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  • My 9 yr old son wants to come to my place instead of his Mom's.

    Hello everyone,

    My 9 yr old son is not happy at his Mom's house. She has moved in with her 80 yr old Mother and 54 year old brother (Who has major mental health issues and is a recovered drug addict) and she is rarely home until after dinner. There are no friends for my son in that neighbourhood.

    He REALLY wants to come to my house, because I am always here (I work at home) and there are a TON of kids his age here.

    I have tried to NOT 'rock the boat' and tell him he needs to stick to the schedule, but he is starting to realize he can simply get on the other school bus, and be brought to my place. It is just a matter of time before he realizes he has control over this and takes action.

    Frankly, when it happens, I am going to let him stay. My question is, what happens legally?

    Can the police come and take him to her house? I assume not. They may show up to make sure he is safe, but I will simply explain that my son obviously has 'issues' at his Mom's house - and that is what prompted him to come to my house instead. I will explain that I do not know exactly what those 'issues' are, as he just got home, and is not ready to talk about it yet. Until he does, I will let him stay.

    I expect that will be that. The police will take notes, and be on there way - leaving the issue for the Family Court to deal with.

    I have been told, that if this happens often enough, and we end up in court, the Judge will simply grant him more time with me, because a court order is not going to change things. In fact, it might make it more dangerous, because he could easily try and ride his bike, or walk the 4 kms from his Mom's house late at night, or in an Ottawa winter storm etc.

    I should note that there has been ZERO parental alienation on my side. I NEVER speak poorly of his Mother, and I praise her in front of him whenever I can. There is however, lots of indication of his mother trying to alienate me. It appears to be back-firing though. Hence this post.

    Thanks in advance for all advice!

  • #2
    I believe it is entirely dependant on what is written in your separation agreement or any court orders subsequent.

    If you have defined access times, you can't just unilaterally change them, no matter what the circumstances.

    You had best contact your lawyer and talk to them about what it will take to make an application to change access

    I expect others here with more experience will chime in.

    Comment


    • #3
      If you have a court order, and one with an enforcement clause in it, the police can very well show up and enforce the agreement. And you could find yourself facing contempt charges, accusations of PAS or HAP, and possibly even abduction.

      Allowing a 9 year old to make adult decisions is wrong. Wrong, period.

      Your expectations and ASSumptions are WAY out of whack. What the hell kind of parent lets the 9 year old call the shots and expects the court to validate & back them up?

      Comment


      • #4
        @Downtroddendad: I am not changing the court orders. My son is indicating HE is going to. I see it coming, and I want to be prepared. I have done nothing to encourage his change in attitude.
        Last edited by bigdad; 10-26-2012, 02:55 PM. Reason: Direct to specific person.

        Comment


        • #5
          @blinkandimgone: There is no enforcement clause. I can't be held in contempt for my son's decisions.

          Comment


          • #6
            I'm sorry to be so blunt here. YOU are the parent and guardian along with your ex. HE is a 9 year old child, and not of an age where the court will allow him to make unilateral decisions.

            If you want to make this happen, you will have to go through the legal process. If you attempt to do it and ask forgiveness later, a judge will not be inclined to look upon you with leniency.

            Comment


            • #7
              Blink is absoultely right. You tell the child he disobeyed both his mother and you and that he is not to come to your house when his mother is expecting him. Tell him to think about how worried his mother must be and that you would not like it if he did not show up on your days. It is not his decision and you should support the other parent and their time until there is a new order.

              Comment


              • #8
                So if and when he shows up, you put him in the car and you take him to his mother's house. Until the court order is changed you must do this. Just because there is no enforcement clause does not mean you will not be in contempt. The enforcement clause is just to allow the police to remove the child and place him with the other parent.

                You need to speak to a lawyer, or try to speak to your ex about this. Would you let your 9 year old son skip school because he decided he didn't want to go? Common... seriously... you are setting yourself up for failure and in my opinion you are setting your son up to become a stubborn brat, by allowing him to call the shots and tell his PARENTS what he is going to do.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by bigdad View Post
                  @Downtroddendad: I am not changing the court orders. My son is indicating HE is going to. I see it coming, and I want to be prepared. I have done nothing to encourage his change in attitude.
                  Originally posted by bigdad View Post
                  @blinkandimgone: There is no enforcement clause. I can't be held in contempt for my son's decisions.
                  Wow.

                  Wow, wow, wow.......

                  Holy wtf.

                  I am truly speechless and don't know what else to say.

                  Wow.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by bigdad View Post
                    @blinkandimgone: There is no enforcement clause. I can't be held in contempt for my son's decisions.
                    Your kid is 9. Kids don't get to make those type of decisions.

                    You are not his friend, you are his parent. Act like one.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Janus View Post
                      Your kid is 9. Kids don't get to make those type of decisions.

                      You are not his friend, you are his parent. Act like one.
                      Exactly.

                      Can't wait to see how "dad" feels when the kid runs back to mommy's place when he's expected to clean his room. OY.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Maybe the kid will decide he doesn't want to go to school on Tuesdays. And Thursdays, and maybe on Mondays. And Fridays.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          @Downtroddendad.

                          You state: "If you want to make this happen, you will have to go through the legal process."

                          I'm sorry - but NOTHING happens using the legal process. It is BEYOND broken.

                          The ONLY progress I have seen in ANY case, is when people 'bend' the rules.

                          @Wife#2: Sorry - but his Mother is not home to 'expect' him. He will not care about how 'worried' his mother is. He has asked me to tell her he hates her. I have done nothing to cause that, and I of course did not act on his request or even mention it to her. He also won't see the logic if I tell him how upset I would be if he didn't come to me on my days. In his mind, that would never happen. I also think you are missing the point - it IS HIS decision on which bus to get onto after school. He cares nothing about what the courts say. He is 9.

                          Sure - I could try to make arrangements to do an exchange right away when he comes to my house when he should be going to hers, and we have done that twice over the years when he honestly made the mistake. But, she is not home, and his Uncle and Grandma can't drive. Further, there is a restraining order against the Uncle - he is not to approach me, and I certainly can't provoke that scenario by approaching him. By the time his Mother is home - he will have had his reward by playing with his friends here for an hour or 2.

                          I guess to avoid the above scenario, I could put him in a taxi. Thoughts?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I think you're missing the point:

                            It is NOT his decision.

                            He does not have the right to decide which house to go to when or which bus to get on.

                            I cannot even fathom that a 'parent' would even be entertaining any of this?!!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by bigdad View Post
                              @Downtroddendad.

                              You state: "If you want to make this happen, you will have to go through the legal process."

                              I'm sorry - but NOTHING happens using the legal process. It is BEYOND broken.

                              The ONLY progress I have seen in ANY case, is when people 'bend' the rules.

                              @Wife#2: Sorry - but his Mother is not home to 'expect' him. He will not care about how 'worried' his mother is. He has asked me to tell her he hates her. I have done nothing to cause that, and I of course did not act on his request or even mention it to her. He also won't see the logic if I tell him how upset I would be if he didn't come to me on my days. In his mind, that would never happen. I also think you are missing the point - it IS HIS decision on which bus to get onto after school. He cares nothing about what the courts say. He is 9.

                              Sure - I could try to make arrangements to do an exchange right away when he comes to my house when he should be going to hers, and we have done that twice over the years when he honestly made the mistake. But, she is not home, and his Uncle and Grandma can't drive. Further, there is a restraining order against the Uncle - he is not to approach me, and I certainly can't provoke that scenario by approaching him. By the time his Mother is home - he will have had his reward by playing with his friends here for an hour or 2.

                              I guess to avoid the above scenario, I could put him in a taxi. Thoughts?
                              I would suggest calling the mother if your son makes the decision to come to your house when he isn't scheduled to. Ask her if she wants to pick him up on the way home, or if she would like you to send him immediately home in a cab? As long as you are not encouraging him to do this, then that is really all you can do.

                              Nice to see you care enough to come to this forum for advice.

                              Comment

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