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  • Backdating Date of Separation

    Has anyone here been in disagreement with the date of separation? If so, tell me your story.

    My ex blindsided me March 4, 2016 and left. He had apparently been planning it for months as he had bought a new house 5 months earlier, had it renovated and purchased all new furnishings before he left me. He schemed behind my back for months yet we carried on our daily lives as before. We were married 23 years.

    He is adamant to backdate the date of separation to the previous September (2015). His excuses went from "it coincides with his year end and would make it easier for valuation" to he was a "victim of physical assault 7 months earlier and it was understood we were separated" (total bs).

    Obviously he wants to backdate the separation date for financial purposes, but sInce he has yet to disclose all of his information we are unsure what the difference monetarily is. We have had one case conference and the Justice has made endorsements for my ex to provide valuations for both his suggested date of separation, my suggested date, as well as his 2017 year end (he's a lawyer by the way).

    Backdating this date is of the utmost importance to him. His lawyer is very nasty and his Affidavits have been full of lies. We may have to have a separate trial just to determine the date of separation and I am so far in debt already I am wondering how long I can last and see it through. My gut feeling tells me he is hiding money and assets, and I need to stick this out.


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  • #2
    up until you separated (when you think the time was) were you still sharing the same bed? Still doing things as a family like family functions like him going to your relatives for Christmas. If you guys did do stuff like that then he would be hard pressed saying you were separated in September.

    He is probably trying to save his new house and stuff he bought. He needs to provide his financials so equalization can be done. I bet he is trying to say he bought the house etc after separation.

    Where did the money come from to buy the house etc that he now has?

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    • #3
      We carried on exactly the same. Sharing the same bed is not an issue as he has slept in a spare room early on in our marriage due to excessive snoring. Nonetheless we managed to have 5 pregnancies throughout. We ate meals together, socialized together, parented as a unit and attended family functions together, etc. And, I have dozens of emails between us during that period he says we were living separate and apart indicating that we were still a functioning married couple. It's baffling to me he's pursuing to try and prove otherwise.

      As for where he got the money for his new house, that is a mystery but our finances were always handled by him through his office. I'm sure he has a line of credit. He's been a lawyer for nearly 30 years and has a successful practice. Any bank would loan him money.


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      • #4
        Seems pretty obvious to me that March 4, 2016 is your date of separation, as before that date, you had no clue the marriage was ending.

        His strategy does appear to be to wear you down, financially and by bullying, until you agree with him. Therefore his preferred date can only be to his benefit, not yours.

        That said, however, you can be "right" all you want, but you have to decide if the cost of being "right" is worth the fight and the results. It sounds like he's willing to fight you to the bitter end, even if it means more money going to lawyers than would ever have been given to you.

        If you win, you'll get the correct equalization, and he'll have to pay your costs to get there. Does your lawyer think you have a chance, based on your evidence (the emails)?

        It's hard to make the decision until you have all three sets of his financials for the three possible dates. Did the judge give him a deadline, or can he keep draining you indefinitely?

        Do your research and your own financials and best guesses to his, and get prepared.

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        • #5
          I'd stand your ground on the March 2016 date.

          Your eligibility for CPP shared pension credits may be affected by separation date.
          One wouldn't think that would matter to a successful lawyer who commands a good income as he likely isn't going to be relying in any way on CPP when he retires. However, you don't know what your financial circumstances will be when you are 65 (or when you opt to collect CPP).

          If you or your ex accumulated/purchased any property prior to date of separation then same is considered to be part of "matrimonial property." Your ex may just want to not have to include his new digs into the equation.

          Your separation date may make a difference on your ex's partnership position (or partnership insurance) - something to check out or ask about.

          As you go through financial disclosure you will likely be enlightened as to why the separation date is so important to your ex. The fact that he is being so adamant about it would make me stop in my tracks and question things.

          Of course, you have retained respectable, experienced legal counsel? Your ex is responsible for the behavior and actions of his lawyer. He likely told the lawyer to be aggressive and intimidate. With this in mind I'd minimize your exposure to opposing counsel. Let your lawyer take care of things. Go have a spa holiday and do something nice for yourself.

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          • #6
            Lol. Thanks.

            Yes, i have counsel. Actually, my first lawyer was recommended to me by a family law lawyer who is now a judge. My lawyer was a nice guy and seemed competent, but after speaking with soooooo many more friends in "the biz", I learned he would not be aggressive enough for my needs. As of last week I have a new lawyer, and she is a Spitfire! And costly.

            My "Wasband" (that's my name for my ex) and I have not spoken since he left. His lawyer is an incompetent boob, a buddy he went to law school with. Think of the comedian Louie Anderson. This guy came to our wedding. He doesn't do strictly Family Law and it's obvious.

            His lawyer is good at verbal diarrhea, and his correspondence is so comical and grammatically incorrect I forward his letters to family and friends so we can all be amused. They plan to drag this matter on for as long as possible, because my Wasband will have a sizeable equalization payment to pay me, as well as spousal support the rest of my life.

            In the meantime, I sink in debt. I visit my Loan Shark in the morning, my 83 year old father, who I am already in debt $40,000 to.


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            • #7
              Originally posted by Karma2016 View Post
              ... "it coincides with his year end and would make it easier for valuation"
              I would think that's an admission of backdating for purposes of cutting you out.

              Since you mentioned operating as family, events and whatnot, would you have photos at events with him since his backdate? I think that would further prove things.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Karma2016 View Post
                Lol. Thanks.

                Yes, i have counsel. Actually, my first lawyer was recommended to me by a family law lawyer who is now a judge. My lawyer was a nice guy and seemed competent, but after speaking with soooooo many more friends in "the biz", I learned he would not be aggressive enough for my needs. As of last week I have a new lawyer, and she is a Spitfire! And costly.

                My "Wasband" (that's my name for my ex) and I have not spoken since he left. His lawyer is an incompetent boob, a buddy he went to law school with. Think of the comedian Louie Anderson. This guy came to our wedding. He doesn't do strictly Family Law and it's obvious.

                His lawyer is good at verbal diarrhea, and his correspondence is so comical and grammatically incorrect I forward his letters to family and friends so we can all be amused. They plan to drag this matter on for as long as possible, because my Wasband will have a sizeable equalization payment to pay me, as well as spousal support the rest of my life.

                In the meantime, I sink in debt. I visit my Loan Shark in the morning, my 83 year old father, who I am already in debt $40,000 to.


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                feel for you... particularly when you do your taxes the first time. You do realize that all the SS you receive is taxable.... yeah sure you can write off your lawyers against it but it will sure to fuck you up. Make sure you lawyer factors that into things.

                My ex had a few "top" female lawyers ... they were dreadful... terrible courtroom presence. Be sure to watch yours in action (in a courtroom).... you may change your mind. Important thing is how the judges accept the lawyer - everything else (letter-writing) is irrelevant in the end. If the judge hates your lawyer you're doomed.

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                • #9
                  Backdating Date of Separation

                  It mind baffling that someone can be so unhappy that they're setting up a new life and the other spouse has absolutely no idea. To me that indicates that you were both roommates a long time ago. I don't believe for a second that you were completely unaware. Reading your post, you are not a fool and I think that as much as he's playing games, so are you. Too bad because it will impact your children and grandchildren relationship with you both long term.

                  Likely, the courts will side with you and the lawyers will be the only real winners. But I guess you will get the satisfaction of some extra cash (you don't even know what you're fighting for!) and be vindicated as being the victim - priceless.




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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by len14 View Post
                    It mind baffling that someone can be so unhappy that they're setting up a new life and the other spouse has absolutely no idea. To me that indicates that you were both roommates a long time ago. I don't believe for a second that you were completely unaware. Reading your post, you are not a fool and I think that as much as he's playing games, so are you. Too bad because it will impact your children and grandchildren relationship with you both long term.

                    Likely, the courts will side with you and the lawyers will be the only real winners. But I guess you will get the satisfaction of some extra cash (you don't even know what you're fighting for!) and be vindicated as being the victim - priceless.




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                    Wow. Judgmental much? I quarantine you I had absolutely no idea what he was planning, nor did our kids. I was fooled and believe me I felt like a fool. We were certainly not in a loving relationship at the time, but we were not combative and carried on our lives as a married couple would. I was devastated and required medical care. What he did was cruel, and unnecessary. He always has been conflict avoidance and didn't have the "cojones" nor decency to end the marriage like a proper man.

                    There is evidence he was having an affair at the time as well, although I am not 100% certain.

                    You are correct it will impact our adult children and future grandchildren. Had he not been a total prick, we could have possibly continued to coparent amicably. But I do not see that happening anytime in the near future. And I am not looking for "extra cash" as you say; I am only expecting what the law allows i.e. Equal division of our assets acquired during the marriage. Obviously he is hiding assets, otherwise the date of separation would not be an issue.




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                    • #11
                      I'm sorry it came across as judgemental. I was actually feeling sad for your family because your situation is highly emotionally charged and it will only have negative ramifications.

                      In most marriages where the relationships continue past the expiry date, typically infidelity occurs and a lot of other crappy things. You say the marriage wasn't loving, I think that you both are responsible for fixing or moving on - not continuing with the banalities of life and then being devastated when the inevitable occurs. Marriage breakdowns are not one sided unless your partner is a narcissist.

                      Perhaps in his mind he truly sees the separation as having started earlier. If there's that much $ at stake then a forensic accountant will get to the bottom of it - there's paper/electronic trails to everything thankfully! Furthermore if he's simply contesting separation date, that doesn't indicate that he's hiding assets, more likely he doesn't want to share appreciation of property he purchased since his version of the separation date - many here wouldn't fault him for that! You make no mention on whether he has declared the down payment of his new home.

                      From a human perspective and from a woman's perspective my heart breaks for what your feeling. Falling apart when there were signs of a break down in marriage is quite dramatic- you have to be the strong mother your children deserve.

                      Accusing the father of your 5 children of defrauding you and being a cheater will only hurt them and will prevent healing.

                      If I were in your shoes there wouldn't be any amount of money that would force me into litigation and put my fate into the hands of a judge and pay copious amounts of hard earned money to the lawyers.

                      It's funny how one single act of kindness towards your stbx will turn this around and mediate instead - trust that this is achievable even in highly contentious situations. Even more importantly it will protect your kids from the high conflict.






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                      • #12
                        I was not devastated the marriage ended, it's what he did and how he did it: He took me out for dinner, when we arrived home he stood in the driveway holding an envelope, announced he wasn't coming in, that our marriage was over, he was leaving and he had a house. I stood there in disbelief. I asked him to come inside to discuss the details and he said there was nothing to discuss, handed me the envelope and left.

                        When I went in the house, all of his possessions were gone. His friends had come in the house and moved him out.

                        Inside the envelope was a 6 page letter from him (very business like) and a letter from his lawyer. His letter indicated he had cut off my credit cards, and he decided he would put me on his payroll through his office a minimum wage. With that I was to pay all the expenses of our 3000 sq ft home, the car payment, get my own cell plan, the utilities, the taxes, everything. (I quickly went into debt as this was not feasible).

                        Yes I will have to hire a forensic accountant. He's not "simply contesting the separation date;" he is making up all kinds of lies to convince the court we were living separate and apart until he left, when we were not. It is discouraging that an officer of the court such as he can sign Affidavits that are full of falsehoods.

                        We keep the kids from knowing the details. I do not speak of him while they are visiting from school. They do know I am having financial difficulty.

                        You are wrong about a single act of kindness in our situation. I've already done that yet he continues to make my life miserable financially. In fact, at his insistence I sold the matrimonial home needing my half of the value (the house was in my name only) to pay for my new townhouse. He knew that for 5 months yet two weeks before closing he refused to sign the consent of sale demanding all the proceeds be held in trust. My lawyer had to start an application to get a judge to force him to consent, otherwise I would be in breach of contract. He eventually cooperated and my half of the proceeds were released to me on closing; his half still sits in trust.

                        It is clear he intends to make this difficult so that I do waste money on lawyers to get him to do what he has to do anyway. It's been 18 months and he STILL hasn't given us his income tax returns for the past 3 years.

                        I am over $56,000 in debt to my father while he bought a new $100,000 Audi. We've never bought new vehicles (always used), so he's got money somewhere.


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                        • #13
                          What a jerk. Hire a forensic accountant and get EVERYTHING you can. You and your kids will need it. Forget about kindness, he is a stranger now, you have to look after your kids - they are your priority.

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                          • #14
                            Is he supporting the kids financially?


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                            • #15
                              What a dickless ahole.

                              Your legal journey will be long (because he has the $$ to make it so). You can most definitely have your lawyer get Order to advance you money from matrimonial property to pay your bills and ensure that you have proper legal representation. Court will ensure you can litigate on equal footing. Get this done yesterday. Of course your lawyer will arrange interim Order for SS (this is usually very high to encourage the dick-head to NOT drag things out).

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