Ex wants 50/50 custody now after 3 years. HELP

[geena]

Ok, so our divorce order stated I have full custody with liberal visits. That has been no issue. Ex works out of town so it worked where my daughter would see him when he came back. However he would never and doesn't ever let me know when he is around, so I cannot plan anything. My daughter now doesn't want to go with him. She is 14 and is finding her own things to do. She resents him and doesn't want to go to his home as he is getting married and my daughter does not get along too well with his girlfriend. I have just been served paperwork that he wants to end the support and custody agreement and take on parenting two weeks out of a month. Cutting off all spousal support and child support. My daughter is threatening to run away if she is made to go with him. I am freaking out because I don't want to lose my daughter. And he is wanting to change all support stuff. I get that it is not forever, but he is already not paying me on time. He is always behind a month at a time, and I just cannot get on my feet. I want to arrange an amount, reduce spousal, but he won't negotiate. So I feel that is one of the reasons for wanting my daughter half the time. If she wanted to go, I would consider it, but she doesn't. And is so upset over the possibility. He has a big legal firm to help him, I have no lawyer. I cannot afford one. I am in a bad way, and need some help, guidance, encouragement?

[standing on the sidelines]

your daughter is 14 and if she doesn't want to go, no one can force her. On the flip side she should be encouraged to have a relationship with her father. She may not like the new gf who is going to become a step-mom to her but has she given the relationship a chance? Your daughter should give it a try and maybe she will find out that the gf brings out the better qualities of dad and now he actually knows that he screwed up.

Don't be motivated to stop this just due to the fact your CS will be cut down...that is going to happen soon anyways and it shouldn't be motivation for you to stop the 50/50. If he is a month behind on his payments that should not be stopping you from getting back on your feet. A year or more then maybe.

Your fear of "losing your daughter" is irrational. Do you think she would actually run away from you also? It most likely an empty threat used for her to try and manipulate the situation. If she tells you at 16 she wants you to buy her a car or whatever or she will run away...would you?

[MS Mom]

Classic case of wanting to change custody for the purposes of reduced child support. In my experience this happens once the new girlfriend realizes the 60/40 access/child support factor and then pushes for dad to "exercise his rights".

I've dealt with it twice now - once for the ex girlfriend and once for the new wife.

[arabian]

Yes I've observed a consistent correlation of new partner and revision of access/CS. Always comes down to the money even though it is conveniently presented as one parent suddenly wanting to spend more quality time with estranged children. Its quite blatant (to me).

[FB_]

I would send an offer to settle. With a slow increase of "Defined" access for the next year. He will either step up and be a "Dad" or he won't. I wouldn't agree to a change is any support until this is proven and everyone is happy.

I guess the question to you, is it about money for you?

At 14 your daughter absolutely does have a say and if she doesn't want the relationship it probably won't be forced on her.

However saying that she really should give him a chance...He will either prove himself or he won't

[MS Mom]

I would send an offer to settle. With a slow increase of "Defined" access for the next year. He will either step up and be a "Dad" or he won't. I wouldn't agree to a change is any support until this is proven and everyone is happy.

I guess the question to you, is it about money for you?

At 14 your daughter absolutely does have a say and if she doesn't want the relationship it probably won't be forced on her.

However saying that she really should give him a chance...He will either prove himself or he won't

He's had a chance - she's 14. He's had 14 years of chances.

This isn't about money for the OP - he's already not paying the right amount, now he wants to justify that by a 50/50 custody schedule.

If he wants his bid for 50/50 to be taken seriously, he should be paying what he's already ordered to pay and then nobody would think this is about a reduction for him.

[DowntroddenDad]

He's had a chance - she's 14. He's had 14 years of chances.

This isn't about money for the OP - he's already not paying the right amount, now he wants to justify that by a 50/50 custody schedule.

If he wants his bid for 50/50 to be taken seriously, he should be paying what he's already ordered to pay and then nobody would think this is about a reduction for him.

Access and support should not be joined as an issue. The child has a right to both parents, regardless of the financial issues.

You assume that increased access is about money. You may be right, but it should not be assumed.

[FB_]

Access and support should not be joined as an issue. The child has a right to both parents, regardless of the financial issues.

You assume that increased access is about money. You may be right, but it should not be assumed.

People make mistakes and it's never to late to try and patch the relationship.

The solution I suggested allows him to PROVE that is his motive and not money.

At 14 it will be very obvious what his motives are... He will either fully accept her into his home and do everything necessary to promote that relationship or he won't.

He should be paying support ordered until this is proven.

[MS Mom]

Access and support should not be joined as an issue. The child has a right to both parents, regardless of the financial issues.

You assume that increased access is about money. You may be right, but it should not be assumed.

Absolutely they shouldn't be joined as an issue. Which is why he should have exercised his access before now. It's also why he should have paid full support until his access schedule changes per his request.

[geena]

She has tried with the gf. SHe is an only child and used to 100% of her dad's time Now she doesn't get it. I have told him to try and that she has to suck it up. she is in Councelling also to help with this and other issues with her self esteem. She is encouraged to go continually by me. She also says she spends the whole time in her room when she's there. She hears the having sex and she can't have her dad to herself ever. I have spoke to her dad as I was married to him, and told him to try and keep it down. He just denies it. Sadly I know that part is true. However there are many issues that they have which has led her to to not wanting to gothere.
No. This is not about money for me. I want my daughter with me because I love her and genuinely want her home. Sure the support helps greatly and is used for her. If she was with him I would not expect anything. The issue is the whole bully tactics and the legal firm. Together him and his fiancé make over 250k a year. They can support her better financially. I am trying to get another job as I am just unable to rely on the support and am told not to rely in it. Sadly I have relied on it. It's supposed to be given to help me not as a bonus. Is I had the means to put some away it would be silly to be ordered support. I'm just really feeling bullied by the powerhouse legal stuff and not knowing where to start with the court proceedings. I can't afford a lawyer.

[Toutou]

He's had a chance - she's 14. He's had 14 years of chances.

This isn't about money for the OP - he's already not paying the right amount, now he wants to justify that by a 50/50 custody schedule.

If he wants his bid for 50/50 to be taken seriously, he should be paying what he's already ordered to pay and then nobody would think this is about a reduction for him.

Wo you make a lot of assomptions! they have been separated for 3 years, pror to that he was probably an involved father. OP also mentioned that he works/worked out of town, so could not really have shared custody. And don't say that he should have changed jobs, because he need to earn money to pay for CS, SS. What if he changed his job now? What if he travels less and if it is absolutely necessary his future wife will be there to help him out?

What if he noticed that his relationship with his daughter is not as it used to be, but does not realize that it is because she does not accept his new wife? Maybe his thinks it is all coming from his ex and that the things would be different if his daughter spent more time in their household.

Why are you so judgemental and angry at fathers? Every post you make reeks of anger towards your ex, and men in general.

I am not saying it is not possible that he is doing to reduce CS payments, the way to test that is to let it happen,on a test basis and if it works great a chikld has two involved parents and if it doesn't well go back to previous arrangement, but Op would have something concrete to show why it doesn't work. Although, with the age of her daughter, i dount that he has any chance of getting shared custody if she doesn't agree.

[arabian]

I get so tired of hearing this "access isn't about money." Ridiculous.

I think if the difference, in CS from what she is currently receiving and the CS she would receive should ex get changed custody, was put in a trust account for daughter's education you'd very well might see the ex drop the matter.

It's always about money, in my opinion. I hope the OP is getting annual financial information from ex. Anyone (particularly those who have never been in the situation of the OP) who criticizes a single parent from relying on CS is naive. The reality is that MANY people do indeed rely on CS.

[Toutou]

I get so tired of hearing this "access isn't about money." Ridiculous.

I think if the difference, in CS from what she is currently receiving and the CS she would receive should ex get changed custody, was put in a trust account for daughter's education you'd very well might see the ex drop the matter.

It's always about money, in my opinion. I hope the OP is getting annual financial information from ex. Anyone (particularly those who have never been in the situation of the OP) who criticizes a single parent from relying on CS is naive. The reality is that MANY people do indeed rely on CS.

I would not be so sure about it, that he is doing it just because of the money. If he earns as much as OP says and she earns very little, the difference between offset cs and cs amount he is paying now, would be minimal. And don't forget, he would also have expenses for his daughter while in his care, so for OP's, while cs going to her would be less, amount of money he spends on his child would be higher.

[MS Mom]

Wo you make a lot of assomptions! they have been separated for 3 years, pror to that he was probably an involved father. OP also mentioned that he works/worked out of town, so could not really have shared custody. And don't say that he should have changed jobs, because he need to earn money to pay for CS, SS. What if he changed his job now? What if he travels less and if it is absolutely necessary his future wife will be there to help him out?

What if he noticed that his relationship with his daughter is not as it used to be, but does not realize that it is because she does not accept his new wife? Maybe his thinks it is all coming from his ex and that the things would be different if his daughter spent more time in their household.

Why are you so judgemental and angry at fathers? Every post you make reeks of anger towards your ex, and men in general.

I am not saying it is not possible that he is doing to reduce CS payments, the way to test that is to let it happen,on a test basis and if it works great a chikld has two involved parents and if it doesn't well go back to previous arrangement, but Op would have something concrete to show why it doesn't work. Although, with the age of her daughter, i dount that he has any chance of getting shared custody if she doesn't agree.

I'm not judgemental and angry at fathers. I'm angry at people who ignore their kids until someone more important reminds them that if they get 50/50 their support goes down. This has NOTHING to do with gender. I'd feel the same way if the roles were reversed, but they're not.

Why are you jumping to the conclusion that this is about gender and not disgust in ignoring parental responsibility?

Why are you so determined that disinterested parents get access they so obviously don't want?

[MS Mom]

I get so tired of hearing this "access isn't about money." Ridiculous.

I think if the difference, in CS from what she is currently receiving and the CS she would receive should ex get changed custody, was put in a trust account for daughter's education you'd very well might see the ex drop the matter.

It's always about money, in my opinion. I hope the OP is getting annual financial information from ex. Anyone (particularly those who have never been in the situation of the OP) who criticizes a single parent from relying on CS is naive. The reality is that MANY people do indeed rely on CS.

Correct. Timing tells the real story. If he were paying what was ordered already, it may be easier to believe that he really wants to see his child. But, it sounds like adjusting the agreement to suit the payments to me.