Hello,
My Ex and I have a signed separation agreement from 2012 (we separated in 2011). It was created during a time of great stress and financial restriction for me as I had gone back to school and was only working a very low paying part time job at the time.
I agreed to it because my Ex father in law stated he would always remain as a neutral 3rd party and would temper my Ex's predisposition to screaming first and asking questions later. This unfortunately only worked for a while before he was forced to renege on his deal. Luckily the agreement wasn't devoid of some substance as I found myself on my own.
Access:
Since I was in school (campus was 3 hrs away) at the time (3 years) and then on probation for 1 year with a part time professional job related to my why I went back to school but it forced me to live 45 mins away from the kids and then another 1 year with an even better full time job in the city that allowed me to move back to within walking distance to my children...I have up until now not been able to provide a set schedule.
So, it was originally written that:
1) we would share Joint Custody of our two children
2) the primary residence would be with my Ex
3) the father would have access as agreed upon from time to time between the parties because I was away a lot (every second weekend and more some times)
4) the mother would facilitate access that would take priorities over other activities and include weekends when possible provided adequate notice was given
This it the big one
5) A more regular regime of access will be implemented as soon as the Husband's timetable facilitates same.
During school my program did not have a "set" schedule and it changed on short notice every 3-4 months (sometimes more frequently). Then when I graduated I managed to land a full time job in my field in Toronto but turned it down for a part time "on call" position with no guarantee of hours because it was closer (then TO) to my kids but still 45 mins away. In order to get a full time contract with this employer (which not only had benefits but a REGULAR schedule) I needed to work as much as possible to build seniority but after a year I realized it was not going to happen soon enough and kept applying to a position in the city (closer to my kids) which I secured March 30th, 2015. This new full time job has a 1 year probationary period that involved a rotation around the city in different locations so again I was unable to set up a regular schedule but still managed to see my kids for minimum one weekend and a few other days every month as I had done in the past but now I was working towards that end state of a set schedule.
So, as my probation neared completion I started negotiating more time with my Ex and on April 6th following a face to face sit down we came up with a 5 day block within my rotating schedule every month and since I get my schedule a year in advance it was easy to set aside those days on a calendar for the kids (and my Ex).
This 5 day period (additional days are added as my schedule allows) has been working for the past 5 months and the children are doing well with it.
Now here is the kicker, I have always wanted more time but given my circumstances when we separated and then right after I have been unable to but that was why that last clause was written into the agreement, I always wanted equal time but had to work towards it.
So, at the beginning of this month (October, 2016) I bought a home (I'm not sure I can afford with the support payments but that isn't my issue right now) within walking distance to my children's school and my Ex's place. Since I am actually off during the 5 days the children do not have to go to daycare and I am able to take them and pick them up directly from school (gives me more time with them and is great).
Over the Thanksgiving Weekend I sent my Ex my schedule for 2017 and requested that in addition to the 5 days I am free every month and now have the kids I wanted them on the 7 days every month I'm free as well.
I would also continue to add in additional days on top of the 5 and 7 day blocks as became available.
Well....she said NO. Actually she said: "I am willing to agree to more access after a reasonable time where you have demonstrated parental responsibility. You have to understand that after 5 years of showing only choices that serve you, I am not confident in your ability to care for the children. This past 5 day visit, only the third so far, demonstrated a lack of responsibility or care for the children. I am willing to agree to more weekend access."
Not only was her math wrong (I've had the kids 5 days for 5 months not 3) but my "demonstrated lack of responsibility or care" was left over cheese in my son's lunch bag....
Outside of written communication her immediate reaction to me pursuing more access has been "you just don't want to pay support, the time you want would put you close to or at 40% so I can't agree." I have never made it about support payments but I have to admit I can't afford bed frames for my kids right now and the added time will mean more food, etc. so it would be great to keep some of that support to actually support the kids when they are with me more now. However, I understand that I can't ever mention that no matter how much it makes sense. Oh and for now she makes $30000 more then me.
So where do I go from here? There is a dispute clause in our agreement that we utilize a mediator when we can't agree. I was told by my lawyer to pursue that route since there is no way I can afford court right now...but how do I word it? Do I hold out that maybe she will change her mind? In the meantime I'm finally available to see my kids more and can't, its frustrating!
Thanks
My Ex and I have a signed separation agreement from 2012 (we separated in 2011). It was created during a time of great stress and financial restriction for me as I had gone back to school and was only working a very low paying part time job at the time.
I agreed to it because my Ex father in law stated he would always remain as a neutral 3rd party and would temper my Ex's predisposition to screaming first and asking questions later. This unfortunately only worked for a while before he was forced to renege on his deal. Luckily the agreement wasn't devoid of some substance as I found myself on my own.
Access:
Since I was in school (campus was 3 hrs away) at the time (3 years) and then on probation for 1 year with a part time professional job related to my why I went back to school but it forced me to live 45 mins away from the kids and then another 1 year with an even better full time job in the city that allowed me to move back to within walking distance to my children...I have up until now not been able to provide a set schedule.
So, it was originally written that:
1) we would share Joint Custody of our two children
2) the primary residence would be with my Ex
3) the father would have access as agreed upon from time to time between the parties because I was away a lot (every second weekend and more some times)
4) the mother would facilitate access that would take priorities over other activities and include weekends when possible provided adequate notice was given
This it the big one
5) A more regular regime of access will be implemented as soon as the Husband's timetable facilitates same.
During school my program did not have a "set" schedule and it changed on short notice every 3-4 months (sometimes more frequently). Then when I graduated I managed to land a full time job in my field in Toronto but turned it down for a part time "on call" position with no guarantee of hours because it was closer (then TO) to my kids but still 45 mins away. In order to get a full time contract with this employer (which not only had benefits but a REGULAR schedule) I needed to work as much as possible to build seniority but after a year I realized it was not going to happen soon enough and kept applying to a position in the city (closer to my kids) which I secured March 30th, 2015. This new full time job has a 1 year probationary period that involved a rotation around the city in different locations so again I was unable to set up a regular schedule but still managed to see my kids for minimum one weekend and a few other days every month as I had done in the past but now I was working towards that end state of a set schedule.
So, as my probation neared completion I started negotiating more time with my Ex and on April 6th following a face to face sit down we came up with a 5 day block within my rotating schedule every month and since I get my schedule a year in advance it was easy to set aside those days on a calendar for the kids (and my Ex).
This 5 day period (additional days are added as my schedule allows) has been working for the past 5 months and the children are doing well with it.
Now here is the kicker, I have always wanted more time but given my circumstances when we separated and then right after I have been unable to but that was why that last clause was written into the agreement, I always wanted equal time but had to work towards it.
So, at the beginning of this month (October, 2016) I bought a home (I'm not sure I can afford with the support payments but that isn't my issue right now) within walking distance to my children's school and my Ex's place. Since I am actually off during the 5 days the children do not have to go to daycare and I am able to take them and pick them up directly from school (gives me more time with them and is great).
Over the Thanksgiving Weekend I sent my Ex my schedule for 2017 and requested that in addition to the 5 days I am free every month and now have the kids I wanted them on the 7 days every month I'm free as well.
I would also continue to add in additional days on top of the 5 and 7 day blocks as became available.
Well....she said NO. Actually she said: "I am willing to agree to more access after a reasonable time where you have demonstrated parental responsibility. You have to understand that after 5 years of showing only choices that serve you, I am not confident in your ability to care for the children. This past 5 day visit, only the third so far, demonstrated a lack of responsibility or care for the children. I am willing to agree to more weekend access."
Not only was her math wrong (I've had the kids 5 days for 5 months not 3) but my "demonstrated lack of responsibility or care" was left over cheese in my son's lunch bag....
Outside of written communication her immediate reaction to me pursuing more access has been "you just don't want to pay support, the time you want would put you close to or at 40% so I can't agree." I have never made it about support payments but I have to admit I can't afford bed frames for my kids right now and the added time will mean more food, etc. so it would be great to keep some of that support to actually support the kids when they are with me more now. However, I understand that I can't ever mention that no matter how much it makes sense. Oh and for now she makes $30000 more then me.
So where do I go from here? There is a dispute clause in our agreement that we utilize a mediator when we can't agree. I was told by my lawyer to pursue that route since there is no way I can afford court right now...but how do I word it? Do I hold out that maybe she will change her mind? In the meantime I'm finally available to see my kids more and can't, its frustrating!
Thanks
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