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  • New Dad here, trying to get 50/50 of my kids

    I've been lurking here for the better part of 5 months since I separated from my ex.

    Like many of you, I"m currently in the process of trying to get 50/50 residency and custody of my two children, S3 and D6. Even though she wants 75/25 and sole custody (for no good reason), the ex has been going along with 50/50 for the last 3 months and our first case conference is in Feb. Also like many of you, my ex is the my-way-or-the-highway type of person and does not negotiate, she demands. She's also the type that belittles, dismisses and devalues me at every opportunity she gets. She isn't quite as bad as some of what I've read here, but she has made false accusations and tried to exacerbate conflict in an attempt to support her case. I"m currently living alone (with kids every other week) in the matrimonial home and she is living with her boyfriend one neighborhood over.

    Anyways, this forum is a wealth of information and it's comforting to see I'm not alone with my struggles and there are many like me out there. Life is stressful for me right now but so far, I'm dealing with it well.

  • #2
    document the time you have with them now to show that it has been 50/50. You are in a good position from what you are writing. Do not be alone with her in case she tries some drastic measures to get what she wants (false DV/assault charge)

    Divorce is stressful but sometimes its more stressful to stay in an unhappy marriage. You will get through this one step at a time.

    Welcome to the forum. Since you are a lurker I am sure that you have gotten a feel for some of the posters on here. There are some bitter people but most are good natured and try to help.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks. I have been documenting the time with kids and events in my life in a daily calendar since about week 3 on advice from my sister. And yes, I've been warned about not being alone with her and being prepared for her to possibly try more drastic measures. Back in August she tried this tactic and it started to work until I smartened up. At one point she called the Police on me. That was followed up by a subsequent CAS investigation. There were no charges laid and the CAS case was closed as neither of them found anything to be concerned about. This is one of the incidents she used in her answer to try prove her allegation that I have anger management and control issues and why I shouldn't be given 50/50 custody of my kids. There were about 5 issues in total during the first 2 months after we separated. After the police indecent in August, there was one more conflict shortly after and then there's been nothing since. I have no history of any of this sort of behavior prior to us separating. Full disclosure, we were together for 17 years, married for 7 of it, so the "no history" is meaningful here I think.

      I'm not sure how much she is going continue to try and press the anger and control allegations against me in court since she doesn' t have anything to work with from what I can tell. To the best of my knowledge, I think she is just going to plead that we are not able to co-operate (because of her unwillingness and dismissals, imo) and therefore joint custody can not work. She may also try to accuse me of parental alienation with absolutely not true.
      I've been keeping specific email documentation where we have (sometimes with some arguments) co-operated on child related issues to try to counter the not-able-co-operate argument but I'm not completely sure how to counter being accused of parental alienation. I absolutely value D3's and D6's time with her, which is why I am only asking 50/50. I do not bad mouth her, I encourage the kids to call her if they want to and I tell them to respect her rules and decisions. How do I prove that? I've even made exceptions to the 50/50 time sharing on the few occasions she has requested to take them during my time with them, but those are easier to prove.

      Comment


      • #4
        if the kids are happy with her and want to see her then there is no PA going on at all, she would have to prove it. Maybe video tape exchanges or have a witness who can testify that the kids are happy to go to mom when its her parenting time.

        Just remember she is going to sling as much mud as she can hoping that some will stick.

        Comment


        • #5
          I'm trying my best to be like teflon and not let anything she slings stick. It's hard, given her actions and having to listen to my kids talk about the new boyfriend so soon, but I have my sights on the finish line which is my life with my kids going forward.

          I do question though, if she is able to prove that we can not co-operate, does that automatically rule out joint custody and/or 50/50 residency? Should I then start asking for parallel parenting?

          Like I said, in my opinion, we can co-operate. Sometimes there is an argument and both of us are stubborn and usually I'll cave to her demands, but when it comes down to it, we're getting the job done and the kids don't know there is arguing because it's being done over email. They are not exposed to any of it.

          I've had D6 tell me that her mother told her she would be able to change her last name to have 2 last names, her maiden name, and my own. Both kids currently have my last name.

          Should I be concerned about this? Is there anyway she can do this without my authorization? If she gets sole custody (decision making) does she then have to right to change the children's last name and/or move out of the country?

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by CanadianMohawk View Post
            I'm trying my best to be like teflon and not let anything she slings stick. It's hard, given her actions and having to listen to my kids talk about the new boyfriend so soon, but I have my sights on the finish line which is my life with my kids going forward.

            I do question though, if she is able to prove that we can not co-operate, does that automatically rule out joint custody and/or 50/50 residency? Should I then start asking for parallel parenting?

            Like I said, in my opinion, we can co-operate. Sometimes there is an argument and both of us are stubborn and usually I'll cave to her demands, but when it comes down to it, we're getting the job done and the kids don't know there is arguing because it's being done over email. They are not exposed to any of it.

            I've had D6 tell me that her mother told her she would be able to change her last name to have 2 last names, her maiden name, and my own. Both kids currently have my last name.

            Should I be concerned about this? Is there anyway she can do this without my authorization? If she gets sole custody (decision making) does she then have to right to change the children's last name and/or move out of the country?
            Look at it this way, some day you will meet someone else and then the kids will have (hopefully) two more people to love and care for them.

            There is nothing wrong with the kids having their mothers last name also. I know my friends ex wants to change the daughters last name (not the two boys) and it is written into their separation agreement that she cannot do that. She needs him to sign the papers to do it and he refuses. Mind you she doesn't want to hyphen the name, she wants to change the daughters last name fully to her maiden name and totally get rid of my friends last name.

            You need to have a mobility clause in your agreement so she cannot move a certain distance.

            The one thing that bothers my friend. His ex has broken the agreement so many times (yes I told him to document) but he feels like the courts wont do anything. So no matter how well your agreement is written, it takes two to follow it. Its best to be very detailed about holidays, make up time, vacations etc. Don't have phrases like "they will split equally" (set out specifics like Christmas day in even years you get and odd she gets) get travel covered and every little detail you can think of. Don't leave stuff open-ended "to be decided by mutual consent" type of thing. Face it if your ex is this bad then she will ask for you to consent to stuff but when you want the favour returned, she wont be so courteous to you.

            Comment


            • #7
              Changing the name will be unlikely given the age of your kids, they are established in their communities with those names.

              You are doing great so far, keep it up.

              Does she work? Is she going to have more babies or any other excuse to stay home?

              Psychologically delete her from your mind and focus on your kids, career and everything else. She sounds like a pathetic terrible person and will no longer be able to generate misery in your life unless you let her to.

              Comment


              • #8
                I have another question and its be a big one:

                Currently, I am living at the matrimonial home "alone". She moved out on Nov 1 to her boyfriends, however, she didn't move all of her stuff, hasn't changed her fixed address and still uses my insurance policy for her car (She pays me her portion). She also entered the house last friday without notice and took some property (That was hers). Does this count as having moved out?

                I ask, because of 2 things. First, I pay ALL the bills and always have. She would cover childcare expenses, food and entertainment and I would cover the mortgage, taxes, insurances, car payments, utilities, etc. All the bills for everything. When we separated, i still paid ALL the bills and she would still pay all the child care expenses while she started paying her own cell phone bill, car payment and car insurance and I started paying for my own entertainment and clothing as well as my own food when I was without the kids. I would like to attempt to recoup half these costs of maintaining the home since separating. I'm fuzzy on what parts I can attempt to claim in light of the new living situation. She doesn't sleep at the house, but her stuff is there and it's still her fixed address and she comes in without asking.

                Since she started not sleeping at the house (has she or hasn't she moved out?) she has also asked me to pay Child Support (both basic and 50% of the extra expenses) in addition to now being responsible for covering the Children's food and clothing needs when they are with me. It seems like a reasonable request, however, the problem I have with this is that because I am still burdened with the costs of maintaining the matrimonial home of which she is paying nothing towards, and now I have to pay for food and clothing and other items to provide for the kids when I have them, i just don't have the money to give her for CS right now. She doesn't even need it. She's living with her new man (for free, no doubt) and is able to buy gym membership and go on Caribbean vacations. I'm barely scraping buy paying for the house and caring for the children. She is actually making/has made the selling of the home difficult but putting it up for sale at a price far too high and also has rejected requests to hire a realtor to assist with selling because she doesn't want to pay their fees. Financially, it's just too much for me to cover the house, raise children AND pay her child support. Money was tight before when she was covering food and clothing and care of the children and it's even less so now that I have no help from her anymore with these item. Once the house is sold and I can move to a more reasonably priced home for a single parent, I won't have any issue paying CS, but for now, where do I stand? How much can not paying this before we get to court hurt my chances at getting 50/50 access and joint custody?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                  Changing the name will be unlikely given the age of your kids, they are established in their communities with those names.

                  You are doing great so far, keep it up.

                  Does she work? Is she going to have more babies or any other excuse to stay home?

                  Psychologically delete her from your mind and focus on your kids, career and everything else. She sounds like a pathetic terrible person and will no longer be able to generate misery in your life unless you let her to.
                  Yes she works. She makes about $10K less than I do (and she is requesting spousal support as well). I'm very confident there are no babies for her in her future. She's turned far to selfish for that, although, you just never know!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Welcome to the Forum CanadianMohawk.

                    It sounds as though you are a very well-organized individual who received good advice from a sibling. Divorce/separation tends to bring out the very worst in people. It very well may be that your ex is stumbling along with simply trying to justify the reason for the end of the marriage (to herself as well as peers). While you were good enough to be with for 17 years she is likely being peppered with the old question "what went wrong?" - a question many of us face after the end of our divorces. In many instances people lash out at others rather than look at themselves to answer this question. It is much easier to blame someone else for our lot in life rather than to face up to reality.

                    You are going through the problems that most people face when a marriage ends. How to do the best for the children while dividing up the assets/debt.

                    In Alberta it is mandatory that people take a "parenting after divorce" course prior to any case conference or litigation. I don't believe it is mandatory in Ontario but it is nevertheless a valuable course to take. Perhaps you could take the course and suggest your ex do likewise?

                    While you are still communicating with your ex you might want to suggest to her that the two of you use Our Family Wizard program to communicate? I believe it keeps communication child-centred and might assist the two of you. I think if you can get her on board with this (before a judge orders it) you both would be ahead of the game.

                    Are you planning to self-represent or use legal counsel?
                    Last edited by arabian; 12-01-2015, 08:08 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Welcome CanadianMohawk,

                      IMHO, if you are maintaining the matrimonial home and have the children in your care 50/50, the most your ex would be entitled to is offset child support which would be based on the difference in your income vs. her income.

                      You should probably get legal advice but if she has moved out, I would be changing all the locks and putting all her personal belongings into one room where she can come to pick them up with the police there to make sure there is no conflict and she can't falsely claim there was any.

                      You should be able to get a temporary order based on the status quo since she moved out to live with the boyfriend that puts the 50/50 shared parenting on the record and also an order for her to cut the crap and cooperate with listing the house with a reputable realtor at fair market value so you can minimize the financial impact of her departure.

                      You sound like you have your head screwed on straight and that your ex is acting in a selfish and self serving manner (at least for the time being) that is not in the best interest of your young children.

                      As for changing your kids names at this point, not bloody likely, especially if they were born while you were married and both of you signed the paperwork, agreeing on the names of your children at the time.

                      It will probably be long and messy to sort all this out but stay focused on the kids like you have been doing and ignore the bull****.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I am not sure if you can legally change the locks as all she has to do is call a locksmith and get them changed herself. She is part owner of the house and there is no order for exclusive possession.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Arabian;

                          She knows what went wrong (as do I) and I'm not so sure she is stumbling along rather than just getting bad advice from the boyfriend. I'm of the opinion guilt is what is driving her now and I'm hoping it will wear off eventually.

                          "While we are communicating"..that part makes me chuckle. I guess it's true to some extent, but we only comminicate when we have to now. And even then, it's usually me folding to her one-sided demands just to stop nonsense I get back from her.

                          I like the idea of the Our Family Wizard program and will look into it. Mind you, I've suggested parenting courses to her before and as with pretty much anything I suggest, if it's suggested by me, it's rejected. I need to figure out how to make her think she came up with the idea.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by YoungDad23 View Post
                            Welcome CanadianMohawk,

                            IMHO, if you are maintaining the matrimonial home and have the children in your care 50/50, the most your ex would be entitled to is offset child support which would be based on the difference in your income vs. her income.

                            You should probably get legal advice but if she has moved out, I would be changing all the locks and putting all her personal belongings into one room where she can come to pick them up with the police there to make sure there is no conflict and she can't falsely claim there was any.

                            You should be able to get a temporary order based on the status quo since she moved out to live with the boyfriend that puts the 50/50 shared parenting on the record and also an order for her to cut the crap and cooperate with listing the house with a reputable realtor at fair market value so you can minimize the financial impact of her departure.

                            You sound like you have your head screwed on straight and that your ex is acting in a selfish and self serving manner (at least for the time being) that is not in the best interest of your young children.

                            As for changing your kids names at this point, not bloody likely, especially if they were born while you were married and both of you signed the paperwork, agreeing on the names of your children at the time.

                            It will probably be long and messy to sort all this out but stay focused on the kids like you have been doing and ignore the bull****.
                            Yea, I know about the offsetting child support and how much it will be. I'm just wondering if I'll be able to claim undue hardship for the time while I'm stuck in the matrimonial home and strapped for cash. After the house sells, I have no problems paying it, it's just right now, I'm tapped out.


                            I think sidelines is also right that I can't change the locks. I so wish I could. I think the reasoning is the same one that you can't change the locks if you're a renter. The owner of the home is legally allowed to be able to enter so long as proper notice is given. Again, my question here, and it applies to me trying to recoup costs for maintaining the home until it sold, is: Has she moved out or not? She doesn't sleep there anymore, but she won't give notice before entering and taking stuff, has half her belongings there still, (tables,sofa's, bed, dresser, clothes, etc, etc, ) and her address has not be changed. I think the answer to this question might even come into play as to whether or not I have to start paying the offsetting CS now or not.

                            And yes, my kids were born with my last name and that is what is on their birth certificates. I have no desire to add her maiden name to it. If she reverts her name back to her maiden name and wants to change the kids names so they share it, that's too bad for her as far as I am concerned. We agreed on their names when they were born since we were married and she had taken my last name. Her leaving for someone else was a choice she made and this is one of the consequences she is going to have to live with.

                            Lastly, about getting a court order for 50/50 so it's on record; To be honest, I don't want to rock the boat here. I have email proof where she has confirmed that we are doing 50/50 even though she doesn't agree to it. Plus, I'm getting what I want now and things are going along relatively smoothly aside from selling the house. I don't want to do anything that might send her over the edge or try something before we get to the case conference.

                            oh, we are both self-represented at this point in time. I do not intend to change that for myself. I have no idea about her, though suspect she feels the same since she appear to be very driven by her quest for money.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              how much equity is in the house? If she is driven by money like you say then maybe mention to her that one the house is sold she would get a share of that plus you would be able to pay her CS (don't tell her it would be offset, she should figure that out herself)

                              You are maybe stuck paying the stuff for the house (utilities for sure) as you are the one living there. What would be the market rent if you were to rent a comparable type of home? The only sticking point may be that she still has stuff there and hasn't changed her address to reflect her moving out. You may be able to get half the mortgage payments/property tax/insurance but then she may try to claim that you had control over the house and try to nail you with occupational rent. Get the house listed and see what type of offers you get. Not the best time to sell but at least get an agent in to put a realistic value on the house so you can use that to maybe get the court to give you an order to sell the house and your ex wont be able to argue it. If you list it for what she wants and there are no offers then that would be proof she isn't acting reasonably.

                              Comment

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