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  • Is there something wrong with this picture?

    Is there something wrong with this picture or am I just overreacting? How does one get past the games, the abuse, the use of the children and move onto engaging in a co-parenting situation that is healthy? Is that even possible?

    6 months seperated, mediation just occured and I am now waiting for him to sign the seperation agreement and move on with our lives. We have been sharing the house 50/50 for the kids sakes but I have been paying the lion's share of the household and kids bills so that my credit rating stays good and the kids do not suffer.

    Many requests have been made for him to pitch in more financially, the last of which was responded to last week stating that he will only start to pay his own cell phone bill and gas money when the seperation agreement is signed and finances are formally seperated! I have been drowning financially but doing my best to get through.

    Well, this past weekend, Thanksgiving. First holiday in 11 years that I have not spent with my children. Also my oldest's birthday. A double whammy emotionally however, something I need to get through to be able to live with the new reality.

    I gave her a birthday present before the switch, it was small (under $20) however what I could afford on this pay and she was happy!

    Fast forward 24 hours....gave her a happy birthday phone call. She was really excited. Dad bought her a laptop and "Dad was right, his present kicked your present's butt"

    A laptop? When he claims he will not and can not pay for his own personal expenses like gas, cell phone and car insurance?

    It is not only the extravagence of the present that kills me....it is her comment to me. I cried for 2 hours after getting off the phone.

    Is this a case of him bullying, using the kids and trying to get to me? Or am I just overreacting and too sensitive?

  • #2
    Originally posted by inseperationhell View Post
    Is this a case of him bullying, using the kids and trying to get to me? Or am I just overreacting and too sensitive?
    It's both. He is being a jackass, but that comes with the territory in divorce. You need a thick skin to get through this.

    Comment


    • #3
      When he claims he will not and can not pay for his own personal expenses like gas, cell phone and car insurance?
      Why on earth are you paying those expenses for him??? Who cares what he says? You are not required to pick up these expenses for him at all. I'm shocked that you've been separated for 6 months and haven't separated out these finances. You need to do that immediately. Of course he can afford to buy the kids laptops if you're paying his way.

      There are your bills, his bills and common bills. You should immediately inform him by email that his bills are his own problem. Cut him off now! The common bills, ie. house, ultilities, phone, etc should be split based on income ratio. The separation agreement really has nothing to do with this. Why would he ever sign it given the current arrangement? He'd be nuts to give up the gravy train. You are under no obligation to provide him with a cell phone, car insurance or gas money ..that's ridiculous. Especially considering that he HAS separated HIS finances since I'm assuming the money for the laptop came out of his personal account.

      Inform him by email that you will no longer be picking up these bills and stop being a pushover. Let him know which bills you will be paying, what bills he will be paying, and anything else is up to him.

      I wouldn't worry about the laptop. Your kids will see through this stuff eventually but I would definitely stop the crying and get on with business. He'll be far more likely to sign that agreement when you cut him off.

      Comment


      • #4
        I know in my mind that you are right about cutting him off. I have tried - believe me, I have tried. My lawyer is no help - she keeps saying that the financial abuse will end with the seperation agreement. It's like the lawyers do not care what situation I am in right now. I have tried to not pay a bill and he has called me immoral, told me my actions are illegal if I follow through and threatened to make my life very difficult.

        He is stating that I carried us financially during marriage (not my choice but by necessity) and finances will not change until the seperation is signed.

        I am honestly scared shitless that if I take action and cut him off, he will not sign the agreement and will make life very difficult for me. I am scared shitless of him and what he might do. He still has full access to the house but has only been there 50% of the time. I am scared to live under the same roof as him and am scared if I play hardball, he wont leave the house on my custodial days with the kids.

        Logic states one thing....fear brings me to another level.

        Comment


        • #5
          Fear does not serve you well during divorce. Trust me on this, I've been through it. He is high conflict and controlling and will probably lengthen anything he can to keep himself in the position he's currently in and you struggling.

          I'm not suggesting that you cut off common expenses that are yours to share until the separation agreement and house decision is finalized. I'm talking about things like cell phones and gas. That your lawyer is telling you to continue paying those things is absolutely ridiculous. Why on earth do you care if he calls you "immoral?" LOL, who cares? Look what he's doing with his own money? Its not illegal for you to make him pay for his own personal bills at all. You are under no obligation to provide him with a cell phone..that's total nonsense.

          I'm confused as to why he WOULD sign the separation agreement? I see no motive for him to do so at all. In addition, if you're concerned about the agreement with the house going forward and he can change it anytime and just start staying there, than I think you need to reassess your decision. I think you might be better off considering a potential buy-out or sale. You cannot go through this entire process living in fear of him...its going to make it impossible for you to do what needs to be done.

          Obviously, ultimately these decisions are up to you. But in my opinion, you can whine about him hoarding money he's able to save because you're paying a disproportionate share of expenses...or you can take action.

          Comment


          • #6
            You can be scared, I think that is a normal process, but you need to take the advice and split the finances. He is trying to scare you, and from your reaction it is working. Who cares what he says to you? It may not be what you want to hear, but as long as you are supporting him, he is going to walk all over you. If he doesn't sign the agreement, you take him to court. You document everything and prove that he is being unreasonable. As far as not leaving the house, he may be doing this, but until an agreement is signed, he may not have to. So in the event this happens, why not plan some outside activities with the kids? If you are forced to be in the same house with him because he won't leave, just be mature about the situation and go on with your day.

            Let him threaten you all he wants...he is only trying to make himself feel better and put you down, by you reacting the way you are, is allowing him to win. Be strong, this isn't an easy battle, but you will make it through.

            Comment


            • #7
              What a difficult situation. Kids can easily "see through" which parent is trying to buy their affection. This is not a contest. I used to let some of that nonsense bother me but it doesn't anymore. You are still going through a big adjustment and I applaud you for guarding your good credit. Mine got destroyed, thanks to my ex. And je lives and spends like a King. It's shallow and pathetic, anyone can see that. There are SO many things that will not bother you in time, the way they do now. He's pressing your buttons. Keep all your receipts and track of your expenses - make a note of what he seems to be able to "manage" when he wants to, also. Try if you can to not let him get to you with these juvenile tactics. That's all that they are. Keep moving towards the goal. Eye on the ball: to get away from him. It won't be this bad forever. Definitely you want that separation agreement SIGNED so muster up all your inner strength and chin up. It sucks, I know: but it sounds like there's better days ahead. Kids are smart, as you know and they figure out quickly who really tows the line. Best of Luck

              Comment


              • #8
                Thank you....you guys are giving me strength. The seperation agreement on the table that I am waiting for him to sign is for me to buy him out of the house.

                I mustered up the courage and just sent him an email - put the numbers in black and white - showed how much more he owes me a month than he was giving me currently for the house, his expenses and the kids. Proportionately to our incomes, he should be paying 35% - in reality, he has given me on average 11% over the last 6 months.

                know that my reactions come from fear... He is in the house with the kids this week and I fear what I will come back to on Friday, I fear the emails I will get from him, I fear seeing him face to face....I fear for my safety and wellbeing....I fear that he will not sign the agreement and my current juggling with living arrangements will come to an end soon. I get that divorced couples must live in the same house sometimes while things are being settled....in my situation - I fear that will mean yelling, demeaning things being said, abusive situations. I had my cell phone in my pocket with 911 on speeddial the night I left him...have not spent more than 5 minutes alone with him since...the one time I did, my son was in the corner crying and I feared that I would be hit.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Well I don't know about that.

                  But one thing I can tell you from a guys point of view is that up until the first time someone punched me - the fear of it made it out to be a bigger deal then it actually was.

                  Yeah, I got punched and had a bloody nose. But meh... my nose healed and life went on.

                  Don't live in fear.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You should contact your local Family Services office. that is, if you haven't already. I did a 6 week group counselling session and there were women from all different socio-economic bacfrounds. One woman was in her 60's and had left after 40 years of verbal and physical abuse. Her husband was quite wealthy as well. Family Svcs can offer one on one counselling. Its free and confidential. As well, they will make sure you have a safety plan in place. If you fear him, do NOT be alone w/him. Not even for "5 minutes." FS is not bullshit like the Courts. They actually care and can advocate for you if/when this goes to court. Above all, if you are verbally or physically threatened - call the Cops. My ex was arrested when he pushed me and threatened to kill me. This was in front of our child who was 8, at the time. My ex was arrested and removed from the home. That was over 4 years ago. I would not hesitate to call the police again if he threatens me - and I don't give a "warning" - Please be safe, err on the side of caution and if Family Svcs are an option for you, they are also PROOF of the treatment you have (and may) endure. If at all possible, do not be alone with him. Make sure close friends, a close neighbor, etc knows your situation.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Wretchedotis, point taken; "don't live in fear" but domestic violence is not to be compared with a guy getting bopped on the nose and shaking it off. It usually doesn't go so well for the woman if a man decides to get physical. It can be devastating and even fatal as we all know. Verbal and financial abuse is also pretty rampant. Personally. If I could have taken a punch in the face (that healed) over allll the bs I've had to put up with, I think I'd go for one good punch. Some men are very menacing and violent, especially when they've lost control of their spouse.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Bottom line, if he verbally or physically tries to abuse you, you immediately call 911. Have a backup plan if you need one. A safe place in the house with a bolt, make sure there's a phone in there...have a family member or friend that knows where you are when you're there.

                        I know this won't help with the fear of mistreatment but if such a thing does happen...he'll be screwing himself. You can immediately file a motion for exclusive possession of the home and he'll definitely be more likely to get that agreement signed.

                        I know that divorce is an intimidating, difficult thing...I've been there many times in the last year and a half but try to stick in there. Don't let him manipulate you. Stand up to him for the sake of you and your children. My very best wishes.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Thank you again for your words everyone. You are giving me the strength to do what I need to do to get out on the other side.

                          Fear is bad in seperation and divorce - I know that. The fear paralyzes me and prevents me at times from doing what I need to do.

                          I have a very good friend who knows the scoop, who worries about me tremendously, in fact was the one who convinced me to leave and get away from the abuse and insanity. I hid my life from the world for years - pretended all was happy to the outside world and painted a picture of an ideal marriage. I was not fooling the world - the number of comments like "Thank God", "What took you so long" and "I knew something was not right" in response to the news that I had taken the leap shocked me.

                          I have never been hit but have been in constant fear of this.

                          I am realizing that his actions are driven by the fact that he knows I am living in fear and knows he can get away with it.

                          Time for me to stand up and fight, fight, fight - face his threats head-on no matter what. Call he bluffs.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            inseperationhell:

                            I think its fairly common in bad marriages to live a lie hoping that everyone else buys the illusion. They usually don't...and the kids usually see right through it too. One of the nicest things about divorce is that you can just stop living that way...its very liberating.

                            Regarding this:
                            Time for me to stand up and fight, fight, fight - face his threats head-on no matter what. Call he bluffs.
                            Let me clarify that in my responses, I meant stand up to him legally in family court. In my opinion, under no circumstances should you fight or argue with him face-to-face. In fact, all communication that isn't regarding the household or children should cease...and that communication should be by verifiable means. I use email. I generally make sure my communications are polite, concise, and I keep records of everything I send or receive. I have suffered through having to live in the same house with my stbx for a year and a half and I cannot remember the last time we had any type of verbal communication.

                            Any verbal abuse or threats to you or the children should be taken very very seriously. If it happens, I would warn him either from a safe distance or from behind a locked door to stop or you will call the police...and if he continues, call them. Keep a small tape recorder or a smartphone nearby in case he starts verbally bullying you.

                            Otherwise, ignore him...after a while, he'll stop bothering to try to get to you when he gets no response. Stand up to him legally and eventually he'll catch on that you're not going to live in fear or be bullied.

                            My very best wishes.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I've seen it a few times now; here goes... what DOES "STBX" stand for? I've never seen that before (this site).. Okay, so I'm just on here totally agreeing with pursuinghappiness' points to inseparation hell.. PH is absolutely right.. communicate by email only, do not call any 'bluffs' whatsoever - and your first priority is safety. Separation and divorce brings out the volatility in a lot of people. Be safe. Think before you react; unless ofcourse it's to call the police - in that case, ofcourse, any emergency - do not pause for one second. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship (even if it never actually got PHYSICAL) knows what you are going through. Verbal threats, humiliation, put downs are extremely damaging and meant to erode your very core. Try and think ahead; to a time when you will not have to deal with that any longer.. Freedom is not free.. but it is worth it..

                              Comment

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