Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

My husband sent me a text saying he wants a divorce

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • My husband sent me a text saying he wants a divorce

    Hi all,

    I'm very happy to have found this site. I am feeling extremely lost and like I have no one to talk to about this.

    I am 35 years old with 2 kids, one with special needs. They are young - 3 and 1 years old.

    I have been married for 6 years. It's been rocky. I don't want to get into all of my husband's short comings, but we have slept on separate floors for 2 years, and it's a struggle to get along. Most of the time we are so tired from work, the house, and taking care of the kids that we just don't interact. I'm often too tired to fight so when he does something stupid, hurtful or careless, I just ignore it because I don't have the energy to fight.

    Yesterday I took the kids out for a play date and I get a picture boxes of toys I had purchased for Christmas from my husband. It's accompanied by a nasty message saying he is sick to death of all of the junk in our house and he can't live like this and wants a divorce. He doesn't want to live with me anymore, and doesn't want to live with our children anymore.

    I purposely remained calm in my texts, and he just fired off at me going off about how I'm a slob, criticizing my family, and my parenting skills.

    I asked him if he was serious about wanting a divorce and he said yes.

    I work full time (he doesn't right now), so I told him to leave the house and my mom will watch the kids later in the week.

    He FREAKED out and sent my very kind and supportive mom a text message basically telling her to stay out of this.

    She had no clue what he was talking about, so she called me and I filled her in. She was livid at what he had done and was very kind to me and told me her and my dad would help me through this.

    This all happened yesterday and we have not spoke. My husband is still in the house and refuses to leave. He is now saying he DOES want to live with the kids and if I leave he will fight me for custody.

    I truly don't care that my husband wants to leave me. If it was just me, I'd be happy and feel free. It just breaks my heart that he couldn't give a shit about the kids. I am also worried how I am going to raise two kids by myself. How will I have enough time or money for both of them?

    I also refuse to allow him joint custody. He can't financially support them (he could only afford a small condo without me), and he drinks way too much. plus I think they are too young for the back and forth that would come with joint custody.

    Today my mom, who is normally amazing, sent me a text telling me that I "have to figure this out". I have not confided in her about just how devastated I am, and I think she's annoyed at how juvenile my husband is. She's clearly fed up, and I don't blame her.

    I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I have an appointment with a lawyer, and I'm trying to get into see my counselor (I go solo - my husband refuses to go).

    I don't know if I should pack up the kids and go to my parents house, or if I should stand my ground and wait for him to leave. (I can afford our house on my own - he cannot).

    I'm sorry for such a huge ramble. My head is just spinning and I don't know where to go from here.

    I've never felt so lost, hurt, stressed, betrayed and confused.

    Thank you to anyone who read this.

  • #2
    Lets take a deep breath here.

    Perhaps you need to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk. He has alcohol issues and is unemployed. These are big stressors and can cause animosity. Plus you sound like you have had a great deal on your plate and carry resentment. Perhaps it might be time to speak to a marriage counselor first. See if you both can work through some of the issues and get your life back on track.

    If that won’t work, you have to start getting your head around NOT thinking you get to dictate to him on what your divorce will be. You cant simply say he cant have the kids. He will fight for it. Plus you need to think long term in the best interest of the kids.

    Speak with your counselor and the lawyer and get a good grasp on what could and what will happen. If you absolutely cannot stay married to this man then divorce is a reality. You will however have to continue to co parent with him and you don’t get to dictate how that will happen. He is their father and has rights to their care as well.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      I work full time (he doesn't right now), so I told him to leave the house and my mom will watch the kids later in the week.
      You have no right to tell him to leave. In fact, this was a mistake and will be used against you. He has equal right to reside and live in the home. He also in accordance with Rule 20.(1) of the CLRA is a joint custodial parent.

      20 (1) Except as otherwise provided in this Part, a child’s parents are equally entitled to custody of the child. 2016, c. 23, s. 2 (1).
      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      He FREAKED out and sent my very kind and supportive mom a text message basically telling her to stay out of this.
      As she should.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      My husband is still in the house and refuses to leave. He is now saying he DOES want to live with the kids and if I leave he will fight me for custody.
      He has no reason to leave. He does not have to leave. You have NO RIGHT to tell him to leave. Sorry to say but you are 100% wrong on this one and you asking him to leave was REALLY WRONG.

      Stop it now and get a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you the same thing. STOP! You don't own the house or the children. You are joint custodial parents.

      You want to not fight over custody and access. Settle now on joint custody and equal access on a 50-50 access schedule based on a 2-2-3 rotation. This is what a court will order should you show up unless the other parent is a *risk* to the children.

      Neither you nor the other parent are going to "win" anything in a custody and access battle. The children will only lose.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      It just breaks my heart that he couldn't give a shit about the kids. I am also worried how I am going to raise two kids by myself. How will I have enough time or money for both of them?
      Doublespeak on your part. You just said he is refusing to leave the house and will fight you for custody and access. So, how does this demonstrate he doesn't "give a shit about the kids"???

      Warning: The users hear read things in great detail.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      I also refuse to allow him joint custody.
      YOu don't get to make that choice. In accordance with THE LAW he is a joint custodial parent until a court orders otherwise. Courts do not make rash decisions on motions anymore. You will have to go to a full trial or get him to agree to giving you sole custody. Furthermore you will have to have EVIDENCE and not just an "emotional reaction" to get ordered as the SOLE CUSTODIAL parent. It is a pipe dream that you are living.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      He can't financially support them (he could only afford a small condo without me), and he drinks way too much. plus I think they are too young for the back and forth that would come with joint custody.
      In divorce everyone drinks way too much. If you start throwing crap allegations like these without hard evidence (like him being in rehab) a court won't care. Unless CAS has already come because of his drinking and there is a genuine protection concern your allegation is wasteful and only creates unnecessary conflict.

      Want to waste 100K+ on divorce. Alledge someone who is a social drinking is really a drunk and spend the next 2-3 years trying to prove it.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      Today my mom, who is normally amazing, sent me a text telling me that I "have to figure this out".
      Your mom is a very smart woman. Listen to her. You do need to figure this one out. Being angry just costs money. Throwing allegations only costs 10s of thousands of dollars. Trying to "win" in court will waste 100s of thousands of dollars.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I have an appointment with a lawyer, and I'm trying to get into see my counselor (I go solo - my husband refuses to go).
      Those are the two best things you can do. Go to a reputable lawyer though. There are lots of crappy ones who will tell you that because you have young kids you will "win" in court. In fact, if they use the word "win" or anything similar walk out.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      I don't know if I should pack up the kids and go to my parents house, or if I should stand my ground and wait for him to leave. (I can afford our house on my own - he cannot).
      If you pack up the kids you are violating Section 283.(1) of the Criminal Code of Canada "Abduction". If you need all the references to family law judges losing their minds at people who "abduct" children as a self help remedy and restrict the other parent their lawful care and charge of the children let me know. I have hundreds of articles and piles of case law on this site.

      But, you are going to a lawyer who will tell you the very same thing I told you. You will not be looked upon by the court as reasonable should you do this.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      I'm sorry for such a huge ramble. My head is just spinning and I don't know where to go from here.
      Lawyer and counselor. Both good steps to take now.

      Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
      I've never felt so lost, hurt, stressed, betrayed and confused.
      Its going to get worse if you remove the children without consent or a court order from their primary residence. Furthermore, if your parents are party to that conduct they could find themselves as contributors to the removal and not trusted by the court either.

      Good LucK!
      Tayken
      Last edited by Tayken; 10-23-2017, 01:44 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        1- why should he leave its his home too.

        2-you picked him to be a father that means for the rest of the kids life, why would you think that he should no longer be part of raising them now that the marriage is over?

        3-bad talking a guy that you picked to be a father, reflects on you be above this

        4- 50/50 and share custody is reality, again why should your kids get less time with one parent?

        5- kids are not to move they are not in danger, no Criminal record or Child services involved no reason to disrupt them or bad mouthing him. OK then as a dad OK now to be a dad.

        6- are the kids in daycare or is dad taking care of them while you work?

        7- its not about what you think is best for the kids, its about what really is best for the kids.

        8-Stop thinking that all belongs to you,

        Good luck people will be giving you a reality check...take the advice or it will cost you and the kids. Be smart put your feeling aside, no matter what he dose.

        Comment


        • #5
          Thank you for the replies. I didn't realize it would be consider abduction if I told him where I was going and when I would be back. I appreciate you telling me. You can tell I know nothing about this and my head is spinning.

          I failed to leave out a lot of the details, because I Didn't want to turn my post into a husband bashing one. BUt he is violent. He has strangled me in the front of the children. He has spanked our developmentally delayed son who cannot comprhend his actions, he swears and yells in front of the children. He screamed at my son when he was a month old to STFU.

          I am stupid and foolish for not telling anyone when it happened. I thought he would get better and we could go to counseling and try to fix our family. To this day, he refuses to go.

          They are in daycare because I do not trust him with them.

          To answer your questions, I want him to leave because he has told me he does not want to live with us and the children anymore. He specifically said he does not want them more than once, and only when I agreed to give him his divorce he is now trying to intimate me saying he NOW wants joint custody. I 100% believe it is not a genuine wish. He only wants to fight me for it to make my life more difficult.

          He has sent me texts saying that if I give him $85,000 he will not fight me for joint custody.

          I truly do not believe my kids being with my husband is in their best interest. Maybe when they're older it will be, but certianly not now. They have too many needs he is unable or willing to help them with.

          That's where I was coming from. I truly am trying extremely hard to not bash him, make this about him or about me. Everything I'm trying to do is what I honestly believe to be in their best interest.

          I wanted to take them to my parents house because my husband wont even talk to the kids now. HE comes home and he walks right by them. They call his name and he ignores them. It's confusing and upsetting for them.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Tayken View Post
            You have no right to tell him to leave. In fact, this was a mistake and will be used against you. He has equal right to reside and live in the home. He also in accordance with Rule 20.(1) of the CLRA is a joint custodial parent.





            As she should.



            He has no reason to leave. He does not have to leave. You have NO RIGHT to tell him to leave. Sorry to say but you are 100% wrong on this one and you asking him to leave was REALLY WRONG.

            Stop it now and get a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you the same thing. STOP! You don't own the house or the children. You are joint custodial parents.

            You want to not fight over custody and access. Settle now on joint custody and equal access on a 50-50 access schedule based on a 2-2-3 rotation. This is what a court will order should you show up unless the other parent is a *risk* to the children.

            Neither you nor the other parent are going to "win" anything in a custody and access battle. The children will only lose.



            Doublespeak on your part. You just said he is refusing to leave the house and will fight you for custody and access. So, how does this demonstrate he doesn't "give a shit about the kids"???

            Warning: The users hear read things in great detail.



            YOu don't get to make that choice. In accordance with THE LAW he is a joint custodial parent until a court orders otherwise. Courts do not make rash decisions on motions anymore. You will have to go to a full trial or get him to agree to giving you sole custody. Furthermore you will have to have EVIDENCE and not just an "emotional reaction" to get ordered as the SOLE CUSTODIAL parent. It is a pipe dream that you are living.



            In divorce everyone drinks way too much. If you start throwing crap allegations like these without hard evidence (like him being in rehab) a court won't care. Unless CAS has already come because of his drinking and there is a genuine protection concern your allegation is wasteful and only creates unnecessary conflict.

            Want to waste 100K+ on divorce. Alledge someone who is a social drinking is really a drunk and spend the next 2-3 years trying to prove it.



            Your mom is a very smart woman. Listen to her. You do need to figure this one out. Being angry just costs money. Throwing allegations only costs 10s of thousands of dollars. Trying to "win" in court will waste 100s of thousands of dollars.



            Those are the two best things you can do. Go to a reputable lawyer though. There are lots of crappy ones who will tell you that because you have young kids you will "win" in court. In fact, if they use the word "win" or anything similar walk out.



            If you pack up the kids you are violating Section 283.(1) of the Criminal Code of Canada "Abduction". If you need all the references to family law judges losing their minds at people who "abduct" children as a self help remedy and restrict the other parent their lawful care and charge of the children let me know. I have hundreds of articles and piles of case law on this site.

            But, you are going to a lawyer who will tell you the very same thing I told you. You will not be looked upon by the court as reasonable should you do this.



            Lawyer and counselor. Both good steps to take now.



            Its going to get worse if you remove the children without consent or a court order from their primary residence. Furthermore, if your parents are party to that conduct they could find themselves as contributors to the removal and not trusted by the court either.

            Good LucK!
            Tayken
            I'm not on these forums much anymore, but posts like this actually improved my day. Listen to every single word that Tayken has said here. Don't just Listen, study it.

            This must be an extremely trying time for you so you need to stay strong. Every word you text, email or say can be used against you so remain calm, resolution focused, rational and things will turn out the best way possible for the kids.

            Let me be clear in saying that if and when you divorce that does not mean he is excluded from the children's lives. As Tayken mentioned, he has already warned you that he will fight for custody which means he does in fact give a s*** about the kids.

            The two of you are in no position to evaluate each other's parenting skills at the moment. Divorce and separation with warring parents breed subjective, irrational and emotional interpretations of one another. A few beers after work transform into a raging alcoholic. A slight raise in voice transforms into extreme verbal abuse. Buying a new fishing rod transforms into financial irresponsibility.

            If you are indeed going to proceed with the same garbage most couples do in these situations you better have documented evidence of everything that you allege. Judges dislike wasting their time on the he said she said BS.

            To be completely honest, given your posts, you are completely worn out and in my opinion may be at high risk for meeting the symptom clusters in the DSM for depression.

            Working with the special needs population has been my field for my entire career. I've worked in many families homes and understand the complexities associated with children who have diagnosis such as ADD, ASD, bipolar, GDD, schizophrenia and much more.

            Being in a household 8 hours per day I've watched the dissolution of marriages right before my eyes. Parents become exhausted, household chores aren't complete, any romance or sex life have completely vanished and parents begin to blame each other for their lives. In more than half of my cases depression was involved with one parent,sometimes both.

            I think it's fantastic that you're speaking with a therapist and the situation would improve markedly if your husband would do the same. If you would like any advice, referrals or anything else regarding your children I have much experience and many connections so please feel free to p.m. me.

            Keep your chin up and read every one of these posters advice very carefully. Here on the forums many of us have different points of view but in the end it provides a holistic array of ideas and advice. We don't always agree but in the end we come together as a team to help parents like you.

            I wish you the very best of luck in the coming days, weeks months, and years
            Last edited by LovingFather32; 10-23-2017, 02:29 PM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Sam old...same old.

              Originally posted by momof2gr8kids View Post
              BUt he is violent. He has strangled me in the front of the children. He has spanked our developmentally delayed son who cannot comprhend his actions, he swears and yells in front of the children. He screamed at my son when he was a month old to STFU.
              I knew this was coming. I could smell it. Right about now is when a few posters agree with you and encourage you to not go 50/50.

              So then he must have a police record and a lengthy CAS file? You can make great use of that in court.

              To answer your questions, I want him to leave because he has told me he does not want to live with us and the children anymore.
              You dont want to leave him because of his extreme violence, etc? Only because he wants to leave you? Now you have me thinking.

              He specifically said he does not want them more than once, and only when I agreed to give him his divorce he is now trying to intimate me saying he NOW wants joint custody. I 100% believe it is not a genuine wish. He only wants to fight me for it to make my life more difficult.
              We dont care what you believe. He told you he wants his kids jointly. I hear the same old story here. Dad only asks for joint custody to make mom's life hard. It couldn't be that he "actually" wants his kids right? Could it be that you dont want him to have 50/50 as punishment because he wants a divorce?

              He has sent me texts saying that if I give him $85,000 he will not fight me for joint custody.
              I call BS on that .. but whatever. If that's the case then you're right about everything. Your first post didn't mention any of this .. only when posters didn't agree with you did these details come up. Interesting.

              I truly do not believe my kids being with my husband is in their best interest. Maybe when they're older it will be, but certainly not now. They have too many needs he is unable or willing to help them with.
              You're pissed off and emotional. You're in no position to evaluate his parenting skills. All negative attributes will be amplified and positive ones not mentioned.

              You chose him as a husband and a father...remember that.

              I truly am trying extremely hard to not bash him, make this about him or about me.
              I predicted this would happen in my previous post .. (he will become a raging alcoholic, abusive, etc). Either every single man on earth are these things during a separation or parents use it as a strategy. I swear lawyers have templates on their computer for every separation (man = abusive, alcoholic, drug addict).

              I for one question your ability to parent if you sit around and watch your kids endure this type of sever abuse....that's just me though.

              Comment


              • #8
                I'm not really sure why your post was so hostile. I am not lying about anything I said in either of my posts. I know it doesn't help me to get advice from people if I'm just making shit up.

                I posted because I already feel extremely confused, alone, sad and depressed. I am worried sick about my children.

                I really didn't need to read your last post.
                Last edited by momof2gr8kids; 10-23-2017, 02:53 PM. Reason: h

                Comment


                • #9
                  momof2gr8kids

                  Please keep in mind that there are a lot of trigger issues with the group (me included).

                  There is also a lot of good advice in their posts.

                  Aim for equal everything, try to be fair, and take a lot of deep calming breathes.

                  And please remember not to confuse "justice with the law". Just because you think something is unfair, the law might say different.

                  Good luck.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    There's plenty of posters here who view every new situation brought up through the perspective of their own experience, and will be quick to view you as a new incarnation of their Ex. In your story they can only see the actions of their own Ex's, and the bitterness comes out quickly. I'm sure you'll spot them quickly enough and learn to ignore their drama.

                    There is however plenty of good advice in the posts above if you choose to read through it all without taking it personally.

                    Just remember, the more fighting and issues in a divorce, the richer the lawyers become, and the less there is for the kids. And children tend to lose a lot more than just money in divorces.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      some very good advice from most of the posters.

                      I have some question though. Why would boxes of toys for the kids Christmas gifts set him off? Why was he saying he hates living with all the "junk" in the house? Is there a hoarding situation here in his eyes?

                      Remember yes you may be able to afford the house on your own but can you afford to get the mortgage to buy him out?

                      You can leave and go where you want when you want, the kids cant. That is their home and you cannot remove them to live somewhere else.

                      It was very shitty and cowardly of him to do it in a text. You are feeling hurt and confused right now and it takes time to accept what has happened. There are certain posters (like soiled said) that thinks all women are like their ex or even that basically all women are bad. There is an ignore feature on this site that can become your best friend to block the users that dont bring anything to the topic except their own biased views.

                      I know that more details always emerge after the first post, that is normal.If you tried to write it all in one post it would be so hard to get through so most posters just cover the basics in their first post. With that being said, unless there is a police report, witnesses or he admits it, there isnt much use in trying to use that. Not that I am saying it didnt happen, but unless there is proof it may look like positioning to try and get sole custody.

                      If he gets 50/50 then you will be paying him offset CS.

                      I wish there was a way for the two of you to sit down and really discuss the real issues of what is bothering him. Is he feeling neglected? Yes you may be tired after working etc but you also need to make time for him to keep connected, so does he. Did he turn to alcohol because it was something that was there or was this and issue before you married and had kids with him? Would your parents be willing to take the kids one weekend a month so you and him could have some time together?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I feel your pain, cause I am still reeling from the emotional side of a separation and still feel angry. I have spent countless hours reading posts here to gain an insight into the legalities of a separation/divorce. But I am in no a position to give advice on anything legal. That said I dont think its a bad idea to take the kids to your Mom's for a week. In my own experience if tension and emotions are at a high, a cooling off period may be needed, before someone does something they will regret. I personally got into a fight with my ex while in the home while the children where sleeping and a neighbor called the police and the results of that were pretty negative.

                        I wish I had or he had left the home for a SHORT time to be able to process things without being in each others faces. Just my 2 cents.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Sounds like you need a break and to get organized.

                          Ask Mom to watch the kids for a weekend. Invite your husband to go to a couples retreat (boot camp-type which is offered by some churches I believe) or, at the very least, a concentrated weekend of meetings in a neutral place to start to communicate. I'd recommend against having the discussions in your home as people tend to behave better, with less yelling and name-calling, in a neutral place such as a decent restaurant.

                          Don't think things are going to be fixed, one way or another, in a short period of time. Your marriage has fallen apart over the past 2 years it sounds. Don't beat yourself up and DO NOT start playing the blame game with each other. Counselling, of course, would be optimal but you have suggested this in the past and your ex hasn't agreed (so perhaps you have to try other things?... Your ex could have disagreed with counselling if you suggested it to him in the middle of a fight: timing is everything for these sorts of things).

                          I only had one kid but I do recall when he was young, and I was at home, I was totally exhausted. Ex wanted to fuck all the time and I was totally not interested. Parents took kids for weekends and sometimes weeks at a time. That helped immensely. If your parents want to help, this is something they can do.

                          Before you throw in the towel look at doing everything you can do to see if there is a way to communicate with the father of your children... your former lover, once again. If nothing happens, then at least you can look your kids in their eyes in the future and tell them that you tried everything.

                          If your ex is threatening, at any time, you call the police and have him removed from the home. Period. He is a grown adult and has to deal with his problems. Consider purchasing a home security system.

                          What other posters have told you is true in that you will likely be unsuccessful using your ex's outbursts/violence against you in past (when you did not report it) to help your current situation.

                          Hey if your ex wants to sell you the kids for 85k then that might be something to consider LOL - will be alot cheaper than an out-and-out trial. No, seriously, keep those texts. Ideally, email is a better mode of communication as you can later try to get him to agree to Our Family Wizard, or another software program, with which to communicate with. Courts have endorsed the program for many years.
                          Last edited by arabian; 10-23-2017, 07:46 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I've helped many mothers on these forums deal with douchebag ex's so I just want to make sure you're aware that I do not believe that all women make false allegations etc. I tend to analyze the details of posts very carefully.

                            In my experience when posters only mention abuse after they're being disagreed with it's to try and sway everybody to their side. The allegations are usually sprinkled with custody matters such as..... he wants 50-50 and I want him to leave the home ...I don't want to give him 50-50 blah blah.

                            If you're a victim of extreme abuse you're in the wrong place. You need to contact CAS immediately and report everything he's done and let them know that you're concerned about the safety of your children around your soon-to-be-ex.

                            Personally I find the timing of your allegations of abuse extremely coincidental and so will the police and CAS

                            Making allegations of that nature right after your husband asks for a divorce will not look good. Him asking for a divorce should not have been the Catalyst to allegations of all kinds of abuse and addiction. This is what I see and I guess other posters such as sots apparently do not.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              One thing not mentioned so far ( I think ) is that if you go to court to resolve this,
                              1) parenting schedules ordered vary widely, with the most common pattern being that dad physically splits from mom+kids, mom witholds the kids as financial leverage, and after a year of wrangling in court, dad manages to win back a measly every -other weekend parenting time. If dad keeps cool, and persists, and has $ he can get back to a 50-50 arrangement. Either way, the legal costs to the parents are huge - and always a magnitude bigger than expected at the outset. Do you really want to buy your lawyer a new car?
                              2) child support is ordered according to law - not that much wiggle room.
                              3) spousal support is argued

                              So Please both educate yourself on what are the canadian laws and guidelines governing support and access.

                              The same goes for splitting of assets and debts - called 'equalization'. E.g if you want to stay in the house, you will have to pay him half of the equity (ie market value minus mortgage). Or settle that amount by taking on more of the non-mortgage debt or giving up some other asset eg savings.

                              In court you must argue towards the laws n guidelines, so you have to know what they are. You can read for yourself or pay a lawyer $200-$400 hourly to explain to you.
                              Last edited by dinkyface; 10-24-2017, 08:39 AM.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X