Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Do HCPs ever give up?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Do HCPs ever give up?

    Does anyone have an HCP-ex who eventually came around and started acting reasonably? Or at least writing reasonable emails?

    My ex and I only communicate through email, but every single email he sends is really aggressive and 9/10 times includes some kind of ridiculous accusation about my parenting.

    I've read the book about BIFF responses (Thanks Tayken!) and have been sending text book replies, but I'm just baffled at how my ex can't see what his emails would look like if a judge read them. What is the purpose of these emails, other than to start an argument? (which I've never taken the bait for)

    I'm going on two years of this and just can't believe he hasn't given up yet.

  • #2
    I have an HCP-ex...who I manage to get along with, for the sake of our son, only because, like you, I never take the bait.

    In my experience...the answer is no. You will always have to be the one to "manage" the relationship with them, otherwise it will escalate into nothing but conflict on every single thing.

    As for the ridiculous accusation about your parenting. Mine does the same thing...however I now understand it comes from a place of "insecurity" in their own parenting abilities. As a result, he lashes out at me on occasion. Again, I just refuse to take the bait and calmly and business-like answer the actual intent of the email or text and ignore the rest.

    Continue with the textbook replies...they serve very well and quickly shut them down.

    In my case...when I keep it business-like and refuse to take the bait we get along very well. Then again...I keep any and all communication with him about our son. He and I do work well together as a team in this manner and I have learned that he rarely lashes out in person...it is generally via email or text.

    Now that he is remarried I find things much easier. He has someone else to blame for all that is wrong in his world. My part is now just around our son...lol

    Comment


    • #3
      The insecurity seems to be the case here too. In the latest email he told me he yelled at the kids at different times over the weekend and then goes on to tell me I have no parenting skills and don't discipline them. He was probably worried the kids were going to tell me they'd been yelled at.

      It's like he's worried that if he doesn't jump all over me about every little thing I might do it to him, and frankly I don't have the time or desire to!

      I thought my ex would get better once he had a new relationship, but that hasn't been the case. And his poor gf looks worn out every time I see her. Really sad, because she's actually pretty nice. I imagine she's getting the blame for everything but the kids' behaviour

      Comment


      • #4
        That is exactly what happens in our case too. I just roll my eyes...thank him for the helpful observations...and keep on with my day.

        Every now and then...when it is getting to be too much...I will initiate a sit-down to go over the rules and expectations at both homes. I find this helps a great deal...because it takes away his ammunition so to speak.

        I knew, when we separated, that the raising of our son together was going to be a constant dance because of his HCP. However, I don't regreat for a second that I no longer am subjected to the accusations "verbally in person". Instead they are via text and email...and can easily be ignored and flushed for what they are...nothing.

        Comment


        • #5
          BTW...I find saying "think your your helpful observations in the way in which we should be parenting our child"...to be very effective in shutting him down immediately. Because I use the term "we" it means I'm not conceeding that he is right and that I am the only one at fault. He can't very well argue his own observation...so nothing more is usually said.

          Comment


          • #6
            I like that one a lot! I have a little notebook with phrases I've learned in William Eddy's books and others about dealing with disordered people. I'll have to add yours. It makes it easy to find the right way to communicate with him quickly. My partner calls it my english to douche dictionary

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
              BTW...I find saying "think your your helpful observations in the way in which we should be parenting our child"...to be very effective in shutting him down immediately. Because I use the term "we" it means I'm not conceeding that he is right and that I am the only one at fault. He can't very well argue his own observation...so nothing more is usually said.
              My husband does that with his ex, she is extremely hc. It doesn't work, he even tried getting her to do the ourfamilywizard programs, Tayken had recommended it, she flat out refused.

              What other things have you tried? We find with her, it doesn't matter, you could tell her she was the best mom in the world and she will tear into him. When is comes to sharing things that are going on their child's life, she will not tell him, and she will tell their son not to tell him. The sad thing is, the son and his ex will tell my husband's mother. Right now his son is being bullied (this one kids has been bullying him for several years now) and his son and ex have told my husband's mom, but when my husband asks his son, he says no??? My husband can't come right out and say his mother told him. His ex told his mother she doesn't tell him because he blames her for everything. It just doesn't even make sense. What do you do in situations like that?

              If he confronts the mother she will freak, and he was told in confidence. He did call the school today to try and find out what is going on, but of course waiting for a call back.

              Sorry I don't mean to steal the op's thread, I was just curious how anybody deals with that sort of thing.

              Comment


              • #8
                Well...in my case...even though he is HCP...he will, when given time and handled the right way, always do what is in the best interest of our child.

                When we first separated his lawyer told him he'd only get one night a week and every other weekend with our child. He was literally in tears when I told him he was leaving me, not our child, and he'd be a parent 50% of the time. This pretty much cemented our working relationship for co-parenting. We continue to work closely on the rules and expectations at both homes...so child has stability at both homes.

                It is far from easy with him being HCP. However...he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt I will always put our child first...and expect no less from him. I also don't make any demands on his parenting time...or expect things to be a "certain way".

                This is the foundation that works for us. ...and it works, to a great deal, because I have worked with a therapist to educate myself in how to handle him the best way...that in turn, benefits all of us. He will never change...so it is up to me to make this work.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Abeona: not in my case. Just last month I thought he was going to be reasonable and stop his senseless legal action. All it turned out to be was him trying to catch me off guard and agree to something. So we're back to using lawyers. Ridiculous.

                  I truly believe the HCP's believe their own bullshit and is why they are like they are.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
                    Well...in my case...even though he is HCP...he will, when given time and handled the right way, always do what is in the best interest of our child.

                    When we first separated his lawyer told him he'd only get one night a week and every other weekend with our child. He was literally in tears when I told him he was leaving me, not our child, and he'd be a parent 50% of the time. This pretty much cemented our working relationship for co-parenting. We continue to work closely on the rules and expectations at both homes...so child has stability at both homes.

                    It is far from easy with him being HCP. However...he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt I will always put our child first...and expect no less from him. I also don't make any demands on his parenting time...or expect things to be a "certain way".

                    This is the foundation that works for us. ...and it works, to a great deal, because I have worked with a therapist to educate myself in how to handle him the best way...that in turn, benefits all of us. He will never change...so it is up to me to make this work.
                    Maybe that is something we need to look at, the therapist. It doesn't seem to matter how you approach her, even if words it "we", nothing works with her, well no approach he has used so far. He can send her flight info, or send an email with what he got their son for Christmas, but if he asks anything important, like how is he doing at school, it turns into a nightmare. He usually gets told it is not her problem to inform him of these things. It is to bad the best interests of the child angle doesn't work for her, but glad it works for you! We will find something, just haven't found the key yet.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by arabian View Post
                      Abeona: not in my case. Just last month I thought he was going to be reasonable and stop his senseless legal action. All it turned out to be was him trying to catch me off guard and agree to something. So we're back to using lawyers. Ridiculous.

                      I truly believe the HCP's believe their own bullshit and is why they are like they are.
                      arabian, did your husband lie before the separation, that you knew of? Did you notice anything before, and was he always hc with you, or everybody?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Unevenplayinggroung...I think you are on the right track when you say you need to find the right "key" that works for your HCP.

                        In my case we have 50/50 so neither of us is a "gatekeeper". I also work hard to let everyone know (from school to extra cirricular) that they need to give information to both of us. I continually follow-up on this...especially with the school. There is nothing that will send my ex HCP over the edge faster than me asking him for information I can get on my own. I don't know why...but it is definitely one of his "buttons"...so I don't push it.

                        I quickly learned that logic and expecting to be treated like we treat them rarely applies when dealing with someone who is HCP. What works today may not work tomorrow and what is fine today may not be fine tomorrow...hence the constant dance.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
                          I have an HCP-ex...who I manage to get along with, for the sake of our son, only because, like you, I never take the bait.

                          In my experience...the answer is no. You will always have to be the one to "manage" the relationship with them, otherwise it will escalate into nothing but conflict on every single thing.

                          As for the ridiculous accusation about your parenting. Mine does the same thing...however I now understand it comes from a place of "insecurity" in their own parenting abilities. As a result, he lashes out at me on occasion. Again, I just refuse to take the bait and calmly and business-like answer the actual intent of the email or text and ignore the rest.

                          Continue with the textbook replies...they serve very well and quickly shut them down.

                          In my case...when I keep it business-like and refuse to take the bait we get along very well. Then again...I keep any and all communication with him about our son. He and I do work well together as a team in this manner and I have learned that he rarely lashes out in person...it is generally via email or text.

                          Now that he is remarried I find things much easier. He has someone else to blame for all that is wrong in his world. My part is now just around our son...lol
                          I also am faced with the frustrating experience of interacting with a HCP. The first year was ideal and involved minimum conflict as we lived a two minute walk apart from each other. (50/50 physical custody, and joint decision making. Our kids found this ideal; and relations were amicable between my ex and myself.

                          HCP behaviour was manageable in year following physical separation, and although my ex refused to sign the final, final SA, we interacted with minimal tension. The bf entered the picture, and my ex and her bf moved a half hour away: from the kids' school zone. I approached her prior to the move to stress the impact this would have on our children, however, it was a done deal, and she assured me she would take care of all driving.

                          Recently, my ex served me with court documentation requesting sole physical custody and sole decision making for our children; contrary to status quo 50/50 and joint decision making of past 14 months. She originally agreed, then disagreed to counselling for our kids (to deal with their impact of separation). Now she indicated she would like our kids to see a consellor (on her terms/control).

                          Sadly, she has an ulterior motive, and views the counselling as a proactive means to further her own interests - supporting her position. Crazy not putting your kids' mental health first, but as has been said, HCP actually believe the bullshit they preach, and the world should accommodate and change for them. (Twisted mindset of my HCP/ex: "I move 1/2 hr. away from kids' rooted community, and because I'm a great parent, and the OP is not; I should therefore have sole physical custody of kids and sole decision making.")

                          I agree that we likely cannot change HCP. However, we can change the way we react to their irrational behaviour. By being mature and responsible parents, and not getting drawn into their childish responses/actions; we are effectively taking the proper high road for our children, and over time, ideally calming the situation. HCP love drama, and thrive on it: this is their comfort area.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Btw...my ex is way more HCP in other areas of his life...areas I'm no longer a part of...thank goodness. I am also very thankful that he is less HCP when it comes to raising our son...for the most part.

                            When he is going through one of his moments...I often ask myself is this a small battle or a war? I'm prepared to lose a few small battles as long as I win the war. So really it is about me keeping my eye on the big picture of raising our child and not getting bogged down in the day-to-day (means little in the long run) stuff. My ex HCP often gets stuck in the small stuff...so with this in mind it is easy to deal with.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I find with HCP its not just drama...its the poor mes.The never ending whining and wailing and blaming over ALL the shit they did!!!Its bad enough getting blamed for the weather but getting blamed for terrible things they dreamt up and did for their own benefit nobody else’s, is ridiculous.Although getting blamed for the weather is pretty bad too!

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X