hour of your lawyers time, it starts costing a lot to deal with the other party.

I had been picking the kid up from daycare, thats in the order. However there was nothing about dropping him off, so I had been driving him to her house because she doesnt drive.

Quite simply, shes had it pretty good, and she likes to abuse the court order when she feels she can get away with it. Im awaiting the day when I can drop off at the daycare too, I really am. Some exchanges she flys off the handle.

In a nut shell, she said she couldnt be there for the exchange, gave me two choices that didnt work for me, and then basically said I had to deal with it. Im trying to draw a line in the sand, but I dont want it to backfire on me in court. I would think a judge would see that she is being unreasonable, but I dont feel like finding out the hard way.

Appreciate everyones advice so far.

[Links17]

I guess you haven't been to court yet for the final settlement for custody?

If it were me, I would just take advantage.

Discuss it with her via email, expose her unreasonable attitude via questions comments in email. Mention to her that there is an already established practice and you should both respect and that you aren't at her whim to follow her (say it nicely). At the end relent to her unreasonable demands explaining why it is a major issue to you.

Sometimes, I tell my ex - sure go head "I'll just show this to a judge" and it changes her attitude.

When it comes to court time, just ask for a set place/time and mention how it caused problems in the past, provide emails as proof if needed.

You don't need to always draw lines in the sand, let judges do that - it is one of the beautiful things about divorce is you can just get a judge to tell your ex she is an idiot.