Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Mental Illness 'Talk'

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Mental Illness 'Talk'

    My ex was diagnosed with Bipolar years ago and has never taken much if any medication. Over the years we have dealt with the mood swings and sever depression. The divorce and custody battles over the past have been terrible but I have ALWAYS tried my best to sheild the kids from as much as I can. My ex has had a good streak for the last year and has had very few 'episodes' but over the last 2 weeks he seems to have gotten worse again and our children (now 7&8) are confused and scared by the way he's acting and things he's doing. I have decided to have the mental illness talk as suggested by a consilor a few years ago. I'm wondering if anyone else has talked to their kids about a mentally ill parent? Any tips/suggestions? Also I want to make sure to approach it in a manner that helps their relationship with their father not further alienates him.

  • #2
    Have the children's doctor have this talk with them.

    Comment


    • #3
      Seconded. Not an appropriate conversation to have with them...

      Comment


      • #4
        Childrens doctor suggested it come from me when I felt the time was right (he's also on vacation for the next mont) so did the Family association for mental health everywhere and our last child counsillor who also is backlogged and over booked with more pressing cases. So I'm not ask IF I should have the talk, it's like the sex talk it must happen, better that they can talk to me about it then a stranger. I'm asking more for advise from anyone who has had this conversation with their children.

        Comment


        • #5
          I will strongly suggest you do not have the talk alone with the kids. They will have questions you can't answer, and it may require some counselling for them to understand the dynamics.

          Here is a support group in the GTA for families impacted by mental illness:
          F.A.M.E. | Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere

          I would reach out to them, they can direct you to a resource that can work with them.

          I have had some experience with this. My kids have never heard from me that their mom is mentally ill. My girls know their brother is in treatment. My GF's kids know their dad has major mental health problems, but they love him dearly, and they have had counselling to help their deal with their fears.

          This is not to be done lightly. You don't want to scare them, but you don't want them to be suprised by an episode either. I would not share any information about how it impacted the marriage. They need to know that it isn't their fault that their father is sometimes in a bad mood.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
            My ex was diagnosed with Bipolar years ago and has never taken much if any medication.
            Bipolar disorder is not well understood by the general population. Medication is not always required for treatment.

            Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
            Over the years we have dealt with the mood swings and sever depression.
            Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder. The "mood swings" are they mania? Many people have no idea what defines "mania" in the context of the diagnosis criteria. Hypomanic to manic moods are quite different on the spectrum. Suffice to say, it is not a "mood swing" but, easily identifiable characteristics generally.

            Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
            The divorce and custody battles over the past have been terrible but I have ALWAYS tried my best to sheild the kids from as much as I can.
            Mental illness doesn't need to be the root cause to court room battles.

            Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
            My ex has had a good streak for the last year and has had very few 'episodes' but over the last 2 weeks he seems to have gotten worse again and our children (now 7&8) are confused and scared by the way he's acting and things he's doing.
            Could you provide some examples of the patterns of behaviour that are causing the children concern?

            Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
            I have decided to have the mental illness talk as suggested by a consilor a few years ago.
            Really, a counsellor recommended this and that you deliver the information? Highly doubtful that a mental health worker (clinician) would recommend you do this. If any parent has a mood disorder or mental health disturbance the children should not be told by the other parent but, from a neutral third party who can answer their questions. Generally this is done with the consent of the parent in question and their involvement in the theraputic intervention that would bring forward this information.

            Also, at their current ages... One would question what anyone would say regarding the situation even if delivered by a professional. I do not recommend you talk to the children about "mental illness".

            Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
            I'm wondering if anyone else has talked to their kids about a mentally ill parent? Any tips/suggestions?
            Don't talk to them about it. Engage the other parent and request that the parent who has the disability discuss it with their treating clinicians and if deemed necessary that those clinicians relay the information in an age appropriate manner to the children if they feel it is a good idea.

            Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
            Also I want to make sure to approach it in a manner that helps their relationship with their father not further alienates him.
            Well, you engage with the other parent, raise your concerns, ask them about the situation and work towards resolving the problem as a family and with the assistance of properly trained and informed medical professionals.

            Good Luck!
            Tayken

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
              Childrens doctor suggested it come from me when I felt the time was right (he's also on vacation for the next mont) so did the Family association for mental health everywhere and our last child counsillor who also is backlogged and over booked with more pressing cases. So I'm not ask IF I should have the talk, it's like the sex talk it must happen, better that they can talk to me about it then a stranger. I'm asking more for advise from anyone who has had this conversation with their children.
              It is not like the "sex talk" at all. It is not a discussion about the child's personal health but, the personal health and well being of their parent.

              I am doubtful that the children's doctor would have recommended you take this action. If you are working with F.A.M.E. they have programs that work with children. You should be working within their programs and should have access to this information already.

              I would contact F.A.M.E. and work with them.

              Individual Support | F.A.M.E.

              Originally posted by F.A.M.E
              When children have inaccurate knowledge about mental illness, they often come up with their own conclusions that can be misleading, untrue, and destructive. Individual support allows children to ask questions about mental illness that they may not be able to in their day to day lives. This model of support is individualized to meet the needs of the child and provides a space that promotes safety, non-judgment, respect, and empathy.

              Through artwork, discussion, and other expressive modalities children are given a voice to explore and express their feelings, while learning healthy coping skills. This model of support can also be a great way to transition into the fameKids program by providing a foundation of knowledge and preparation for the group setting. This model can also be utilized as part of the aftercare support plan for the child when he or she completes the famekids program.

              For more information, please contact Nicole Levy moc.seilimafrofemaf@lelocin or Gilda Capraro moc.seilimafrofemaf@cadlig.
              Good Luck!
              Tayken

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
                I will strongly suggest you do not have the talk alone with the kids. They will have questions you can't answer, and it may require some counselling for them to understand the dynamics.

                Here is a support group in the GTA for families impacted by mental illness:
                F.A.M.E. | Family Association for Mental Health Everywhere

                I would reach out to them, they can direct you to a resource that can work with them.

                I have had some experience with this. My kids have never heard from me that their mom is mentally ill. My girls know their brother is in treatment. My GF's kids know their dad has major mental health problems, but they love him dearly, and they have had counselling to help their deal with their fears.

                This is not to be done lightly. You don't want to scare them, but you don't want them to be suprised by an episode either. I would not share any information about how it impacted the marriage. They need to know that it isn't their fault that their father is sometimes in a bad mood.
                I agree! ^^^ 100%.

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

                Comment


                • #9
                  Agree with what everyone else has said about having a third party do the "talk" with your kids - for all the reasons given above, plus you don't want to be on the receiving end of accusations that "you told the kids I was crazy!" from the ex or any of his associates. Especially if it's been a difficult divorce, you may not be perceived as a neutral or reliable informant.

                  Your school board may be another resource, if you can wait until school starts. School boards have psychologists and social workers who are familiar with the issues faced by children with mentally ill parents and could refer you to someone who could help. If your children's school has a social worker, check with him/her; if not, ask the principal or vice-principal to connect you to a psychologist.

                  If he's doing things which are distressing the kids, you could say, "I don't understand why your father is doing xyz, but I know he loves you very much and would never want to scare you". If he's doing things that actually put the kids in danger, as distinct from just odd behavior, you may need to call CAS.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    FAME, or other mental health organizations are not avalible in my area, outside the GTA there is very little support for Families of the mentally ill. We have counsillors that deal with children of abuse victims and that is the extent of our support in that regard. I have kept in contact with Gilda who suggested I try to reach out to other parents dealing with mentally ill ex spouses since my children deal with both a divorce and a mental illness. She has helped me look for resorces in my area and have found none. She has suggested some books. Trust me when I say this is not a light decision.

                    Tayken, some very good points as I had lived with my ex for nearly 12 years and gone to many physciatrists I know all about the finer details of the disease. I agree that most of the general public don't understand the disease, but I don't happen to be one of those. Specifically my ex has Bipolar I which he often gets mixed episodes, followed generally by depression. The last physiciatrist I saw with him suggested a variation of medication, counsilling, and family support since his is a sever case. I couldn't say one way or another if he follows through with this or not.

                    So far in Life my children have had to deal with being abandoned on many occasions sometimes left with a neighbor sometimes simply not picked up, sometimes they go months without seeing him. These are the easy things. They have been physically hit, pushed and called names, this we delt with through CAS, police and doctors. This generally occurs during high stress times. More recently talking about his death and making the children go to the cemetary. Trying to break into graves yard buildings. Telling the kids he will be dead soon.

                    These are the major things theres of course lots of little hickups like explaining why he doesn't work (which yes the kids ask about even) why he lives with grandma, why he's not allowed at school. These things come up all the time and the kids blame themselves, they hate him or even worse they've come to expect it from him (like if he doesn't show up it's normal)

                    Engaging my ex is not an option for many different reasons. My children are scared and ashamed of their father and he is unwilling to do anything to help them. They are alone in dealing with him every other weekend. If we keep 'hiding it' their relationship will not get any better. In talking with Gilda I'm not the only parent to talk to their child about mental illness, there are books aimed at preschoolers covering the subject.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
                      Childrens doctor suggested it come from me when I felt the time was right (he's also on vacation for the next mont) so did the Family association for mental health everywhere and our last child counsillor who also is backlogged and over booked with more pressing cases. So I'm not ask IF I should have the talk, it's like the sex talk it must happen, better that they can talk to me about it then a stranger. I'm asking more for advise from anyone who has had this conversation with their children.
                      My gf's ex-husband and his mother are bi-polar as well and her kids Dr. and their counselor told her to do it and not have it come from an emotionless professional who doesn't know the kids or the entire situation. She basically explained to them that their dad loves them very much and that he has an illness that he cannot help. She said that sometimes he may not act like himself but that doesn't mean he doesn't love them and that he's not a good dad. It could just mean that he's having a bad few days and will hopefully be better soon. They are kids they don't need to be overwhelmed with too much detail and the counselor (who was part of a program that CAMH ran so very experienced with this issue) said to just give them the bare bones explanation and that when they are older they can speak to a professional in the mental health field to get the harder specifics of the condition.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        What is your kids' current understanding of their father? They've noticed he isn't like other adults - doesn't work, doesn't come to their school, lives with his mother, etc - do they have an age-appropriate understanding of why their dad is different? If so, is there anything in their current understanding of their dad which needs to change? Are they starting to ask questions about the "why" of his behavior as they get older, or are they just accepting that this is the way he is?

                        It sounds like you have already thoroughly researched this condition. If you do feel that you need to have "the talk" solo, because there are no qualified professionals anywhere, I would go with a "less is more" approach. Maybe something along the lines of "Daddy's brain sometimes doesn't work the same as other people's, so he does things that other people don't do. It's not his fault, and he still really loves you. I know it can be hard for you sometimes, but it isn't your fault either". Leave out any clinical details.

                        It sounds like you want to acknowledge the elephant in the room - Daddy is really bizarre - but don't want to freak the kids out. Perhaps just letting them know that it's okay for them to talk about how they feel about this situation - focusing on their feelings, not his condition - will help. This is not the normal case, where encouraging kids to complain about their EOW parent would be a hostile move.

                        You have my sympathy - it's a very tough row to hoe. I grew up with a sibling and a parent with mental health problems, and the silence everyone maintained around it was not healthy. Good for you for thinking this through in a child-centred way.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I would reiterate what a bad idea introducing the subject to them directly and without support is (sorry for dangling a participle). Failing going in with a counsellor, I would suggest the family doctor or if you belong to a church a minister/priest/whatever.

                          They should not hear it from you directly. That will stay with them, and they may assocaite it with a negative. It would be best if they hear it from a neutral third party, not someone in the family. And they need help, ongoing. Does your work have an EAP benefit?

                          Comment

                          Our Divorce Forums
                          Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                          Working...
                          X