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  • New member intro...

    Hello,

    After almost 12 years of marriage I never thought I'd be joining this site, but here I am. Everyone has a story, most want to know, some pass judgment and others don't. As a result of my actions, I am now a single dad with 3 beautiful children, 2 boys, 12 and 10, and my princess although far from it, who is 4. So what happened? Ultimately the end was because I cheated. I had a long lasting affair. I find it easiest on me if I just say it like it is, it's a double edged sword anyway. If I tell people, more people know, there is more embarrassment and humiliation but if I don't I'm deemed a coward for not taking responsibility for what I did.

    I take some solace in the counselling I've had and the meaningful books I've read to help me through this paradigm shift in knowing that yes, although my actions caused the end, the complexity of the 'issues' that may or may not have contributed to it, are varied and run deep. I've explored my childhood, upbringing and experiences that contributed to my mould. I explored the full spectrum of issues in my marriage that caused me to build these walls a mile high, composed of anger and resentment which I now have to overcome in order to move forward. And, I'll continue exploration to try and make myself a better person and continue to exceed as being a loving and dedicated dad.

    I don't want to air dirty laundry, this needs to be done between me and my ex; probably will never happen in the way it should and really serves no purpose unless we are trying to reconcile. Some say everything happens for a reason. God, if there is one, has a plan. In my line of work, I've seen some pretty horrible things and can't understand why god would want anyone to suffer these things. I believe there are reasons why things happen. Dr. Phil says, no matter how flat the pancake, there is always another side.

    We've sold the house we worked so hard to create, the deep rooted family we once had is now fractured, the marriage we once had, now broken and I'm realizing that being a single dad is not cool. Aging parents, few family members and severed friendships not to mention now being alone with the rest of it: lifelong financial commitments different from the objectives I had, back in the dating scene when all I wanted was a wife that would fulfill my basic needs. I was told by another woman, guys are pretty simple: they want to be fucked, fed and appreciated from time to time and in most cases you'll live a happy life.

    I married a beautiful woman, a model in fact, with many endearing qualities. She nurtures our children, but lacked the ability to nurture me somwthing i was starved of in childhood and desired as an adult. In counselling when I let her have it, I was appalled when her response to my beefs were 'I guess I'm just old fashioned, I just expected to be taken care of'. Again, I don't want to air dirty laundry; she has her side to tell.

    A brief intro to a story I feel is becoming a broken record. Filled with sadness, guilt, fear, uncertainty and all the other negatives, I do realize there are positives in all this.

    I cheated. Im to blame. I am and will be forever sorry. My ex didnt deserve this, my family and friends didnt deserve this. I was unhappy and in seeking happiness made things worse. But I'm reconstructing!
    Last edited by ehbe1036; 07-07-2012, 10:51 AM. Reason: Add the most important comment

  • #2
    Welcome! I hope that helps for you to get it off your chest

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you! On another note, I'd welcome suggestions for support groups and/or ideas to help a single dad with 3 kids along the way in reestablishing ourselves!

      Comment


      • #4
        Well written and honest.

        You are very self aware and that is good.

        Your wife deserved better, she was being herself, you were being dishonest, there is a difference. You didn't owe it to your wife to remain in a marriage that does not work for you, but you did owe it to her to be in the marriage, and you were not.

        You seem to be growing as a result of this, which will be good for you and your kids.

        If you stay on your path, you will be happy and content once again.

        Welcome

        Comment


        • #5
          Welcome to the forum. Getting connected is a good start to your new life.

          I hope you have a clean break with little litigation.

          Comment


          • #6
            Welcome. You are very honest and self aware. (Sounds like something straight out of a fortune cookie!) BUT: Some people spend a lifetime being neither. We all make mistakes. Some of us, big ones. You have lost a lot, but you are gaining in other areas. I try to believe there's a "reason" for most everything too. Often, I just don't know what the "reasons" are. Onward and upward. Your candor is rather rare, I think. Seeking support with honesty I believe will see that you find it.

            Comment


            • #7
              A few thoughts

              Billm,

              Thanks for your opinion. One thing I've learned from my experiences is that we must be empathetic and have the ability to validate another's feelings and emotions. After all and if for no other reason, we are all human beings and being able to do so in a relationship is imperative to it's success! Certainly no one has the right to tell another how to think or feel, we all do these things differently. In a relationship we know that establishing common ground leads to success and fortifies the strength of that relationship.

              As I go through this, I am careful to avoid using absolutes. These situations are sometimes, beyond comprehension in terms of complexity. To say my wife was being herself and I was being dishonest seems to minimize this complexity although I suspect it is not your intention to do so. We only see the tip of an iceberg.

              This is why books like "After the Affair" By Dr. Janis Springs and "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Susan Johnson are international bestsellers and books like "How to Deal with a Narcisstic Spouse in a Seperation" are not.

              We all do the best we can, regardless of the situation.

              Comment


              • #8
                Welcome and good for you! I am sure it was not easy to tell the truth to complete strangers, however some times it is easier to tell strangers than tell those you care about. Why your marriage ended is really no ones business, seeing as we have no fault divorce, but by being so honest and open, you are going to find the responses you get are going to be more sincere and straight forward.

                Welcome once again to the forum... I hope you find the advice you are seeking!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Welcome to the forum!

                  I must say your honesty is appreciated. I was also happy to read that you are seeking the help that you feel you need, this will help you heal as well as move forward in your relationship with your children.

                  You will find a great deal of helpful people on this site, who will always be very open and honest with you in their opinions and won't sugar coat it for you! This in the long run, is a blessing......you will hear what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

                  Good luck
                  Angie

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ehbe1036 View Post
                    I married a beautiful woman, a model in fact, with many endearing qualities. She nurtures our children, but lacked the ability to nurture me somwthing i was starved of in childhood and desired as an adult. In counselling when I let her have it, I was appalled when her response to my beefs were 'I guess I'm just old fashioned, I just expected to be taken care of'. Again, I don't want to air dirty laundry; she has her side to tell
                    It was not her job to make you feel better.

                    If you didn't feel nurtured in childhood, it is up to you to fix it.

                    Expecting someone else to fix whats broken is not taking responsibility for yourself. You 'let her have it' in counselling and then expected things to change without changing yourself. How did the counsellor help you? Did they let you pass the blame to her? Because it sounds like you are still blaming her.

                    You type an eloquent story, but I would like to know what she would say if she read this.

                    You ended your marriage long before it was officially over by having a long lasting affair. Anyone in a relationship deserves better than that, including your mistress.

                    I wish you well in your journey.

                    And no, I wasn't cheated on, just heard this sort of rational for hurtful behaviour way too many times.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Sorry but I have to agree with "Frustrated" I raised and nurtured 4 sons and I left my husband of 34 years because I was tired of "nurturing" him. I wanted a husband not another child. Once the boys were grown and left the house I always had one more child who would never grow up.

                      Even to this day he will not talk to our youngest son 33 yrs old because he knows this son is close to me. What better way to punish me than to not talk to his son.
                      Are we hurting like he hopes we are. No not at all. Youngest is getting married in September and EX is not invited but everyone else is.

                      Life's a bitch and then you die...gotta be hell when you die alone or is that "karma"

                      Ahhh life is good

                      L ;-)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Lorac - my ex is cut of the same cloth... won't talk to our 31 yr old son, instead has girlfriend stalk him at work. Pathetic.

                        We too have carried on. Certainly not the way I would have envisioned things though.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Comments

                          Hello Lorac, thanks for your opinion.

                          I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out, I hope you were able to overturn every stone towards a reconciliation. It's in the best interest of everyone if you can. But, everyone has a line in the sand and once it's crossed, there is no turning back.

                          I would suggest that for any relationship to be healthy, there has to be nurturing on both parts. Isn't that one of the most intimate components that contributes to the foundation?

                          I don't see the relationship between nurturing and your ex's lack of contact with the kids. Could there be another issue here?

                          I don't look at life being a 'bitch and then you die' at all. I made mistakes which I will carry with me until I die. But, I'm learning in many ways, to be a better person either alone or with someone special. And, I will continue to exceed at my fatherly responsibilities; I have a fantastic relationship with my kids.

                          I would say life is full of many things, both positive and negative. We embrace the positive, struggle through the negative.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Coments

                            Hello "Frustrated with Ex" and thanks for your opinion.

                            I never said it was "her job to make me feel better". I referred to nurturung and being nurtured.

                            I know for me as an adult, and when I was married, I loved nurturing and wanted to be nurtured. There was a huge an imbalance the complexity of which goes beyond the scope of this forum. But, I feel it's an integral component to the success of a relationship.

                            Indeed, there was plenty of work for BOTH of us to do. I don't blame her for anything. I blame myself for going outside the marriage. But, you can only say that so many times. At some point, a professional will say, OK, you've said that enough. Now if you want, lets look at the reasons why it happened. This is integral for reconciliation. If reconciliation is not an option and you are going your seperate ways, the discovery process should only be done to help you move forward. It's not meant to reinforce a position you might have while you were in the relationship.

                            Keep in mind that there are many aspects that contribute to the end of a marriage, not just infidelity and they can cause just as much hurt. Plenty of marriages end over many other issues.

                            I would EXPECT that she would have her side of the story, which is equally as important as mine. After all, there were 2 of us in this relationship. It's not "rationale", it's empathy and validation of how someone feels.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              1. I'm not usually sarcastic in any way shape or form but....
                              2. And your reason for straying outside the marriage would be "my wife doesn't understand me?
                              3. As far as "nurturing" the Oxford Dictionary defines it as "care for and protect a child or young plant so that it will grow and develop." So I guess what I'm trying to say or perhaps I already said it "I was tired of nurturing him" did I say "I raised and nurtured 4 sons into adulthood"
                              4. What part of not growing up did I miss in my post.
                              5. Don't use psychology on me, or reverse psychology, or twist things around to your advantage...I'm not a game player. I can talk, verbalize, articulate, vocalize with the best of them or I can swear like a fucking trucker, choose your poison.
                              6. After 35 years of marriage compared to your 12 you're telling me, I hope you turned over every stone to save this marriage WTF
                              Last edited by Lorac; 07-10-2012, 07:32 AM.

                              Comment

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